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It occurs to me that I haven't even known him for 2 years. It will be 2 years in July. I wonder what will happen by then. So much weirdness has been happening. I hope he finds a job that makes him happy and that he gets better with the CBT stuff and the medicine and whatever else. I hope I stop acting like such a bitch. I don't mean to be. I was taught to be independent, and he is not independent. I mean, I'd love to have my mom with me all the time, but I'm an adult and it's not right.
I woke up with that Adele song stuck in my head. Set fire to the rain, or something like that. I mostly hate Adele because everything she sings is sad or angry. If she has happy songs, I don't know about them. Same with Ed Sheeran. I can't stand most of his stuff because it's so sappy and tearful. If I listen to music, I want to get pumped up or get happy. Maybe that's why I like 80s rock. Yes, those ballads are sappy, but they are energetic, too. If I'm heartbroken, I want to scream about it rather than cry.
What is the end? They say death is not the end. Life is full of ends and beginnings, and there is no true end. Heaven and hell have no ends. There are mansions in heaven, but they are there from the beginning. God knows where you will end up, but you still have free will. God stands outside of time because he created it. He watches you make mistakes, knowing all the while whether you will end up with him or somewhere else. He cries all-too-human tears, knowing exactly what you don't know and could never fathom or comprehend.
Walmart is cheapest, but they make you feel bad for shopping there because of bad business practices, cruelty to animals, child labor, etc., etc. (actually I don't know if any of that is true). We went to a NAMI meeting last night, and I found it enlightening. So many people suffer from mental illness. So many people know someone who suffers from it. I am glad that there are others who are going through the same thing so I can relate to them and hopefully help them. Law enforcement and emergency responders need to be trained better to deal with it.
I like the Daily Guideposts devotionals, but at the same time, I don't. They get to be too saccharine sweet and rely on cliches and "coincidence"--but I still don't believe in coincidence and don't know why I'm complaining. Today I'm going to volunteer. Hopefully blow some money at a book sale, find some things I never thought I would find anywhere else for dirt cheap. Run around the flea market. Wear a white T-shirt and hope it doesn't rain. It shouldn't rain. Wonder why my mother-in-law thinks I don't like her. I do like her, I swear.
I didn't do my 100 words for three days. They are putting husband on a new medicine. Well, it's been around for many years, so it's not a "new" medicine, but it's new to him. I feel like he is on too many meds, especially since he is so young, but that's just me. It's supposed to take 2 or 3 weeks to work, so he's going to have to be patient, which is not his strong suit and not really mine either anymore. I freaked out over having to wait at the gas station. I circled the pumps like a vulture.
Steven Tyler... dang, is he ugly. But his songs are inspirational. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover and all that jazz. Sometimes I don't know what to do. I get pissed off and upset and helpless. This is the human condition. I was telling the youth yesterday that there are certain things you do have control over, so you should do the best you can, and there are things you have no control over, which belong to God. The difficulty sometimes is discerning the two. I knew what I had control over, but I didn't want to change it.
I keep dreaming about the cruise ship. I was on a deck where they had all these alcoholic beverages, and I wanted to ask for one that didn't have alcohol, but everyone I asked was drunk and I couldn't get a straight answer. Then I dreamed I was back in my hometown and helping the fire department do something, although for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what it was. They were in a laughing fit, so maybe I was supposed to help them stop laughing so they could actually save lives or something like that. Pretty weird.
I am having weird pains again, and I don't know what it means. Tomorrow morning will tell me what I need to know. In the meantime, I will sit and wait. Something is going on. My system is doing something different. It's not been right since the middle of this month, before husband went away.
My 30th birthday is coming up real soon. I don't want anyone to know about it, and I hate surprises. All I want is to spend the day by myself writing, but that will never happen. I like being around people, but not that day.
For some reason, I keep forgetting about my 100 words. I guess it doesn't matter as much to me anymore for some reason. I am writing in my paper journal, so maybe that fulfilled my need to write for the time being. I'm hoping that everything goes well. Like I said, husband's new medicine seems to be working, but medicine is not the ultimate answer to problems because it can stop working at any time and leave you worse off than you were before you started taking it. I have a meeting with my manager today. That should be all right.
Tomorrow I get sworn in as an officer. I have wanted to do this for a long time, so I finally get to take another leadership position. I must have some strength, after all. I am trying to be a harder person, less of a pushover, and I'm better than I was back in the day. Even so, it's not easy. I hate feeling like I let people down, but I need to stand firm and stick to principles. I'm not hyper moralistic. I'm just telling it like it is. I don't like it when people bend the truth. It's inflexible.
This world is getting weirder and weirder. Everyone wants to use the other guy's bathroom. Then sexual assault happens. At my work, they have bathrooms that any gender can use. It's just one stall and has a little sign on the door notifying you whether the bathroom is open or in use. I guess it's good, but I don't know why the people would go in there. I don't think there are any transgender people at work, but maybe I'm not looking hard enough or whatever. Maybe they just use that bathroom because they want to crap in private.
I have been thinking of Mothers Day and what it means to be a mother. I am basically my mom's twin. Everyone says we look alike, but there are occasions where I look like my dad. Hardly anyone says I look like my dad. I wonder if the baby will look more like my husband or like me. Maybe she will just look like herself, and that's fine too. No matter what, she will be beautiful. And yes, I'm saying that because I'm her mother. I get the feeling it will be a girl, but I have no idea yet.
Been thinking about houses. I know what I want, but I don't necessarily know what's best. Zillow is so inaccurate. By the time they put the house up on there, someone has already bought it, or there are multiple offers. I mean... I don't know. An apartment will be 800 times more expensive with everything that's been going on. A house would be the best bet. I can't focus; didn't have coffee and feel like going to sleep. Work just came in, so I have to wake up pretty soon. I'm glad that I have work. That's so important these days.
I was thinking about the name Cecily, which I always used to like, but I never thought about the meaning, which is "blind." I guess it would make sense then for her to follow Lucy, but this is something I have never thought about. Never thought about seriously. Before you have kids, you think of all these names you'd give them, but then you get pregnant and none of the names make sense anymore. I used to like Maria, but I'm not sure. Martin is nice for a boy, but again, I'm not sure. I don't want the kid to hate his name.
I still haven't jumped on the Mac bandwagon. I find those computers so hard to use. I don't even have an iPhone. I guess I became used to Android. Not to mention that iPhones are so expensive, and I don't know why. I don't really see what's so special about them or what makes them different from Android phones. Maybe it's just the brand name. I could never understand, when I was in school, why it was important to like brand name clothes when Walmart clothes looked good and fit and were fine. I was glad I had clothes on my back.
Scrambling for work. Barely 5 weeks. I didn't feel like eating anything this morning. The eggs sat in my stomach. I don't know what that means. I mean, I want something but not what I ate. I think I want something sweet. Like mango juice. Something thick. But not a milkshake because those literally make me sick. Like McDonald's ice cream. There is something about it that makes my stomach turn, probably the sheer sweetness of it. Nothing created in this world should be so sweet. Stevia is also too sweet, but it's supposedly "natural," so I guess that's OK.
The people who live next door always park in the handicap space even though they don't have a placard. I don't understand why they do that. They're not that hard up, are they? Maybe they just had a lot of groceries to carry and didn't want to park far away. Good parking spaces are few and far between at the apartment complex, so when you come home with a carload of groceries, you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping that a close spot will be open. I'm glad I live on the first floor, so there are no stairs.
Another day, another school shooting. This one by some Greek kid. I almost typed "kid" as "id" and it would have meant the same thing. I wonder what kind of world I'm going to be bringing my son or daughter into. I remember thinking that a school shooting was going to happen at my high school. There were some threats but ultimately nothing. I remember someone had a hit list on his calculator, but he was disciplined, and nothing happened. I hung out with people who were quiet and introverted, so they were that "type," but deep down, we were good kids.
I sort of liked Meghan Markle's wedding dress (the first one). I thought it was modest because it had sleeves and didn't have a plunging neckline. I don't like all these sleeveless dresses nowadays where the bride's cleavage looks like it's spewing out the top of the dress. I don't like giant slits up the side of the dress either. I did feel like Meghan's dress was a little too plain, but maybe that says something about her personality. Not in a bad way. I mean that maybe she's not super ostentatious. I know so little about her. It was a nice wedding.
Welp, I told husband. Now the tough part is to get him to keep a secret and not shout it from the rooftops. I need to vacuum and get stuff done around the house. I have energy now. I think what needs to happen next is we need to get the hell out of the apartment and into a house. I know exactly what I want, but I need to find out if it is going to be affordable on just one income for the time being. This is going to be hard. But we can do it with God's help.
So far he hasn't said anything. This must be some kind of record. But he is on even keel, so I figured now would be the best time to tell him before the keel starts getting uneven. It's funny how you don't necessarily hear the word "keel" without "even" in front of it. I'm almost done with the book I'm reading. It's sitting there tempting me with only a few pages left. I hate when that happens. I just want to sit and have uninterrupted reading time. I couldn't write yesterday because I could hardly concentrate. Oh well. Try again today.
They always tell you not to care about what other people think. I realize I have to try harder to not care. I hate walking into work and being practically afraid to breathe because I might do so in an unprofessional manner. I don't like having to talk stilted or use words that I wouldn't normally use. After five years, I still can't get comfortable but that says more about me than it does about my workplace, which is actually very friendly. It's just me that's cold and standoffish because I can be a bitch at times. Nothing else to say.
Still afraid of another miscarriage, but I have no choice but to leave it to God. There is nothing I can do at this point except drink water, take the vitamins, and eat healthy. The rest is up to God, but I can't help thinking that there is something else I can do. Oh, and try not to stress out. I hate thinking that I could be one of those women who miscarries over and over again. But God knows best. He giveth, and he taketh away. St. Gerard, pray for us. We need your intercession, our little family of three.
I read some statistics that made me feel better about the whole miscarriage thing. After the heartbeat is seen at six weeks or so, the chance of a miscarriage goes down to 5% (which I honestly find very hard to believe because it seems like everyone has miscarriages post-six weeks), and the chance of having two miscarriages in a row is only 2%. I haven't been to the appointment yet, but I'm hoping that it goes well. I hope we can see the heartbeat or at least get confirmation that "little bit" is alive and well. Can't wait to see him/her!
I started a new notebook recently. It's huge. It will probably take me a year or more to finish it, which is a good thing because I am getting to the point where I am not sure where I ought to put all my notebooks. With the baby coming, there will be less room in an already small apartment. I'm still not even sure if I want to ditch the apartment and try to get a house. I don't want the rush of things to stress me out, so we could stay in the apartment, but it would be a squeeze financially.
My husband is so delightfully strange. He got the hiccups for the first time since I've known him this morning, but they went away quickly. I had some kind of bizarre dream about stealing my father-in-law's truck, then promptly crashing it. Driving is much harder in dreams than it is in real life because you never have control of the car. I'm always trying to push the brake but failing to press it hard enough because my foot won't reach it and I'm sitting too far away from the steering wheel, so I can neither decelerate nor accelerate.
Happy Memorial Day! I was actually tempted to log into work today and get rid of email, but who's going to be emailing on a holiday weekend? Oh, wait. Me. I sent off a couple emails on Saturday morning. But I've stayed away from the computer since then. I'm trying not to get overly stressed this week, as I'm going to be tired enough as it is. Helped out with a church event yesterday, and that made me feel better, as it always does. I do all these good things, but I keep friendships superficial. If I deepen them, I drown.
I'm tired. I want to go home. Nobody is in the office. I'm worried about my coworker. He's not here, his OOO message isn't on, and he didn't say he was going to be out. I hope nothing happened. Six years ago today was my first day at this job. I remember being terrified and getting a terrible headache because I stayed until 5 p.m. and I had been there since like 7 or something. I got there early to beat the traffic. Man... those were some crazy days just getting used to everything. To this day, I don't know how I did it.
Only two more days left in the month! Today and tomorrow. I need to take the car in for an oil change. Probably going to try and do it next week, as early in the morning as possible, just so I can get it over with. I have an even more important appointment that day--I get to see baby on the ultrasound. I still have the terrible thought that they will tell us there is no baby, or she is in the wrong place, or there is no heartbeat. I'm praying I won't hear anything like that terrible news.
Last day of May. Yesterday something happened, so we are going today to get the ultrasound. Hopefully nothing is wrong. It is probably just normal, but we are going to check just in case. You can never be too careful. My temperature this morning was normal, so all should be well. Again, you never know. God could have other plans. I am 7 weeks and 1 day. I never thought that would happen to me. Right now I'm struggling to choke down food. Everything tastes nasty and leaves a gross aftertaste in my mouth. I hope that goes away soon.
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