REPORT A PROBLEM
First thing of the new year I did was write a check for the car payment. What an exciting start. I guess it's good that it's not last year because if someone told me all the stuff I'd be going through in 2017, I'm not sure I'd really want to go through the year. Nobody knows about all this when it first starts, though. So we will do the best we can in 2018 and let God take care of the rest, which is how it's supposed to be. We have so many people who care about us... and we are going to be godparents!
How long does it take to create a website? Not too long. I was thinking that writing is an excellent way to tap into the subconscious. My writing warned me of the future. My poetry was my mind.
I thought about how her cold feet were trusting the even colder concrete, about how all of the mothers' hearts reached out to her at once, the daughter. She is the only young woman left in the world, and her womb is needed to bring forth new life. But the man they place her with is a scoundrel. It'd be like Harvest Home.
I have Green Day's "Basket Case" stuck in my head. Husband was supportive today. It's not every day that happens. We are doing well on NFP, but I'm not sure. I'm having a super long and super weird cycle. I have never had one longer than 35 days. This is probably going to be a record. So strange. I have no idea what to think. Maybe it's just that the thermometer was cold, so it made it look like my temperatures were lower than normal. This thing is still such a learning curve, and I don't understand it like I ought to.
1/6: Gotta get gas for my husband because he is scatterbrained. I'm also thinking I ought to bring him something to eat. Probably a pizza pocket. I don't know. Whatever it is, now I feel like I'm in a mad rush. Hope he doesn't call his mother and ask her to do it because then I'll feel bad. Oh well. I'm doing it anyway. Better do something good for myself. At least he doesn't work that far away. I was thinking that I would do anything for him... well, here goes nothing. Maybe I can get back in time.
1/6: Still playing catch-up. I hate that. I feel like I can never get anywhere and the entire day is filled with chores. I'd like to sit and do nothing but read. Get the drain unclogged. Something like that. But I'd have to pull out the white thing that unclogs drains. I don't think we have that. So the maintenance guy will have to do it. I should have bought the drain unclogging device that I saw in the Korean thrift store. That has to be the most interesting place in the known universe. He has got to be better with money.
Now I know the whole story. You have to live it before you know it, I suppose. Just want to watch a quick YouTube video, then leave. I don't want to leave, but I guess I have to. I feel as though my whole life is in service to him, but I guess it is because I have made it that way. So I shouldn't be complaining. I wish the fan would turn off. I'm just ranting. I don't have time to type anything poetic because that would require thought. So would scrolling through endless political rants by crazy people.
I'm so boring. All I want to do is sit at home and do chores and put away the Christmas tree. Husband can go socialize. I really don't feel like doing so. I'll turn into a flaming bitch on wheels. It's hard for me to find an organizational system that works because what works for me doesn't work for him, and what works for him is usually too complicated for me (and honestly, even for him). So I'm at a loss of what to do. Make it fun, make it interactive. I guess so. But I'm no good at that.
Money, money, money is the root of all evil. But what can you do? I'm doing the best I can with a substantive edit. This is something that I've been wanting to do for a long time, and it's one of my work goals. They make you create goals in work. Like you don't have enough goals in real life. My goal is to cook dinner. That should be complicated enough for tonight. I guess the key is to prep everything, then cook it. Two for the oven, one for the pot. A diced potato, shake and bake. All is well.
1/11: The church knows what's up about sex. Trying to get my husband to study. Sirens keep going off in the distance. I think the next story I write is going to be in very short sentences and paragraphs and I won't try to describe everything or get lost in thought processes.
Women are not objects. Their children should not be killed. Only men and women should marry. The church is right. If I'm a bigot, so be it. Contraception is awful. Just use NFP and know what your body is doing. It's a powerful thing to understand.
1/11: I keep thinking about food. Food and sex and base things. Work. Trust. Love. Simple stuff that money can't buy. Money can't buy work, but work makes money. The only thing money can buy is food, and that's not so bad out of all the other crap you could be buying. Budgeting is only hard when you're used to spending every penny you make. I guess saving is hard too. I think there should be a limit on what I save because I'm not enjoying myself. Yes, you should enjoy your money. Don't be like Mr. Scrooge or the Grinch.
I want to write a blog post about JonBenet. I keep thinking about her. Every now and then she goes through my mind like a blond ghost. I got some good ideas, and they're in my folder of work stuff. I have to get them out or else they'll get recycled with all the other work stuff when it reaches its expiration date.
Proof that people in my old county can't speak English worth a darn. "Do what your suppose to." What the hell does that mean? And here I go being condescending yet again. Wish I could stop.
1/13: Ooh, look what you made me do. I'm about ready to check out. I don't get angry, at least not in a spitting fire, white lightning kind of way. I used to, back when I was younger, but getting older has calmed me down. Most of the time, it is a waste to be angry. There are so many other worthwhile things to spend time on. Getting up early and writing. Organizing the house. Going to talk to friends while volunteering. Honestly, it could be such an easy life without all the complications you put yourself through.
Time to do my weekly backup. I have a to-do list for the weekend, but I don't bother checking it off because I know it by heart. I just put it there in writing in case I have a mental fart and forget something. Which happens more often than I'd like to admit. I try to be organized and consistent, but I get yelled at for it because he can't be organized and consistent because of executive functioning issues. I don't take being a so-called neurotypical for granted anymore. Half the time, I feel like people make these words up.
Still have the jealousy. It goes so far back, and I think I figured out the root of it all this morning. But I don't know how to undo the damage I cause by it. Say sorry and not do it again? It's just an impulsive reaction to something that is so deep within me that it's like a primal instinct. That's making excuses, so I should just shut up and do better next time. Like in a video game, sometimes life does give you do-overs. Every time you go to confession and tell what you did, you can make reparations.
1/16: 35 days into the cycle. Still no period. I have had a 35-day cycle before, but it only happened once or twice that I've been aware of since I started tracking them. They are normally 26-30 days. I think at day 40, if I still don't get my period, I'm going to take a pregnancy test. If it's negative, then obviously I did not ovulate this time because I feel like it was possible to conceive based on the days we did do it. I wish the doctor had told me that while I was in the ER.
My dad wants to be a grandfather. My husband's mom wants to be a grandmother. Honestly, I don't know what I want. I don't think we are in a good place to be able to afford a child, and I don't think we're mentally ready for one. Maybe in October of this year we can start trying depending on whether he gets a better job and is in a better mental state. I just wish I had more money. Don't think I can get through the month with the savings that I have. I have a goal and I won't meet it.
It's a snow day. I've been working from home. Husband's class was cancelled, so he slept and relaxed and reorganized our trillions of books. Still waiting on my period. This is agonizing. I turned my phone's volume up too high, so every time I get a text message, it rings in my head and vibrates the entire table. I still have to shave my legs and am going to do that the second I get off work at 4. Technically I'm done with work, but I'm waiting till 4 in case anyone has a screaming emergency that can't wait another second.
1/20: Yesterday we went to the March for Life in Washington DC. It was a lot of fun but emotionally and physically exhausting because we had to get up so early to get there. Would I go again? Absolutely. Finally got my period on that day, so I was miserable for parts of it but it had nothing to do with the march. I figured if it was another chemical pregnancy because my luteal phase was so long, then I did the right thing to honor the child. I don't know. I think it was just an anovulatory cycle.
1/20: One of the organizations represented at the March had a giant billboard of ripped apart baby parts with an audio recording of a baby crying that they were playing over the loudspeakers. I felt like that was in poor taste. Yes, that's really what happens, but it ends up inflaming more than it ends up helping.
I'm glad that our church family went with us. It was so nice to see everyone, but there were a few people I wished had gone with us.
Husband is finally up at about 10:00 and I have to make him breakfast.
We visited the National Shrine/Basilica, which was amazing. I saw Mass being said and burst into tears on my knees at the very back of the church. It was harsh. All that white up there, all those priests in their robes. The beauty of the ceilings in that basilica...
My husband and I found out that our friends might be separating due to baby mama issues from a previous relationship. I'm hoping that it doesn't happen. I love these people and their children and I'd hate for it all to fall apart. That makes me so sad. I hate sex outside of wedlock.
Today is St. Agnes' Day, the feast of my patron saint. I'm not ready to go yet. I still have to drink coffee and brush my teeth and put on hand cream. My feet are ashen from the winter and so are my legs. I didn't want to shave but I did because it will feel like spring today. I'm so not ready to leave, but it would be nice to get there early for once. Husband is in a rush when there is no real reason to be. There is no gas in his car. I guess that's OK.
1/25: I've fallen behind again, wouldn't you know it? I have a lot of jobs for work, but they're all small and none have arrived yet. I'm hoping they won't take all day, but who knows. The good thing about working from home is that you can take a break whenever you want and nobody knows about it. That's how I got the laundry done. I have been thinking once again about children. We want children, but now is not the time. I miss the daughter I would have had. She'd be about two months old in the womb today.
1/25: Got a Fallout Boy song stuck in my head. I used to listen to that band sometimes, but they were never really one of my favorites. I don't think I have a favorite band anymore because I don't often listen to music just for the sake of listening to music. The only time I listen is when I'm driving or as background noise when I'm doing something else. I feel sorry for all these artists who are trying to make it big in the music industry or any creative industry, really. It's almost impossible. Time to study and do work.
1/25: I remember when I met his best friend. We were sitting in class, and I had written the names of bands I liked all over my notebook. He asked me if I liked Fallout Boy. I said I had never heard of them, and at the time, I hadn't. I suspected he had a crush on me, but I didn't care about that because I already had a boyfriend. He ended up smoking a lot of pot and getting arrested for selling pot. It was weird. He was so polite to my parents. It's how things go, I guess.
And when it all goes to hell,
will you be able to tell?
A lyric from Fallout Boy that hasn't left my head yet. I don't think I've even listened to that song in the past several days. I'm just typing now. What is really therapeutic is doing some "art journaling" or coloring. Those adult coloring books really are helpful. I'd rather have a kiddy coloring book than those adult ones. I have a hard time coloring in the lines, metaphorically and literally. Time to wake husband up. He's got to start studying for his test. It's a lot to learn.
I found something that I had written and posted on the Internet over 7 years ago. It's nothing private, but it was still weird that Google kept track of that. Sometimes I have to keep myself from googling things so that Google doesn't know the contents of my mind. But why would they care? I don't search for nefarious things, but it's more about keeping my thoughts in my own head, even if they are as mundane as what kind of groceries I'm going to buy. Ugh, I'm bored. Nothing to do at work. Wish they had told me that grant wasn't coming...
Husband has a new business venture (or at least that's what he's calling it). I don't see how this can take off, but who knows? Maybe he'll pull some rabbits out of his hat, as he is known to do. Sometimes I just need a break from him, and he probably needs a break from me nagging him all the time. I wish I didn't have to, but he just doesn't do the stuff he needs to do, and it's greatly irritating. He literally doesn't seem to notice or care. Then I'm a nag. I guess that's just how it is.
Waiting for the laundry machine to start singing its song. Its forlorn, mournful song. My husband needs to get up and go to school, but he is still lying there asleep after I pulled the covers off him. I'm about to take the pillow too. I don't see how anyone could sleep through that. My pH balance is out of whack. I'm supposed to go see my parents today. Have spaghetti and meatballs just like old times. There is a pile of crap in the house that needs to be taken to Goodwill. They are raising their prices next month.
What is normal? Is normal the kind of person who worries about the way the towels are folded, as though they live in a linen store? I can't imagine that. Or maybe normal is someone who immediately cleans up after themselves.
I don't know if I want normal. Because normal would make me feel less than normal. I still don't truly know if normal even exists. It's so crazy. I don't know what to think about it all. I just want to get through the days whether they are "normal" or not.
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
I'm proud of myself. I have done good on the budget. I guess money has taught me to be more assertive. It is getting easier, but the next step is to practice it in the real world and not just at home. At home I run the show, but elsewhere others still like to walk on me. I will teach them. I will rule the world. I will be like Hillary Clinton... OK, my brief moment of megalomania is over. Back to the normally scheduled programming, which is mostly complaining about life and struggling to get through everyday, usual stuff.
Agh. I don't know what to do. But I'm tempted to think that there is nothing else for me to do. This is on him and has very little to do with me, but he will blame me because he can't take responsibility. I'm not at my wit's end, but I don't know what to do. I keep trying to do the right thing, but it never turns out to be the thing that works. That's because he has to do it himself. I can only help, and I have helped in the best way I know how. That's all.
The Tip Jar