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I don't want to be a celebrity. I don't envy that life. I wouldn't want it, and I don't see why anyone else would want. I'd rather go under a pen name and never show my face in public. If I was a famous author, I'd never put my picture on the dust jacket. There'd be a very vague blurb, like "She lives in North Carolina with her family." You'd never know anything. I could be anyone in North Carolina. If you were that obsessed with me, you could track me down, but that would be rather creepy and stalkerish.
Starting a new leaf. Actually I'm going back to an old leaf that I had abandoned in favor of another crappy new leaf. I think I carried that analogy a bit too far.
I'm saying the rosary in the morning again. It makes me more calm and gets me ready for the day ahead. I don't feel like I'm in a rush when I say it and I hate feeling like I'm in a rush. I have never had a bad day when I've said the rosary beforehand.
Giving up caffeine helped too. Ironically I have more energy without it.
Just finished the registry. Used Target and Amazon. Older people are having a problem with Amazon, which is why we picked Target. Also I got kicked off Amazon a couple years ago because I tried to change my password too many times. I guess they thought I had a duplicate account and was trying to commit fraud. Oh well. I guess I'm one less consumer lining the pockets of Jeff Bezos. George Soros is another character indeed, and I wonder if he really is behind much of the destruction of the world and the New World Order. I found a good book yesterday.
The marriage might be filled with Great Food Arguments. He is used to eating at restaurants all the time, and I'm used to eating at home all the time. Eating out is ludicrously expensive unless you go to McDonald's and eat off the dollar menu every day, but that gets unhealthy and boring and even that adds up. You'd think it's a small amount, but once you look back at your bank account balance and see all the dollars taken out, your eyes bug out of your head and you make a vow to stop eating at any fast food restaurant.
8/7: Next step: mattress. I like my mattress I got from the Original Mattress Factory. It tells me when it needs to be flipped, and it was relatively inexpensive. They say that a full-size bed can't sleep two people. Well, I guess not. But then again, there is always the couch or the futon. I mean... two people don't have to sleep in the same bed, although that would be nice. I'm moving in on Saturday and it will be weird to sleep in a bed that's bigger than a twin. I have slept in twins all my life.
8/7: I'm overjoyed to be entering marriage. Who the hell is excited unless their husband is comfy-cozy and makes more than $100,000 a year? The guy never argues. He goes to his job and comes home, and before you know it, resentment builds up because the clingy wife wants him with her all the time. Can't happen because he has to support your shop-a-holic lifestyle. Stop buying shit, your husband will stop working so much, and you can actually spend some time getting to know each other. Marriage is work. And it's hard. That's life.
The visit to the cathedral told me that I need to stop judging. I need another kick off my high horse. I used to be queen of the world and now I am nothing. That was when I ruled the world, and now I realized that Someone Else who is not me rules the world, which I should have learned long ago. I need to stop worrying about what other people are doing, especially when it doesn't affect me and start worrying about what I'm doing. Many of the worries have been allayed, but there are still others all the time.
I keep failing. I hate failure. I love "sex" with him because we talk and laugh and cuddle and it doesn't feel like I'm being manipulated into something. But in a way, for a guy, sex is always a manipulation. They want to get to the end result, and in a way, so do women. I guess the cuddling after sex is their end result, or a least it is from every book I've ever read and every movie I've ever seen. But the man falls asleep most of the time. Hey, at least I know a way to get him to bed.
It's 8:00 and I've already expended my break. Got a lot of stuff to set up with the wedding and whatnot. All my worries have to do with timing. I wish I could be in four hundred places at once and have four hundred brains. Then I could engineer the entire thing. This is getting ridiculous and I didn't even want a party. All I know is that I'm going to turn into a big fat bridezilla. So much stress and not enough time. I'm going to have to ask people for a huge favor... and I hate asking for favors.
Mattress and box spring have been obtained. The woman asked no questions and she did not try to upsell us. That's the kind of shopping experience I like. I know what I want, leave me alone. If I need help, I'll ask. I don't really want to be led around the store making small talk while you take me to things that are too far above my pay grade. (And here I go again, bitching, bitching, bitching.) I'm happy with the mattress. Good quality for a low price and we won't be banging around on it too much. Haha!
Ten years ago today, I adopted my cat. It's hard to believe it's been 10 years. The little guy is doing well, living outside and living the life of Riley. (Who the hell is Riley and why should I envy his life?) That brings to mind another topic... why is there this trend of naming little girls boy names? Like Riley and Ryan and Dylan and crap like that. I mean, to some degree I understand that it's tomboyish and cute, but you wouldn't want to the kid to be teased for life. I mean, that's really all it is.
8/13: Moved into the apartment. It is very strange to live by myself but at the same time it isn't because it hearkens me back to days when I lived in college without a roommate. I liked those days. Got the entire room to myself, and now I have six hundred square feet to myself. We're still sorting through our stuff and unpacking. I wonder what more lazy people do. Probably order pizza and forget about all the groceries they need to buy. I'm not one of those whole foods type people, although when I have kids I might turn into one.
I want to help you make your dreams come true. I want you to dream a beautiful dream. I want to be in your dream. I think that might just be what love is. To be responsible for you and love you without any kind of doubt or inhibition. Everything will be gone, the veil will be lifted, all barriers will be removed when we are together as one. You are my star and I adore you with all of my heart. We will make this work. We've got this. I've got you and you've got me and we will do this.
Chillin' like a villain and waiting for fiance to get home so we can eat some pizza and watch Netflix or whatever happens to be on TV. I just got the administrative crap sorted out, so that was nice. There will be more coming tomorrow. I realized that when he is at his parents' house, he would watch TV. Now it's like he doesn't care about TV. I'm just waiting until he gets bored and wants to go back to "normal," which for him is... I don't know what. I don't think he knows all the time either. It's fun.
8/16: The washing machine sounds like a spaceship and it sings to you when it's done with the laundry. He is a typical man and does not know how to load washing machine, empty a dryer, or fold laundry. I guess that's what the whole point of this is; to learn something. We are back in school, but it's real-life school this time, and the only bell that rings is the bell that rings in heaven once you die. I know that sounds terribly morbid, but the only true graduation from the school of life is death.
We have too many books and too many office supplies. That is all there is to say. And the maintenance guy has to come over and fix the toilet. I wonder if I could figure it out myself. If I ever get a house, I will have to because I don't want to call the plumber. Then he'll charge $500 that I don't have. I am sick of phone calls. I never want to have another one today unless it's the maintenance guy. I have too much to do and too little time. I have a grease craving. Must be PMS.
8/18: I can't figure out the shower. Are ranch and mayonnaise the same thing? They are both creamy, white, disgusting substances. Oh, wait, that sounded really wrong. But the moral of the story is that I don't know how to use either of them. Ranch is for salads and mayo is for sandwiches. And the shower... I never did figure it out so I took a bath instead. Things get weirder and weirder. The moral of the story is that I'm exhausted and I have nothing better to say or do than to type randomness into a tiny box.
The other thing they tell you in school is to never say "I can't." You're supposed to know what to do at all times. You're supposed to tell yourself I think I can I think I can like Thomas the Tank engine. They asked me too many questions, so I guess I'm going home now. I can't answer all these questions. Stop making me feel a fool. I can't do anything right these days anyway. But the moral of the story is, I have to figure it all out for myself. Let's try the fish tacos. I can do it.
Well, I tried cooking and I don't really do the best job on it. The people who live next door are pretty quiet. I only ever hear their dog barking, and he barks when I leave the apartment in the morning. I tried not to leave too loudly or have my alarm going off, but I had to take my temperature, so I had to lay motionless in the bed with the alarm shrieking for a few minutes. I don't like having the alarm on my phone, but it's so convenient. Won't need an alarm clock until I'm married.
8/21: Well, today's the day everyone has been waiting for: the solar eclipse. I wonder if this is some kind of sign from God, but if you interpret things a certain way, everything is a sign from God. All my writing is a sign from God of something. I don't share it with anyone because it's no good, but there is nothing that can be done to make anyone see that. Oh, it must be good because there's so much of it. You ought to publish it. But I have no ideas. I have no time, I have no energy.
The path of totality. Those words keep echoing through my head. Maybe this is the end of the world, or the start of something magical. I have tried to do the right thing. I am holding back from what I know is wrong even though I desperately want to give in. It doesn't make any sense to hold back now, especially when everything is so tight and close, but at the same time, it makes all the sense in the world. I wonder when I will ever write a poem again. Maybe I should write one about the solar eclipse.
Listening to the XIII soundtrack to try and get some inspiration, and I have so many sad songs on there. I didn't even realize it. It's a sad story, but it ends happily. However, there is a lot of emo-ness in it. I just hope it's not a sentimentalistic as all that. I could rewrite it, which I started to do. I just really miss the story. I miss writing it and getting absorbed in it and going to different places through it. It was the only way I could travel to Russia, the Greek underworld, Olympus... and fictional towns.
Last night's meal wasn't that much of a disaster.
My life feels so disorganized now.
Can't wait till this wedding stuff is over.
Have to look forward to the best day of my life and a honeymoon cruise. We always have fun together. This is going to be awesome.
My best friend is coming to the wedding. I didn't think he would.
I have to buy health insurance for my fiance. Why he can't do it himself, I'm not sure.
We're going to talk to the therapist tomorrow. She may have insights.
ONLY ONE MONTH.
I like when people do what they're supposed to do without being told. I guess that makes a person responsible. I don't really understand the point of "responsibility" or what that fully entails. Who is the number one responsible person? You. Then God after that, but a big part of life is learning to take responsibility and figuring out what you are actually responsible for and what another person is supposed to do. Too many people try to blame everything on another person so they can retreat to their own safe haven of righteousness. More people need to think more.
My bridal shower is tomorrow! I'm so excited because I get to see everyone (well, almost everyone) in the same place! The only issue is that it's going to be all women, and my fiance is not invited. But there will be food and hopefully a lot of chatter. I mean, with women what can you expect, right? I just hope everyone can come who wants to come. I really like them all. It's not just about the presents or the games or the food. It is about the people. They are the best females I have in my life.
8:27: Yesterday was my bridal shower, which was super nice. I couldn't believe how generous people were. It was better than a birthday. Everyone gave me marriage advice, which I will take to heart. I'm going to need all the help I can get. What happens when one of you needs space and the other won't give it? What happens when I want to crawl into a cave for six years and de-stress? I think all this is related to the upcoming wedding but right after the wedding it will be OK SO WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY??
Speaking of babies, I said that I wanted to wait at least a year after we got married before I can have one.
Fiance agreed with me. We are not using birth control (gasp), so all this NFP stuff may be a shot in the dark. I'm going to try to abide by it and so will he, even though it might make us hate each other at certain times of the month. Well, I guess it might make us dislike each other. I couldn't hate him.
Since Saturday, I have been tired as hell and utterly unable to concentrate on anything. I don't know what it is. I think it's because of time of the month and I hope that's what it is. I can't see myself dragging through life this tired all the time. I wish I could spend an entire day just sleeping, but perhaps that's just adulthood. I never liked staying up all night or up late even when I was a teenager. Can't tell whether that makes me lame or not. I don't care. Maybe I ought to go back on caffeine.
We have everything but the marriage. I don't see how people can sleep together, live together, cook together without the assurance of a lifetime bond. I would feel better if we were truly bonded. Then this whole thing wouldn't feel so bad. I only have 25 days of pain and then we will be together like we are supposed to be. I am struggling to get used to this. It's a huge transition, and all I can say is that I hope I don't fail in it. I want to do the best I can with what I have and that's what I'm trying to do.
The worst that could happen if I fail at NFP is get pregnant. That is literally the worst outcome. Can I afford a kid right now? Maybe. If poorer people than me can do it, than I probably can. My greatest fear is going into debt. Spending more than I have. Owing people money. Kids equal money, from what everyone says. But there are others who say that kids are cheap.Cheaper by the dozen, I guess.
I am afraid he will stop loving me because I go to bed too early. I wake up early because of work.
The countdown to the wedding is looming in my head. I wonder what I will be like as a married woman. Hopefully not pissed off all the time. I just get tired so easily. I get up early for work, and I can't go past 10. It's hard for me to do that unless I get some kind of adrenaline rush from something, and that messes me up even more. I'm trying to go without caffeine this entire time. Take my vitamins, get rest, take care of myself, and all the rest of that jazz. The bills come in today.
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