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Earth angel, earth angel, will you be mine? All those oldies songs get stuck in my head so bad.
There is no practicality. Yes, you can be practical and still have fun. You can absolutely have fun without being practical and that's where a lot of people tend to go wrong. They lose their head in the clouds. They think they will never have to provide for themselves or a family or anything like that. They think they can bum money off others and be perfectly content with it. I do not see how people can live like that.
You're supposed to be my number one priority, and I'm supposed to be yours. Nothing ever works out the way it does in the top 10 articles about "Top 10 Ways to Show Your Husband Love," "Top 10 Ways Men and Women Are Different," "Top 10 Ways You Can Be a Proverbs 31 Wife"... but none of them apply to my situation. Is the situation my fault because I don't pray hard enough? Because I rely on my own strength and not on God's? Because of my own arrogance and pride? Or does God not care about me at all?
People now celebrate those whom they perceive to be the underdogs, so much so that the underdogs are becoming the "overdogs" even when they probably shouldn't be. Maybe I am confusing the world's admiration with God's admiration. I feel like I have to be a loudmouth to get anywhere in life. I feel like I have to literally stand on tables and scream to get anyone to notice me or pay attention to what I say. I'm not that badly behaved, I promise. I just wish people would listen and I wouldn't have to repeat myself all the time.
What to do when your team loses? I wanted Gonzaga to win so bad last night, and I don't normally care about sports at all.
Fiance and I really do need each other. He can make those annoying phone calls and I can work on logistics and other "planning" things. He is the creative one, and I am the analytical one. We balance each other, so I guess that's why God put us together. I must choose to love him every day. It's the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but this is what I have chosen.
I don't like reading these articles about love. I don't think they have the right idea a lot of the time. Love doesn't involve anything super elaborate. It's really all about the day-to-day things. I don't need a lot of super-exciting stuff to love you... I just need the basics. Prove you can be there and help me when I need it. I'm not spoiled. I don't need manicures and pedicures and I won't go out and spend all your money on shit like shoes and jewelry. That stuff is meaningless in this materialistic crazy world we live in.
What's the common denominator? Me. But that might not always be the problem. Is the right answer to give up? Is this unhealthy for me? Do I still have issues to work out? Let's ask all these questions in the right time and put things in the proper perspective. It's so easy to be patient and wait, but at the same time it's not, not when you're expecting something. I do the best I can, but sometimes you can do everything right and still fail, as a wise teacher I had once taught me. I feel like I did a lot right, and I failed.
It's going to require a lot of work, and I can't run at the first sign of difficulty. Going to talk to the therapist and see what he says. Writing out my feelings helps. Carving out "me" time helps. I need to schedule it in and do what I said I was going to do. Yet there needs to be a fine line between being too flexible and being too rigid. God made beautiful colors in the sky yesterday. He loves me more than words, and I can only love him back. We will do the best that we possibly can.
I hate credit cards. I'm going to close every credit card account I have. I have cut up one credit card, and I accidentally signed up for another one. When that one comes in the mail, I'm getting rid of that too. I signed up to get a discount on some clothes, which was stupid. I don't know why I suddenly do stupid things. I try to do something nice for myself, and then I mess up. I get too nervous and too worried about what I should be doing. I don't pay attention to what needs to be done.
Finally blogging after almost two months away. It feels so good to just let loose and write. I have had so much stuff boiling around in my head. I need to figure out when to schedule time so I can sit and write and not be distracted. All I need is a few hours and I will be a much happier version of myself. It doesn't take much. You can get intoxicated by alone time, though, which can lead to a severe state of inertia, where you just sit around and do nothing because you can't bring yourself to talk to a soul.
4/11: Today is the day of information. Gimme the 411. Let me know everything, because I am human, and in my arrogance, I must know all things. There are some things we are not meant to know, but in our arrogance and our certainty that we are right, we continue to guess at them, even though the truth behind them, the reasoning, even though it may seem strange to us, belongs to God. He alone knows the entire story and all its ramifications and exactly where we fit. It is not meant for us. We give and not count cost.
Humans always have their hands out like little children: gimme, gimme. If you become like a little child, you will enter the kingdom of Heaven. I have thought about this, and about how we treat not only children, but those who are "little" and smaller than us. People with mental disorders and autism and Down syndrome. People who, for whatever reason, we perceive as inferior. It is about finding the spark within those people, because it certainly does exist, and seeing them as a creature of value in the eyes of God. No one is without value. No one is unloved by Him.
Holy hell, they're actually going to work on the 100Words site. For real? Who knows. It'll be exciting to see the changes. Still wish I could go back and delete that one entry, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. I've stuck with this site for so long that it'll be cool to see what the new features are and what it will look like. Almost like seeing a friend lose weight after many hears of her trying to do so unsuccessfully. I wish I could speak as clearly as I write online. Then I'd be a great success.
The backbreaking sacrifice of marriage is just beginning. I need to learn to say "we" instead of "I." Or at least, I need to learn to say "you" or ask "you" as in, "What do you want to do?" instead of always being concerned with what I want to do. I can't be a giver-upper in this, and I can't run away. This is permanent, and it is for life, and I need to change myself to fit into the mold of "married woman"--break out of all my selfish ways as if I am emerging from a cocoon.
They always say that you don't fully get to know someone till you live with them. You don't know what it's like to be married to them. You don't know. It's basically a huge gamble that you're taking on. You could lose, you could win. That's why the prospect of marriage is so scary to some people. I'm trying my best to walk through a day in the life of us as a married couple, and I can envision it pretty clearly, the warts and all. But I don't know if that's actually what it's going to look like.
4/17: I actually cried in my therapy appointment today. Just like a cliche, sitting on the couch (and it is a very comfortable couch, I might add) crying my eyes out like a little baby. Well, it wasn't that dramatic. He said something like "I don't mean to sound Freudian, but do you think this might have something to do with your mother?" and I realized that it was true. It has been that way my whole life. We were starting to rant about Facebook, but the hour was over very quickly and I had just gotten started.
4/17: 100 words are a little bit like therapy. You have more to say that can be said in the space of 100 words or in an hour with the therapist. So trying to cram it all into the limited space just doesn't work. Or it can, but it won't be comprehensive.
Meanwhile, I'm hungry and I have a headache, and the two don't go well together. I'm about to make my life too hard. People don't seem to realize that I need to stop making my life so hard. This is not making sense because I need a nap.
I walked around on my old college campus today (of all days). The students were oblivious, as usual. I remember when I tripped and fell on campus and nobody thought to ask me if I was OK. I should have sprung up, proclaiming, "I'm OK!" from the rooftops, but my pride was hurt more than anything. I had a love-hate relationship with that campus. I rushed through my years there, and I would greatly love to go back. If I had all the money in the world, I'd just keep getting college degrees. I'd go to class all the time.
My life is pretty easy and I can't cope. What the hell happens when things get more complicated? I figure it out, I struggle through, I do things the best I can with what I have. I don't know what it is, though. I may have absorbed other people's pessimism. I try to be the bright ray of sunshine, but some days, I'm just not feeling it. I'll settle for being moonlight instead. A weaker light, but still a kind of a guidepost, even though it's not as loud and garish and brilliant. The days of sitting and writing are gone.
4/20: What a weird April 20 this is turning out to be. If I persist in this path, my life as a wife will consist of taking care of my husband. Like, as in making sure he takes his medicine. Is this the life my parents want for me? Hell no. Is this what I want for myself? Not necessarily, but I don't want to be some spoiled bitch sitting at the computer ordering shit off Amazon while her husband works all day, overtime, just feeding her spending habit. Yes, they're two extremes. I just want to be loved.
Ten years since the original April 20. I can't believe it has been that long since it all happened. Ten friggin' years and what has changed? I think I'm a bit smarter. I'm a bit more assertive. I'm less scared of everything on God's green earth. I've conquered my anxiety a bit without having to resort to prescription medications. My self-esteem is better, though still fragile. I'm still as self-centered as I was. I still post TMI on the Internet. I still try to help people who won't accept my help and can't be helped. Codependent as hell.
I dreamed I was back in school (can't remember if it was high school or college) studying religion. The teacher told us to go to a certain page number and me and the girl beside me couldn't find it, so we were confused because there were multiple numbers on each page, and what the teacher said did not line up with what was on the page. I wonder what the meaning of that dream is. Maybe that religion has become unclear to me. Whatever it is, I don't understand it. I wish I was working at home today. It's easier.
Frustrating to feel that I am back in 2008, but I feel as though I have better wherewithal to deal with it and not make the same mistakes twice. Communication is key. I can't help that you do things without thinking. But the least you could do is ask my opinion. I need processing time; you understand this. Or maybe I thought you did. I was just not in a good mood. I can only deal with so much before I really need to "crash" and just think about things. Call it introversion, call it weirdness, but I don't care.
Five months till the wedding. Only five months to get everything ready and prepared and to find an apartment. I think you can get into apartments fairly quickly, depending on who moves out.
Sometimes I think that people are all the same. Young "pagan" unmarried adults who live in apartments with their cats and remain childless for the longest length of time because of artificial birth control. Then they decide to get married. I don't understand that at all. I guess it's just not how I was raised. Different people like different things, and so on. So many parties!
My parents' anniversary. Today I was musing on marriage. Yes, it's a choice to love the person. You have to air all your grievances right away rather than let them fester, although that is far easier said than done. Fiance irked me the other night; I told him I had to go home because it was getting late and I need sleep so I can get up at a ridiculously early hour. I don't know what it is with me and guys and sleep. Being around them makes me feel comforted, so I get sleepy and flop down in their lap.
Now the Internet is trying to sell me bupropion (Wellbutrin?) because I was researching psychotropic drugs. I don't think it's the drugs that cause the illness or the freakout... it's going off the drugs that causes it. Stopping them without warning. Changing medicines without tapering. Doing dangerous crap. I think people don't adequately understand how drugs affect them much of the time, or they get so used to taking them that they tend to forget their effects or how great an effect they have.
My purse looks like a melted thing on the desk. It has no shape.
Boredom. I don't believe in boredom. For the resourceful, entertainment and amusement can be found anywhere you look. It doesn't take much to amuse certain people, and others are so jaded by any exciting thing that it doesn't matter. Disney World becomes boring to those who have been there many times. Life is not always fun and exciting, and that's something to get used to for those who claim to have everything. That's why I'm glad I never got things when I was a kid. We never went on trips (well, rarely). So even a trip to the grocery store was adventurous.
I don't understand the contradictions. But I will learn to live with them. I will retrain my mind. The first thing I thought of when the therapist said I had to retrain my mind was the track in front of the yard that my ex's dogs dug. They ran over and over again on that same track until an indent was formed in the earth. And that's what I think of when I think of retraining my brain. That track, that indent. I need to fill that in with good dirt that will not get washed away by rain showers.
Found some good advice on conflict management. But it didn't answer my question: What happens if you bring up an issue with the person and they hear you, but they don't listen and attempt to change behavior? Do you bring it up again? If so, how many times do you bring it up? Until the person listens? I would assume so. I guess if it's not important, you'd let it go after awhile, but if it's important, you'd have to mention it. Also balancing work time and "us" time. Never miss a call from your spouse... but the normal rules don't apply.
5/1: Have neglected 100 Words for an entire weekend. Not the first time I have done so, and it won't be the last. We went to marriage prep (AKA pre-Cana), and I found it so useful that I wished already-married couples would take the class. I wished that each topic discussed in the class would be its own separate class. We can't get enough help at this stage, but with this relationship, there are special considerations. The usual rules don't apply. I'm going to need all the help I can get. Marriage is truly a hard road.
5/1: An older lady said to me, flat out: You're really skinny. And I felt like saying... you really think that's the first time I've ever heard that? I could eat malted milk balls all day long and never gain a pound. I could eat McDonald's all the time. But I don't really like eating, nor do I particularly want to eat. I know that sounds bad, but I have too many things going on in my head to worry about food. Yes, food tastes good and I get hungry. But I eat out of necessity, not because I'm a gourmand.
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