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Any way you choose me, you'll break instead. Next month is Lent, and I'm not ready. Going to give up music like I normally do, but I want to give something else up. I wonder if there are people who can give up sex for Lent. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to give up sex when you're married or have someone you are ridiculously attracted to and all you want to do is jump their bones all the time. What is it that makes a particular person attractive? Some chemical reaction going on under the surface, I guess.
ADHD. How does one live with it? I am engaged to a man with ADHD and need to learn how to manage it and myself. I think the number one thing is to not take things personally. Help him to think. Remind him of stuff because his memory is so poor. Write lists and make sure he follows the lists. Be patient and recognize his limitations. Always pray. He sits still for things he knows about and cares about. He is brilliant and comes up with such good ideas. Yet he cannot wash the dishes. I love him anyway though.
Budgeting is easy but sticking to the budget is hard. I believe my parents taught me good money habits, and so did my grandmother. That woman never spent a cent on herself and she had this constant anxiety about money, which I suppose stemmed from growing up during the Depression. I don't know why I copied her habits so much. I don't get any joy out of spending money, not really. The best things in life are free. I just need the Internet, some books, and writing utensils (which are cheap), and I'll be good for a pretty long time.
Just bought my wedding dress! Only eight million more tasks down and not many others completed. I picked the one that I believe is perfect for me. I just have to buy the veil. Pity it's so expensive. I'm just glad my parents are paying for the venue (I assume so... unless I end up having to pay half the cost). Anyway. I'd rather spend money on stuff we need for the house. I'd rather get a nice vacuum cleaner since I am going to be vacuuming quite a bit these days. And cooking. I need good stuff to cook with.
Looked at the house of horrors yesterday. The floors looked scuffed, like someone had dragged heavy furniture through them. There was a can of salmon on the counter and the refrigerator smelled horrible. The worst part was the discarded razor blade in the yard. The house had been rented, and the renters were not kind to it. "Needs some TLC," the real estate ad said. I thought it would take a very "loving" person with a lot of money, time, and incentive to fix that house back up to livable standards. Too much upfront work, and it smelled like mold.
I ought to write down a list of all my worries and fears again so I can see how many are still valid a month later and how many might have worsened or diminished completely. I have found that in life, 99% of the things you worried about, you won't even be thinking about in another year.
I bought Tom's deodorant the other day because I thought it would make me smell less. I hate antiperspirants because your body needs to sweat. I don't see how not sweating is healthy for the body when the body was designed to sweat.
Now I need to find a photographer. The sad thing is that neither my fiance nor I are very photogenic, so I feel like the photographer would be wasting his or her time. I guess the best thing to do would be to get the cheapest person possible that will allow me to manipulate my own photos. Give me the CD and I'll do what I want with it. So not enthusiastic about all these little details. I don't want to deal with all this. I want to be an active participant in my own life, but it's hard to do.
A woman in church came up to my mother and said that when she watched her praying, she saw a heart with flowers around it and had to tell my mother that her prayers would be answered soon. Does that mean my brother will finally turn back to his childhood religion? Does that mean that everything will be just fine? I think it means that I ought to start praying again because prayer works. The sacred heart of Jesus infiltrates everything. He answers our prayers even when we don't think we pray enough. Sometimes all it takes is that one desperate shout.
Tax money going toward honeymoon. Yay! I still have to do my taxes at some point. And hunt for a florist and various people who will help me with stuff. I'm just glad everyone is happy. I need to be happy too. Is a manufactured home really all that bad? I guess if you live in an area with shitty people, but I'd rather live with down to earth people than uptight cheapskates. I admire people who are real, who tell it like it is, who don't beat around the bush. Yet I am not always one of those people.
The sunrise today is so beautiful that no amount of useless words could ever give it justice. I took a picture of it and sent it to my fiance. God loves me and he is waiting for me to come back to him. I don't understand what it means to love, and so I have to learn from the best. I wish I could erase the past and start anew and I have technically done so, but I need to get better at it. I've done everything in my power and I leave the rest of it up to God.
2/12: The United States is facing a huge drug epidemic. For some reason it's a huge problem in New Hampshire, and I'm not exactly sure why that state in particular. Maybe because they are more liberal? I would imagine that they are. Perhaps a large number of drug sellers live up there. In my state drugs aren't that bad, but it depends on where you live. You don't want to live in town or in areas with a lot of bail bondsmen and sketch strip malls. Then you're asking for trouble no matter where you go. Now for real estate...
Disney hikes prices. What a shock. Seems like everyone is doing that these days and the cost of living is going to skyrocket. I based our monthly budget off the worst possible month: where expenses are super high and we make the smallest amount of money because we get the fewest number of hours. It's February and it's going to be 80 degrees. And they say there's no global warming. Those damn climate change deniers need to study their history or their science or whatever and stop listening to biased radio talk shows whose hosts don't know a damn thing.
Constant worrying. I don't know how to stop second-guessing myself. I do it all the time. Am I being too forceful? Am I not being forceful enough? Should I be like this? Should I be like that? What makes me happy? Honestly, the answer is being away from other people because other people stress me the hell out and make me question myself and my motives. Am I lying? Am I telling the truth? Am I doing what's right for me? Who the hell knows. I look like I know everything, but in truth, I know nothing. Just doing things one step at a time.
Happy Valentine's Day! Nothing says "I love you" like a good beheading. People want to help with all this wedding stuff, but I feel like the more help I accept, the more unwanted opinions I have to put up with and the more people I have to coordinate. I don't like herding people around. I know they usually herd themselves, but it's just one more stressful thing I have to deal with. I want nothing more than to sit down with a good book. Or any book, really. Actually, I just want to sit down. But first, must make plans.
2/17: Ironically, cursing doesn't make you a badass. The only thing that does is being true to yourself and not worrying about what other people think. To a great degree, my entire identity is wrapped up in worries about what others think. I don't know why I care about this so much. I always have to remind myself that most others don't truly care. Not because they are looking out for only themselves but because the world is so busy in general that they don't worry about how I'm doing. Little old me is not that important after all.
2/17: Met with the florist and got completely confused. I am not one of those girls who planned her wedding from the day she came out of the womb or saw a Disney princess movie. For a long time, I thought I would never get married and live like an old spinster. But at the same time, I did not want to be alone because I would tear myself apart (mentally, of course). I'm not made to be a princess. I might look sweet and innocent, but I'm just as dark and evil as any other human out there.
I wish I remembered more about trigonometry from school. Need to stop having a negative outlook and believe that everything will work out OK. God has always been on my side and he has never let me down. Everything good I have comes from him, and all my positive traits are from him (and I guess the negative ones, too, since he made me, after all). Gratitude is important, and the things I am most grateful for are usually people, even though I say that I don't need people. Why are they so nice to me? What did I ever do?
2/20: Trying in vain to keep up with 100 Words. Where does the time go? Where do the days go? I have probably around 200 days until my wedding in September. I can't control my feelings. Well, I guess I could, but can you change the way you are attracted to a person? No. I may seem cold, but I'm not. I give the person an inch, they take a mile, and how the hell is that my fault? I can't be responsible for someone else's cognitive distortions. Everyone needs to talk to God, AKA the greatest therapist.
2/20: One of the girls in my youth group was cutting herself. Supposedly they do it in response to a kind of trauma. Abuse by a parent or a boyfriend or even a sibling. I have never cut but I know many people who have. It is sad, and it seems like it is becoming more common or even trendy. They go online and get advice from people on the Internet about cutting. These "adults" online have nothing better to do than to harass young children and make them feel as though they are worthless. It's a sad state of affairs.
Did Hitler never let Eva leave the house, or did she hesitate and avoid telling him that she wanted to get out because she didn't want to make him angry? Apparently, not speaking your mind is one of the top regrets of people on their deathbed. It's funny how common a problem the lack of assertiveness is. People are so afraid about what others think. I despise social media for that reason. A whole bunch of suck-ups, then they can't possibly say what they want to the other person's face because it goes against what they said online. Lies.
Made it to DC in one piece and in time for the meeting, which was lucky. I was telling myself not to look at the clock the entire time I was transitioning from the airport to the hotel, praying that I wasn't late. Got to the hotel, checked in, got to my room, finally dug out my cell phone and found that I was a half hour early. Nice to be on time for a change. I wish I had a better view from the window of the meeting room. I think they would call this "industrial" in their parlance.
Got to the meeting room in good time. Reading intelligent things future husband says on the chat. He makes me smile, he is so good. Talking about the names of our children. I want to build up something positive with him. Of course you're going to have fights and negative moments, but you get over them. We will get over them together. It's hard for me to get used to having someone else in the picture when I have spent so much of my life as a single person or just not caring what the other person on the picture thought.
I find it kind of odd that the song by Quiet Riot (I think they're the ones who sing it--I get them mixed up with Alice Cooper and Twisted Sister. All three of those bands sound the same to me. Anyway.) "Cum on Feel the Noize" is all misspelled and stupid. I mean, the song is stupid, but at least spell it right. And I hate that "cum" is spelled the way it is. Reminds me of Latin or something. It just looks extra vulgar that way. And I can never look at the word "come" without laughing. Immature.
What is the best course of action to take against all this intransigence? I like that word. Hardly know what it means, but I like it. This is the only writing-related thing I'm keeping up with right now. The caffeine's still humming through my veins, and I want to write, but I can't. There is too much dust in my room, but I have no energy to dust, only to write. I think about him and how he bothers me. He will bother me for the rest of my life. Reality will sink in, and he will deal with it. We will.
Filed my taxes. Going to file my grandmother's taxes, but the program kicked me out. She passed away in 2016. It's weird doing her taxes after she passed away, but I guess it's one of the last things I can do for her. I didn't get to see her too much in the last years. I didn't make the time. That was my fault out of lack of assertiveness. Everything fucked up in my life happened because of lack of assertiveness. I don't let my will be known because I am too shy and too afraid to rock the boat.
2/27: Another Monday, another finance class. I'm going to miss this one when it's over, let me tell you what. I realize that I never say what I want to say. In my head, I automatically dismiss it as unimportant. I hate that I come off as cold to others. I don't intend to. I will hug you but I'm not a hugging, touchy-feely person. Stop trying to make me into something I'm not. Maybe this is a perceived defect but it is just the opposite of everything that you watch and see. TV shows have warm, huggable characters.
I realized I haven't seen the old DRE at my parish for a long time. I wonder if she went to another parish. I wonder these things randomly. I miss her. I used to like the way she was always so accessible, and she wasn't super high maintenance. The education of our children is super important, but the way it is perceived by others is lackadaisical (or lacks-a-daisy, as my fiance would say). They seem to think that the primary catechist is the CCD teacher, but the parents should be the main catechist. Gotta reeducate some of these parents!
This assertiveness need is bothering me. I don't know what I have to do. Do I have to do something extra? I am horrible at keeping in touch with people because I feel like if they don't want to talk to me, then why should I constantly bug them? If they wanted to talk to me, they'd talk to me, right? I think the thing with life is that we get so bogged down in it that we don't always remember to keep in touch. I would remember to keep in touch, but I don't do it out of shyness or fear that I am imposing.
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