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A college is not requiring the SAT for admissions. I was ambivalent about the SAT because I have always hated studying for standardized tests because of Murphy's Law. What I study will never be on the test, and what I don't study will be all that's on the test. This was true for the SAT and the ACT. I did OK on both but nothing stellar. They always say that people who get perfect scores are the smartest or most likely to succeed, but that's not true. They are just better test-takers than most and don't fall victim to Murphy's Law.
I was always the weird one in school. The "crazy" one. This hurt me, but I never said anything about it and tried to go along with that "crazy" label I was given. I don't think I'm crazy, just different. And "crazy" has a lot of different meanings. It could mean mentally ill or just going against the grain of the status quo or what everyone thinks. Nobody is unique in this world -- that's what I've learned. Everyone is unique and yet nobody is unique. We live in a world full of contradictions and craziness. We're all crazy. The world has made us so.
The book I'm reading is an awful lot like Laurie Halse Anderson's Speak, which was excellent. This book is about rape, specifically date rape with a drug called Georgia Home Boy (that's the street name; I can't remember what the chemical name is off the top of my head, and I'm too lazy to look it up). The book is written very well, so well that I'm jealous of the author, but I'm still a bit confused because of the flashbacks and the order that the story's told in. I hope it sorts itself out by the end of the book.
Like most days, there isn't a whole lot to say today. There is a bug flying around the room that I desperately want to kill before it starts sucking my blood -- I have enough mosquito bites as it is. That's the biggest downside of summer: you can't go anywhere without getting bitten up by insects and you can't walk around in the grass barefoot without worrying about ticks that are so tiny you don't even feel them as they climb up and latch on. It's amazing how much you can itch from a bite from a tick the size of a pinhead.
I don't know why I am fascinated by this one person on YouTube. Maybe because I feel as though this person's life is similar to mine (at least the life they portray on YouTube seems similar) or I somehow sympathize with this person's worries and struggles that he/she (don't want to reveal gender) lifeblogs. I wonder if there is anyone who is fascinated with my online presence, but I doubt it. It's egotistical to wonder that, and my life is ridiculously boring (or at least the one I portray online is), so whoever is fascinated should get a new hobby. :)
OK, so Barbara Streisand's "People" might be the worst song I have ever heard. Ugh. And besides, I thought she was an actress? Why is it that so many actresses are also singers? I guess the two talents come together.
Also, I don't see why the Beatles were considered one of the greatest bands -- maybe it's a nostalgia thing, because their lyrics (for the most part) aren't that great. Don't get me wrong, I like the Beatles, but they do seem to be one of the most overrated bands that ever existed.
And those teen tragedy songs! So very sad!
I'm still getting through Lawrence Durrell's Justine, which is a very nice book, but I'm wondering what these people do all day besides "make love" as they term it. I guess that's why it reminds me of The Magus. It's like an overwritten soap opera, but I love the overdramatic feel to it and the aura of mystique the author surrounds his characters in. Other than that, it can drag because there's not a ton of action, but other than that, it's a nice little book. I think I'll read the rest of the series if I can find it.
Last night, I watched the first two presidential debates (the GOP candidates) on YouTube. I didn't come away with any super-strong feelings about anyone. I liked Graham, Fiorina, and Santorum best out of the first seven, and I liked Carson, Rubio, Huckabee, and Trump out of the second ten. It sounds like a cliche to like Trump, but he does tell it like it is and doesn't beat around the bush with politically correct jargon. And as much as I liked Jeb Bush, I don't want to see another Bush in office. Sorry. Scott Walker came off as weird.
Agh! Again, I burned my tongue because I was eating pizza too fast and got too hungry. I read all the time that it's actually better for you to have six small meals a day instead of three large meals a day so that your blood sugar doesn't go crazy and leave you feeling tired. Another good remedy is to eat almonds or some other protein-packed food when you hit that 2 p.m. slump (or whatever time it is when you usually get a slump). Almonds are great plain, or you can put them in trail mix. Awesome.
The call to marriage. I do not know whether I am called to marriage, called to be single, or called to become a nun and live a religious life. I can almost guarantee that I am nowhere near good enough to become a nun. The "be single forever" option is the most likely, but it seems rather sad. I would want to serve others my whole life, and I would love to be the wife of a worthy man, but I am too afraid of relationships to get involved and get hurt again. My heart is still broken. I still miss someone.
My dog has separation anxiety issues. If you leave her in a room by herself for longer than a minute or so, she'll start to howl in this high-pitched wailing voice that makes you immediately want to come to her "rescue." I guess companion dogs are hard-wired to be with their masters at all times.†
I pre-ordered something a while back and it's going to ship tomorrow. I'm ridiculously excited over it. I think half the fun of ordering stuff online is waiting till it arrives. That's why I don't do the overnight or one-day shipping.
Back in 2011 or so, I was obsessed with the word "rather" and used it all the time. I probably still use it a lot, but it's probably so far down in my subconscious that I don't even realize that use it anymore and probably use it twice as much.†
Oh, and "as per" gets on my nerves. I never know whether "as per" is correct or if you should just use "per." Using just "per" sounds better to me, so that's what I use. "As" when it means "because" is awkward to me because I read it in a British accent.
I have neglected prayer, and I have neglected my rosary, and I have turned inward to worry about my own fate and not the fate of the world. I know that this is a great mistake. I am listening to the world that tells me not to bother with the rosary or with my organized religion or with the "wafer that supposedly holds Jesus" because it keeps us enslaved. But this is wrong. It is the truth. The truth sets us free. I am a sinner and a fool and a believer in all the lies of the world.†
I took one for the team and volunteered to work on the weekend. I always use the excuse that I don't have a life and there's not much I'd be doing other than writing and staring at a computer screen anyway, but writing is my life. Don't try to throw it back in my face like it's an insult. I have people tell me to quit writing and get a life, but this is literally how I see the world. I envision the world through my words. Small-minded? Perhaps. But it's better than many other things I could be doing.
Tumblr was apparently dead last night, as it damn well should be. No one should have to spend Friday night all alone on the Internet, surfing through pictures and occasionally coming up with porn. I can search for the most innocent things in Tumblr search and still manage to get some kind of porn. It's disgusting, and it either scroll past it fast (and land on more porn, most likely) or cancel the search and use Google Images (which has the safety features on, so I don't run into that dreck). Ugh. If I wanted to watch mating, I'd go to a farm.
I think I mentioned this yesterday, but I want to talk more about it. Lonely people unconsciously doing things to push people away. I agree with this theory. One of the reasons I broke up with my boyfriend was because I sensed that he was getting bored of me or impatient with me and that he had someone else in the back of his mind, and I couldn't bear it, so I broke it off. I don't know if that has to do with loneliness, but I cannot bear to think that someone may be getting bored of me. I know I'm boring, but it still hurts.
There's so much I want to say to a particular person, but I can never bring myself to say it. I keep thinking Iíll make myself out like some crazy-ass stalker, but I donít think Iím bad or that people perceive me as bad. For some reason, I keep myself locked inside this prison because I think Iím insane or crazy or messed up or unworthy. I see myself, and I donít see a normal ďwomanĒóI see a girl or a bum or some vagrant with coffee instead of alcohol as a vice. †
I wish I was back in college sometimes. I see people on social media talking about their books and their classes and their schedule, and I remember how college was always easier than work. I do not know why. Maybe it is because youíre conditioned to the ďschoolĒ setting after spending so much of your life there, but maybe itís something else. I really donít know. I just know that it's taking me forever to get used to the working world because it isn't like school... but supposedly school prepares you for it. ††
I saw another article about the legalization of marijuana in more states than just the states it's legal in now (can't remember which those are at the moment, but I know Alaska is one of them, which strikes me as odd. I always picture Alaska in the cliche way, with lots of people in igloos. I can't picture them lighting up a doobie or whatever they call it). That was long winded, probably because I don't have anything of substance to say. Hillary is falling in the polls. It will be interesting to see how far Trump goes, though.
It's bad when I'm procrastinating on writing just 100 words. I had so many good ideas when I was in the car and I felt so inspired, then when I get home, I can't just sit down and get the ideas down. There are animals to feed.
OK, breaking news. Josh Duggar was using that Ashley Madison site to cheat on his wife and view porn... I wonder if she will still stand by him through that. There are so many men who have that issue of watching porn, and it really does destroy marriages. It's so sad.
I want to write a really long blog post about my views on sex and how it is both understated and overstated in our culture. It's a huge issue if you are a virgin. You get picked on and pondered over (what's wrong with her/him?), even if virginity is a choice you made and are happy with. Sex ed should be revamped in schools. I remember that I was 10 when I first learned about sex, and at the time, all I learned was the basic mechanics of the menstrual cycle. I think sex ed should be done in...
...two iterations, one when you're starting puberty or about to start it, and a second one when you're 16 or so. The second one would give you a more in-depth look at the hormones and the emotions that sex drags out, and it would teach girls how to track their cycles so they can better understand why they are feeling certain things and having certain physical symptoms. Parents also need to play a bigger role in teaching their kids about sex. They need to realize that even though their kid looks "innocent," she is going to think about sex. It's natural! ††
You know how they tell you not to give out personal information online? It's like not talking to strangers or not eating candy that someone hands to you from the back of some old van. Common sense. But if you make a friend online, at what point do you trust them enough to visit them? After you've seen them on Skype? After they've called you on the phone? After you've stalked them to make sure they're not some kind of predator? Or maybe Internet friends are better left to the ether of the Internet, never to be seen in person.
Some things are like dessert. To me, sex has always seemed like a "dessert" type of thing: something to be savored, something sweet, something that's so good that you don't want to enjoy it that often because you don't want to wear it out. But then again, maybe you can't wear out sex because it's different. I really don't know. That's just how I like to envision it. Everything in moderation, from the best things to the worst things. There is a reason why humans cannot reproduce asexually. We are meant to be together and bond with each other.
If a YouTube video is over 10 minutes, I tend to think twice about watching it, or I split it up. It's not that I have a short attention span, it's that my eyes get tired. It's like if a blog post is more than 500 words or so, I won't read the whole thing unless I'm really interested. If I do post something online, I make sure it's short, unless I know the audience will read something long. If something is really long, I tend to print it out just so it doesn't hurt my eyes to read it.
I started a new journal today. The cover is plain, but I think I'll find some time on the weekend to decorate it.
I read a little bit about what happened in Virginia. It's a shame, but it's even more of a shame that nothing will be done about guns/mentally ill people/violence, whatever it was. I don't know what we're waiting for. I do know that more money is hopefully being poured into mental health treatment. But it's not going to bring these people back who were lost.†
Also, I realized that I don't like meatloaf much.
Why did Anna Duggar marry Josh after his molestation past? I don't know. Nobody knows except Anna and her family. I agree that she was probably extremely naive and she got married too young. When you've been raised in a sheltered environment, you don't have a good "shit sniffer" and you can't pick out the things in life that are dangerous. You assume the best of everyone and everything, even if it's to your detriment. You see through rose-colored glasses and there is no one to take those glasses off, not if your parents put them on you.
Friends. I never got into watching the TV show, and I hear people raving about it all the time. I guess it must have been good. I don't usually care for sitcoms. I don't know if Friends had a laugh track, and I tend to hate things with laugh tracks. I like to laugh when I please, even if what I'm laughing at isn't funny.
Also, there is a bug flying around. I think it's a gnat. I am determined to kill it when it manages to land somewhere where I can see it. Why is gnat spelled with a g?
Gotta start writing now. I don't have that much time between now and when I have to leave, so I'm going to try as hard as possible to get to decent word count (and doing 100 words on here doesn't count). Also, I need to write a blog post, and I haven't the foggiest idea of what to write about. I guess I could talk about the writing books I have been reading, but that's boring. I wanted to talk about the Josh Duggar incident, but I don't think there's anything new to say about it since it was hashed out on social media.
"Feminism" is a polarizing word. There are so many different definitions of feminism... you can be a crazy "feminazi" or you can be a more moderate feminist. But I don't know where to draw the line, and I think labeling yourself as a feminist (at least openly) can be an issue because people interpret the word in many different ways. Sometimes and on some issues, I tend to believe I have a feminist viewpoint. But I don't technically call myself a feminist as a label. I guess I don't like to label myself, but others can label me however they like.
I was reading about the world population crisis. Everyone says that people in America should stop having kids because it contributes massively to global warming. Also, kids are hugely expensive. You know, I'd have kids if I could find a good man. I don't think I'd mind terribly being a stay-at-home mom. But what will happen if the population dies off is that the old people will live longer because of medicine, yet I'm betting that countries will resort to euthanasia because there won't be enough young people to care for the older ones.†
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