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Cooking makes me nervous. Anything I haven't done a million times makes me nervous. So I suppose the best way to get over nervousness and anxiety over doing things is to get out there and do them. I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said "every day, do something that scares you." That's the thing. It's hard being scared every day. It's hard getting up the energy to do something challenging when you could just sit back and do the normal things and wallow in complacency and laziness and sameness. If you want to change, you have to work hard.
My grandmother passed away yesterday. She was 100 years old, and she died in her sleep, so there's nothing to complain about. She had a wonderful, happy life with five children and countless grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I was named after her, so I am now the only one of my name in the family. I don't remember her very well. I went to see her only a few times in my life because she lived very far away, but she was a very kind person, the typical loving grandmother, based on the things that I remember from back then.
I've done pretty well with not going on news sites that often. I'm trying to cut back on it because I go to news sites like CNN and the local news and get all angry and/or depressed because all they ever talk about is something horrible that's happened. I don't think I've ever seen a headline that was about something good. If there isn't already, there should be a happy news site, with only good news. About people rescuing dogs and babies from burning houses and saving cats from trees. And about kids graduating from college free of debt.
I just read a story on CNN about parents who cancelled Christmas because their bratty kids were acting entitled and, well, bratty. So instead of spending money on gifts, they gave the money to charities and the poor. I think that's a great idea, actually, and it's so true that if you don't follow up on your threats, kids won't respect you as a parent or an authority figure. "I'm going to take away your XBox if you don't stop
" will not be such a good threat if it's not actually carried out.
It's hard to find a card for your boss that isn't completely inappropriate. A "corporate-friendly" card, if you will. You can use the generic "Season's Greetings" or the "Happy Holidays" cards, but it doesn't really express what you feel or what you believe. You can be bold and get your boss a card with "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" or "Happy Kwanzaa" or whatever on it and write a nice message. I suppose it's better to be genuine than to give in to the corporate jargon even during the holidays. It has to end at some point, right?
I had a dream that my coworker got promoted before me, when she was already promoted. In the same dream, a childhood friend got married, and I was left feeling as immature as ever. A few of my old friends appeared in the dream, and they were more mature than me, and I was trying to act cool, but it came across that I was acting like a child. I got downcast and upset, and when the dream was over, I still felt bad. Like I'm not being "adult" enough, whatever "adult" means. It's good to be a kid at heart.
They tell you that most of life is about showing up. Being there. I suppose that's true. I missed only two days in my high school career, only because I was sick, not because I skipped. I only missed one class during my college career, and that was because of female problems that were very bad. I have only missed a couple of days of work in the two years I've been there, again because of a sickness. Knock on wood. It's amazing how much you miss when you're not there and how much there is to catch up on.
Someone on Tumblr was wondering if there is a right or wrong way to keep a journal. The answer to the question is... of course there is no right or wrong way. Whatever way you like is absolutely fine. I use this site as a kind of journal, then I have my paper journal, and I have Tumblr and my other blog as kind-of journals, but the paper one is the most personal because it's the most private. So that gives me another answer: If you journal about really private stuff online, that's probably the wrong way to journal.
OK, so one of my favorite guilty-pleasure artists is Kreayshawn, a white female rapper. As far as I know, she doesn't even rap anymore because she has a kid, but her music still amuses me. There's this one song where she talks about cruising through the west side about to burn this guy's house down because he cheated on her, and she's making references to Amy Winehouse and Left Eye, who was someone from the group TLC. It's funny because I think Kreayshawn takes herself seriously as an artist... and she is always singing about a bunch of nonsense.
Perfectionism is such a difficult habit to shake, especially when your job requires you to be a perfectionist. There are certain things that are OK to care about and certain things that you should have an I-don't-care attitude about. Like what people think of you. It's almost impossible to know what someone truly thinks of you, and it's even harder to be completely honest with every person all the time. We probably don't even realize that we tell those white lies. To stop telling lies would be perfection, in an odd way, even though the truth is painful.
I saw this video about a Nazi ring in a vending machine in a dollar store in Oklahoma. I hate to say it, but I found that highly amusing. Who quality tests the products they put in the vending machines? Probably nobody because the stuff is worth only 25 cents. Even so, they should have someone who comes up with the ideas of what to put into the machines and what to make molds of. But it's still pretty funny that the mom in the story freaked out about it, and her son was four years old. He doesn't know.
Bleh, I thought I was over procrastinating. Rome was not built in a day, I suppose. I realized that when you dream, your subconscious gives you what you cannot have or are missing in your life. For instance, all those loose ends. Perhaps you did not reconcile with a person. But your subconscious will give you dreams about tying up those loose ends and meeting up with that person, and all becoming well. That also reminds me... I never dream about sleep. Does anyone dream about sleep? Seems to me that you don't need sleep when you are actually asleep.
Today is bright, but it's going to be bitterly cold. I'm going to spend the better part of the morning at a church retreat, so when I get back, it'll be noon and I'll have to break through my midday slump in order to write. I cannot make my brain work past 2 p.m. or so. From 2 p.m. until 5, I just don't work. I'm not sure why that is. I guess I need a siesta or something. In any event, I'm glad that I'm actually going somewhere today and not sitting in front of a screen.
There are a few things about soap operas that really weird me out. Like how the characters always seem to go to the same few restaurants where they can "coincidentally" meet up with some other characters and crazy drama ensues. And when characters are always spying on each other behind closed doors and walk into conversations and precisely the right moment. I guess that's what makes soap operas so much fun to watch and so addicting; they rely so much on coincidences and are completely unrealistic. But it is frustrating when they are real... yet somehow not real at all.
People tell me I'm smart all the time, but I really don't believe it on some days. Like today, I felt like a complete ditz who can't handle anything. I wanted to literally smash my head into my desk in outrage at my own ignorance, stupidity, and frustration.
In other news, I think I finally outgrew the Smashing Pumpkins. I got an email about their new song, and I don't care to hear it. Billy Corgan's voice has changed over the years as can be expected, and it's not the same as it was. I liked it all raspy.
There are so many books that I want to read, so many songs that I have forgotten that I want to write down or remember so I can capture them and remember them forever. I was looking back at the "soundtrack" that I made when I was in high school. Back then, every day had a song attached to it, and it is funny because I can hear some of those songs on the radio now and know exactly which day they went with. Like... Bush's Comedown was for October 5, 2004. Such useless facts I remember without knowing why.
I recycled a post on my Tumblr to use on my WordPress; that's how few blog ideas I have. I am going to cut back in the new year, because I feel as though I am beginning to bore my audience, because I am running out of things to say, and because I am growing paranoid of having my words out on the computer where they can be read and traced back to me very easily. I try not to post anything that I would think is embarrassing, but who knows what I will find embarrassing in a few years?
So much craziness at work and it ain't over yet. Fortunately, I'm working from home next week. Not having to commute will be a vacation in and of itself. I didn't write in 100 Words, didn't check my personal email, and didn't write a blog because I was working 11-hour days. I'm not complaining; seeing that overtime pay in my paycheck will be good. But what I would really like is some time off. I may do that in January or February; I don't want to get too busy. Then I start to forget that I have a life.
I am going to forgo going to a holiday get-together because I am tired. Social interaction is like a chore to me; it's something to get over with or do because it makes me healthy not because I enjoy it. Sort of like eating vegetables or drinking 8 glasses of water a day. I am not the biggest fan of drinking water because I hate having to get up to pee every five minutes, and I don't like how water makes my stomach constantly feel full. Stupid, first-world problem complaints as usual, but I need someplace to rant.
Finally, a day when I can hopefully relax and do what I want without having to please anyone else! It gets tiresome being a "people-pleaser" because most of the time, the people you please get so used to being pleased that they can't bother to find out what you want.
The Christmas presents I ordered still haven't gotten here yet, but that's all right. I have patience. I just want them to get here before Christmas at least. Come on, UPS, FedEx, DHL, and USPS! Let's keep those packages moving! Work that overtime! Make the kids happy on Christmas!
I really like that Tove Lo song about how she has to stay high all the time to keep her mind off her significant other who presumably broke her heart. I saw the video yesterday, and that was also an enjoyable experience because the video perfectly summed up the song. It bothers me when I watch videos and they have nothing to do with the song. A video should be a short story, just as a movie should be a novel. I know I look too deeply into these things, but isn't a song supposed to be deep and beautiful?
I am at a complete loss for words about what to write about in my blog. I feel so self-conscious about it for some odd reason. I never felt self-conscious about putting my thoughts on the Internet before, and I never thought that it might bother me eventually. I don't have anything profound to say. If Captain Obvious had a wife, that would be me. So what is the point of even talking? Others have said it better. I might not have anything new to contribute, but I can add to what's already there. At least that counts.
I don't have much to say. All I want is to get all my writing done so that I can stop staring at screens. I have been looking at a screen for almost 12 hours today and my eyes hurt. Luckily, I don't have to work this Christmas Eve or Christmas, so I can chill out and relax for a change. I really should have taken some time off, but every year I manage to convince myself that it won't be that bad. Oh, and my favorite Christmas typo: "He was wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manager."
Christmas Eve and I'm finally getting some time to relax and chill out and open a book. I'm reading Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King, and the sad thing is that I understand and sympathize with the antagonist. I don't like him, but I do find him a fascinating character because I know a ton of people who could be him, with just a few tweaks to their personality or living situation. I'm not sure that Stephen King knows all that much about what it's like to be 20-something in the 2010s, but he knows enough to make it real.
Christmas is a holiday for the children, more so than any other holiday. After all, Christ was a child. Just a baby. You know that song that goes "what if God was one of us?" Well, God was one of us, for 33 years at least. He was born like us. He walked around like us. He laughed and smiled and ate and went to the bathroom and had friends and slept... just like us. But he was the son of God and therefore without sin. And we pushed him away, we sent him to die. We had no mercy.
There are unscrupulous people who weigh trading card game booster packs so that they get the best cards and those who get the packs that weigh less get nothing. That's not fair, especially if you're trying to do something nice like give them away for free. It's even worse if you're selling them on eBay and you conveniently neglect to mention that you have weighed them and the chances of getting a good pack are slim to none. The randomness of the packs is the fun of collecting the cards in the first place. You don't know what you'll get.
They have a lot of meaningless labels for different things. All of a sudden, you need to figure out whether you are bisexual or aromantic or asexual or cisgender (whatever that means)... but all that does is put you in a box and create unrealistic expectations. You're an individual, and you're not going to conform to that description all the time. Like with the Myers-Briggs test. If you're an ESFP, for example, that doesn't mean that you'll embody all of those traits 100% of the time. It's just a category and an oversimplification. Always remember that you are unique.
Dang, I just typed my entire entry and it said that it had a MySQL error. For the longest time, I pronounced SQL "squirrel" because that's the first thing that came into my head when I saw the acronym. I think it's actually supposed to be pronounced "sequel," but I'm not 100% sure. It could even be "squeal," but MySQUEAL sounds weird to me.
In other news, I cleaned out some stuff on my blog. Instead of spring cleaning, I do New Year cleaning, and it's just as therapeutic. I'm getting rid of books I haven't touched in years.
I have no idea what to write today. I guess I could write about something that happened last week (or was it the week before?). Anyway, I was driving home from work and I saw this Christmas tree fallen from someone's car or truck and lying in the middle of the left lane on the interstate. So immediately I began to concoct a parody:
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
You've fallen on I-40
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
Your branches are so oily
And as the cars go rushing by,
You look to the sky and cry...
etc., etc., etc.
Today I worked so hard that I gave myself a headache, but luckily, I managed to accomplish what I had set out to do. My headache is pretty much gone now. I think all I needed to do was finish my work and go outside and breathe in some of that wintry air. Maybe it was the ibuprofen I took, but who knows?
The latest story on CNN is that cell phones make you stupid. The mere presence of a cell phone can slow down your mental functioning. I guess I should put my phone away more often at work.
Last post of 2014 on this site. The year was a little anticlimactic, but I didn't really expect much to happen. I traveled a lot more than I did last year, and I managed to spend less time on the Internet. I've broken a lot of old habits. This has been a year of progress. I know that I have to be the one to go out and make things happen. They will not just happen on their own. I can wait for certain things but not for my own happiness to magically come to me. Here's to next year!
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