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I feel so lazy without coffee. It's a vacation day, and I know I'm supposed to be lazy, but it never sits well with me. In this modern, fast-paced world, we're supposed to produce and produce and never just sit around doing things like *gasp* enjoying our lives! I have plenty of things to do, but I won't do them just yet. I like these early morning hours when the sky is not yet blue and nobody in the house is awake, except the cats, and they do not make much noise unless they have not been feed yet.
Mental illness is stigmatized in society, but not as bad as it used to be. I'm glad that there is a lot more awareness and that they simply aren't locking people up in dungeons or asylums anymore. I think I read somewhere that people who have mental illness are more likely to be a victim of a crime than to commit a crime. That seems like it's the truth, but I haven't met many of those people, so I can't say for sure. I just hope that their care gets better. People have souls and should be treated right.
I want to go back to journaling on paper, but I hate my handwriting. I feel as if I don't have time (I type faster than I write). There's something satisfying about filling in pages with your own handwriting, no matter how bad it is. Not to mention that notebooks and writing utensils look so pretty, and every time I see a notebook in a store, I am tempted to buy it, but I have to remind myself that I rarely write by hand anymore, and the notebook would be sitting useless for several years before I picked it up.
This is going to sound very odd, but Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez remind me of the way my ex and I used to be. She is two years older than him, I'm roughly two years older than my ex (actually, it's like a year and nine months, but whatever). Justin Bieber is kind of a wannabe badass, like my ex. Selena is a good girl but keeps taking the ex back and falling for his "charms" like me. It's so weird how we project so much of ourselves onto celebrities and get very upset when they break up.
People who do not take the advice of their elders in favor of taking advice from their peers are foolish, in my eyes. (And when I say people, I'm talking about teenagers and twenty-somethings.) When you take advice from a peer, it's like the blind leading the blind; you both know nothing about life. But when you take advice from someone older, who has likely been in that position, you're making a wise decision. That person has the authority to give you advice on how to proceed. But your peers are well-intended and can see your side better.
It's kind of weird, but I always feel like a Joyce Carol Oates character, some shy, awkward, naive girl on the brink of either tragedy or victory (or more likely, a mixture of both). Reading The Gravedigger's Daughter right now, and I sympathize with the main character. Her husband, Tignor, reminds me of some guy I went out with very briefly back in college. The strength of him. The way he went by his last name, and even I called him by his last name. It was like he knew me forever, but he never really knew me at all.
It would be kind of silly if I didn't go ahead and mention this. It's been 10 years. How crazy. This date always leads to what-if thoughts. What if we had lasted? Would we be married now? Would we have kids? Would I be happy or kicking myself for marrying him? Honestly, I'm happy with my life as it is. I have everything I need, and I don't have any serious difficulties (knock on wood). But it was nice to have "love" even if the "love" was insecure and you worried it might disappear any day. Like a drug.
I'm not a person who needs a lot of companionship, so when I start feeling like I want a boyfriend, I always wonder (rather suspiciously) whether it's just hormones making me feel that way. The need to reproduce would be more powerful than the need to talk to someone and have someone always there, living in the same house, breathing the same air. I guess it's a mix of both, but I can be sure the prevailing one is reproduction. I have never liked having a guy hanging around me for too long. I always worry and worry and worry.
Yesterday had to be the worst day I've had in a while. Doctors' offices bug me because they treat you like you're inhuman. I mean... I understand that the body is more or less a machine that you're supposed to take care of and not abuse until the point when you die and you don't need it anymore. But some doctors forget that you have a soul and you are a human, even though you do have a machine-like body. And so they don't care how much pain they inflict or how they may hurt your feelings. It sucks.
How does it feel to be so lonely that you're not even aware you're lonely until you start talking to yourself in public and getting odd looks? Then all of a sudden, you realize... I'm lonely. I haven't opened my heart to another human being in years! What should I do? Once you decide to alleviate your loneliness, it becomes daunting and almost impossible. You have built up a tough shell around yourself that is difficult for anybody to penetrate. It's even difficult for you to break out of this shell, so you have to struggle to crack it open.
I hope the president actually does something about ISIS instead of saying a bunch of fancy words that he probably didn't even write himself. They are a danger to Republicans and Democrats alike, so why can't we just drop the bipartisanism (or whatever) and fight this thing?
That's enough with talking about stuff I don't know anything about. The older I get, the more I realize that I know very little. I guess as long as you know enough to get by in this life, you're OK. But some people want to know so much that their brain explodes.
I hate when I have no clue what to write about. I do not remember much from my dreams last night, so I can't write them down. Nothing is going on in my life that's interesting or entertaining enough to write about. There was a traffic jam on the way to work, and that hardly ever happens because I leave so early. I get stuck in traffic going to work about 5 times a year at the absolute most. On the way home, it's another story. Then it's maybe 364 times a year. (Not really, but you get my point.)
When I was younger, before I had the Internet readily available in my house, I used to buy strategy guides for all my video games. It is a good rule of thumb to NEVER buy the strategy guide that's written by the same company that developed and marketed the video game. Don't do it. It'll be biased and will never give you an objective view on any aspect of the game. It's best to download fan-written strategy guides from the Internet because they are in no way biased (unless the person really hates the game for some strange reason).
I had a dream about Temple Drake and Miley Cyrus (although not on the same night) and I think I know why. They both got "wrecked" supposedly; Temple with the corncob and Miley with the whole "wrecking ball" analogy that you have to speculate was because of a guy. Then in the dream, I changed so that I was Miley and I was singing the wrecking ball song to some guy, but I don't remember who the guy was, only that he must have "wrecked" me at some point. Relationships are delicate things, but after a while, you don't care.
I do not know what to write about anymore except the usual complaints. I don't see any point to writing 100 words of fiction because it always ties back into my life somehow. I know that introverts cannot help being "self-centered" and they may not be truly "self-centered," but the way they relate best to the world is through the self. (Or at least, that's how it is for me.) I spend all week and one day on the weekend trying my best to not be self-centered, but still, I wind up wondering whether I truly am.
It's easier to pour your heart out to the Internet, a vast, seething entity made up of many more people than you would ever find in your real-life sphere of influence. In the Internet, it's like I'm talking to a crowd and someone, somewhere will understand and perhaps comment. In reality, I have to talk directly to someone, share my thoughts and quite possibly either embarrass or offend that person. I know I ought to get some balls and talk to some real people because even an introvert like me misses having face-to-face communication now and then.
How can you be too busy for 100 words a day? It's easy. You get so bogged down in everyday mundane things that you forget. If you have too much stuff in your mind to remember, the little things will slip out of your brain and leak out of your ears. I can see the information leaking... a silver trail of little ones and zeros making their escape. But where would they go? Back to the cloud, so you could pull them down again later? Perhaps the cloud is a heaven for lost data. All my floppy disks are there.
You'd think racism would be dead by now. Then I suddenly received this email with a link to a site with all these racist jokes, so apparently racism is still alive and well. These jokes were immature and stupid, and I was ashamed of the person who had sent them to me (and there was nothing in the email indicating that the link was to a website full of racist jokes). So I deleted it and went on with my life, but it still upsets me. Racism is kind of outdated, but in some people's minds, it still lives on.
It's weird to think that a lot of the sites I used when I was younger are either defunct or have been bought by other companies and changed their premise. MySpace is completely different now, and almost nobody uses it. Xanga was in the middle of some kind of transformation, but I think that was abandoned. And Quizilla was bought by Teen Nick (I think). The only thing that's not dead is LiveJournal, but ironically, that was never really "alive" because nobody ever used it. GreatestJournal is gone, too. 100Words is still here (duh), but it is a ghost town.
I have no ergonomics at my desk at home. Literally. When I bought my chair, it said on the box that it was only meant to be sat in for two hours at a time. There were other chairs that were meant to be sat in for 8 hours, which is the average length of the workday. If I sit properly, the monitor is too far from my face, which causes me to lean forward and squint, but if I move the monitor closer, I realize that I have very little desk space. Need an ergonomics person to come.
It's weird. I only have three subscriptions on YouTube, and they're all to entertainers or collectors, not to any friends. None of my friends (at least that I know of) have been video creators or into the movie-making business. Almost like how very few of my friends really write on social media or blog sites. If anything, they write a couple of lines and that's it. They rarely go on and on like I do, and I don't think any of them would have much interest in a site like this, where you have to write every single day.
It's weird when you meet someone who has worse flaws than you; it suddenly makes you glad that you have the flaws that you do have. I'd take shyness over laziness. And then I get sad because I'm not able to connect with others readily. It takes me a long time to warm up to a person, and I do not warm up to just anyone. Then when I lose that person, it takes me forever to get over them because I told them things I have told literally no one else. People who can share readily are so lucky.
I had a dream that I was going to marry my ex, but I was pregnant at the wedding rehearsal, and the entire time, I was thinking about that Dixie Chicks song that goes, "I shouldn't be wearing white, and you can't afford no ring." Strange. I remembered feeling a sense of dread about the wedding. Like, I can't marry this guy because he is on the verge of losing his job because of something stupid he did, and it'll be ages before he gets another job, and the baby will be born soon, so how will we feed it?
I have forgotten to back up my writing these past couple of days, which could spell tragedy in the event that my flash drive fails. It's weird. You tell yourself that you do not care enough about your stuff that you will be seriously mad when it disappears, but when it does disappear, you realize just how much stuff you had on a tiny flash drive and how much it meant to you. It happened to me once. I was pretty devastated, but I got over it fairly quickly. I think I was in seventh grade at the time.
I have a new remedy for days when I get stuck in traffic (due to rain or accidents or a combination of both, along with whatever other unpredictable factors occurred). To sing to whatever is on the radio or whatever is on the CD I have, as loud as I possibly can, in an attempt to drown out my own annoyance at being stuck in traffic. It works, and it makes the time go a lot faster and become more enjoyable. I bet a lot of other people use that remedy, and it is much better than complaining and cursing.
Back in 2003, they used to play Matchbox Twenty's "Unwell" on the radio constantly. I didn't even like the song that much (probably because it was so overplayed), but to this day, I remember every word, every subtlety of the song. I don't like when they overplay songs because any meaning they might have, any memories they may bring up... all of those things get diluted when the song is played repeatedly on the Top 40 radio. I like those songs that they play for a week or two and you never hear them again. Those are always much better.
Chelsea Clinton just had her baby. I like the name: Charlotte. It is classy and classic, but I do not think I would have expected Chelsea to do anything different. As much hate as the Clintons get, I don't mind Chelsea and her husband. Chelsea at least seems like she would have a heart, where I can't see Hillary as being even remotely human. Perhaps she was when she was much younger, but the older and more entrenched in your views that you get, the less willing to accept another's opinion you are. Chelsea is still fairly pliable, I think.
I was watching the first episode of Secret Life of the American Teenager, and I was struck by how stilted the dialogue was. I know that they're characters and that they have a plot to get through, but the dialogue was wooden and unrealistic. I don't think there are any teenagers in real life who talk that way. That's why I enjoyed Freaks and Geeks so much; it was realistic. The characters' quirky personalities were realistic enough to make me sympathize with them and want them to achieve their goals. The Secret Life characters are a bunch of fakes.
I have a song by Staind stuck in my head, and it is well known that Staind writes incredibly sad songs, like "Right Here," that song about falling is easy but getting back up is the problem, and there are others but I don't remember their titles. Maybe they're not really supposed to be sad songs. Maybe it's the singer's voice that makes the songs sound sad. I can imagine him singing Caramelldansen in his raspy, post-grunge wail and it would sound like the saddest dirge at the loneliest funeral on the planet. I want to be happy today.
The end of another fiscal year. I feel like walking around and telling everyone "Happy Fiscal Year Eve" like some kind of workplace weirdo.
I had a dream I visited my old community college, but it looked different from the way it looks in reality, the way things are in dreams. They look totally different yet they're so familiar, you could have sworn you've seen them before. I remember walking through the woods, holding two baby fairies in the palm of my hand. I think one of them died while I was carrying it, and I got in trouble.
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