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May was a stressful month, but now it's over. I'm glad that it's over, but at the same time, I'm a little sad. The passage of time always makes me a bit upset, but I have to remember that there is nothing I can do to stop it or do anything about it. Sometimes I feel so old, yet I feel so young. I feel as though love will never come to me again, and I don't care. I don't care to make friends or to fall in love. It's too much hassle, too much heartbreak, and too much struggle.
I'm reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It's probably the saddest book I've read all year.
I often think about death. What it will be like after my parents die and my brother moves out and I have the house to myself. About being all alone in the world. I do not see myself married. I would never want to irritate another person with the way I am. I will stay the same as I always am. I think about my own death and what they will say about me, but I guess everyone does that.
Now for the unpopular opinion: I don't approve of a couple living together before marriage. Or, as Dr. Laura et al. call it, "shacking up." The man gets sex, food, clean clothes, etc. without any of the commitment. It's not fair to either party, really.
Then again, it works for some people. Some people who live together before they get married end up getting married and staying married for their entire lives.
I guess it really depends on the relationship and the two people. I know it wouldn't work for me personally, but that's my two cents.
My quarter of a century birthday was good. I wasn't bothered by anyone. I went to a restaurant I haven't been to in a long time. I ate cake and my favorite meal.
I found out that my cousin is getting married. He's about three months older than me. I'm happy for him and glad that he found someone he can spend the rest of his life with. His fiancee, from what little I know about her, seems like a sweet person. I'd like to go to the wedding, but in my 25 years, I haven't been to one.
I despise my ex-boyfriend. I simply go to his house so we can work on the series we're writing together, and he has to have his girlfriend "with him" on Skype the entire time. That's weak. You can't talk to me without any other people around? You have always been incapable of having a serious, one-on-one conversation about anything. I can't reason with you because you don't listen to reason. You think you're the shit, but you have no job, no money, no car, no education... nothing. Stop trying to overcompensate and get the fuck over yourself.
I feel like garbage, but I think it's a product of what we call "that time of the month," so I have no choice but to wait it out. Self-pity really is the worst emotion, but it's not an emotion. It's a state of being, really. I feel like indulging in self-pity, but I am then forced to think about the things I have and how I cannot pity myself, not when I can actually get out and do something about it. Or improve someone else's state of being. That is what I need to do more of.
If something gives you the temptation to sin, you should remove it from your life.
I should make that my mantra. Today (again) I was thinking of my ex-boyfriend and jealousy. I'm jealous of his new "girlfriend." When we were dating, I was jealous of other girls he talked to, flirted with, etc. But it makes no sense. I never wanted to date him, really. I don't like him anymore. I know that he's bad for me. But why am I still jealous? Why do I get into such a rage? Why do I turn into a little demon?
I like your Facebook picture. You look happy and adjusted and you look like you are living life the way you always meant to live it. I miss your smile and those green eyes. I miss how you were unique -- how you didn't follow the crowd or any one person. You followed yourself. You did your own thing. You're younger than me, but I find myself wanting to be like you.
I've done some things you'd be upset at me for, but it was a learning experience. What I really learned was that I miss you.
I don't think it gets much worse than being with a guy who wants to touch you and keeps trying to touch you in all these not-so-subtle ways. Like, when he hugs me, he tries to slip his hand up my shirt. It's kinda gross. I do not like his sweaty hands touching me. I don't like when he leans over and pats me on the knee or the shoulder or even on the head like I am some little kid. I'm not even the touchy-feely type with people I like, let alone people I don't like.
I essentially gave up on social networking, so I have been participating in forums more recently. (I guess that is a kind of social networking, but it's not as pervasive and annoying. At least not yet.) The two forums I've been on so far are full of nice people (well, nonjudgmental people) that I have a lot in common with, so this should turn out pretty well. I don't feel obligated to post a status update or to post any tidbits about my life. If I wanted, I could create a fictional persona, but that would not exactly be fair.
For a long time, I was obsessed with guys. I always had a crush of some kind, ever since middle school. Deep down, I knew that this was wrong, that I shouldn't depend so much on guys and their attention. (This is also making me out to be a type of slut, but I assure you I am not.) Now, I can't find a single guy worth crushing on or bothering with... I think I have lost interest. Not that I'm going lesbian or asexual (don't think it's possible to, anyway), but I'm just getting disillusioned with love and romance.
I feel like my life has to change. I feel like I will suffocate if I keep living this way. (Overdramatic, I know.) I do not like spending most of my time in front of the computer. I work with computers at work, then my hobby is writing, so I come home and click away at MS Word... there has to be a better way. I could return to good old paper and pencil, but in the end, what I write has to be somehow entered into the computer, so... I want to do something that doesn't involve computers.
My poor stomach feels beaten up and I can't really say why. Stress, I suppose. Aftermath of hormones.
Speaking of hormones, I hate how puberty ruins us. It turns us into hairy, sex-addicted beasts without any of the childhood innocence that had made us so endearing and cute before. Once kids get into middle school and high school, they turn into monsters. And they stay monsters until they get old and the hormonal rush starts to finally fade.
Sex isn't good unless it's with the right person. Otherwise, you're throwing your emotions into a bottomless pit.
Everyone makes typos from time to time, even esteemed editors. We tend to think faster than we type or write, so sometimes we end up missing little words like "of" and "in" and "on" and so forth. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But some people do get obsessive over the errors of others and point them out on the Internet... we tend to call those people Grammar Nazis. I used to be one of them, but there's little point in pointing out all kinds of typos when some people do not care enough to go in and fix them.
Last night, I went to bed at 9:00. My dad said he felt sorry for me. Why? Because I have no friends to go out and party with on Friday night. Why would I want to go to a party and get drunk and exhausted and make mistakes? First of all, who would I party with in the first place? My best friend is like me; he doesn't care for parties (or at least those types of parties).
I still have so much to learn. I have to keep reminding myself that the world isn't black and white.
I am learning all these things that they tell you. Platitudes that you hear all the time: Don't judge others. That's super easy to tell someone. It's easy to hear. But the thing is, you don't even realize that you're judging people. You do it subconsciously with the same ease with which you breathe.
Love others. Again, easy to say, but hard to do. What you think is loving others might only be taking the path of least resistance. Buying them expensive gifts when you could be spending time with them. These are lessons to be learned in reality.
Life involves putting the lessons you have learned into practice. It involves learning new lessons and trying new things and getting better at being a good person. Yet that's hard because everyone has flaws that they need to overcome. Life is a challenge in that regard.
A lot of people say that I am naive. I do not know whether to be offended or not. Naive is better than being cold and cynical. But naive is dangerous. Naive people fall into traps and are gullible. Maybe it's just because I'm young... but I am not all that young anymore.
This is hilarious. I was writing an entry about common sense, and I had the brilliant idea to delete my entire browser history while typing the post. Thus, I lost everything because the server couldn't remember who I was since I had deleted my history and saved passwords.
Common sense, people. I sincerely hope you have more than me. Trust me, it comes in handy.
I can't remember what exactly my post was about. Common sense, yes, but there was something more specific that I won't remember until I post these words and can't go back to them.
I was listening to Bush this morning, which is somewhat dangerous because that band always brings back memories of high school. (Not that I went to high school in the 90s, but I am a huge fan of 90s music.) And the memory that I remembered most clearly was a negative one. Does that mean I shouldn't listen to Bush anymore? Or listen to it more often so that I no longer associate that particular band with that particular series of memories? Or perhaps I should "grow up" and quit listening to "teenager" music. (Nah, not gonna happen anytime soon!)
Almost forgot to write my 100 words this morning. I was too busy thinking about my works in progress, one of them having to do with actual work and the other having to do with my own personal work. I am thinking that I will have the energy to edit my own writing, and by all means, I should have the energy, seeing as I'm not that old yet. When it comes time for editing, I'll probably look at my work and think that I'm totally not ready for it. I'll get tired, shake my head, but drag along anyway.
I had a dream last night that I was changing a baby's diaper. Kind of weird because I have never changed a baby's diaper before in my life. But the thing is, in the story I'm working on finishing, my main character just had twins. My boss's daughter (in real life) is expecting twins. So it's like... babies everywhere. Not that I have a problem with babies, but I do wonder that if I ever have a baby, will I be able to take care of it right. Is motherhood something that's instinctive? Or is it something that is learned?
Sometimes you remember lines that people said to you when you were a child. Random words or phrases that are basically meaningless because you do not remember the full context in which they were said. Then you try to strain your memory to remember them and you really can't. When you try to verify those words with the person who said them or the person you were with at the time, they do not remember at all. But their random remembered lines may be something that you do not remember at all. It is funny how your brain's memory works.
When I was younger, I used to believe in my dreams. Literally. I thought that whatever happened in my dreams at night would come to pass in real life. It's like my subconscious mind has a mind of her own, and thus, she has become my alter ego. My dreams back then had enough of a storyline behind them so that they felt like they could form a book or a movie or even someone's life. They felt sensical, I suppose (as opposed to nonsensical). However, I would never do what my subconscious does, because she can be very immoral.
The news has been posting a lot of stories about kids accidentally shooting themselves, then they try to blame the deaths on guns. I'm sorry, but that is not the fault of the gun. Or the fault of the child who got hold of the gun. That, plain and simple, is bad parenting. That's being irresponsible. A child should have no access to guns. Guns should be kept locked up and unloaded. It is common sense. When a child is old enough, a parent should teach them proper safety around guns. Overall, parents really need to keep their kids safe.
I finally managed to get off my lazy butt and write another chapter of my story yesterday. When you take a few days off, then try to get back into the routine of writing, it doesn't work that well. You end up dragging around and procrastinating... so finally you have to kick your own butt into high gear. I ended up unplugging my Internet cable, so I went a record 24 hours without visiting my favorite sites, put my nose to the grindstone, and got the chapter written. I am going to continue that streak until I finish this part.
I was going to write these 100 words this morning, but I got sidetracked. Funny when deadlines always manage to shift... anyway. Pretty soon I'll be leaving work and going home and writing. Or eating. Ah, this is going to be a boring set of 100 words. I had an interesting dream last night, but dreams are only interesting to the dreamer and not to anyone else who might happen to hear about it. Dreams of others are only interesting when they include you.
I literally have nothing else to write. Strange. Usually I end up babbling (mostly incoherently).
It looks like things might end up better today than they did yesterday. I realized something last night: I have no desire to put sex scenes into my stories anymore. I can't say why. I mean, I put in a very brief sex scene, but nothing that goes into all the details. That's just too much, I think. Plus, I'm not writing erotica or genre romance, so I see no reason for it. Sex tends to get thrown into every genre, just for shock value or the thrill. Hell, even sex is getting old these days just because it's everywhere.
Today I listened to a song that I haven't really paid much attention to since it came out in my senior year of high school. The song reminds me of when I went to a different school to take the SAT, which I had not studied for at all. I hate studying for standardized tests because the items that you do study are never on the test, and the items that you don't study are always on there. In my experience with standardized tests, one can never win. The most you can do is learn how to take those tests.
There was a thunderstorm last night -- a pretty vicious one. I was asleep at the ridiculously early time of midnight and was awakened by the loudest crack of thunder I have ever heard in my life. A great bolt of lightning sent a power surge through the house. My computer woke up and my clock radio started blinking because it had lost the time. I unplugged it, shut down my computer, and tried to get back to sleep. But lightning kept flashing on and off like a strobe light and I couldn't calm my mind. I kept thinking of tables.
My posts are getting featured for some odd reason. It's kinda funny to read back over them because those were the days when I could be a fairly amusing person.
On another note, I use a Bible verse as my signature on a forum that I visit. There are "contests" on this forum, and the judge of one of these contests is an atheist. I entered that contest and lost. The paranoid part of me thought it was because of my signature, but in the end, I don't really care. Not a life-or-death matter, so no biggie.
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