REPORT A PROBLEM
Now I have a ton of entries to write... beginning of the month phenomena at 100 Words, I suppose. I am trying to get back into writing, but it's difficult when I have a part-time job, and my other part-time job is finding a job that's better than my existing part-time job. I come home from work tired, and I finish my job search tired, and all I want is to read or play video games, so I don't write as much. Basically, I need to re-learn the fine art of time management all over again.
I don't pray as often as I should. Lately, it's been hard for me to find the words to communicate to God with. It's silly - he knows me through and through, yet at the same time I feel as though I can't "be myself" around him. My words seem unworthy to pour into his ears. It's easier to say a "Hail Mary" or an "Our Father" because those words have already been written for me. They sound holy. They've been tried and tested over the years. They work. My own words couldn't measure up. But it's the thought that counts.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am as intelligent as my college degree implies. I think what mainly got me through college wasn't intelligence, but hard work and the willingness to forego a social life in order to study and ace my tests. I didn't party during college. I didn't have that many friends. For almost half of it, I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't belong to that many clubs. I felt as though I belonged to my club at community college, but in real college, I didn't think my club liked me all that much for some reason.
Friday nights at work are insane. I keep thinking that I want to write a parody of Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" about the stuff that goes on at my workplace. Every time I come in on Saturday (I usually have the morning shift that day), the store is a wreck from all the chaos of Friday night, so the morning crew has to put it all back together again and make it look pretty for the rest of the weekend crowd. Saturday night isn't quite as bad as Friday night, but the madness still exists. I love my job.
My boyfriend went to a concert and he met the musicians in his favorite band. I'm really glad for him, but I thought what would happen if I had the chance to meet my favorite band or my favorite author. I wouldn't even want to meet them, lest I destroy the image of them I have in my head. I'd be too shy to meet them, for another. But I do tend to have a certain image of a person and if that image is ruined, I lose respect for them. So I suppose I'd prefer to live in ignorance.
I don't get it. I wouldn't want to live my life owing people money or thinking that other people will pay for my bills, my car, my mortgage, etc. Then why do some people think it's OK for others to pay their bills? I can understand if it's some kind of dire emergency; desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. But I want to accomplish things on my own, pay for things on my own. I wouldn't want anyone to pay for anything for me. I want to feel like what I own is all mine, no strings.
My boyfriend does not like my best friend, who is a guy. I am trying to figure out whether this is jealousy or simply the fact that he's being overprotective. My best friend has issues, but he's always been there for me. He has autism and he is quite misunderstood and his actions are often misinterpreted. I honestly don't think it's fair for my boyfriend to judge him without ever really meeting him, yet I fear the day they meet. I don't want there to be a fight or anything. It's just something that greatly bothers and upsets me.
It's tough to make a schedule. It's tough to manage time correctly. We all have the same amount of time, but our lives and the quality of our lives depend on how we use that time and the choices we make. I feel as though I have no time a lot of the time. Nothing good ever really happens when I feel rushed and do things spontaneously. I'm a planning type of person; I have to have a certain plan with specific dates and times. If that doesn't work, I can get kind of irritated at the lack of plans.
No double shift this week! It's amazing. First week in five months when I haven't had to work a double shift, but I'll probably have one next week. She's taking it easy on me this week for some strange reason that I'm not quite sure of.
Well, the marriage amendment passed in North Carolina yesterday. I will not say whether I think that's a good or a bad thing. People on Twitter were talking about it and it gave me a very good reason to unfollow a lot of them. Some places, you shouldn't talk about politics at all.
I have an 80s song stuck in my head and it's greatly amusing to me. All those 80s songs are so cheesy and overdramatic. OK, well maybe not all of them, but still. I think 90s music is a lot better, but that may have been because I grew up in the 90s and I'm biased. But to each his or her own.
A girl I work with got a tattoo. It made me think of body modification in general. I'd be scared to mark my body with something so permanent. I'd fear that I would regret my choice.
I am sick on my day off work and I do not feel like doing anything except sleeping all day, but I am still in front of my computer writing these 100 words. I have to write my blog post, write in my journal, run a bunch of errands, and go to the bank. I'm so sleepy, though. So very sleepy. Usually I would consider myself a pretty hyper person, but not when I'm sick. And I'm not even that sick; my muscles hurt and my throat is a bit sore, but that's it. I do have a fever, though.
Well, my affliction is relatively over with. I know I don't have a fever anymore, but my throat is sore and I am coughing up phlegm. Too much information, I know, but you don't have to read this. At any rate, I'm going to work. It's an all-day-long shift in which I am the only one of my kind, so I shall have all the customers to myself. Maybe it'll be slow today, or it'll be super busy. It was slow last week, so it might be busy this time. Oh, well. I'll have to wait and see.
It's fun to make other people laugh, even though it's not always that easy. That's why I like to be around people who aren't so serious all the time, and that know how to have fun. Yet at the same time, I don't want to be around people who are so silly that they can't take anything seriously. It's good to find a happy medium, even though there are times when we act too serious and times when we act too silly. It's part of being human, part of our natural imperfections. There is nothing else to be said, really.
Grrr... I hate having a cold and coughing and sneezing and wheezing. This is going to sound slightly infantile, but all this coughing and wheezing reminds me of Koffing and Weezing, two of the original 151 Pokemon.
When I was in seventh grade, I got obsessed with Pokemon. Everyone was talking about it and I wished I was into it, so I got into it, but by then everyone had grown out of it. I didn't care, so I stayed into it and I'm still into it. The fun of Pokemon will never die and it won't get old.
Some people are rather insane. The more I interact with the pubic and with humanity, the more I see that there are some people who cannot be taken seriously, just because of the crazy things they say. Some of them actually want to be taken seriously, and in that case, it's good to humor them. But others are just being crazy for the sake of being crazy - how they think someone is going to react to their behavior. Every human being has so many motivations for what they do that it's impossible for us to make an immediate judgment though.
Sex is powerful because, obviously, we need to further the human race. But now the world is supposedly becoming overpopulated (which is silly because there are enough resources to take care of everyone on the planet, they're just not distributed well enough), so why didn't sex drives lessen overtime, since we obviously don't need sex as much? It would be something like evolution. It might take longer than a few centuries.
Pardon me, I know that was random. But this is one of the places I like to talk about random things and not worry about being judged too harshly.
The inspector came to my work yesterday and I don't like him. Nobody does. Two of my managers proclaim he's an "asshole," because he'll smile at you and act friendly, but in reality, he's taking points off you for smiling back at him the wrong way. He gives sarcastic comments and breathes down your neck looking for any kind of flaw. He doesn't care about us - the people who work in the restaurant - at all. He cares about customer feedback. Most of the things that were wrong with the store were beyond the employees' control. It's the area manager's fault.
As an introvert, and a shy person, would it be better to avoid situations that make me uncomfortable, or would it be better to confront those situations? When I get around a lot of people I don't know, I clam up and refuse to talk. I get really upset - irrationally upset. Nobody understands this, so they ask me what's wrong or if something's bothering me. I don't like to tell them what's bothering me because I feel like I'd be insulting them. So I say nothing, and they keep nagging me to tell them. Just let me be alone, OK?
My new rationale: I'm human. I have human failings.
I know it's wrong to use that as an excuse. Yes, I am human, and I have human failings, but I also know right from wrong. I'm not an immoral person. I tend to ignore my intelligence and step into a lukewarm pool of ignorance when I am in certain situations. Then I tend to forget I have a soul, and I am a fully human animal. Humans are animals, yes, but they have been given higher powers of thought, and they have been given souls.
I have forsaken my soul.
I'm sick of infantile high school drama. I wish it would all just end. We're in our early twenties - and older. We should just get over it and grow up by now. If our friends are constantly dragging us into drama, then perhaps we need to reconsider our friendships and dump some old friends who had previously been good friends - at least until they start acting their age again. For now I'm staying out of the drama, and I won't get into it anymore. It's a waste of time and energy, and I have better things to spend time on.
I need to brush up on my style manuals. I know them already for the most part, but I need to understand the changes that have come in the new editions.
You know what someone once said to me? That I look so serious, I look like a banker or something. Not sure if that's a compliment or not, but yeah, I can look pretty serious. Someone else said that I looked so serious I was scaring them. When I get nervous, I get serious, usually because in the back of my head, I'm over-analyzing every little thing.
Everyone is a hypocrite. Christians are especially accused of being hypocrites. The lifestyle they profess is quite difficult, and it's a definite moral challenge, especially when the views of society push against the morals Christians believe in. Even though Christians are sinners, like all people, they ought to pick themselves up and learn from their sins, not repeat them, and try their hardest to move on and do better. That would prevent the image of hypocrisy. I'm a Christian. I sin all the time. I try my best to beat down my own faults and try harder, although I fail.
I'm so agitated and uptight about this new job I'm starting next week. I'm not good with new situations in general; I prefer to stick to the old and familiar, but obviously, change has to happen sometimes, and this is a very positive change for me.
Change in general is very good so we don't get stuck in our old ways; we can become rigid and unyielding if that happens. It's good to be unyielding about some things, like our personal beliefs, but at the same time, it's good to be somewhat yielding so we can see others' views.
It is not a personal insult when I say I want some alone time. It just needs that I'm an introvert, and I need to, well... introvert. Let me be by myself and recharge otherwise I'll be very unhappy.
Some people make me feel uncomfortable because they're so open and extroverted. I couldn't live with people walking in and out of my house every day. I couldn't live with having friends over every weekend. I would feel very uncomfortable, like I wasn't allowed in my own house.
Basically, people need to back off and leave me alone sometimes.
There's this guy I work with whose work ethic puts all the rest of us to shame. He was in the hospital for dehydration, but he ripped the tube out of his arm and said he was going to work, and so he went for a few hours, but the manager sent him home. He came back the next day, feeling better.
That's crazy work ethic, right there. My managers and coworkers all agreed that he'd make some lucky girl a great husband one day. Honestly, I wish my "fiance" had the same type of work ethic as him.
I had a revelation this morning. It's something that's been coming to my attention for a while now, but it's only fully coalesced this morning. It's about religion and truth and about how I need to rely on God as my only source of strength. Strength cannot come from myself, approval from others, accomplishments or anything of this world. It has to come from God, and I need to rely on God always - when I'm feeling down or when everything's good. I can't forget he's there because he has never forgotten me. I'm wearing my ring again. I'll do better.
Even though I complained about my job on numerous occasions, I'm going to miss it when I start my new job on Tuesday. The two are going to be completely different from each other, and thus, there will be very little basis of comparison between them. I guess I'll just see what happens. The best part about my new job isn't really the increased pay - it's the fact that I'll actually have a set work schedule, not one that changes every week. I'll be able to get back into a routine and plan like I used to. I missed that.
Don't ever try to self-diagnose on the Internet, or you will find out that you are dying from something that's probably nothing more than a 24-hour virus. The Internet will make you paranoid, based on everything you hear. Most of what's on the Internet is not true, and that goes for what you find on people's Facebook pages and other things like that. They post lies to make themselves look good or more popular, and they do it because they have low self-esteem. Facebook is not all truth, although it may seem that way at times.
It's so emotional starting a new job right after leaving the old one. Maybe I get overemotional about these things, but that's the way it's been feeling to me. Too emotional. I cried for a long time when I got home. The two jobs are so different and it's hard for me to adjust. But then again, it's only my first day, so things might get better. Well, scratch that. I know they'll get better. It's just a first day. Things always get better after the first day. I know they did at my old job. I miss that job.
I think I'm actually going to make it in this new job. I really think I will. But I think I'll be a lot busier tomorrow, so I'll have to see what that holds for me. Who knows what tomorrow brings... I think that's some kind of cheesy song. On the way back home, I was listening to Gothic industrial music, thinking that if I played it loud enough, I could blow all the other cars out of my way. Rush hour where I live is ridiculous. You have to have a strategy about when you leave in the morning.
Today's the last day of May. This crazy month rushed right on past, and June will only be crazier. In a way, I'll be glad to move into another month, but I feel as though I didn't do all that I wanted to accomplish in May. I did accomplish my first and most important new year resolution in May, though. Get a job. A full-time, white collar job. I desperately miss my blue collar job, although I'm sure those feelings will fade in time. I just have to get used to the transition. I don't do well with those.
The Tip Jar