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Dreams can remind you of your deepest desires and let you know what you truly want. I had a dream last night like that. When I woke up, I knew what I wanted... but I don't think it will ever come true in real life. It's just so odd. I woke up knowing that I wanted that particular thing (or situation) more than I wanted anything else in my whole life - but I'm not sure if life will line up in the direction so that I get what I want.
That all remains to be seen in the future...
NaNoWriMo is going pretty well so far. I'm pleased. I got more words in this year's first day than I have in years past, so that makes me happy. I'm one of those writers who has to have an outline. I can't write by the seat of my pants or else crazy things will start happening in the story. I know the first draft is supposed to be crappy, but I don't like it when things are not logical in my story and when I don't really know what's going next. My characters end up walking around like confused zombies.
The holiday season has begun. The day after Halloween is the day when all the Christmas stuff comes out in the stores, Christmas music starts being played constantly, and people start going crazy buying things. It's like they skipped over Thanksgiving... but that stuff started coming out in stores way before Halloween.
I can't stand the materialistic culture we live in. There are few things we buy that we actually need. We have closets full of clothes, but nothing to wear. We have refrigerators of food, but nothing to eat, so we go out.
It makes no sense.
I'm moving on. I'm doing what I like with my story and it's getting done in the way I want to see it done. I have the power to make it the best it can be and nothing is going to stand in the way of that.
I can't believe it's already Friday. This week seems to have zoomed on so fast. Luckily, I have Saturday off from work so I can spend time with my best friend for his birthday.
What's really unfair is that people I work with seem to exclude me. But what can you do?
It is your job to filter out the people in your life who are causing you problems or who are lowering your self-esteem. Nothing says you have to hang around these people or waste your time with them. They may be family members and you may have permanent bonds to them, but the least you can do is remain civil. You don't have to try and be their best friend or change them. Changing people never works unless that person specifically wants to change and is willing to put in the work and effort required to make that change.
Don't be afraid of me. I'm not as vicious as I seem. I'm willing to make this work again. I'm not going to bite your head off when you say something I disagree with. I'm much more open-minded than I was in the past and I will listen thoughtfully to what you say. Really. I'm not a horrible person, no matter who has been telling you that. I don't care if the President of the United States told you that. I know me and I know I'm a good person. I am willing to try again if you are.
I keep having the strangest dreams and waking up in a state of confusion, probably because these dreams are about me dating an older guy. I've never really dated guys older than me, mostly because I look too young for them to approach, even though I'm over 21. In a way, I don't think I'd be or act mature enough for an older guy - even a guy just five years older. I've mostly dated younger guys, even a guy who was two years younger. That was fine because it meant I could act silly around them - like my normal self.
There are certain people I wish I could stop dreaming about before I go insane. Seriously. I never see these people in real life. I could never contact them without sounding exceedingly weird, especially since I'm really out of the loop - I don't have Facebook. It seems that people are very hesitant to contact you if you don't have Facebook or if you don't have a cell phone or if you don't use instant messaging software. The shallowness of people bothers me. They don't want to call the house phone because they might have to talk to some other person.
I hope it snows a lot this season. I know I'd have to go to work regardless of whether it snowed or not, but it would just be nice to have it get that cold and have the snow come down and seal everyone in their houses for a day or two. There aren't that many snow plows where I live, since it snows so rarely there. But when it does snow, it ices. And there is quite a lot of ice, which takes a long time to melt and is hazardous and slippery. So the ice part isn't fun.
For some reason, my back hurts like someone punched me in the side. Weird. But I don't really know why it hurts like that. Maybe I slept in an odd position last night. Sometimes that happens to me a lot. I crunch myself up in awkward, uncomfortable positions then wonder why I'm in pain when I wake up. One time, my ankle was twisted at an odd angle and when I woke up, I could barely move it at all. Why does my body contort itself in such strange shapes? The dreams I'm having must be pretty disturbing, I suppose.
First impressions are the most important. Often, when you're a child, your first impression of something is the impression you'll have for the rest of your life. Say for instance, you have a bad experience with roller coasters as a kid. Then you might hate them for the rest of your life, unless you actively decide to face your fears and ride one again. It's the same with certain types of food - if you were always fed peanut butter sandwiches when you came home from school, then you might grow up hating peanut butter since that was all you had.
I'm going to keep going. (I also realized that I spelled the word "going" like "gong" by accident.) "At the sound of the gong, I will keep going!"
That was random. But the point of this post is that I'm not going to give up in anything I set my mind to have success in. That includes writing, my job, and my personal life. I seek to improve myself in all areas, so that one day I can stand in front of God and tell him that I did my best and tried hard with what he gave me.
I wonder if Jesus would be a conservative or a liberal if he was around today. I hear arguments on both sides of the issue, but I'm not sure what I agree with.
I think that, because the Bible and the founding documents of the United States are so old, that people will misinterpret them more as time goes on, since we have become more and more removed from that way of thinking and the frame of mind that those who wrote those documents were in.
I may be completely wrong about that. But it is definitely an interesting theory.
I keep dreaming about how things used to be, as if I could bring them back and have them be that way again. I doubt I ever could. As much as I miss those thoughtless days where we did nothing but lie in each others' arms, I am glad I will never go back to them. I always felt unfulfilled, unaccomplished, like I was wasting my time with a person who would never do what he said he would. I loved him and I showed him that with everything I had. He told me he loved me, didn't show me.
It's halfway through the month! I can't wait for Thanksgiving because I am guaranteed that day off work. That makes me pretty happy. There's something that's been bothering me and it's my jealousy of girls. I don't even know why I'm jealous half the time. Most of the time I don't even want what they have. It's just like I'm jealous on principle or something. Perhaps because they are girls. I know that makes no sense, but it's another one of those things I'm trying to overcome. And I will be grateful for a job that helps me to overcome.
My heart is broken, but just slightly. I don't like having a crush anymore because it's just not as fun as it was in the past. Today, I have a crush and he ends up with some other girl. I know I'm a fairly boring person. I don't have much to contribute to conversations. But I'm loving and caring and sweet. I'll always listen when you have problems and support you no matter what you do in life (within reason). But I don't think guys really understand the difference between someone who will use them and someone who'll love them.
There are some things that you shouldn't go to every year. The State Fair is good to go to every five years, because going every year gets expensive and repetitive. Same thing with Christmas light displays and haunted houses... things like that. It's good to go about every other year or so. But on the other hand, going every year can be like a tradition. I don't know, but the best traditions for me are going to church and perhaps singing Christmas carols while decorating the tree. Simple stuff that you can share with your family, not tons of others.
I dreamed about a guy I thought I cared about, but I lost. I didn't have the energy to care about him. I was just coming out of a long relationship and he was there, but I didn't have the energy to get into a new relationship. I don't think he fully understood that. So we drifted away from each other, then found each other through the ether of the Internet, then drifted away again.
There may come a time when I find him again, but I doubt I could ever have a relationship with him again. Way too weird.
I dreamed about an old friend last night. I never dream about this person anymore, but this time he came back to me like he had never left. I miss him. I really hate to say it, but I still miss him. It's been five years since I've seen him. I don't know why we never kept in touch. Maybe because I'd rather miss someone, yearn for them, and torture myself over them than keep in touch. I like the mystery of who they are and what they're doing right now to fill my head. I want to have dreams.
I'm in a general state of emotional confusion. A big part of me thinks I will be alone forever, so I am gradually withdrawing from the world. But another part of me is coming out into the world, but not in an attempt to really connect with others.
It makes no sense, so I suppose that's why I am confused. On one hand, I'd really like to connect with others, but on the other hand, I'm happier by myself, not getting in anyone's way and not bothering anyone.
A lot of the time, I feel like wallpaper.
Another Monday and the week of Thanksgiving. I'm happy that there's a holiday this week, but it also brings to mind that Christmas is coming soon. I'm excited about Christmas, but at the same time, I don't particularly care for the materialism of the holiday season. Everyone is so focused on getting the biggest deals and shopping until they drop. We no longer hold Christmas as very sacred. Christ is truly the reason for the season and we ought to respect that. But I'm getting ahead of myself. On Thanksgiving, we shall eat Tom Turkey and lots of cranberry sauce!
You know what I realized? This might sound selfish, but I don't want a boyfriend. I just want someone to hold me. Someone's chest I can rest my head on and someone's heart I can hear beating. Someone I can fold myself into, shut my eyes, and sleep near. But it is likely that this person would want more, or less. It is likely that this ideal cuddle partner does not exist. I know a lot of people I would like to cuddle with, but I don't know if they'd want to cuddle with me.
What a strange situation.
I think it's great when you read a book and you don't think you're going to like it that much, and it turns out to be one of the better books you've read all year. That's what's happened to me right now and it's making me happy. The book reminds me a little of Harry Potter - with the three teenagers going on epic adventures and stuff, but it's also a little historical. It's nice hearing about people from the past - before there were computers and cell phones and all this other nonsense.
My reading experience has made me happy.
It's Thanksgiving and I am so happy to have a day off work, even though I didn't sleep that well last night. Stuff that happened in real life kept playing over and over in my head. There's a guy I have a crush on and I wish he'd ask me out - just us, one on one, instead of going to some party and getting drunk. One of these days, maybe I will ask him out, but I've never done that before, so it would probably end up awkward and he'd have to tell all his guy friends about my awkwardness.
Today is that infamous day of retail madness, Black Friday. I'm not going to buy a thing today - either online or in a physical store. All the materialism and consumerism of today's throwaway culture makes me sick. I have never been more disgusted with society than I am when I hear about people getting trampled in the frantic race to get to the best-priced items before everyone else. If that's not the work of the devil and the sin of greed, I don't know what is. We should all get three presents for Christmas, like baby Jesus did.
There's a party I'm glad I didn't go to or I would have been witness to some epic debauchery. I don't drink at all and I don't understand people who drink to get drunk. What's the point of good times if you pass out and don't remember them? I wish someone would explain this phenomenon to me, because I'd really like to understand this a little bit better.
But a cute guy invited me to the party. I'm waiting for him to invite me out one on one, but that may never happen. Oh well, what can you do?
I got a new tidbit of backstory for one of my characters. This is exciting. And I got a good review at work the other day. But on a random note, it's still too early for Christmas music. I don't like to listen to it until December 1 - the day I put up the tree and decorate the house. I'm excited to see what this holiday season brings and to start making plans for the new year. I'm one of those people who likes to plan ahead. If you ask me somewhere on short notice, I'm not likely to go.
I'm growing out my hair. I'm not sure how long I want it to get to, but I remember that when I was a little kid, I hated my long hair and wanted it short. I also remember wanting bangs back then, and I had bangs from the time I was eight until I was about 17, then I started growing my bangs out and my forehead cleared up of zits. I've never dyed my hair and I don't particularly want to. I like my natural color very much - and others like it. But they wish I'd cut my hair.
November is almost over, and the weird thing is, it's been warmer than October for most of the month. I want to see some snow this winter - even if I still have to go to work, I won't care. I just want to see snow. It looks pretty and for once, there won't be millions of cars on the road.
People frustrate me. They are a lot like sheep without a shepherd. I think the biblical analogy is so right, especially these days when we all flock to certain things that are really no good for us - like sheep.
I can't believe November is already over. In a way, I feel like this month has dragged on and on and I've only been waiting for it to end. Why, I can't say, but I'm glad December is right around the corner.
It is hard to walk the line between confidence and arrogance. I lack confidence and when people tell me to be more confident, I act more confident, but then they tell me I'm arrogant. Come on now - which is it? I hate to act arrogant because I have no reason to be arrogant. It is very strange.
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