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Another month, another batch. So many days I've logged in here and thought that I was repeating myself or saying the same thing over and over again for the past four years. I've been writing batches for four years now. That's still so hard for me to believe.
I hope I've changed in the past four years. Changed for the better. I hate backsliding more than anything else. I want to make progress and as far as I'm concerned, I've made a bit of progress, but I'm still backsliding in some other areas. Oh, well. I'll work on it.
I keep having dreams about this strange school that's a mixture of my old high school and my old elementary school. It looks exactly the same in every dream I have. It's so clear I could almost draw the floor plan (if I even knew how to draw them anymore) right now. Maybe it'll end up as a setting in one of my stories, but for now... it shall remain that weird school-ish place in my dreams.
June is OK so far. I've never been a big fan of the month, especially as it's as hot as August now.
It's my birthday. I'm 23 now. (That feels so ancient...) But I still barely look older than the seventh graders I taught at Sunday school. I suppose that's a good thing, although when you look very young, it's hard to be taken seriously. I supposedly look my age when I wear makeup, but I hate wearing makeup. All that hassle... and who really cares? I only wear it for job interviews and sometimes church - and even then, it's only a tiny bit. A nearly invisible line of eyeliner on my bottom lid, then a single coat of mascara. That's all.
Sometimes it annoys me to listen to people who talk a lot, but other times, it's interesting. It makes you wonder why they talk so much. Do they really have a lot to say or are they just talking for the sake of talking? Are they horribly lonely?
On a side note, I turned 23 yesterday. Man, I feel old. All I can hope for is that I keep getting more mature and keep learning from my mistakes so that I know not to make the same ones again. I am going to put forth a huge effort now.
It's hard to put the past behind you because there's just so much of it. (And the past only gets bigger - and perhaps more formidable - the more you age.) It's difficult to see the future because so many things are beyond our control. It's difficult to enjoy the present because it's here one moment and gone the next. The past is like a soft cushion of predictability. We know what happened in the past and that's why it feels safe to wander around in it and think "This could have happened, this might have happened..."
But it's not safe.
You wanna know what I hate? I hate headaches. You know the ones that pulsate every time you change position? For me, they're mostly brought on by tension or hormones or too much sunlight. Loud noise can do it, too. Ibuprofen sometimes makes them better, sometimes doesn't.
Tylenol doesn't work. It has never worked for me and I'm not sure why. Midol doesn't work either. I think they both contain acetaminophen, so that may be what it is. I have no clue why I'm talking about headaches right now - or pain medication. It is a pretty depressing topic.
I've always been somewhat of a tomboy. I don't like wearing makeup that much at all. Whenever all the guys at school would play basketball or dodgeball or anything like that, I'd join in, even though the other girls were sitting along the sidelines wimping out. Even in community college, when we were playing flag football, I was participating pretty well. The other girls squealed as if in pain every time the ball went past them.
I've never enjoyed shopping. I get what I need, then get out as fast as I can. It's just plain irksome to me.
Sometimes we wish we could go back into the past and change certain things. If we don't control that wish, it could turn into a dangerous obsession. I think that one day, a machine will be invented that will allow us to go back into the past and change things. Obviously, that would affect the present and the future as well, so we'd have to be careful of what we change.
Maybe right now is just some kind of fabrication that someone from the future caused. Who knows? Only time will tell.
I read way too many books.
With every step, it will get easier. Life is not about the end, but the journey it takes you to get to that end. So enjoy the journey. Don't try and rush through life because it's over so fast. Write down important memories so that they will not fade with time.
Speaking of that last line, it makes me think of 6th grade. From 7th to 12th grades, I wrote journals of my life and they are absolutely hysterical. But I wish I had written journals of 6th grade - that feels like it was the beginning. Now it is lost.
Wait for what you truly want - even though you don't know how long that wait may be - or take second (or even third, fourth, fifth, or sixth) best?
This is becoming a very important question for me. I realized that I often don't have the patience to wait for what I truly want, so I choose what is in front of me, even though that may not be the best option.
But what if what I truly want doesn't come at all? That was my biggest question in those days.
The answer: God willing, it will come.
I have never had a drink of alcohol in my life unless you count wine at communion during church, and I don't think that counts. So does that make me a prude? I have never smoked a cigarette or done drugs of any kind. Does that make me a prude?
I have never gotten a tattoo and have no desire for one. I have my ears pierced, but I'm letting the holes close. I'm not really interested in body modification. I'm done with that. Does that make me a prude?
So please stop calling me a prude.
The things I feel most strongly about
are not here.
I use the word "thing" too much and that is bad
because it is imprecise.
When I do not recall a name,
I call whatever it is
out of laziness,
reluctance to get to a dictionary
(or Google. These days you can
and look up just one word.
But if I cannot recall the word,
how can I search for it?
I know that online, there is a such thing as the reverse dictionary, but I strangely forget it's there, so I don't remember to use it.
I gave myself an assignment and I have to complete my assignment. It's as simple and as complicated as that.
^ That was the last thought that ran through my head and I wrote it down for some odd reason.
I had a dream last night about a guy I knew in college. He's really tall in real life, and in the dream, he was even taller. That's a usual aspect of my dreams; tall people being even taller. Or else I got shorter in the dream. I never thought of it like that.
But it was a good dream.
I don't have very much to say right now. I could wait until later in the day to write these 100 words, but at that time, I'd probably forget to log back in. I am most active in the morning and afternoon, yet I fall apart at night.
Back in college, I used to fall apart in the afternoon and come back alive at night. I know, that sounds like I used to party like a madwoman, but I was never into parties. Those were just the times I felt the most inspired and most likely to finish things.
So now they're going to have smaller versions of Wal-Mart scattered all over the US. Great. More Wal-Marts. Just what we need. As convenient as Wal-Mart is, I still don't like going there. It's just a hub of insanity.
Every time I get on the "speedy check-out" lane, it always slows down. I get behind someone with one item who wants to complain about the price. Or I get behind someone who takes ages to write a check.
But I'm a fairly patient person, so I just stand there smiling as they conduct business.
Everyone agrees that having a positive attitude is the key to success. But it's not easy to get into the habit of positive thinking. I've learned that nothing worth having is gained easily. The easy path is not necessarily the best one. The quick path is not necessarily best, either. Sometimes the only way is to take the long, slow, difficult path to get what you want. That requires patience and a positive attitude. I consider myself a fairly patient person, and I am beginning to work on my attitude, so this is quite important.
Easiest isn't best.
I now have "California King Bed" stuck in my head. Grr... I should stop listening to the Top 40 radio stations.
The funny thing is, I never listened to Top 40 a lot before. I always listened to the local rock station, but now the songs they play can hardly be classified as rock music. And when they do play a good rock song, it's always one that they've played a million times before. Plus, they have a commercial after every two songs. Just plain irritating. So I switched to Top 40, but still switch when a commercial starts.
Once again, I find myself with nothing to write about. I could write about how much hackers, traffic, and other annoyances of life irritate me, but I hate being so negative.
My goal is to become a more positive person. I doubt I'll ever become one of those people who bounces around in sheer joy of life or who spits out rainbows with every word they speak, but I can smile more.
Supposedly smiling uses less muscles than frowning. I tried to smile for a long time about a week ago. My face hurt. My face needs exercise.
June is a rather odd month. It flies by so quickly that somewhere during the middle of the month, I forget what day it is. Nothing exciting happens in June. It's the one "neutral month" out of the entire calendar.
The same could be said for July, but a few interesting things have happened in Julies past. (Wow, that word looks funny in plural and I'm honestly not even sure if that's the correct usage. Oh, well.)
Then in August, everything starts back up. School.
It's funny that school is still everything to me.
It shouldn't be.
I had a professor in high school who would notice when his students were feeling apathetic and upset over something, whether it was exams or girlfriend/boyfriend problems... anything. He would tell us all to get up and stretch and yell out, "ENTHUSIASM!" at the top of our lungs. It did make us feel better, oddly enough.
That's what I'm going to think of today when I get less-than-enthusiastic about something. My teacher (who had to have been in his 60s) yelling "ENTHUSIASM" right there with us.
Ah, high school. So many interesting times were had.
Another day. What can I do to make it different from the days that have gone before it? How long should I wait for something interesting to happen? How do I go out and make something interesting happen? What do I have to to do? Without a prescribed plan with steps, I find myself lost.
I need someone to take my hand and guide me. But first, I must ask God what it is he wants me to do. I'm sure he would want me to strike out on my own and just DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT for once.
You wanna know something scary? Sometimes I feel like I know my characters better than I know myself. It's disturbing because I'm at the stage of my life where I should be figuring out where my life is going to go. I need to stop "benchmarking" myself and trying to determine where I "should be" or "ought to be" at my age or whatever. At least with characters, you can make their lives sufficiently crazy or unrealistic (within reason) and you won't get questioned as much. But if it's you who's got the crazy life... it's like, "Get in line!"
I don't like when the sky is cloudy early in the morning. I'd rather it be bright and sunny because too many clouds can make you feel quite miserable. If it had to rain, I'd say it should rain only at night so we can hear those soothing sounds, then in the morning, the sun would come out and shine brightly.
But alas, real life doesn't quite work that way. Despite the cloudy sky, I shall be happy and achieve my goals for the day. Luckily, none of them involves me going out. That is an adventure for another day.
I would type my entire to-do list here just to get myself organized, but I'm really not going to do that today. I don't want everyone online knowing my personal business. I'm past those days of emo angst (I hope).
I hope I can survive until Saturday without a neural breakdown. So far I've been doing pretty good.
Happy thoughts: Pottermore! Revising XIII is recharging me! Pearl is carrying her purple toy around! Starbucks on Monday! VBS on Sunday! I got paid! Smashing Pumpkins shirt! Work! Evanescence in October! Books! The Archives! My blog!
I think that's enough.
Not everyone is going to like you. It's a fact of life. You can be the kindest, sweetest, and most loving person and not everyone will like you or even want to like you.
But that's their problem. Not yours. So you have to keep on keeping on and not try to please everyone.
Be a great person to everyone, but if someone chooses not to like you, that's their choice.
It's a hard thing to realize, especially after you have spent so much time with a person and it turns out to be all in vain.
What are you afraid of? Do you let your fears get in the way of the person you want to be?
Wow - that sounded like the start of a badly written self-help book. I'll stop right there. But anyway... I've been thinking about fear and exactly what I'm afraid of and why.
There is no reason why. The fear is totally irrational, which means it should be easily cured, right? No. I think a logical fear would probably be more easily taken care of because there are logical steps that can be taken to stop the fear.
I enjoy reading YouTube comments sometimes because it's funny to see people get all worked up over stupid stuff. So what if you like one band and someone else hates that band? That doesn't mean you have to curse them out.
Sometimes I think people start YouTube arguments because they're hopelessly bored and have nothing better to do with their time.
It's an opinion. And it's not a matter of life or death, so let it go. Not everyone on earth is going to like and dislike the same things. Chill. Enjoy what you enjoy and don't pick fights.
It's nice when potential employers actually send you an email telling you that you didn't get the job or the interview, rather than keeping you waiting. When it's not an automated response, I always thank them for responding.
And as for those who don't follow up - really. How long does it take to send a 2-line email? At the very least, send a form email. It doesn't take long and it will help out the job seeker.
But this is real life. Nobody cares about you. You have to fend for yourself. And that's a challenge.
Some days I feel really down. Like there is no end in sight. I try to stay positive as much as I can, but I can't help thinking that maybe I went down the wrong road and it's too late to turn back around and start off in another direction.
This mood might be caused by the weather outside. Yes, it's raining for the first time in weeks, but it's depressing and dreary rain. (What rain isn't?) I should be thanking God for the rain, but instead I'm feeling sad.
Something will turn around. I will have faith.
My computer broke yesterday, and I completely forgot to write my 100 words. Now I have my brother's old computer, which used to be a Quake server at one point in its life. This thing is huge. It's got a 700-GB hard drive and a very loud fan.
I don't need such a huge fan or hard drive because I don't plan on playing any games. I don't think I've played a first person shooter game in probably over three years. I would like to play, but I'd constantly feel guilty because I'm not getting work done.
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