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It's April and no one's going to make my April this year. I'm going to make it myself. It's going to happen. Definitely. I'll be stronger than I was for the past two Aprils. I'm going to prove to myself that I can do things nobody thought I could do.
I have what I've learned from the past. I have valuable experience. I can make things work for me.
And if nothing works, I will have the satisfaction of knowing I tried my hardest to make something happen. That's more than I can say for previous years of my life.
The only way to kill it once and for all is not to drive a stake through its heart. It's not like a video game boss who can be destroyed with one well-placed hit. It's like a boss who takes multiple hits, who has to be destroyed over and over again, because it will rise up again like a zombie unless you keep on destroying it. Bring its hit points down into the red zone. Keep chopping at it! Keep cutting those hit points down until it says zero and the zombie can no longer rise.
Destroy your faults.
You know those mornings when you wake up and you haven't the faintest idea of what day of the week it is? I woke up today and could have sworn it was Saturday. Oh, Saturday... I can sleep in - nope, wait - it's Sunday and I have to get up.
I don't mind waking up early, just as long as I can get enough sleep the night before. It's a rare day when I sleep past 7:30 or go to bed past 11:00.
Maybe I'm just odd. But I value my sleep. Don't you dare interfere with my sleep!
Today is the anniversary of the day when Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. I admire MLK. He was one of the bravest figures in history. He's done so much for civil rights - and human rights in general. A very eloquent man.
Today is also the birthday of one of my old roommates. She's going to be 23. I miss her. College is fun - living with and getting to know total strangers, doing all kinds of crazy things, writing papers (well, I thought that was fun because I'm a dork), so... everyone, go to college if it's right for you.
Hmm... I have nothing to write about today. Weird. I can't think of a single thing to write about that I haven't already touched on. Maybe I'll just do like we used to do in seventh grade creative writing class and write "I'm stuck" over and over again until I become unstuck. But that's boring. Nobody wants to read that. That's like running out of things to say and saying "I'm stuck" over and over again. People will want to slap you. On another topic, I wish we could all keep our childish innocence. Innocence is lacking in this world.
I'm still stuck. There's nothing in the world I can think of writing about. You know, I'm going to write about those little umbrellas. You remember those little paper umbrellas they put in your drink at Japanese steakhouses. They come in all different colors and they open and close just like real umbrellas. I miss those - I used to play with them when I was a kid and I haven't seen them in ages. I don't even think they give them to you at the Japanese steakhouses anymore... but it's been a while since I've been to a Japanese steakhouse.
I had a strange dream that I was playing the flute. In real life, I can't play any instruments to save my life, so that was quite odd. I would like to learn how to play an instrument, though. It would be nice to have another hobby, something else I could say I could do. I wish I could draw as well. Even my stick figures come out looking terrible. I know that's nearly a cliche, but it's one of those sad-but-true ones. I'd like to start another creative endeavor besides writing. Not that I'm bored of writing!
If God could make magical, exciting things happen in my life two years ago, he can do it today. But am I really helping? Am I making my own destiny? I hate feeling like I'm sitting around and waiting for things to happen. When can I start making life happen for me? When is God going to help me again?
God helps those who help themselves...
I still feel like I need a permission slip to do anything. You know, those green permission slips called money. I want to go to New York City, I want to do so much...
My cousin got married on the 8th. I'm very happy for her and wish her all the best. Marriage is such a huge commitment; I wonder if she's a little scared or nervous about it. I hope she and her new husband have everything (or as much as possible) planned out about their lives together. I wonder if I'll be getting any new little second cousins soon. I wonder if they plan on having any pets. Maybe I'll get to meet her husband soon. (They eloped and went on a cruise.) No matter what, I hope he treats her right.
Thunderstorms. The past two nights there have been big thunderstorms. An enormous lightning bolt, the width of a tree trunk, crashed down in front of our house, then just a split second after, came the crash of thunder. My dog freaked out. Even my cat, who is usually so calm, jumped from where he lay on my bed. My eyes shot open and stared into darkness, not totally comprehending whether the crash had been real or a dream. There was another large clap of thunder after that, but it was nowhere near as loud as the previous one. I slept.
Everything's made in China. Just about everything. You can't avoid buying things made in China. Well, I bet you could, but it would be difficult. I was listening to Donald Trump being interviewed by that Piers guy from American Idol and Trump was complaining about the Chinese. The Chinese are supposedly going to overtake America in terms of economic production. I think Trump was advising a tax on everything that's imported from China. Buy only products made in the United States. We have to get back to being a strong country. The world is laughing at us, so Trump says.
It's Beverly Cleary's 95th birthday and -gasp- I had no idea she was still alive. When I was a kid, she was one of my favorite authors. I also enjoyed Louis Sachar. There are a few others, but I can't think of them now. I used to read books over and over again when I was a little kid. Literally - I would read the same book ten times or more. I think I was a bit afraid of change and reading new books, but I got over that. Now I don't like reading the same book over and over again.
It might be meant to be this way. I still believe that everything has a purpose. There is reason behind every tiny event that happens in the universe. It's like the ripple effect when you throw a pebble into a pond. Just that one tiny pebble extends its ripples all the way out to the "shores" of the pond. If you kill a butterfly in the United States, who knows what might happen in Africa? If you accidentally shove someone down in the streets of New York City, what happens on a school bus in North Carolina?
It's all connected.
I had a dream last night where I was jumping off buildings, but not falling. I was half-floating and half-flying. Every time I started to sink and fall a little, I would somehow buoy myself back up. It was kind of astounding, actually. I love it when I have dreams like that; it's better than having dreams about creepy guys coming after me with mops and broom handles. But I was rudely awakened by the cat yowling in my ear for his breakfast and my dog running around the room panting. Animals never allow you to sleep late.
Well, it's tax day again, but I believe the actual deadline is April 18 this year. I'm glad I didn't procrastinate. I wonder how many are out there who are still scrambling to get their things together. Procrastination is the devil's instrument, it surely is. Today would be the perfect day to take a walk around my neighborhood and slow down and enjoy all the flowers and fresh air. Today is definitely not a day to be stuck inside doing taxes or sitting at a computer. It's strange how we're all so dependent on computers and technology these days. Hmm...
I have nothing to write. I had a dream about an old friend, probably because I was thinking about a lot of old friends yesterday. Friends come and go, but memories last forever, so make sure you have a lot of good memories. I do. I have so many good memories that they overshadow the bad.
I'm not the best friend in the world. I'm too much of a loner to be a good friend. But it is always worth it to keep trying and keep being friendly to people, even though you may not become the best of friends.
When you teach kids, you really do learn more than they do. It's amazing how that works. I really would like to go back to school and be a teacher, but I still don't think I have quite the right temperament for it. I'm patient and I'm not quick to anger, but I think I might be a bit too lax in the classroom and not discipline enough, even if it's warranted. There has to be discipline and order in a classroom before learning takes place - if there's not, then the class becomes a free-for-all. Learning is great.
On the subject of food... I'm not a steak-and-potatoes kind of person. I'm not a vegetarian either. I'm a pasta-and-fish kind of person. (And I never used to care for fish...) Chicken is great, too. Pork is OK. But giving up bacon would be very difficult...
I could be a vegetarian. I like the majority of vegan things more than meat. Couscous! Soy! There are others. I'm not sure if I could do without fish or eggs or milk, though. It might be a good experiment to try - being totally vegan for a week or so.
According to my calendar, Passover begins today. One of these days, I'd like to go to a Jewish temple. Other religions interest me. I always like to know what people believe and why they believe it.
People are endlessly fascinating creatures. Every person is vastly different, yet we are all basically the same. We have the same basic needs, but our wants can also be completely different.
Two 22-year-old girls (women?) can be from the same culture, have the same religion, be essentially the same, yet... are so different. Is it nature? Nurture? A little bit of both?
Every time, I chose April 20. Not because it's supposedly National Marijuana Day. I have never smoked pot in my life, nor would I want to.
But I chose April 20. It is truly spring (although today it feels a bit more like summer), the sun is out, and I can hear the birds.
I chose April 20 because it is the day of tragedies, the day of childhood outings on a bare green soccer field. April 20 was the day I looked into the woods and understood the beauty of nature and all that is natural.
Human nature, too.
I feel freshly motivated today. I have measurable daily goals and I shall achieve them without complaint, hesitation, or procrastination. Tomorrow is Good Friday and I will more than likely have a crying fit in church, as I do every year. There is no Mass on Saturday. I shall rise early and go to church on Easter Sunday with much joy because it is my favorite holiday, Lent is over, and Jesus Christ will have risen once again.
It's the simple things in life that make me really happy. I don't need big, elaborate things. The little things matter most.
Happy Earth Day!
On Earth Day, we resolve to take care of the earth and preserve it for future generations. Reduce, reuse, and recycle! Enjoy and preserve Earth!
Happy Good Friday! (That sounds pretty weird.)
All in all, Good Friday is a happy day for Christians. Although Jesus died, if we have faith, we know that he will rise again. Good Friday represents the dying of sin and the rising of our new life in Christ. Around Easter time we make a special commitment to die to our earthly sins and to rise with Christ and be more like him.
I don't know what possessed me to dream of you. It has been nearly two years since I've seen you. We only met a few times. You probably didn't consider me memorable, but then, it was you who reached out to me and spoke to me.
You made me laugh with your jokes about the liberal media and couscous and peaches that were really ice cream. I think I could have loved you and your silly ways, but we did not see each other often.
I dreamed of you and I think highly of you. I won't say your name.
It's finally Easter! I really have nothing more to say except that it's nice to have a sunny, warm Easter. Good Friday was appropriately cold and dreary. Spring is honestly the most bipolar season. It goes from hot to cold and back again.
I have absolutely nothing to write about again. I really hate writing about my personal life and I won't bore you with that...
My church was going to have an Easter egg hunt for the little kids, but they lost the eggs. Luckily, they turned up before Mass was over. My priest said, "Let the children rejoice!"
Lately I've been thinking what it would have been like if I had chosen to major in animal science in college and done the pre-vet program instead of English.
(The reason I shied away from animal science was because of all the math (and, well, science) involved.)
Maybe the job market would have been more open. Maybe I would be making more money now.
But it doesn't matter. I was happy being an English major and I am still happy - although more broke. Doesn't everyone wonder what their life would be like if they had made a different choice?
I like being busy. When I'm busy, there is no room in my mind for introspection and most of the time, that is a good thing. Too much introspection can make a person feel almost mentally ill at times.
When I'm busy, life moves faster, but I'm not usually aware of its movement until much later when I do have time to sit and be introspective.
I would rather have life move on around me while I'm being busy. Watching life move along is like watching paint dry; it should never be one's sole occupation.
Now to go be busy...
Spring rains have fallen and everything outside is a lovely shade of green. My only complaint is that the daffodils and tulips are gone already. They're two of the prettiest flowers and now they're gone just like that.
Oh, well. As the poet said, "Nothing gold can stay." Or something like that.
I wish I could memorize poetry as well as I can memorize song lyrics. I only have to hear a song about three times before I know all the words. I wish poetry was the same way. I memorized a poem by Emily Dickinson, but it took longer.
I need to work on my characters again. Maybe I'll do what I did a few years ago... let my characters write these 100-word blurbs for me. Or perhaps I could just write about my characters - scenes from what happened to them earlier in their lives... anything to make them more clear to the reader. It's funny how well you get to know your characters - inside and out - then put them in short stories and expect the reader to know them as well as you do.
Some writers can pull that off, but I can't... at least not yet.
Soon, I am going to get new glasses. The last time I had been to the eye doctor was during my senior year of high school and that was five years ago. It's hard to believe that it was that long ago. I don't even consider myself the same person anymore.
Looking back, I don't really like the girl I was in high school. I like the person I am now a little bit more. My goal is to become a much better person - to get over the little, petty things and look to the future with optimism, not hopelessness.
It's the last day of April? Already? Where did the month go? Tomorrow is going to be May 1. That's my best friend's mom's birthday, so I may very well end up going over to her house.
But on a totally unrelated topic, I hate clicking "remember me" after I type in my password on websites, even though nobody else except me ever goes on my computer. I might just be paranoid that way or something. Every time I get off a site, I log out. If I find that I'm still logged in, I freak out. Irrational much, right?
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