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I used to be afraid to play with sparklers when I was a little kid. I played with one when I was a teenager, but I don't know... I think I'd rather just watch the fireworks. They cancelled the firework display for our town this year because of the budget cuts. I understand why they had to do it, but there will be a bunch of little kids who will be disappointed. I guess I can always shoot off my own fireworks - if my brother even feels like setting them off... I am still too scared to even touch one.
Speak My Name
It makes me think of that Destiny's Child song. *say my name, say my name* I wonder why it makes you feel so special when that one person says your name - even if they usually call you by a nickname or some pet name - it feels different and better when they call you your real name. In my past relationship, he always called me pet names and I got tired of hearing them - I wanted to hear my own name. I called him his name, but he was always making up fake names that I never really liked.
We are all special, even though we are not really unique. Call me a horrible person, but I believe stereotypes are true. It is so easy to stereotype people and every time I put someone into a category, it turns out to be true nine times out of ten. I know it's not right to label someone, but I learned in psychology that putting labels on people helps to simplify a complicated world. With all the social networking and various other technologies, it gets even more complicated. I wonder what stereotypes I fall into. I actually want to be categorized.
This is a downward spiral, continuous. I cannot see what is at the bottom of this black well of despair. Perhaps a Lovecraftian monster like Shub-Niggurath. Perhaps zombies. I hate the obsession with zombies and zombie movies today - it makes me sick. So does the obsession with
. Hello - real men don't sparkle! Even teenage girls ought to be smart enough to know that. The world's intelligence is on a downward spiral - especially in the United States. We've grown so complacent over the last ten or twenty years. Some other country is going to take over as world power.
Spring is my favorite season, mostly because of all the beautiful green trees and multi-colored flowers outside. I also love spring because mornings are cool and fresh, but afternoons are warm (and in my state, usually humid). I get so tired of having to wear my body weight in clothing during the winter, so I'd rather just go out with a T-shirt and enjoy the spring time. I like the sudden showers that come and go - one minute, it'll be pouring down rain, then the next, the sun will be out again. I love how schizophrenic spring is!
I have nothing to say about this topic. Absolutely nothing. As a matter of fact, I feel like copying and pasting "nothing" until I get 100 words. I won't do that, even though my brain is completely drained from an essay exam. My fingers hurt, my hand hurts, and I don't want to write about squads. My anthropology exam is tomorrow and I have to start studying for that, even though I really don't feel like it. And yes, there is such a thing as over-studying. It's called cramming your brain so tight, it just can't absorb another thing.
I love that song by Jewel, even though it gets played on the radio constantly. Just hearing that song brings me back to the good old days of eighth grade. To this day, eighth grade is my favorite grade. My favorite year of high school was my sophomore year; least favorite was my senior. My favorite year of college was my junior year and my least favorite was probably my freshman year. Interesting. I have diaries of all the crazy stuff that happened in all of those years - it is nice to sit down and have a good laugh.
I want to lie down on grass and look up at the stars with someone. These nights in the first days of May are beautiful, but I have nobody around to enjoy that beauty with me. I don't want a relationship, really. I don't want friends with benefits. Just someone who's there when I need a cuddle or a hug or just some reassurance. I feel bad writing that, but it's true. I'd just like someone to share the stars with. They don't have to be real. They can be completely imaginary. As a matter of fact, I'd prefer that.
On May 15 of this month, I will be starting over. They call graduation "commencement" for a reason. Because it is not an ending. You are commencing a new part of your life. After May 15, my world will be totally different. I won't be a slave to the academic schedule... but I will be a slave to a boss. I can't wait until I can get a job and start my real life. I'm really excited about it, but nervous at the same time. I just have to keep telling myself that I know I can do this!
It is time. It's time to purge myself of all this idiocy. Not literally purge, like bulimia or anything, but it's time to forget a lot of things and go on with my life. I have a lot of notebooks I've written about my past life and I'm ready to think about throwing them away and either writing new ones or letting life take me to places and to things and people who are interesting to write about. I've just been so disillusioned, so starved by everything around me. I need something deeper. I realized I need God very desperately.
It sounds like a word one of my English professors would use. He uses all these words that only people in England use and it's kind of funny; he's the biggest Anglophile out of all the teachers I've ever had in my undergraduate career (which officially ends on May 15). I don't even know what stodgy means and I'm too lazy to go and look it up. I just got out of an exam and my hands hurt from writing constantly for an hour. I feel like I did well on it. Maybe I'll get A's for my other grades.
Maybe I'm just bitter because I haven't had a relationship in over a year and I've never had a real one, but I hate when girls talk about their boyfriends like they're the best thing in the world. Then, about three weeks later, they break up. That's not love. You profess to love someone so much, then you just get pissed at them and it all goes away. Just like that. There's no time to mourn the old relationship; they just move right on. Stop it, people. Think hard about who you choose to date. This stuff's really important.
Stop With the Negative Waves
I feel like I can't be happy until I get a job. I need to stop beaming myself with negative waves and just focus as much as I can. I hate feeling so socially awkward all the time - I never feel right around people. I suppose that once I get into the real world that problem will take care of itself, but I will fight through the blood, sweat, and tears, to make it better. I can't stand this shyness anymore. I want these chains gone from me. I don't ever want to face it again.
I have a ton of stories about a storm, but I don't want to run through them yet again. I miss the guy I associated with storms. Every time I don't hear about the idiotic things he does, I idealize him. It's a bad habit, but I can't easily break it. I miss how nonchalant he was, how he went through life with the knowledge that everything would fall into place. I miss the way he smelled when he didn't wear cologne; the cologne ruined his natural scent. I miss the stupid way he laughed - but I couldn't love him.
Story of My Life
I don't know what the story of my life is. I'm only 21. I turn 22 in a few weeks, but I don't even know what to think. I've just graduated, and I am starting over. I have one good friend to my name. I have my family. I have my religion. I have my degree. I suppose all are solid foundations for getting somewhere in life. Right now I just need more things to put on my resume. I need to destroy my two greatest weaknesses and I think I can get through life after that.
I have never been stranded - at least not in the literal sense. I have been emotionally shipwrecked - right now I'm feeling like all the girls I met when I was with my ex only liked me for who my ex was and who I was when I was with him. They were only trying to get a piece of him; I don't think they cared about me at all. I know it was that way with one of my "friends." It's so stupid and childish.
The next time I get a girlfriend I'm making sure no guy gets in between.
I've never been to a strawberry field. It's a poetic idea, which is why it's in so many song lyrics - almost to the point of cliche - and it is a pleasing mental image. Strawberries are one of my favorite fruits, right up there with bananas and pineapples. I don't really care too much for apples or grapes. McIntosh apples are the only ones I really like. Eating peaches is risky, almost like a gamble - you never know if you're getting a flavorful peach or a mealy peach until you bite it. But strawberries and bananas are nearly always perfect.
A tiger never changes its stripes and a leopard never changes its spots. It is important to learn from your mistakes, though. It's important to change and move on and realize that you need to change. If you move through life the same way all the time, there's something that you're not picking up on. Something's missing there. Now that I've graduated, I'm making a commitment to change (I sound like Obama). I want to be able to say "I was shy" rather than "I am shy." A different world forces me to make a change in my daily habits.
I can be pretty stubborn, but I'll usually cave if the other person is really unhappy. I'd rather make others happy than be happy myself and that is my downfall a lot of the time. Usually, if everyone around me is happy, I'll be happy too, but if someone isn't happy, I'll try to make it better. It's a balance thing. I feel like certain things need to be balanced or else I'll start having this dissonant feeling that is mentally uncomfortable. I don't like to push others too hard, but I know I definitely need to be more assertive.
I wait for everything to subside, to calm down. Calm settings and situations make me happy. I would not be good for a high-chaos job, but I'd like a job with deadlines and a lot of the time, those can be high-chaos. I don't really consider myself a procrastinator anymore, so perhaps I would not increase the chaos by waiting until the last second. In my experience, when you wait until the last second to do something, it always goes wrong. It's like the world is trying to teach you a lesson - never wait until it is too late.
Success is subjective. Everyone sees success differently. For some, it's making a lot of money and being able to afford big houses and nice cars. For some, it's raising well-behaved and competent children. For some, it's doing well in school and earning a PhD. For some, it is helping others. I could go on and on.
To me, success is doing the best I can at everything I do. Success is defeating my tragic flaws - every day is one step on the road to success.
But is success an endpoint? Or is it something that comes in stages?
Archaic Japanese word for safflower - according to a hasty Google search. Why are all these Japanese words coming up in my list of themes? I know nothing about Japan except that they supposedly have lots of vending machines there and they will sell nearly everything in a vending machine. It should be that way in America, actually. If America is a hyperreality, than Japan most definitely is. They're way ahead of us in terms of technology and education; I feel so bad for the kids graduating from high school these days; they know nothing about the real world at all.
I have a sweet tooth. Anyone who knows me knows it. Whenever someone asks me what I want for my birthday, for Christmas, or any other holiday, I always say 'chocolate.' Right now I have got enough chocolate to last me some time - and I'm actually not wanting it. Maybe I am losing my sweet tooth. I'm 21 and I feel like I'm 41. I also feel like I've been 21 forever. It's like I just want to flash forward past this boring part of my life to get to the exciting stuff - to get to the sugar rush faster.
I hate this topic. I remember back in high school when the emo kids were obsessed with suicide. I read somewhere that 90% of people who commit suicide have a mental illness. Who are the 10% who don't? But then again, many statistics are made up on the spot, so who knows if that's really true? But either way, never kill yourself. There's too much to look forward to, there's too much to live for. Go out and find it. Find someone who cares about you and loves you because someone always does. Usually they're just a phone call away.
I like the warm summer weather, but that's as far as it goes. I don't like mosquitoes, ticks, air conditioning, being out of school, humidity, and many other things. I do like summer nights, though. I wish I could lie flat on my back and look up at the stars with a special person. A normal person. It's so frustrating. I just wish he was normal... it isn't fair. It's like God's laughing in my face, but I know he would never do that. He's given me the summer, he's allowed me to graduate college; he knows what I need.
I go out into the sun for five minutes and I get really red. My friend and I were taking a walk on this trail through the woods and we were probably walking for thirty minutes and I was super red. It faded away by the end of the day, but still, that's dangerous. I'm probably going to get skin cancer if I don't wear sunblock. Strangely enough, I rarely wear shorts or skirts (it happens about three times a year - no joke) and I can still get all burnt up. I need to carry sunscreen in my purse now.
I got rid of my Facebook on a totally spur of the moment decision. I never want to go back. That website makes me angry. I have 64 friends and none of them are really my friends or really care about me. My only true friend in the world got rid of Facebook, too - so we can be in this together.
I hate how people will act so two-faced. I try my best to be up front and honest with people, then they lie to me.
If you have a problem with me, tell me the truth.
It's been a long time since I've been up before the sun so I could actually see the sun rising. When I went to high school and had to get up at ungodly hours to catch the bus, I would like to see the sun rise. It made me feel good - I loved high school. Now I look back on it and miss some parts of it, but mainly, I lament what an idiot I was back then. The majority of people I hung out with were not really my friends - but I enjoyed the time I had with them.
Sunsets are beautiful works of art. God created them to end the day in a positive way and to keep us hopeful for the next day. I'd like to enjoy the sunset with someone else, preferably a very special guy, but that will be a long time coming.
I'm frustrated right now. I have one true friend in the world. Everyone else has lied to me or just doesn't care about me. It frustrates me because I genuinely like and care about these people. Oh, well. I guess that's just part of growing up. 'Tis the sunset of youth.
He seems to think I will become a superstar. I don't think so; I mean, it would be a lot of work to have paparazzi following you around. The only thing I'd like to be famous for is writing an epic novel that describes the human condition to perfection. Other than that, I'm pretty sure I would not want to be a superstar of any kind. If I did become a famous writer, I'd be the type who declines interviews and who hides away like a recluse, turning out one book after another. Nobody would know anything about me.
Sometimes, I can be superstitious, but most of the time, I try not to be. It's against my religion to have faith in superstitions or in anything other than God or the Catholic Church.
It's so hard to have faith in a world like this; it's so cruel. Today's world is like life in hell all the time.
I wish there was something I could do to make the world better for the people who live there. I can pray, I know. Maybe I'll go to another country and take care of children.
The world is cruel.
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