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I will miss the Literary Guild when I graduate from JCC. I will miss everyone I was somewhat friends with. I will miss most of the teachers except for my Health teacher, who should never have been given a license, but most of what goes on in that school and most of the people there I will not miss at all. I won't miss the loneliness, I won't miss the feeling that no one cares if I were to die, and I won't miss the stupid ex boyfriend I have who goes there. I'll be mostly glad when I graduate.
The purpose of life is a life of purpose means that you have to make your life meaningful. That was the most esoteric and convoluted sentence I have ever typed before, but that's okay. This is the perfect place for rambling. You have to accomplish something in your life or have a genuine purpose of living. That's the reason we live at all; to have an opportunity to make an impact on this world and the people in it. Everyone makes an impact, whether they know it or not. Anything we do ricochets off the rest of the world's people.
A year ago, I was the same person I am now. I still date the same guy, still don't work, still have a computer in my room... things have changed in my life, but I'm sure I'm still the same person. I have defeated jealousy a little... I've gotten better at hiding my emotions... I've gotten better at beating procrastination, for the most part. But I'm still the same confused person, if not even more confused than I was before. I realized that I was a little more naïve last year, and I know about the general state of life.
Jamie's parents have got it wrong. They have the wrong idea of what work is and what is does to a person. They don't give getting an education enough credit for its own sake. Jamie is being brainwashed by them because they are so narrow minded that they believe all that is in the media. They think education will get you nowhere... and they raise their sons thinking that they will get everything in life. They are perpetuating the lower middle class and I am getting annoyed by it. It is not going to help my boyfriend in any way.
Jamie isn't listening to me. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm watching him very closely, and that we're separating in the relationship. He doesn't treat me like a human anymore. I don't feel it from him anymore. All I feel is his sex drive, his anger, rebellion... it's all. Not any speck of love for me. I feel it a little, but it's not there. He doesn't act the same way he used to, because he's too busy listening to his stupid friends and narrow minded parents. I wish he was the same boy I fell in love with.
My lack of love is relentless
Driving me to sadism...
Never again will I fall to a demented one
Tomorrow it will all be better
The grass will be green again
I wander down the empty hallways
Of my endless, loathsome life.
I yearn to touch you with my hands
With my heart and soul
But lover, you've grown cold
Your eyes weigh out all my sorrow
Never will I trust you with my secrets
When you do not prove yourself
I will be waiting for the butterfly
To stretch its wings from the cocoon
And take flight to me
Jamie disrespects me, but in a way that's only because I ask to be disrespected. I don't ask directly, though. I'll tell him not to buy me anything for our anniversary, and then he doesn't and I get pissed off. Or I tell him to buy me a candy bar. They cost like 48 cents, right? Does he get it? No. He doesn't even get me a 48 cent candy bar. I got him a belt that cost $35. The least he could do is get me either a 48 cent candy bar or a 93 cent box of Pocky.
Going to Clayton High School is like visiting the zoo, and it would probably be even more zoo-like now, because of all the new freshman. There are literally 1,925 students in a school built for maybe 1000. It's not fair. It's not right. And they won't build a new high school until ten years from now, when the student population reaches 3000. You meet all kinds of freaks in the wonderful world of Clayton High; there are the stoners, the posers, the Goths, the punks, the jocks, the preps. You name it, Clayton High has every type of animal.
Damn you fucking page! Why can't you write your own goddamn self? Why do I always feel like I have to watch my back and be a different person around every fucking person I talk to? Why do I feel sad when I'm with my boyfriend, but happy when I'm away with him? Why can't I just fucking enjoy the relationship? Why did I ever overthink love and ruin it with logic? Why am I so emo sometimes? Why can't I speak for myself? I'm fucking 19 years old for God's sake, and I still can't stand up for myself!
My daily walk down the hallways is boring as hell, unless I see a hot guy I can fixate on or people I know I can smile to. I have a song in my head most of the time when I walk down the hallways, and am usually walk along at a pretty good clip, if the song in my head is a fast one. I like walking down the hallways, and I do it randomly when the mood strikes. Last week I was bored, so I walked all the way around campus and back to my car. Fun stuff!
I'm just going to write about something I heard a few weeks ago. I heard these two girls I sort of know talking in the hall. One girl was telling the other, “She said she'd commit suicide if Colin broke up with her.” I knew exactly who they were talking about, and I felt bad for the girl because she seems so nice, and too happy by herself to do that over a guy. I know Colin too. He's a worthwhile guy, but no guy is worth killing yourself over.. at least no guy except Jesus.. and not even Him.
A rumor about me... she's crazy. Crazy as in insane. Mental hospital worthy. That kind of crazy. I heard that all through the seventh grade, and the sixth grade because of my antisocial tendencies. I heard it in fourth grade, too. I know why they thought I was crazy, but the reason is too personal to put out in public. The rumor itself didn't impact me, but it was the way the people treated me after they heard the rumor. At first I didn't mind, but then I realized that it was really hurting me inside. I'm past that now.
Rumors kill a person's reputation. Most rumors are of the negative variety... a good rumor never survives. In the valley of rumors, it's more like survival of the sickest, to quote a Saliva song. I feel that rumors suck the life out of the person they're about... they can cause suicide and lashing out, both things that are not warranted, at least by this society. In Emerson's society, I'm sure they'd be okay. The best thing to do about a rumor is to prove it untrue as best as you can... just stick by yourself and stick to your guns.
I imagine my protective gear as a brick wall that gets slowly built up around me every time I'm in trouble, or am feeling jealous or angered. In the seventh grade, I pictured that wall being built up around me, brick by brick, and the mental picture would take me away from the jealousy that was going on. I don't think that kind of mental imagery would work for me now. The things I need protection from these days are not only manifested in the mind, but they are all over the place; wherever I go. I'm afraid of reality.
Practically every day in JCC is a day without drama. It makes for an environment very conductive to studying, but not very conductive to fun. Drama is fun, if you take it lightly and don't get too wrapped up in it. A day without drama is boring, but it allows you to concentrate on the more important things that get lost in the procrastinating face of drama. Be glad for days without drama, because they allow you to do more things that you realize you had not had time for when drama was drooling on your life. It's all good.
All I know about spin doctors is it's the name of a band. I don't think I have ever heard the expression before. Is a spin doctor a quack? Is it the epithet of someone who tries hard to do certain things, and never actually fulfills their duty? Is a spin doctor a failed doctor, or is it someone who lies and tries to doctor truth with fiction? Someone who tries to put their own spin on things? Is that it? I think it might be, because I've been writing about rumors and lies all week, practically. Am I right?
A list of my gifts... I don't think I have many, so I'm digging deep...
I'm patient with pretty much everyone.
I am a good writer.
I actually know when to shut up and listen.
I'm good with animals.
I'm well-read, if you don't count reading the newspaper.
I have self-discipline and I'm trying to increase it every day.
I'm academically talented, meaning that I actually try in school.
I have good grammar skills... but only in writing. I don't care about how I sound when I speak, unless I'm doing an interview.
I'm just me.
I think that was essentially the motto of Joseph Goebbels back before World War II started. He was trying to get Hitler to go toward the socialist end of the belief spectrum, but when Hitler refused to yield, Goebbels gave in to him and his National Socialist party because he would rather forgo his own beliefs than completely give up on following and being friends with Hitler. That's my example of “if you can't beat them, join them”. I don't think it's the right way to go; always stick with your own beliefs, no matter how outwardly foolish they are.
I probably have been involved in drama, but I do not remember a situation where it was that obvious. In high school, everyone is involved in the drama, the insanity, the crazy things people do; etc. I guess I was involved in drama, because when I went to high school I found drama funny. It was fun and like a TV show to see people get all worked up and melodramatic about stupid things that they would normally just forget about. I don't regret getting caught up in drama, because it teaches a certain lesson. Never retell what you hear.
Committing yourself to schoolwork and general work takes away from the amount of time and energy you typically waste on drama and its evil facets. If drama is going around school, you have to remember that you are at school to LEARN, not to spread drama, rumors, and lies about people. If drama springs up at work, you are there to confront your co-workers and your boss, and rid the workplace of the drama; how can any work be done with drama floating around? I will commit to my real friends, the ones who do not lie about people.
The college's timing is affecting my life right now. It's supposed to be a two year school, but it actually takes two and a half years to get the credits you need to transfer. So I have to finish the years at JCC before I get to my next college, which will hopefully be NC State. I'm on my parents' timing; definitely. I really wouldn't know where I'd be if not for them, so depending on their timing isn't so bad. My boyfriend's timing is affecting my life right now; he's younger than me and has to finish high school.
I don't think my parents ever thought I was lazy. I don't remember that... but this is going to be hypothetical. Jamie's parents think he's lazy, even when he busts his ass at that shitty minimum wage job, just to get half the money taken away by his parents. They still think he's lazy, even when the boy does the best he can. I hope their changing their opinion, because I certainly have. I see the effort he's making. He doesn't know exactly how to manage his time or his money, but he's learning fast. He'll be a good husband.
Next year at this time, I will be finishing my years at JCC or I will be at NC State already. That's my main intention; to keep going the way I'm going. My other intentions are to beat the shyness and jealousy. To tell the truth, I think I'm doing a pretty good job of defeating both of them this year, but I have other IMSADs I would like to defeat. Like... the sex and the dependence. They're becoming prominent this year, and them to be quelled next year. I'm really getting tired of having to deal with them both.
Perfectionism... sometimes I am a perfectionist, but it really depends on what I'm doing. If I clean my room, it has to be perfect, but if I write a story I don't strive for perfection, because I can always go back and revise. Some people mistake perfectionism for obsessive compulsive disorder. I know they're not the same thing; my mom is a perfectionist, but she doesn't have OCD. My uncle is a perfectionist to the extreme extent, but he doesn't have OCD either. I don't think perfectionism is necessary, because we're human we do make mistakes. It's in our nature.
In the year following college... I will go on to my next college. I will have a job by then... I WILL. I am going to make that one of my major goals. I will probably still be with Jamie, if the Know doesn't disappoint me or if fate does not trick me. In the year following all of my college (after I get my doctorate), then I will get married, and have kids, get a job I love, and settle down. I would really like to have one job forever, and not switch jobs, but that's hard these days.
I have many commitments and am pretty averse to letting go of any of them. My first commitment is to my church and the Lord... I try hard with that one; or at least I try to. My second commitment is to my family, and my third is my schoolwork. Commitment number 3.5 is my obligation to the Literary Guild and the Editorial Committee, since that goes along with school. My boyfriend takes fourth place; and my friends go after him because I don't really have many friends. Writing is my fifth commitment because I try my best in it.
I feel rushed a lot of the time, and I don't like it at all. When I feel rushed, I tend to forget things, like your proverbial absentminded professor. Nobody likes to be rushed because we feel that others are trying to push us along, and when we're rushed, we can't do our best job. Procrastination on certain projects leads to rushing to get it all right in the end, but you usually end up doing a crappy job. There's no merit to feeling rushed, and no job can be adequately done with that feeling. I don't like the feeling.
Timing has a lot to do with pretty much the entire function of this world; everything is done at a certain time and for a certain reason. I believe that it is true. I believe that God controls everything, and that timing is to the effect that everything will turn out right. I also believe that everything is interrelated. The smallest happening, by association affects the entire world; both present future; what happened in the past, even the tiniest things, affects the future. I truly think that it is God's timing, and that all will eventually turn for the better.
Settling... is something I don't do easily. It takes me awhile to get settled into something, be it a new routine, a new school, etc. Right now, I feel myself getting restless and less settled. I know why... it's the time when I feel that I should be doing other things than what I'm doing; it's the January Theory again, only this time it's coming at the end of September. Everything is so messed up, and I realize that I do not really like to stay settled. I like to be restless. I love the pure chaos of the feeling.
I'm going to list what's happening in my life now... it helps to do this periodically:
Jamie working at Zaxby's and getting tons of hours, yet not being able to see me.
Researching the Richards (Wagner and Wright)
Reading the biography of Goebbels on my own.
Talking to Lea about sex with her stupid boyfriend.
Resisting having sex with MY boyfriend.
My new feline friend Gus
Writing and not really having the time to put effort into it
Justin and Tiffney breaking up
Amanda the new offensee, but Lauren probably being the most powerful offensee
Listening to Western Art music
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