05/01 Direct Link
Our water was cut off with a last minute notice posted in the elevators stating this would happen between 10:00 and 13:00.


Of course this would be an inconvenience.

This would mean that I couldnít even wash my hands.

She offered to give me something to eat. I took the offer while hoping to dispel my three cups of coffee overdose Iíd had overnight into the day.

The zucchini and walnut bread was delicious.

Godís signature for the day was a beautiful sunset that seemed to emulate the end as well as the beginning.
05/02 Direct Link
Currently Iím on the 4th floor of the Denver public library with a nice view of some of its architecture.

Itís becoming quite clear to me that this is the perfect environment to do my writing, and whatever else I want to do if I plan on doing it without any distractions.

Of course Iíd prefer to be in the comfort of my own home and abode, but that isnít always possible.

While in the library I told myself, even if youíre angry as fuck, still keep a calm and collected composure.

Don't let anger or fear rule your life.
05/03 Direct Link
Another main reason why I left the house is because she would not shut the fuck up.

She kept saying negative shit even when I was not trying to have a conversation with her. I am just tired of hearing it.

When she talked about how I am always leaving the house whenever I feel like it and how she feels like a cave woman trapped in the house, I explained to her that maybe if she had a better attitude about shit, then maybe I would want to stick around more, but she is just too got damn negative.
05/04 Direct Link
What do you do when your woman turns into a bitch and keeps nagging you nonstop without any let up, even after asking her politely to shut the fuck up.

Do you just start smacking her around until her lips get busted up and her teeth fall out of her mouth?

Do you walk out the door and book a room in a motel?

Do you just sit by calmly and take notes like some scientist observing an animal writing down every word that proceeds from her mouth?

Do you snatch all her clothes off and fuck her into submission?
05/05 Direct Link
I met a lady in front of the apartment building who was calling out to me.

She wanted my opinion on rather or not she did any damage to a car that was parked in front of her.

She had an oxygen tube connected to her, short curly hair, red lipstick lips, and beautiful Black skin.

She thanked me for my opinion and asked me what my name was.

She said her name was Luwanda.

I checked the mailbox and found that the books I ordered ĎMuhammad The Prophet,í and ĎLetting Go The Story of Zen Master Tosui,í were here.
05/06 Direct Link
I caught my normal bus on time.

Some of the normal people that I normally see on the bus were not here today.

Donít ask me why I wondered where they were as though they had to be right here and right now to make everything look okay and normal.

I thought I was going to be behind on schedule because the bus was stuck in traffic.

I fell asleep in the process and dozed in and out of consciousness.

I headed to the Yahudi Market which Iím thinking of changing the name to The Fine Fish Sushi Girlsí Market.
05/07 Direct Link
When we talk about the past, present, and future, the one thing that we have to realize is that we can only deal with the present moment.

If our minds dwell on the past, or on the future, notice how we still breathe in the present moment regardless to the thoughts that we might have.

Only the present moment can be attended to.

The number one thing that anyone could ever do in their lives is to simply be aware that they are breathing.

In every moment, we are constantly breathing in and out with brief pauses in between each.
05/08 Direct Link
When you get the chance, look up the word Ďpretend,í because I think it is one of the traits that most human beings tend to have.

I would like to say pretending to the point that you would have to call it acting.

Sometimes the act is not so convincing and this is where people say that this particular person is just fake or plain phony.

When people are really trying to be their genuine self without acting or pretending then they are said to be too serious and often told that they need to lighten up a little bit.
05/09 Direct Link
It was a candle light dinner with frozen TV dinners.

I observed how enthused she was about her own idea.

My mind was more on the Mehdi Hassan station, organizing our room, meditation, and my uncompleted writing for the day.

She soured my outlook on the dinner when she referred to my Egyptian Musk as Ďwhat is that funny smell.í

I was pissed off when she didnít pass the test of knowing that when you have a candle light dinner, you have to sit on the opposite sides of each other, gaze into each otherís eyes, and fall in love.
05/10 Direct Link
You would think that since I claim myself to be an artist, I would have paintings all over the wall, lots of art books, and plenty of work to show that I have done on my own.

Despite this assumption, youíd probably be surprised to see a bunch of my writings instead.

Being an artist and a writer, I cannot be afraid to look and to see.

I do not think you could have any kind of career or success without using that simple God given ability along with observation of course.

You also canít worry about what people think.
05/11 Direct Link
I already knew that I would be giving her a bath for motherís day with scented candles, dragon blood incense, and a cracked window to let some wind in.

Initially I was thinking we could take a bath together but knew that this wouldnít be possible with a five year old running around the house.

I told her to get into the bath and she tried to protest but I just nudged her along into the bathroom.

She came out a few seconds later stating that that the bath must be meant for me because her menses had just come.
05/12 Direct Link
I was meditating reflecting over how many minutes I was going to be meditating and then asked the question Ďwhat is a minute?í

Most say that a minute is sixty seconds.

Look at the word minute, and see that itís just a word to describe something.

In truth we canít really say that I meditated five minutes.

Itís all a concept and has nothing at all to do with the flux and flow of real time which is constantly moving right now.

Donít look at time as though itís something etched in stone.

Time isnít military, nor is it standard.
05/13 Direct Link
Earlier I woke and saw my wife sleeping next to me. Suddenly I found myself paying attention to every detail of her face.

I looked at her lips and how it slightly extends past the nose, at her eyebrows and the eye bag that had formed under her eye, at the folds and curves that were in her clothes, and how the gray and black stands of hair extended outward from the pores of her head.

If I could draw in the same manner of what I was seeing then perhaps I would see a big difference in my drawings.
05/14 Direct Link
-subterfuge: n. an artifice or expedient used to evade a rule, escape a consequence, hide something; a stratagem employed to conceal something, and evade an argument. Synonyms for this word included deception, scheme, trick, dodge, and ruse.

I am feeling somewhat drowsy now even after taking a nap. I think I went to sleep thinking that I had done zazen for at least one minute but I had not. The one thing that I really want to do right now is cut my hair and shave.

Once I was out of the bathroom I was surprised to see Firdaus sleeping.
05/15 Direct Link
It really hurt me when he said ĎI would never be his father,í though I am the one who gave birth to him through my seed.

What have I produced?

You have produced a product that is still in the making and needs a whole lot of molding.

It was important to allow him to be creative but not so creative to the point that there was confusion regarding his gender though it had been pointed out and stated time and time again.

He was a rather intelligent boy who only needed to learn a few simple manners and courtesies.
05/16 Direct Link
How could sexual innuendos be involved in a gym type setting?

Letís just state the fact by the mere way that women dress when they go to the gym, it is for more than just a mere workout.

Letís not fail to mention the various types of gym equipment where women can bend in all kinds of different positions to tease, entice, and lead you on.

I wouldnít complain too much if they had a section for men and a section for women at the gym.

Working out with the opposite sex is bound to lead various types of arousal.
05/17 Direct Link
Today it is our anniversary.

For our anniversary I got her an anniversary card that was not too sentimental, mushy, or fake.

If I could not find a card that spoke what I was truly feeling in my heart, then I would probably buy a blank card and write my own words in the card.

I also got her watch repaired and bought a pizza for later on in the night.

Our trip to Echo Lake was nice. However my plan to take her to a higher point than the last time we were here because Mount Evans was closed.
05/18 Direct Link

What is that supposed to really mean anyways?

People have them every year.

What is a year?

I realize that I have had certain expectations about how our anniversary was supposed to go, and since I didnít find it going the way that I had anticipated, I found myself getting rather upset about it.

We could have expectations about how things should go at a party, or how things should go at our jobs.

The truth of the matter is that holding on to these expectations will bring nothing but disappointment, especially when those expectations are not being met.
05/19 Direct Link
While doing my meditation I was thinking about Zen and how it wasnít really a religion in the sense of having some belief in God or a higher power because Zen is concerned with whatís happening now, removing our suffering through the channel and avenue of realizing things such as causes and effects and why they happen.

I was thinking about how Zen could be found in Genesis when it talks about how the beginning was the void and how it was formless.

I could probably find references in the Holy Quran which shows that Zen has its Universal appeals.
05/20 Direct Link
Once I found the jazz station, I would learn of another way the mind operates.

I listened to the jazz music and how well the pianist played the piano.

The thought occurred to me that I would like to learn how to play jazz piano.

Before I turned the radio on, and before I turned to the jazz station, I was not thinking anything at all about piano or any type of musical instruments.

This was just a fine example of how the mind operates and how our thoughts can trigger us to take certain actions without really realizing it.
05/21 Direct Link
I was sitting on the toilet when I had thought and considered that it would be worth my while to be attentive to every single action, every single moment, and every single thought.

In reference to the body movements that one makes they should be deliberate and fluid like tai chi and kung fu movements for the sake of mindfulness.

You could take this to another level by saying every movement is kung fu.

After speaking so much about the moment I came to a conclusion that there is no moment, or present moments; it just is as it is.
05/22 Direct Link
Everything is mystical,
everything is now.

While I was sitting on the toilet I was thinking about how the body could be equated to the similarities of a machine.

If you take good care of your body, you have a body that lasts and performs to its highest ability.

However if you donít take care of your body in the manner that it should be taken care of, you could run into some complications that could turn into future problems.

Problems arenít necessarily a bad thing. The only thing you have to do is figure out how to solve them.
05/23 Direct Link
I relaxed inside of the closet and listened to Mahini Ne which is equivalent to the Black manís blues.

I experienced what I would like to call Ďwatching the time pass me by.í

Everything is time, which is motion.

If everything stopped momentarily and came to a complete stillness there would still be some kind of motion within that stillness because even atoms are in constant motion.

And where is this time that you speak of?

It is right here, right now as you are breathing.

At some point you come to the realization that even time is an illusion.
05/24 Direct Link
If you think deeply enough you would come to see and realize that basically what we are is just a bunch of stories.

The majority of those stories are not our own.

We are told when we were born, what our name is, and what school we will be going to.

Is that to say we donít have free will when someone has to choose for us because we are not capable?

We have no choice in this aspect of our lives until we become adults to make up our own stories.

There is definitely a higher power than this.
05/25 Direct Link
I will either kill every single mouse in here, or out of love, and compassion get a cat to take care of them.

I made coffee for myself and Aini. I figured that our best bet was to simply drink our coffee at the table since our son was up past midnight causing all kinds of ruckus.

As the days countdown, I wonder if my son will miss me, or if he would cry at the airport once he realized that I was not going with him overseas.
He has already stated that he wants to stay here with me.
05/26 Direct Link
This morning I bought two whole chickens and some tandoori spice. It will probably be our last meal together as a family for several months. It could very well be our last.

I will continue to say that when a person is truly contemplating the reality of death that they will come to realize that death can be an ally in helping us to begin to truly live life.

Time should always be of the essence because it is all we have.

We donít have an unlimited supply of it.

How you use your time should always be thought out.
05/27 Direct Link
Itís not what you say, but how you say it.

Try saying something in a monotone kind of way versus saying the same thing in a more lively and animated way.

Who will leave a more lasting impression?

Once you can overcome the fear of looking, you can expand your vision in many ways.

When you can look in a manner without caring what people think, your perception and consciousness changes.

Sometimes the beauty of a woman can be very blinding to the eyes of perception.

You have to look deeper beyond the surface and tell me what you see.
05/28 Direct Link
My dreams are in sunsets and sunrises.

Thereís nothing more treasured than an undisturbed meditation.

What are the intentions of the actions you take and the words that you speak?

Towards the end when I knew she was going to be leaving soon I started to watch the sunsets more and the sunrises when I could.

While watching the sunsets and sunrises I felt this urge and desire within to be closer to nature.

Pay more attention to the trees, and the animals that inhabit our environment.

Try to spend time alone in the mountains where you can experience peace.
05/29 Direct Link
Today I pulled the entire weight set out of the closet and moved a lot of boxes around. I managed to move the empty card board boxes for moving to the other side of the closet.

Now I have more space in the closet but Iím still not finished with my projects and have not started on the file project as of yet.

While cleaning out the closet it all became clear to me how we can be like ants, by being very good at organizing.

The ant is one insect that is worth studying in all of its ways.
05/30 Direct Link
Because Iíve never shot a real gun before, I would like to go to the shooting range to see what itís like to fire a real gun.

I have heard that it has been said that youíre not a real man until you fire a real gun.

Others say youíre not a real man until you get laid and raise a family.

Whoís to really say except for the man who decides in life who and what he truly is and not what society tells him.

When I say society Iím talking about the advertisers, television, billboards, and Fox news.
05/31 Direct Link
Whatís in your hand?

Be mindful of what you pick up and where you place it.

Many times we pick things up and do not remember where we had it last. If we were more mindful, we would never forget.

I was reading this article out of the Discovery magazine and they were talking about the universe and how they are learning more secrets.

One of the things mentioned was called dark energy.

From what I understand, presently they do not know too much about it.

I would like to know how scientists of this world come to their conclusions.