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BY erin

11/01 Direct Link
a bulemic’s wet dream/fun with mastication:

something to do if you get bored while eating spaghetti: swallow one end of it while holding onto the other end, and then pull it out. reminds me of that scientist who wanted to study the mechanisms of digestion, so he put some chewed food in one bag, some unchewed food in another bag and tied some rope around them. then he swallowed them while holding onto the opposite end of the string. he left ‘em down there a while to see which one would digest the fastest. then he pulled ‘em back out.
11/02 Direct Link
“salads are just better when erin makes them.” that’s a quote from my friend kate who just came to visit me. here’s the note she left on my table (and i admit i’m bragging shamelessly):

dear erin, thanks for the superb hospitality. you always make me feel right at home with your warm smile, hot coffee, and shedding dog. speaking of your dog, she was a joy as well. one of the highlights of our stay here at chez shep was the all inclusive dinner of pasta carbonara with a mixed green salad and crisp white wine. all very memorable...
11/03 Direct Link
you make promises that you won’t be able to keep. it’s not bad intentions, just big ideas. the first time, i believed them and ended up getting burned. now, i put up a shield when i hear one coming. i’ve gotten better at recognizing them, so i’m quick at raising my shield. the promises bounce right off it without touching my heart.

i think you know you do this. i wanted you to know that i know you do this. i wanted you to know that i have this shield. i wanted you to know that i like you anyway.
11/04 Direct Link
i have been purposely changing my life around since before i was born. my mom and dad were sleeping soundly one night, two weeks before my expected due date, when the bed shook enough to wake them both up. i had gone from being normally positioned (head first) to breech (ass first). this is cause for concern in the medical community, and i had to be cut out in an operating room rather than delivered the natural/vaginal way. mom said i was being “ornery,” but i think i just like to randomly switch things up from time to time.
11/05 Direct Link
survivulousness: the tendency to visualize oneself enjoying being the last remaining person on earth. “i’d take a helicopter up and throw microwave ovens down on the taco bell.”

i can’t remember what book this is from, but i do remember it was some hip novel i read while i was in high school. the cover was all arty, and i felt really ahead of my time just to be reading something with such a cool cover on it. i loved this quote so much that i copied it and it has been scotch-taped onto something i own ever since.
11/06 Direct Link
“oh, daddy, it’s been a long time!”

“has it?”

“whatcha mean? you’re starting some shit again!”

“no i’m not, baby! i love you, baby!”

i pulled my head up and kissed her, riding.

“harry,” she said.

“madge,” i said.

she was right.

it had been a long time.

i owed the liquor store $13.75 plus two six packs plus cigars and cigarettes and i owed the l.a. county general hospital $225, and i owed the dirty jap $70 and there were some minor utility bills, and we clutched each other and the walls closed in.

we made it.

-charles bukowski
11/07 Direct Link
i must be getting old because the act of bending over has become a regular part of my decision-making process. i’ve been sitting my drinks up high...on top of the record player or tv, or sometimes even up on the really high shelf up above my washer and dryer (with all the chemical cleaning products and laundry detergent). my coffee table has been feeling neglected.

i have a little more sympathy now for all the old-woman waitresses i used to work with who threw fits every time something fell on the floor. and i thought they were just tempermental...
11/08 Direct Link
more than normal

i find it reassuring to know that i can let my freak flag fly and people continue to return my phone calls. for a long time i thought that there were certain things i needed to hide in order for anybody to like me. eventually i ended up not liking myself too much. so i quit doing that. and i still have friends.

a very wise man gave me some easter advice and it went like this: “don't hide yer eggs this year. leave em out in the open. and let the bees buzz and blossoms bloom.”
11/09 Direct Link
what i learned watching the shogun assassin

buddhism teaches the existence of five states of being:

1. hungry ghost - eternal craving for things
2. animal - ignorant outlook; not examining theoretical possibilities
3. hell - eternal anger; constantly at war with self or others
4. jealous god - overly competitive; always outdoing others using any means possible
5. god-being - overly contemptuous with a false sense of having attained a god-like state

and

6. human - lacks the preoccupations of the other states, and exhibits inquisitiveness and virtuous reasoning abilities

i love the fact that the most desirable one is called “human.” finally, some respect.
11/10 Direct Link
on easter morning i met a very intelligent little blonde eight year old girl with a snake named cancer.

“why did you name your snake cancer?” i asked.

“well, he is my second snake, and he reminded me of my first snake whose name was cancer, so i named him cancer too,” she replied.

“may i ask why you named your first snake cancer?”

“well my first snake hissed a lot, and it sounded like he was coughing. his hiss sounded like a cough. so i named him cancer,” she said.

at this point, all i could say was, “oh.”
11/11 Direct Link
what i learned today about the housing market (no morals attached):

according to the u.s. department of housing and urban development, “affordable housing” means housing that takes up 30% or less of your income. according to the u.s. census bureau, the average per capita income in asheville is $20,024 per year. thirty percent of $20,024 is $6,007.20. that figure divided by twelve is $500.60, meaning that an average person with an average income should only have to spend $500.60 per month for rent or mortgage. AND the fair market rent for a two-bedroom housing unit in asheville is $623/month.
11/12 Direct Link
shock = lack of oxygen to your cells. every single person on this planet dies of shock. for example, trauma can lead to massive blood loss which means there’s nothing left to carry oxygen which causes shock. infection can lead to endovascular trauma by bacteria which can lead to leaky capillaries which causes loss of blood pressure which means your blood no longer moves oxygen which causes shock. heroin overdose causes decreased respiratory drive which means no new oxygen gets into your body which causes shock. you give me a way to die, and i’ll tell you how it causes shock.
11/13 Direct Link
“Well, look who’s here, Ringo. If it isn’t...Dennis, right?” He tossed a lit cigarette onto the grass and stepped out onto his porch, saying, “I’d invite you in, but the wife’s still dying of cancer. Clifford’s got it, too. You remember him, don’t you? Big fat guy, used to be my foreman. He’s over in Portland now, tumors up his ass the size of young Bartlett pears.”

“Funny thing, cancer.” He lit a cigarette, and considered the spent match. A crop duster flew overhead, and he waved his arms in greeting. “Yes, sir, it’s a real mystery.”

-David Sedaris
11/14 Direct Link
gym locker rooms are confusing for me. i never know if it’s ok to walk around naked, or if people will think i’m a weirdo. usually i err on the modest side of things. i walk from locker to sauna/steam-room/shower with a towel or a few clothes on. it is usually then that an obese middle-aged woman appears buck-assed naked in front of me. and then it’s hard for me not to stare. now–being in the medical profession–i’m pretty used to nakedness, but there is just something about this sight that i can’t quite digest.
11/15 Direct Link
it took me a while to realize that it was time to quit talking about what other people were doing and start doing some shit on my own. this may be the curse of the english major in general. we are trained as critics. no matter how much you like to write going in, you will get theory and criticism pushed on you so hard once you get there that you will be completely afraid to say anything by the time you’re done. i needed a lengthy literary vacation once i was done with that adventure, but now i’m back.
11/16 Direct Link
just thought i would let y’all know what’s going on here. wrote a bunch of entries back in april (27 to be exact) and never finished. since i didn’t finish, my entries got deleted. then i moved to a different state and didn’t write for a while. well now i’m writing again, and it’s november 28th. i found it very convenient that i had exactly 27 april entries just waiting for me! FYI the april 16th entry REALLY SUCKED so this is what i replaced it with. and this is why you’ll find easter stories in the middle of november.
11/17 Direct Link
when i cross over
i will shout and sing
i will know my savior
by the mark where the nails have been


by the mark where the nails have been
by the sign upon his precious skin
i will know my savior when i come to him
by the mark where the nails have been


a man of riches
may claim a crown of jews
but the king of heaven
can be told from the prince of fools


by the mark where the nails have been
by the sign upon his precious skin
i will know my...


-old gospel tune (?)
11/18 Direct Link
a guy who thought i was cute died. overdosed on drugs about a month ago. just found out today. didn’t know him very well. was looking for a place to live last summer, looked at his place, liked it very much, ended up not having to move after all. he started emailing and calling me asking me out for drinks. his friend told me he said he thought i was hot. woulda gone and had a drink with him, but it never happened. all a bunch of talk. his number’s still in my phone. he still has a myspace profile.
11/19 Direct Link
i’ve been holding a lot of babies lately. makes me wanna have one.

the best little kid i held was a NICU baby who was addicted to narcotics. nobody ever came in to hold her, so when i got her, she just cuddled her little face up on my chest like it was the best thing in the world. pretty sure she should’ve still been in her mom’s womb at that point...so little.

god, i’m glad my mother-baby rotation in school is ending soon. a few more weeks of this and i’ll be ready to start interviewing sperm donors.
11/20 Direct Link
if you fall off a horse, you’re supposed to get right back on and keep riding it. otherwise, you may never get back on that horse. well i don’t know a whole lot about horses and can’t really offer any advice on that topic.

but i am here to say that if you’ve had a few beers with your family and decide it’d be fun to try and learn how to ride a dirtbike through the yard, and you fall off, don’t bother trying to get back on. dirtbikes are not like horses. i’ve got the bruises to prove it.
11/21 Direct Link
if you want to know how much the concept of expectation comes into play in some of your relationships, try moving out of state. it’s working for me so far. people act ever so differently around you when they figure out you won’t be hangin’ around indefinitely. they tell you how they’re feeling. they call you all the time wanting to hang out. they say they’re gonna miss you a lot. good for the old ego, i say. everything so impermanent and zenny. think i’ll write a book. think i’ll call it “my life and the art of motorcycle maintenance.”
11/22 Direct Link
severe preeclampsia sounds like it would really suck. you get a blood pressure of 160/100 or greater, proteinuria, oliguria, creatinine over 1.2 mg/dl, headache, blurred vision, hyperreflexia and possible ankle clonus, pulmonary or cardiac involvement, extensive peripheral edema, hepatic dysfunction, epigastric or right upper quadrant pain, and thrombocytopenia. you’re pregnant. you don’t feel like dealing with all this. and you’re at high risk for having seizures. and you’re at risk for getting this nasty nasty disorder called HELLP syndrome, which can lead to DIC, which can lead to bleeding to death. again, severe preeclampsia sounds like it would really suck.
11/23 Direct Link
dear miss erin zinobile:

on january 31, 2007 you were photographed for the student composite. we apologize for not collecting the sitting fee at that time. please remit $30.00 to pay for the 11 X 14 composite that you should have already received. enclosed is a return envelope, please include the bottom portion of this letter and a check or money order by may 18th. you may direct any questions to 684-0543 ext. 105 or sjordan@lifetouch.com.

we wish you continued success in your nursing career.

thank you, XXXX jordan
11/24 Direct Link
Erin Zinobile
xxx Beaverdam Rd
Asheville, NC 28804


May 5, 2007

To whom it may concern:

On January 31, 2007, I was very clearly informed by your representative that being photographed for the composite picture was free. Therefore, I shall not be remitting any payment to you for this service.

Thank you,

Erin Zinobile

(again, all this happened back in april. i’m really not sure why i posted it on here. must’ve been drunk. actually, reading tomorrow’s entry, i’d say i probably was drunk, because it sounds like tomorrow i’ve got that tortured, crazy feeling that couples with a hangover...)
11/25 Direct Link
sanity isn’t one of those notes you send your crush in elementary school that says, “do you like me? circle yes or no.” it is not a true or false question or even a multiple choice exam. most of the time, i feel relatively sane. today i’ve got the brain fever. mind is wrigglin’ around everywhere goin’ places where it shouldn’t. could go get myself checked into the psych ward if i felt like it. could maybe get me some zanax or some shock therapy...biteguard and seizures and all. instead i’ll stay right here and keep my crazy to myself.
11/26 Direct Link
i can tell i'm comfortable at a place when i can hang in it by myself and stay up without even looking at the clock until about five in the morning. what the hell have i been doing? i have no idea. knitting. listening to music. drinking. dancing by myself. decorating (my bedroom decor was inspired by a candy cane).

i was so sure that winter here would drive me nuts (my apartment is about the size of your thumb) but surprisingly i’m finding things to do indoors. well i guess it’s not so surprising. i’ve always been kinda crafty.
11/27 Direct Link
your slim frame
your eager eyes and your wild mane
oh they keep me where I belong
all wrapped up in wrong

you’re to blame
for wasted words of sad refrain
oh let them take me where they may
believe me when I say

that I will be your accident
if you will be my ambulance
and I will be your screech and crash
if you will be my crutch and cast
and I will be your one more time
if you will be my one last chance
oh fall for me

fall fast, fall free,
fall for me

–tvontheradio
11/28 Direct Link
i can tell i'm comfortable at a place when i can hang in it by myself and stay up without even looking at the clock until about five in the morning. what the hell have i been doing? i have no idea. knitting. listening to music. drinking. dancing by myself. decorating (my bedroom decor was inspired by a candy cane).

i was so sure that winter here would drive me nuts (my apartment is about the size of your thumb) but surprisingly i’m finding things to do indoors. well i guess it’s not so surprising. i’ve always been kinda crafty.
11/29 Direct Link
your slim frame
your eager eyes and your wild mane
oh they keep me where I belong
all wrapped up in wrong

you’re to blame for
wasted words of sad refrain
oh let them take me where they may
believe me when I say

that I will be your accident
if you will be my ambulance
and I will be your screech and crash
if you will be my crutch and cast
and I will be your one more time
if you will be my one last chance
oh fall for me

fall fast, fall free,
fall for me

–tvontheradio
11/30 Direct Link
bukowski has this poem “last days of the suicide kid” that talks about a ‘subnormal and bored nurse’ saying things to him (an old half-dead man) like, “isn’t it a lovely day, mr bukowski?” and “this is the first sunlight we’ve had in months, mr bukowski!” while he’s all depressed sitting in his wheelchair in some rest home courtyard and kids are running by making fun of him. if i start saying shit like that to my patients i hope somebody tells me to shut up. ignoring the ugly stuff to talk about sunshine and flowers is just plain annoying.