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fragmented mental confetti
this is the love month.
(i am unattached.)
i choose to embrace my heart.
i hug tight, i let go of expectations.
i choose to open my door to others.
they knock, i lead them in gratitude.
(i am amazed.)
i choose to enjoy Godís presence.
He sings, i listen in jubilation.
i choose to walk in health.
i inhale, i exhale with earnestness.
(i am set free.)
i choose to delight in my work.
children play, i capture the memories.
i choose to exude creativity.
earth listens, i speak through pictures.
(i am journeying.)
love is a daily gift.
i am a teacher of 18 Ė 24 month old children. chaos is my working environment and i love it. not every minute, but most minutes. the kids make me laugh when they use everyday objects in creative ways. a plastic hammer becomes a knee reflex checker. a cup becomes a vehicle for plastic people. a cardboard box becomes a wheelbarrow. i become a jungle gym!
there are moments when i forget anything that is irrelevant and am focused on true life. my job is critical to a childís development. i am needed. i belong. i am alive. i am content.
It is freeing to lay down expectations and allow God to guide me. Progress, not perfection, that's the liberating truth of my contentment. Iím satisfied with the overall direction of my life. I donít look in the mirror and think, "Iím perfectly wonderful, beautiful; life is merry and bright!" There are lots of things I want to do better, but it does not ruin the big picture of who I am, where I am. I will not rush to be elsewhere, or someone else. I want to notice todayís lessons and blessings. Iím seeking to daily live out God's will.
I am once again late for bed. I know the sunshine is creeping up around the earth waiting for the precise moment to trigger my clockís alarm. The radio will come on and voices will either be singing or talking. My brain will immediately be forced awake, and my dreams will be flushed down the drain of fictional memories. Monday mornings are difficult. The weekend teased me into relaxation just to be shoved back into another work week. Soon I will be saying hello to a new day. But tonight is still here. I am once again late for bed.
i want to write something brilliant but my body is tired tonight. chasing after toddlers for 8 hours is exhausting. i met a friend for dinner earlier whom i havenít seen in awhile. i was comfortable being there. we talked about work, men who we tried to pursue but didnít want them in the end, our educational histories and why we left our former small group. my social anxiety is much less intrusive now. i actually had a calm, enjoyable conversation! thatís the 2nd successful major social outing iíve attended in less than a week! it really is a miracle.
Thank you Lord for waking me up again. I needed Your breath in my lungs. You always know what to say. When I am sure i am dry,Your love satisfies. What else can I give You but these scattered words? This is my simple response to a life of saving grace. In this moment I can only be grateful for all that You pour into me. Tonight You made me feel special. I saw in a moment just how much I need You. I remembered all over again what it feels like to be touched by Your illuminating Spirit.
Splendid in appearance
No greater Light
Illuminates my life
Holiest King of hearts
Renewing with Fire
Breathing in surrender
I become clean
Strength of soul
I am awakened
Heaven is alive
Your angels move
with glorious purpose
All around You is
Humble and Certain
You are entirely Ready
Freedom is mine
All-knowing in mind
Wisdom flows out
I find guidance
Relieving thirsty souls
Filling the emptiness
I am content
The universe bleeds Passion
Every atom cries Glory
Your kingdom shouts
the Highest Promise of
How can I resist the night? Awake in my creativity. Body half asleep. Mind swirled around. Everything is quiet. I finally have time to breathe. But time does not stop and the sun will be coming fast. I will be late for work again. But it is hard to stop thinking stop creating stop dreaming. All day Iíve been productive in things I have to do. Now I have the time to do what I want to do. I love my job, I do things I love there as well, but the basic motivation is the paycheck. Sleep is neccessary.
Somewhere has been hiding under my bed
i am not asleep i am not alone
i lay down here a long time ago
all these years iíve been stuck in my head
sometime as a child i put True Life in a box
i did not turn away i did not deny faith
i simply forgot on the Lord I must wait
so much time dependent on my own clock
Suddenly i fell out of my dreamless death
i can now breathe again i can now see
i am facing the Illuminated Mystery
just as before He quickens my breath
I donít really feel like writing anything dramatic or thoughtful. I just want to go to bed. The past few nights of staying up late has left me exhausted. I took a nap today. It was about two hours long. And I am still tired. I didnít do half of the things I really needed to do today. I keep trying to pretend like I can be all creative at night and then have a normal schedule all day. But Iím tired and all of my writing seems like it is about needing rest. So, I will go sleep now.
i found a song that i really like and i keep playing it over and over again. i canít stop listening to this amazing song. it is truly an experiece to be in the middle of the music and lyrics. both are so compatible. itís inspiring to be able to have a song like that come into my life and take hold of me. it is a very spiritual song and it allows me to feel close to God just by listening. music is so powerful. sometimes it takes a song to describe the feelings and thoughts inside the soul.
today i finally got the newsletter done for the infants, toddlers and twos. i really worked hard on it and am happy with the results. it feels good to be creative like that in my job. i really do have a lot of creativity in my life right now and it definately makes me a lot happier. i wish i didnít have so many kids in my room though. itís harder to get things done and harder to do projects because they all want to be at the same place at the same time which usually doesnít work very well.
Tonight I am a link in the chain of diamonds
Streets filled with brilliant moving lights
Everybody tries to get somewhere good
Longing for beauty to shine, we drive on
Some of us go into Your house of radiance
Sitting in rows like gemstones on display
Everything You say is something good
Craving Your beautiful ways, we dance
Well, thatís all I can come up with. Maybe I can finish it later. Or maybe itís already finished. Maybe this is all that is needed. Yes, I think it says all that I wanted to share. True beauty matters to God.
Oh yay, another Valentines day. Actually it was okay. I especially enjoyed putting together the kidsí cards for their parents and for each other. The collages turned out wonderful So many pretty colors and hearts and textures. One of my co-workers said, ďit looks like love!Ē I thought that was a very appropriate comment. Thatís what I was working towards when I had the kids do the collages in the first place. I love watching kids create. I love creating things too. And I love appreciating the creativity that God worked into the earth. Beauty is stunning because of Him.
Iím once again amazed with Godís faithful hands. The hands that made everything out of nothing, the hands that hold me close when Iím losing hope. The hands that paint marvelous sunsets to see on my way home. His hands have embraced my hands and led me into the exact places where I need to be today. I know when God speaks to me because people and messages synchronize. Itís happening again and itís beautiful. I love the way He repeats things so I wonít miss Him. Sometimes I get distracted, but I always end up in His faithful hands.
I woke up all airy and chipper. You know, the feeling of being like a floating cloud or some sort of dorky analogy. Itís nice to feel good and have sunshine in the sky. If only the brrrr cold would be gone, then, perfection. I shouldnít be so picky. Some people love feeling like Frosty the Snowman. Well, I donít melt when the sun comes out. A few years ago I was in love with the moon and tried to be dramatically gothic-y. I was a lousy goth wannabe. Both the sun and the moon are important for my well-being.
how fortunate am i to be in a state of internal social repair. to be able to speak to people with whom i would ordinarily not want to closely associate is a magnificent accomplishment. i was not cruel, cold or necessarily judgmental. no, i was fearful of the outcomes of social interactions. i cannot claim that i am now fully healed of my fears and doubts. but i am living my life anyway. i am going and being and doing and seeing people and places and colors and faces. and that makes me richer than i ever could have dreamed.
the way with words in my heart determines the depth of volume in every song i write. am i loud or singing underneath a blanket of secrecy? are my words authentic or am i making up lyrics hoping today will not be what i canít stand to accept? do i even want to sing a song or just be happy inside the fantasy of idealistic harmonies? is it possible to sing without using my body to catapult notes straight to You? maybe i can just use my own internal orchestra to cause an ascension of worship into Your heavenly room.
i really donít have anything more to say right now. i am not in the mood to write. i am tired and had a long day and had to get up early and just want to go away from the computer. i am grumpy and sleepy and probably currently possess some other feelings represented by the 7 dwarfs. i wish i was on vacation. not neccessarily going anywhere, just wish i had nothing to do this week. but i have a lot to do and iím not on vacation. sometimes i miss summer breaks. but i definately donít miss school.
wow, do i ever need to sleep. i am so tired i canít think straight. so this is a bad time to write. but i have to do it now so it will just have to be boring. at least it is writing. at least i am saying something. i actually organized the piles of books and papers around my apartment. i didnít finish filing, but things sure look a lot nicer. the next thing is cleaning my bathroom sink. i will do that later this week. i would say tomorrow, but i donít know if that will really happen.
Ugh, the kids stressed me OUT of my mind today. At one point I had to tell everyone to stop and I screamed. There were crying kids, kids that wouldnít transition well, and three teachers talking to me at once. My brain couldnít process it all. I was in sensory overload mode today. Mysterious poop smell in one specific point of the classroom, loud crying, too many kids running around and toys on the floor. Kids climbing all over me and literally pushing me down and pinning me to the floor by laying on my back and my neck. EEEeeeeek.
I am still hopelessly addicted to 43things.com. I probably spend more time reading and writing about goals that actually accomplishing them. Well, that may indeed be so, but I am reaching more goals than I did before I found 43things.com. It does help to focus on what I want to do and be in life. Even if all I do is make one small step a day I am much better off for doing so. That is how I choose to live anyhow. Just take life a small bit at a time because any more causes much anxiety and confusion.
The Number 23 is an interesting movie. I saw it on opening night with my sister. I thought it would be a fun idea to see the late night showing; indeed, I was right. Jim Carrey is certainly expanding his movie roles. He has impressed me with this most recent film. The story has a great plot line and I did not expect what happened at the movieís end. I do love movies about stories that come alive. Of course, The Neverending Story is the greatest example of this concept in my own opinion. This new movie is also wonderful.
I said something this morning I wish I could take back. It is frustrating to be able to rewind fictional stories on my DVD player, yet be unable to step backwards in my own life. I do not think I would like to travel very far back in time. Some days a minute erased and rewritten would make a huge difference. People that I talked to afterwards did not seem to think what I said was a big deal. I am unsure. Maybe it was not much. It does not change the fact that I wish I said something else.
I finally got a haircut today. Vines previously weaved down my head, swallowing my ears. I wanted to get hedge clippers and destroy the overgrowth myself. But a hair salon is a far better place for such things. The worst part were the curls that began to blossom on my neck. Gross. I was embarrassed to walk out into the open air of earth this morning. I felt the ugliness of the thicket above my eyes and wished no one could see me. This afternoon I visited the place of head landscaping and my hair was cut. Joy at last!
Stepping up is difficult, for it causes some discomfort. Yet, itís the only direction that will elevate. This seems obvious, easy to conclude. But, resistance is within persons of little confidence. Efficiency is going up quickly. Feet rise, lower, carrying the self to the height desired. The fearful use more energy. The feet rise... halt... jerk backwards. If a foot rests on the higher step, the body may refuse to be carried forward. ďGo!Ē Some wait at the top for those behind. Only the accomplished can see how free the climbers will be when they step up and embrace elevation.
tonight i came home, put on my pajamas, turned on dr. phil (prerecorded) and started to make dinner. and then i realized there was no running water in my apartment. sigh. so, i packed up and went to mom and dadís house to spend the night. i am fortunate to have a backup place to go to, but what a hassle to have to go somewhere else after getting comfortable. my parents live closer to my work than i do, so i had to go back the way i came earlier in the evening. oh well, they did have water!
my head is spinning because i am up too late and my body is worn out from all of the craziness of getting things done. i spent the better part of this evening getting organized for work. i have so much paperwork to do for my classroom! between observing the kids and keeping track of attendance, creating lesson plans, writing up accident reports, and keeping up with my own schedule, things get quite overwhelming. so i went to walmart and bought a bunch of fun office supplies like notebooks and markers and dividers to make my job a lot easier.
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