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I feel like opening up. My wings, my eyes, my heart, my soul. I want it all to spill out, and be recorded. Just those raw moments of emotion when I am lying there with no sound save the soft, gentle chords of Josh Groban seemingly flying through the air, and feeling that I cannot go on. I know I must go on. I have no choice, I want to, so I do. The only question left is: who is it that I open up to? Who do I go on to find? It must be someone here. Is it?
None of them see it. I'm not blaming them. It's not for them to see. There is one out there who will see it no matter how I hide it. I believe that when I find him, I will feel no need to hide it. I once felt that: no need to hide. Gradually, it all slipped away. I was left with my soul, bare to him and only him. He knew me. He held me, in a sense, and I wanted nothing else. I simply longed for more of him. Little else mattered.
Find me. Complete me. Hear me.
I just read someone's journal and had to write something. I don't know what. I just had this urge to write.
She talked about meeting her love. She is lucky. God, why is it now? Why does it come down to this, what I thought I was ready for. I'm not. I still miss him.
He won't come back, so why do I go through this? It is not merely a matter of letting go. I spoke with someone about that earlier; he understands it. Why do others not? I cannot let go of something that was part of me.
Every time he gets cut off, I break down. I can't stop it. The tears come and it's uncontrollable.
It's days like this that make me look back on my life and wonder how I got through it.
It's been like this since I came back here; it's becoming very apparent. I feel as if no one would notice if I didn't even come back. Everyone sits there and talks, and they all have a place. I am left to myself: just have to sit there and content myself with my thoughts; it is not an easy thing to accomplish.
"Big Star" -Kenny Chesney
She was aware of her insecurities as she took the stage She was convinced if she got up there that she'd be discovered someday
So she belted it She hit the high notes fearlessly Oh she melted them, as she brought them to their feet
She was a big star at Banana Joe's bar where She sang karaoke everynight She said if you work hard to get where you are it feels good in the hot spot light She was a big star………………………………..
She signed autographs like she was Garth Brooks in a skirt
"No one ever told me that grief feels so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." -CS Lewis ("A Grief Observed") written after his wife died.
I just came across that quote today for the second time. I had forgotten how much I loved A Grief Observed. It is true, as well. I cannot imagine going through the death of someone like that, a spouse. Losing Darian was hard enough, and he is not even gone from the earth.
And the way she thinks sometimes,
Out of nowhere, she blows my mind.
She makes me laugh and makes me dream.
I love the way she looks at things.
A little piece of heaven God gave to this world.
She might think she's just an ordinary girl,
But you can't hide beautiful.
You can't hide wonderful.
There's nothing that she has to do,
It just comes natural.
She makes it look easy.
I love what she does to me.
No way to disguise,
The way that she shines.
You can't hide beautiful, oh no.
(Oh, how I love song lyrics!)
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand -
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep - while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream? -E.A. Poe
^I keep coming across things that I have saved and forgotten. I always wanted to read the whole "Dream Within a Dream" thing.
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow -
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if Hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream. -Poe
^Yesterday I put the last half; I thought I'd do the first half today. Too bad it's larger than 100 words: I wanted to post it all in one entry.
I am almost dreading the 14th. Yes, Valentine's Day. I know that everyone looks forward to it, for they use it as a day to truly express their love. Yet I have no one, and it's not exactly pleasant to look around and see others together. Not without him. Even if he were mine, and not here, I could still handle this. But he is not. In fact, no one is. That is what hurts to most. That I have none of them, not when it comes down to it. Holding, smiling, laughing, teasing…. I miss those things about him.
Chris:: he'll think your crazy/eccentric
Me: he probably already thinks that
Me: my aunt is insane...
Chris: see, it runs in the family
Me: no, i mean, she says scooby doo is demonic
Chris: that's not insane
Chris: that's just stupidity
Me: i know, really
Chris: if you want to count the ghosts and all
Chris: that may be borderline ignorance
Me: she's the one who says HP is evil and all this junk..D&D, MTG...the works
Chris: ....she has now taken my place as the most evil person
^more old things… that conversation's really old, but it made me smile.
And now: yet another old conversation. I didn't realize I had this many of them! Aric is pretty fun!
Me: my mom wants me to do something really quick, but not now...
Me: eh, i dunno. she says it'll only take like 2 or 3 minutes...but with her you never know
Aric: "Reshingle the roof!"
Me: wouldn't put it past her!
Aric: "Darn this basket of socks!"
Me: lol, i'd do the white socks with black thread, red socks with green thread...etc, etc
Aric: That'd be fuuuuny
Me: she'd probably become very upset after..;)
The statement of the day comes from Chris: the couch is the bane of my sleeping life.
Erm, I don't really know why I put that in here. Partially because I can't think of anything to say, and need something to take up some space. I think I wrote myself all out this morning at like 3:00 am. I had to go stay at my aunt's house and couldn't get to sleep. I wrote about 3 or 4 pages about Tobias, Vincent, and my former Muse. It actually helped sort some things out, but left me feeling a bit empty….
Happy Valentine's Day. You'd think that on this day, of all days, I would have something to say, but I do not. I was planning to post something in here I had written, but words fail me. I did not think on him too much today, except for a moment in English. We were watching A Raisin in the Sun (strange/ stupid play), and it was just the whole atmosphere, with the lights out and all…. It was lonely, in a sense. Everyone else seems to be having a good day, though, so that, at least, is good for them.
Today I actually have something to say. Good news, for that matter. I wrote two poems: one for Vincent, after he said some things to me, and another about… well, waiting, in a sense, and he who will come to take me away and sweep me off my feet. That would be a pleasant thing to think on if it were not for the fact that he is not here at this moment. I know he will be, and it IS only a matter of waiting…. But it is still not that pleasant. Oh well: such is life, I guess.
Is it just me, or does this completely sound like a conversation I would have with Chris? Gosh, I love Caroline in the City! Too bad they cancelled it, yes?
CAROLINE: Good morning, Richard.
RICHARD: Ugh, not so far. I just took the A-train from hell. Seated on my left was a sticky eight-year-old with a water pistol, while on my right, an elderly gentleman, for reasons known only to him and his god, was attempting to give me a haircut against my will.
CAROLINE: Hey, your day can only get better.
RICHARD: You're obviously not familiar with my life.
"Last time I talked to you,
you were lonely and out of place.
You were looking down on me,
lost out in space.
Laid underneath the stars,
strung out and feeling brave." -Our Lady Peace
I have had a desire lately to listen to that song. I should download some more Our Lady Peace. Darian got me to listen to "Clumsy" and "Superman's Dead", but I want to find some more. Perhaps purchase the cd? I would if there weren't so many other great cds that I want right now. "August and Everything After" for example… also suggested by him.
And today we get a list of cds that I really really want, since I was just re-reading yesterday's entry:
Room for Squares -John Mayer
August and Everything After -Counting Crows
Come Away With Me -Nora Jones
Golden Road -Keith Urban
Who I Am -Jessica Andrews
A Matter of Time -Jason Sellers
UNDERNEATH -Hanson (okay, so it isn't out yet, but that doesn't change the fact that I want it)
That new Darryl Worley cd (I can't remember the name right now)
II -Brad Paisley
Melt -Rascal Flatts
Okay, so there are a lot more… I'm not thinking.
Happy birthday to Jared! Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen; It's Jared's birthday! *does her little birthday day* (Allright; I don't have a birthday dance… but it sounds like fun!) I haven't talked to him in awhile. I should likely send him a card or something. We are going to go to my aunt's today, and I don't think their internet works, so I would have to do that now. And I am lazy… so yeah, it won't be happening. Maybe my mom will be cool and let me call him… not all that likely, but I like to dream.
Poems poems poems! That is almost all I have to say! I wrote two of them today, and I am so very proud! I mean, really like the finished products. It has been quite awhile since I've been this pleased with something I've written. They aren't exactly the happiest things, but I do love them so. One was written while thinking of Tobias: the other while imagining my future with… well, my husband. I usually wind up liking my rhyming ones better, but one of them is free-style, and I find myself favoring it over the other. *grins very happily*
Is it so wrong for me to be happy that they are coming back? Or atleast, I was happy. My mother has been in an increasingly bad mood, and I cannot quite figure out why. It is rather hard to be glad when she is unhappy They are coming back, thought. They should be here Monday. I am happy, yet in a way, I am sad. I know that they wanted to be up there, but things are not working out. *sighs*
To make this all so much better (yes, sarcasm), I have been thinking about him even more lately.
My dreams were troubled last night, and for once I am glad I cannot remember them. They were filled with images of him, and it's still hard to think on him.
Valiant is online. He said he was going to call, but he's on, so we're talking now. If he had called, my mother would have kept asking why he wanted to talk to me and then she would tell me to get off the phone. That is how it always happens. I suppose when they return it will seem more natural because he can call for one of them......
I am speaking with Dylan. (No, he has not agreed that nickname, but I have been going for about 10 minutes trying to pick one he likes, -see below- and since I can't find on, and his friends already decided he is Dylan, so.... yes, Dylan works well.) So anyway, he is pretty fun. I haven't really talked to him in awhile except when she "saved" me from Rachel and Legolas. *grins* Gotta love Dylan. Okay, wait, now he is Astin. Ohhh... that's Sean's (Sam Gamgee) last name!
Wow, I just realized that Sean Ashmore is in X-Men! Wow again.
Mat: well, we played a show in Blacksburg Sat night
Mat: and when we got home we discovered that our band practice area, as well as everyone's car were under water
Me: oooh....that is definitely not good
Me: and Darian's too? oh wait... too much to hope for =D
Mat: no the sound business that our guitar player has with the drummer next door lost about $30,000 worth of equipment.................and yes his car was nearly completely submerged
Me: that's terrible (sorry, i was just kidding... now I feel a little bit bad)
Whoops… I'm terrible, aren't I? *frowns*
Wow, guess what everyone? TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY! I am so excited; I really hope that it turns out for the best. My mom is supposed to call Tidehaven tomorrow morning to check on the whole visiting during lunch thing, (yay!) but I don't see why they should have a problem with it and neither does Vincent. So it's looking like things will be all right. And then my party is Friday. I still don't know how many people are coming, but it will be pretty fun either way… unless it turns out to be like another day at school.
All I wanted was one happy day. I didn't ask for it to be perfect. I wanted half an hour to spend with my friends: that was all. But I can't have it. I can't even have a decent day. I'll explain. Second period some kid decided he was going to hit me in the head with a ball... for the fourth time. ...hit me 4 times this year: once today. He almost tried for a second time. Gosh, I don't get people like that. Richard made a bad decision to fling gum in my hair. I didn't see Vincent.
In case any of you are wondering, Daredevil was incredible: much better than anticipated. I want to buy the soundtrack. I know where my birthday money is going to.
At any rate, I do hope to have a good turnout. And to Delirious Yet: you're probably better off not celebrating your birthday. It's not so much the party that turns out badly, it's the day of the actual birthday... And speaking of that, I had 3 or 4 people who thought my birthday was today. *shakes head* I don't get that, but anyway... I have to go to sleep now.
The party was so much more fun than expected. However, I don't wish to speak on that now. I just wanted to say a few words because I am trying to update atleast once a day. Tomorrow will bring a guest list, present list, and general highlights! So atleast that gives someone out there something to look forward to.
Tobias couldn't come. But Madison gets funnier every time I talk to him.
I need to go unpack presents, but I will be certain to write tomorrow... after I complete my English questions for Farenheit 451, or however you spell that.
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