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My first day at 100 Words; got here through some girl's website. I find it very interesting. I wonder if I will be able to do this. I will have to be online for a few minutes once a day and will have an excuse for it. Perhaps another person I know will to do this too. Chris, maybe? He might like a challenge. The thing is I have to do is remember to get on this site every day. It's always worth a try. 100 words does not seem enough, but that is why I have my regular journal.
Tyler, whose work I read on Post Poems, e-mailed me back. He wrote 2 amazing new poems, and I tell you what, he has talent. More than I have seen in a long time. I have not read anything like his poetry in a long time. (But then, I have been neglecting my online reading.) I wonder if he and I could become friends; I hope so. From what I gather, he believes in God and is just looking for the one to spend the rest of his life with. I really hope that he finds her; Surely he will.
Reasons yesterday was a great day:
I talked to Mat, and laughed tons.
I met a new friend, Sebastian, who is currently reading Atlas Shrugged.
Shadow and I had a lively conversation.
I spoke with Joe for a few moments.
I listened to several Hanson cds and Monty Python. (hilarious, as always!)
Reasons yesterday was a little off:
When I was talking to Joe, his mother pulled the phone plug out of the wall for no reason. I am worried for Joe, though he says he okay. I find it hard to believe, but I pray that it is true.
I know that if I do not write this now, it will never get done. Yesterday turned out not to be quite so bad, which, again, was surprising. I am hoping today does the same. I spoke with Shadow again, and.....Joe called! That is what had me really excited. I was sitting there, watching Stargate, and the phone rang; it was him. Surprise! He and his brother were heading back from Blockbuster. They had just seen Lord of the Rings. Apparently, Joe fell asleep during the movie, as it was his second time seeing it, and everyone laughed at him!
I have heard the most incredible song. Well, I have been following Carter's website for quite awhile, hoping he would update; he is an amazing writing. He hasn't updated, but I have been trying to find some music to listen to by him. And I have found one of the songs whose lyrics were on the site. "Maybe In Time" by Torn is wonderful. I would suggest that everyone goes out and listens to it. It just makes me want to cry. I have had it on repeat since last night, and *melts*. It's almost as impressive as Josh Groban.
first day back at school, or rather, back at Palacios. It was nice to see everyone, almost like being back in eighth grade all over again. I have discovered that most people remember me, and Dustin has become very depressed. That is not good. I mean, he is such a great guy, but he thinks that he can't do anything, which is so far from the truth. At any rate, I don't think I am going to like Geometry (I have Tony and Danny in the class, which is good, but the teacher doesn't have a very effective teaching method.)
HeWhoComesWTDawn: and then i will do it
WayGate64: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! mom would kill me, but hhhmmm...now, if my BROTHER wants to...how about I send the book , you get it signed, then I just send a money order of shipping back?
HeWhoComesWTDawn: that's fine, but be quick
WayGate64: hum...must ask my mom or brother! brb!
WayGate64: mother: "how do you know he's not just trying to get your book?"
me: "I WANT MY BOOK SIGNED"
her: "well, when is he going to be there"
me: "soon. can I?"
her: "I guess so.."
MY BOOK IS BEING SIGNED BY RJ!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to type fast: my sister is coming back. I just thought a lot last night, actually sort of argued with Aric… I don't like who I have become. I know that may not make any sense, as I have seemed so happy lately, but I don't like myself. I have been preaching to Joe and Ryan about how they should love themselves before others, and yet here I am, acting so that others will approve of me. I have been a fool …. . There's a lot more it to: I will write more on the subject tomorrow.
Justin didn't mail my books today to get signed. I wonder if he even wants them signed. I checked on prices, and since they have to be there in 6 days, I now have to pay for 2-day shipping in order to get them there in time, as ordinary shipping takes around 6 days, and I want to make sure they are definitely there by the 16th. *Sigh* I am trying not to think too much about myself right now, but I know I must face this all some time, but as the saying goes, it's better sooner than later.
Yes, it is me. I have become addicted to 8bitjoystick.com. I was looking for a shirt that said "capitalist pig" so that I wouldn't have to actually make one myself, and I came upon the site. It had a reference to Wil Wheaton. Ah, how I love Wil Wheaton. At any rate, I have been reading the journal there, and enjoyed most of it immensely. (Especially the "What if Hollywood Made LotR" parody.) On another note, Joe will be getting online very soon; I am anxious to speak with him. Another note: Lord of the Flies is a disturbing book.
According to your file, you're a psychopathic personality with schizophrenic delusions suffering from recurring amnesia based on traumatic repression leading to outbursts of anti-social and violent behavior.
----John steed to Mrs. Peel on The Avengers. Today we decided to watch a corny movie, hence the odd quote. The movie is hilarious: cliché, but funny. Funny in the way the old Batman movies are. So if you're in the mood for a good laugh, you can watch. Sean Connery is the antagonist....Sean Connery in a kilt. *shudders* Not a pleasant thing, but, thank goodness, I believe it can be overlooked.
Ever have one of those days where everything just seems to go wrong... well, today wasn't one of those. Talking to a guy who at a bus pass, while singing "Mr. Tambourine Man", and reading Crossroads of Twilight by Robert Jordan...must be an omen, mustn't it? My sister is standing behind me, wanting to finish reading her Caroline in the City fanfiction, yes, definitely an omen. Has anyone looked outside recently, because I haven't. Is the world ending? No? Oh well, maybe that's too much for this little-bitty omen to handle. *wry grin* Maybe I'll end this now; sweet dreams.
Joe was supposed to call tonight. I have heard nothing from him. I, however, shall be happy with the fact that I talked to him for over an hour online. That was wonderful. I also spoke with Ryan and Shadow. Joe cracks me up sometimes, and yet at other times, can make me want to cry as strongly as anything. I must learn to understand, or atleast handle, that. Mat was on and listened to Torn. That was nice, and he says he saw Darian Saturday...nothing else about him. Though I am not sure whether that is good or bad.
Okay, I know, it's after 10:00, and normally I would be in bed almost asleep, but I had to enter these words. It's getting to the point where I am so busy that I do not have time for my internet. When I have time, it seems someone is always on and not willing to give theirs' up. Last night was a nice exception; spending hours talking to Joe was nice, though it brought worries.
"My muse is gone,
Will he return,
To take me by the hand,
My knight is gone,
Was he not sworn?
Allegiance 'til the end."
Well, it's 12:36, just let the world end,
So I won't hear what's nigh to be said,
Time must cease, so I don't fall,
Into the daunting valleys ahead,
Shadows recede, defeated by light,
So I'm not abandoned, weeping in the dark,
Arms embrace, and kisses heal,
So I'll not from this world depart.
Imparting songs, as fill my soul,
With every tender chord,
The seas of fury, which tear my heart,
Dash against the fleeting shore.
Falling back; no sword to fight,
Against this monstrous beast,
I liken it to fear itself,
But behold, a light in the east.
Joe scares me...I mean honestly, truthfully scares me. I don't know of any other way to put it. He says he escapes into another world, loses sense of his conscience, turns it off. I couldn't do that…it scares me that he can. I want to take him away from it, hold him, let him know it will be okay. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to live the way he does, that he can leave, but I doubt he would listen. Perhaps there is no way to take him away from it...perhaps....but I will dream of it.
Yesterday was the day of the book signing. I have not spoken with Scott to ask if he got the books signed, or even if he GOT the books. I fear my mother will be very upset in either of those cases. I just hope that he got them signed, or atleast one of them. *smiles* I wonder if he will be online tonight; I would very much like to speak to him. School was okay; Dustin made me laugh so hard i was crying, and he was laughing as well... only, I cannot remember what we were laughing about.
"someone I am,
is waiting for my courage,
the one I want,
the one I will become,
will catch me,
so let me fall,
if I must fall,
I won't heed your warnings,
I won't hear.....
let me fall,
if I fall,
there's no reason,
to miss this one chance,
this perfect moment.....
just let me fall"
-Josh Groban, "Let Me Fall"
Does anyone else find that they want to cry when they hear this song? He has another song, "Vincent", That makes me think of Joe. I actually do cry when I hear it. I probably shouldn't so often.
And when no hope was left in sight,
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life,
As lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you…………
The silver thorn, a bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow,
Now I think I know,
What you tried to say to me,
And how you suffered for your sanity,
And how you tried to set them free,
They would not listen,
They're not listening still,
Perhaps they never will.
-"Let Me Fall" yesterday…. above is of "Vincent"
Scott asked me if I received the books….but I have not. (unfortunately) I don't believe he got them signed, as I got an e-mail from him containing an apology and an explanation that they only allowed 2 books per person and they wouldn't personalize them anyway. *sighs* I do hope that I get them back safe and sound, even if they are not signed. At any rate, they should be here soon. Ah well, that is life. Joe has started an online journal…. It gives me some something to read from him even when he is not on to talk.
Okay, the books arrived today…and….. THEY ARE SIGNED!!!!!! *dances around some* I am so very happy! I even scanned and put it on my website. And we got the Mustang working yesterday, which is great! (Now we have something to drive to school in besides my dad's old truck.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I am HAPPY! Lol, I know that's repetitive, but man, I am excited. I hope the day gets better…well, it can always happen. I just want to talk to Ryan and Joe. That should be even more wonderful. It'll make the day the best I have had in a awhile.
ardor- what Joe says he feels for me
uncertainty- what I feel for Joe
lonely- what I'm feeling in general
hope- one of the only things I dare not give up
freedom- what I wish I was feeling
uninspired- what I'm feeling in relation to my writing
Honestly, words cannot describe what I am feeling at this moment. I'm to the point where I could do/ say anything, as long as it would bring back my happiness. I should be able to, with His help, but it would be a difficult road to travel... am I prepared for the harshness?
I skipped school today. No, I wasn't sick. No, I didn't have an appointment. I just didn't feel like going. I wanted rest, and I didn't really get any. I watched ST: Insurrection, Unbreakable, and The Princess Bride. All were fun..... I wrote a new poem: a rather depressing one, but I like the way it turned out. I shall likely go to bed soon, as I need the extra 20 minutes of sleep. Especially since I have to get up early and take a shower and dry my hair. Tomorrow is Career Day at school. That.... might be fun.
I miss him. Don't know who I'm talking about? That's okay; I don't either. It's not really a person; it's more my idea, dream of a person. He was never real. Then again, perhaps that fantasy is still out there, like a fairytale book waiting to be opened and waiting for someone to fall into it and live. But sooner or later, as we all know, that fairytale fades. It fades into shadows and tears and pain. I like to think that my fairytale is out there, waiting alongside my happily-ever-after, for me to come and walk arm-in-arm with it.
Darian once said to me.....: "I too have moments that feel as if the world would simply crumble and fade away if I could not have your touch in that very instant, yet as it all subsides I realize that I did not receive what I desired but that none the less it still exists there before me, something to be wanted but not obtained." *shakes head, sighing* I have been re-reading his e-mails to me....nostalgia can be a wonderful thing. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile. He was an incredible person, to say the least.
I dreamed of Darian.... I was sitting in the house, and decided to call him. (Something, I might add, that I would never do...not now.) So we talked a little, and things just seemed normal, as they would between friends. And I mentioned something that had happened when we were together and how it had made me unhappy, and he said, "But we were together..." and that's where that part ended. We had silence for a few moments, and I asked if I could ask him a question..... he said he had to go.... and the conversation was over.... *sigh*
*setting: a bar; a woman and a man are sitting at the counter*
Man: *walks up to woman* Hi.
Woman: Hi, I'm Alex. Are you Brad?
Woman: Oh. Blind date.
Man: Sorry, Alex.
*car pulls up outside, license plate says "The Brad" and the guy looks all 80's with the pimp jacket*
*Brad enters the bar*
Man: *walks up to Brad* You must be Brad.
Man: I'm Alex.
(actual) Alex: So what is your name?
Cute, no? There was also a cute Pepsi ad with The Osmonds, The Osbournes, and Florence Henderson. *laughs happily*
I didn't go to school today. Believe it or not, I am actually sick. I have headaches, sore throat, cough, running nose… the works. It is definitely NOT fun. I hope I feel better tomorrow, but I doubt there will be much of an improvement. I have decided to blame it all on Dustin, as he was sick and I was talking to him all day (yesterday) and when I got home, is started to feel sick. So yes, it is fault. I talked to Jon today. (online) That was nice. I've been talking to him a lot more lately.
I won't tell you that I miss you. You must know it. I won't tell you that I want you. You know that, as well. I won't tell you that I love you. I don't know if I do. But what I will tell you is that I feel like we never came to an end. Do you feel that? No? I often wonder if you do. I don't think so.
It was a painful dream. He was with another. He saw me. He looked at me. Our eyes met. He was indifferent. He returned to her. He didn't care.
She's doing it again. She's trying. She can't seem to realize I can control myself. I don't throw myself at every older guy who comes along. She doesn't trust me. I haven't done anything, but that is still understandable. All I am asking for is a little trust. Not full. I can understand why she wouldn't want to give it to me. But she goes on about him, how he is such a nice person. And yet she worries when I talk to him. Point? I don't think there is one. We purchased a Suburban. I am happy with it.
I see certain sites and I realize how pathetic my design-skills are.... *sighs*
<3 hasn't been on yet. I wonder if he will be.
He took my hand today. It sent shivers up my spine. For some reason. I hid them. He stood behind me during the pictures. His hand was on my shoulder. It brought me an odd sort of pleasure. I don't feel for him. It was simply nice to have someone near.
I don't know if he wishes to be near. I do not know if anyone really does. I simply desire it above most all else.
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