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I never liked being friends with chicks. Chicks would suck all they could out of you and use it against you to the best of their ability. No wonder most guys are afraid of us. We’re manipulative and evil, and I don’t blame gay guys one bit. But she hated girls for the same reasons I did. Because they turn everything into a competition, they have to be better then you all the time. I did see this happening with her, but because I’m not that kind of girl, I ignored it. Everything with her was so magical. Yeah right.
I'm not normally the kind of person that sits and talks on the phone for hours on end. But when I do talk on the phone, it's usually to someone who I don't normally speak to in person. And when I talk to one particular person on the phone, you couldn't get me to hang-up if you killed me. We'd be ourselves while we just talked like we had all the time in the world, but once he knew that it was about time to hang up, his voice would get really soft and sweet, like he’s singing a lullaby.
Shawn and Jamie are sharing the couch/bed/loveseat thing. And I figured out why I feel like everything sucks. And you know too. Some of the words I want to say are beyond me. Mostly because what I want to say cannot be expressed with words. Not at all. Running away sounds so tempting that if I had the means I would do it in an instant. But I don't, so I can't. And I long for the day when I can. "When I finally find something I deserve, It's just far enough out of my reach to keep me miserable."
The warm violins fade into the song. Slowly the cello comes in and hums along with the bass line. Soon the violins begin to sing his voice softly, then louder as each note begins to mimic a word of the song. I don’t even notice anymore that this is an instrumental version, because with the violins, every word is still in my mind as if they are singing the song instead of only playing it. Soon I hear the violins stop singing and I know the song is almost over. It says, “I miss you.” Flicker, dim, fade to black.
Run, keep running, if you don't keep up, you'll fall far behind me and you won't like that very much because I know you like being one step ahead of me, but I'd rather be one step ahead of you, so we'll face off this way continually until either we stop, or someone falls so far behind that neither of us know where the other stands anymore. Even though I know I’ll always be one step ahead of you, and you’ll be one step ahead of me, even if that doesn’t make sense, it’s true. You have to keep up.
Sometimes sitting in silence with someone can be just as comfortable as having a conversation with them. I prefer to sit in silence with people while smoking a cigarette, and/or drinking coffee. It sounds so generic, I know. But I can’t help it. It’s where I’m most comfortable. In the silence, we’re both aware of the horrible things one or the other has been through, but we forget about them and set ourselves at ease. Too bad it can’t be real. But until it can actually happen, there’s a cigarette and a cup of coffee with your name on it.
I’m in love and always will be. Last night/Today/Tonight I decided that it would be a good idea to end this so-called friendship I have with people that don’t deserve my friendship. I think this is a good idea, and so do other people I’ve talked to about it. I only got halfway through the conversation I was having with him, and he had to go. I hope he understands that he was NOT a good friend to me in the slightest. When you offer material things for a good friendship… That’s not real. Well, not real enough for me.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about what I put in here. Mostly because I know it'll be viewable in a month or so. But what should I care? They're my one hundered words and I can do whatever I want with them, right? Right. So someone called me a vampire this morning. "Who is that? And why is she wearing sunglasses inside?" As I walk by. "She comes in like that every morning. She's a vampire." All I can do is smile. It's funny, this morning I was thinking myself, "Man. I really do look like her today."
I don’t understand what some people see in me that’s so wonderful. Then again, I don’t see what people don’t see in me that's so not wonderful at all. Basically, I don’t understand anyone’s feelings about me. I don’t understand their indifference, their hate, or their love for me. I’m so fucking cynical. It makes me sick. Can’t I just sit back and let it all happen? Why do I have to ask “Why?” Why do I have to over analyze things and think too much. And I am a fucking crybaby. I cry over the stupidest things. Fuck. 11:11.
Do you know what blacktop looks like under streetlights after it rained? Do you know how beautiful your best friend can be standing on it in platform boots and vinyl pants, wearing homemade fairy wings, dripping with glitter and love, smoking a cigarette and staring into the clouds looking for answers? I do. The wet blacktop looks like an endless puddle in the middle of an ocean at night, reflections of everything everywhere. It’s more fun to dance on then look at or ponder. And your best friend is the most beautiful creature at that moment. And you know it.
I'm kind of uncomfortable writing my 100 words infront of someone else, mostly because I'm afraid they might be like, "Huuuuhhhh???" when they read it over my shoulder. So I'm just going to rant about my night. Rented Life As A House and came over to Jamie's. We decided to wait for Shawn so we could go to Statesville Haunted Prison, which was cool, but the City of the Dead was really lame. Lame lame lame. Then we went and got a mountain of potatoes at the Truck Stop. And our waitress spilled water on Alan. Now off to Ryan's?
Sitting so close to him she can smell the cigarettes and stale cologne on him, he inches closer, but she inches further. He can’t touch her, she won’t let him. Not matter what he tries, it won’t work. She’s always an inch further then he wants her to be. And even if he tried something to keep her closer, she would always be that much further away. She bites her nails, and he lights up another cigarette, frustrated with her, yet again. She grins, knowing she’s won this little game again. Just count to five… One, two, three, four… No.
Coffee, cigarettes and good conversation. If every night could be like that, my life would be perfect. Of course, as long as you, my dear, were with me doing the same thing. Switching the sugar with the salt… I have never heard of anyone doing that before, or seen it, so I felt so original and cool. Man I’m awesome. How did I get to be so awesome? Oh yeah, I’m friends with Jamie. Just being around her makes me feel so good. Shawn is really cool too. Especially because of his lame ass jokes. Yeah. This is the life.
While clouds surround you, you’re warm and safe. No one can see everything that lies past them. You’re comfortable there, everything is moonlight and roses. Everything is room temperature. And depending on your tastes, you could be a warm little coffee bistro with dimmed lights and plenty of life inside smoking, talking, reading, and drinking coffees from around the world… and the whole place is surrounded by a thick fog. You can see people standing outside, but you don’t know what they’re doing there, and they can’t see what everyone inside is doing. Will you join me in my coffee-shop?
I cause nothing but trouble. But for now, there’s no trouble, and surprisingly, everything is back to normal. Everything is how it should be, for the most part. I should go to class. I really need to go to class. I can’t though. I want to stay here and wait until people come online so I can talk to them. I love waking up before everyone else, so I can greet them when they sign online. Usually that’s what they do first, so I can greet them with a cheerful, “Good MORNING. Tell me all about the dreams you had.”
Let’s get one thing straight, online journals are not personal, especially if other people can read them from their home computers, and are able to show your journal to other people if they wanted to. The only way your journal can be entirely personal, and private, is if you keep all of your personal, private words in a notebook that’s hidden carefully in the deep space of your bedroom, or a bank safe. On another note, Lisa got all A’s on her report card, and now I’m going to feel really shitty when my grades come. They are not good.
There’s a glitter sidewalk at movie lane at Loews in Bolingbrook. It’s beautiful. Jamie and I stared in awe at it. Then Shawn got pissed off because they wouldn’t let us see Texas Chainsaw Massacre, cause not all of us had IDs. So while we were leaving, he started ranting to the place about how he had snuck in nutty bars. And about how he’d like to shove them up their asses, and lick one side of them and stick it to the window. Jamie and I could not stop laughing. Shawn is the greatest. And I heart him muchly.
It's almost five am. It's been a very long night. But a good night. Seeing Taryn and Jamie together, laughing and talking about whatever the hell they wanted made me very happy. I coulda cried. It was like watching from the sidelines, but it didn't really matter. Things are back to normal and I'm very excited about that. I've been up too long. One hundred words is a lot of words. Maybe I could like use a bunch of words, and no conjunctions or anything. Is conjunction right? Like when you turn do not into don't? I don't know. Goodnight.
Headlights racing past open windows with the curtains pulled back the breeze blowing in, resurrecting yellow lady bugs and twisting curling cigarette smoke around before carrying it out the window with all the sounds of the night and crickets chirping and birds flapping and chirping back at each other and the water flowing through the river under the loud clanking one lane bridge calms everything and the wind blows through the trees and there are hundreds of new dead leaves on the ground in the morning that has no dew or frost and the wind keeps everything tranquil and cool.
Black and the insides of my eyelids when slowly as the knocks become louder and more frequent I see slits of black and red as my eyes focus on my alarm clock that says that it’s about 5pm and Mom’s voice says that there are people in the driveway, people she doesn’t know and people she doesn’t want to and so I go upstairs and there’s a pixie in a car with its top down and she says she wants to go on an adventure with cigarettes and coffee and cool Indian Summer air and swings and smoke smoke smoke.
Even a really shitty day can turn out to be accompanied by a really good night. I don’t know what I’d do without that kid. Probably be worse off then I was before. Probably wouldn’t be over Ryan. Probably would still be hurting myself over stupid situations that I shouldn’t put myself in. Probably wouldn’t have a plan for the future, probably wouldn’t have motivation. My car needs to be fixed before I can take it anywhere, so I don’t have to go to class in the morning, which is nice. But Ben made me forget most of that. *heart*
I put all of my dirty laundry in a basket, and I can finally see my floor. Except for the part where I dumped over and ashtray and didn’t clean it up. I made my bed so that my room looks like someone can live in it, not like someone had murdered someone in it. There are chocolate shavings and ashes on my bed in random sporadic places and I spray the bed down with some body oil spray called Tranquil Sleep. It smells marvelous and now I’m ready for sleep. You can stop now, because I love you anyway.
I ordered a large Chai Tea Frappachino and sat down to listen to a beautiful girl play her piano and sing with her lovely voice. I can hardly see my reflection in the window. I sip my Frappe and I miss Jason. The Frappe tastes like vanilla with a dash of mint. I see myself lift the cup to my lips and I see the reflection move too. I flinch because I don’t recognize myself for a few moments and start to believe that somehow I’m in someone else’s body. Then I remember I put my hair up. Crazy me.
As I’m sitting there, I look over and I see Taryn and Ryan standing close, just looking at each other. In that moment I look outside and Tom looks like Ben for a split second, and I start to really miss him. I act really nervous as if I’m waiting for him to show up, and I keep watching the window outside as if he actually is going to show up. Jenny leans over and asks if something’s wrong. I say no, but I’m lying. I keep wishing he was there. And I keep imagining that he’s just getting coffee.
I don’t believe in clothes after hours anymore. When I get home, I just wanna wear my robe and sit online and do nothing until I can’t hold my eyelids open anymore. Say goodnight to the proper people, and go to sleep. Yay for robes. This one is so comfortable too. It’s almost a kimono. I think it IS a kimono. I’m not sure. I think my mom got it in Hawaii when she went there when she was younger. …My foot smells like coffee. Must be because I stepped in the coke I spilled on my carpet. Mmm. Yummy.
Adult Swim was hilarious tonight. HILARIOUS. I loved it. Jamie and I laughed our asses off and then we laughed some more. Before we turned on Adult Swim we watched I Love The 80’s STRIKES BACK! And we all laughed cause the 80’s were funny. I don’t wanna get up in the morning cause this weekend feels like it’s been so long that it’s another summer, and I shouldn’t HAVE to wake up in the morning because it’s SUMMER DAMMIT! But it’s not, and I have class, so does Lisa… I wonder if I’ll go to Graphic Design this week.
So when I woke up today I woke up late and I still managed to get to school five minutes before class probably because it’s easier to judge how fast you need to go if you have the correct time on you watch or car radio clock but I got to class and didn’t do anything of importance anyway so I went home and watched a bunch of TV and went online and then I went to sleep for a while before I had to get up and go to Psych class and then off for cream flavored cigarettes. Yay.
I don't believe for a minute that no one has updated their journals since 2pm so that means that livejournal is messed up which means I probably won't be able to post this cause livejournal is gay like that. Fagtastic. I busted out my Good Charlotte CD off of my wall because I miss it, and because of this great song that I recognized, but didn't quite know who/what it was. My gum is stuck to my cigarette. That's lovely. I really don't have anything interesting to say for the day. Except, MAN IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HOSPITALIZE ROBERT.
So I’m driving on the highway, right, and there’s this car that’s been “racing” me since I got on at Route 30, and he swerves at me and honks his horn. I’m wondering what the hell his problem is, and he speeds away. I look around, and see a cop following close in my rear view mirror. I put on my blinker to get off at Weber Road and the cop turns on his lights. I’m like, “Just my luck, I’m late to class, and I’m getting a speeding ticket.” Because I knew for a fact I was doing 80.
The air was so clean and warm and driving with all the windows down felt so good considering she had been cooped up in the car for a couple weeks with cigarette smoke and no ventilation because of the cold but Indian Summer has come at the end of October just in time for Halloween and she’s driving in the country with the already fallen leaves dancing in the wind on the road and around her car and for a moment there are four leaves dancing in the passenger side seat, soon they fly out the window one by one.
So a dead emo kid, a slightly gothic kid, a glam rock kid, a pixie, a ghost and a fallen angel walk into a Jewel… And buy tons of candy. Especially Dove chocolate miniatures. Then they go to a house and turn on movies, then a hippie comes up and plays his gameboy while the glam kid pouts, and the fallen angel chases the hippie around the house, and finally everything quiets down and they watch a movie about time travel, and a movie, that had some crazy similarities to the first about a psycho-chick that wants friends. Happy Halloween.
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