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Why religion, why has this become the human condition. Why do we need to believe in something beyond our own personal relationship with god or whatever. Why do we need everyone else around us to believe what we do, adopt our ideology. I am not sure anyone else could handle thinking how I do and I know for sure I could not handle thinking like anyone else. I don't want any part of group where everyone is homogenized. I want everyone to do what they want as long as it does not in any way infringe on me. At all
How do you begin something that you know has no ending. No ending that is suitable to you, that makes sense, You have traveled through the turmoil but the epic conclusion only applies to part of your life, your personal life, your personal relationships. But the accomplishment portion of your life is still empty, your hollow. You have only tasted success but never followed through. You have seen what it can be like for you but you lack the drive, desire heart to make it a reality. How do you rise above fiction and find something explain your failure
I need to find a way to rise above my mediocrity, to show you what I am capable of. Give you something to be proud of, A reason to see me as a person, a viable alternative to the mundane life I have lived. Someone that has made the most of their talent, rather than squandered it away. Someone that uses inspiration to create, not to prove to themselves that they will never measure up to their own expectations. I need you to see me for me, but I would never ask you, I just hope some how you will
Last fall I let you go, I saw you in a way I never expected. The many years we spent together did not prepare me for what you gave me. And then before I could come down from my exaltation you were gone. The winter proved cold. Only memories and stories of you to hold on to. I longed to hear you, to smell you, to take you in completely. As the temperature rose my anticipation for your return overwhelmed me. Night became sleepless, my mind raced, I wondered what you held for me. What new experiences we would share
It frightened me to think of you not being here too far away, not within my call.. I just never know if I will be able to do the right thing for her, quell her cry, make her happy, laugh. I know inside of me I have what it takes to do these things but I wonder if times if I will find the way to call on that strength, knowledge. I know there is nothing more natural than me being her father but because of my own experiences I now that inclination can be lost., it must not be
A rage festers within me, making my body convulse with an unfettered glee. Giddy with its knowledge that it will soon explode releasing upon you a fetid bile that has simmered inside of me for years. Unleashed on you will be my fury. Unlike anything you have ever thought me capable of. You sit motionless wallowing in your own self obsessed pile of innuendo and passive aggressive drivel brought on by your realization of your impending total obsolence. I will help you come to grips with the reality that you have wasted away to nothing, nothing anyone wants, find relevant
I dreamt of a boy who would turn into a man and would radiate from within. Who would touch people with his capture of the world's soul. He would send out stories of well-crafted words and vibrant pictures painted from his visions. The masses would see this troubled misunderstood world in a different light; they would see the anguish trapped beneath its crust and down to its core. They would look through the visions to the soul of creation. If ever they were to meet this man they would see a strength, a desperation, a man driven by his message
Forgiveness eludes me, I can cloud my mind, give in to the need to move forward but I am haunted by my pervasive feelings of retribution, the need to strike back with multiplicity. At times it is in the moment, a direct reaction without forethought. Simply unbridled rage unleashed. At other times I take everything in, imbibe in the stench of betrayal and disappointment. I let it swirl around my head and blacken my heart, slowly eating away my ability to see beauty. When it overwhelms me, when the fury overtakes me I find where you are wounded and attack
Every moment with you, watching you, seeing you develop, grow, is the most amazing experience of my life. You bring such joy to everyone you encounter, a smile that lights up the world. My life would forever be incomplete with out you. I see what I was missing, how empty my life would have been had you never come into it, had we never brought ourselves to the point where we were ready for you. Where we had the maturity, the insight, the place in life to enjoy you thoroughly. And my darling angel we do love beyond all else
I turned and she was gone. My eyes blurry, unable to focus. I reached out to feel for her. Nothing, no one. She was gone. I realized what this meant and got to my feet as quickly as I could manage. I saw the light from beneath the bathroom door but it was silent and still. I called to her, my wife, my wife who was about to give birth to our first and only child. "Bec-, I called out. "are you alright-. She told me she was fine to go back to bed but I knew this was it.
If I don't change, change who and what I am. The way I do things, care for myself. If I don't become the man now, I was meant to become. If I do not rise above mediocrity, the average, the mundane. If I do not grow, learn , and expand myself. If I don't create, write, live. Delve deeper into myself, find out what is important once and for all. If I act the part, play the role, give myself a chance to be exceptional. How will I ever prove to myself that I was wrong, I am not worthless.
I seriously doubt I will ever be understood, a ridiculous notion anyway. How can one ever expect to be understood, when we are living, changing, evolving. We are reactionary by nature. Who could possibly predict what will come in some ones life, what exact circumstances will exist in that very moment and how one will react. I have a pretty good idea of what I will do in an given situation but I am wrong a lot of the time. How can I expect someone that does not live inside my mind to understand it? I understand less every day
I need you tell me what I missed, what I could never understand, fathomed. Explain to me why you left what you were fleeing from. What it was like with her in the beginning. If she changed, was she always like this. Always empty and vacant. I need to know what you saw, what parts of my life did you witness. Where you there when I felt completely alone, helpless, did you pull me through, guide me to the other side. Did you inspire me to achieve, to succeed. Did you miss me, wonder what I thought of you, care
I am empty now, nothing to say, nothing to express. There is nothing I want you to know, nothing that is burning inside of me, no passion welling up. If I have a voice within me it is silent, saying not a single word to me. I am almost not here, my out on loan. Only a hollow shell of a body occupy my space. My spirit must be off someplace else, getting nourished, fed. Experiencing a life beyond my own, taking mental images for later use Eventually it will float back to me, reinhabit me. For now simply empty
Why would any one who becomes a parent think they have a responsibility more significant, more important than to be a mother or father. Think they are owed a life, privacy,. How can they think their needs are more important than their childs. Why do you people even have children, they are simply an accessory to you, social standing, status symbol. How can you not be amazed at what your child accomplishes, how they grow. Why do you never blame yourself for the damage you inflict on your innocent children. They start pure and your sickness taints them. Never again
As someone who grew up with out a family, My father died soon after my fifth birthday, my mother well she may as well have died along with him, I am truly seeing the beauty of a loving family for the first time. My friends and grandparents filled in nicely but there were always barriers, things that made me feel disconnected and on the outside. But when I sit here with my wife and baby daughter and I imagine what the future holds for us, I see the value, the hope a family brings. It almost never happened for me
It has been a long time since I felt you where here, next to me.. I am thankful for so many things but I don't understand why you are letting our business fail. It is everything I always asked you for and I work hard at it. Now that we have it it seems like you want to rip it away from me. Rip away me time with my wife and daughter, To care for my Grandfather and Aunt. Those are the important things in life, you cannot even give me a little financial independence so I can do that
I can't possibly lose you. I can't possibly live this life without you, I can't possibly raise our daughter alone, without you. I can't be her father and mother. I can't provide her with everything she needs from you. I can't even begin to think about what each day would be like. The emptiness, the sadness, the overwhelming despair. I need you to be healthy, always. I need your presence in my every moment, I need you to share every experience. What ever we need to do we will do but I wont lose you. She will not lose you.
I want to have hope, faith, a belief in something but god makes it so difficult. Why do you continue to leave things just out of my reach, give me only a taste? Never let me actual reach the pinnacle. I only want to succeed, to be secure, have stability. I want to know I will be okay, that my wife will stay healthy that my daughter will have every advantage. Why is this so much to ask, we to every thing have to be dependent on what I do for you. Why can't you give because you love me
"Eighteen...Nineteen...Twenty, ready or not here I come"I bellowed out. My eyes covered, back to the vast thicket that was our yard. The remnants of winter still survived, patches snow and ice and the effervescent bite of cool wind. I could hear my wife and daughter scurrying around leaves and brush. Looking for the perfect spot to hide. My daughter's laughter, her glee filled the air. I could hear my wife telling her "get down, get down daddy is coming"I waited a few extra seconds and again rang out "ready or not here I come-. It is a beginning
Thank you, thank you for listening, hearing me. I have felt over the last year you just stopped paying attention, like I was no longer important. I know you don't always understand why this is what I need, steady constant progress, why I can't just believe you will be there, protect me, get me where you want me to go. I need you to see that this is what I genuinely need. I need you to see that I understand your point as well and that I will work to not change with the highs and lows. I thank you
Why is the word "family"so significant to some. Family seems to only be an excuse not to have to act lick a decent human being. License to treat other with complete and total disrespect, push boundaries, stop working, stop hold up their end of the relationship. Why does the similar DNA have such significance? There is no one in my life friend or family aside from my wife and daughter that are not expendable. No one I would not remove if they simple do not treat me in a manner I deem appropriate. Family is nothing more than obligation.
How can something that I would presumable and otherwise enjoy, cause me such frustration and aggravation. It is simply a game but something in me just snaps playing with him. I admit I am overly competitive, but in this case I think what gets to me is that I have to show restraint. I can not devour him, crush any allusions he has of prowess. I cannot use my full capacity, to overpower, destroy, humiliate. I want love him and want him to do this thing that he enjoys, why does it always have to be at my expense.
It truly amazes me how many times I stand in my own way. Sometimes it is pronounced, I take a demonstrative stand against what ever opportunity comes my way. So much of the time is so subtle. Little decisions I make, biases I hold on to, not taking the time to think things through, hasty assumptions. . They are so subtle I do not even notice them most of the time, not until they have piled up on top of one another. Until all the little pieces form a whole and swallow me up. I cannot stand in my way
It would be very sad to see it end, so much time and energy put into it, three children, 15 years. But perhaps it is for the best, perhaps it was never meant to be, forced. Maybe all of those chances you had to end things, to walk away, never get married, fall for someone else. Maybe you should have taken them. Who would you be now if you felt loved supported, understood. If she felt the same things. Does it affect your children, how could it not? You spend all your time apart, contention pervades your time together always
My chest is pounding, I know something is wrong I can feel it. I don't want to die I have so much to do still. I need to go to a doctor but feel it is useless. I cannot find a doctor that will listen. Listen to my laundry list of ailments without labeling me a hypochondriac. I have shoulders that barely stay in the sockets. My neck cracks like summer lightening storm. My stomach churns acid, spewing it up like fountains of regret. Regret that I will never accomplish what I was meant to.. I need to be here
I don't know what else to do, I give in to you, I attempt to trust you despite my past, our past, nothing ever changes you let me down over and over again. You seem to want me to believe but what is in it for me, do you simply want me to be subservient, a slave to your ego. Why do you even have an ego it doesn't make sense to me, nothing about you makes sense. What do you want from me. I am clear about what I want from you, you just wont talk to me directly
and Amidst our frolicking I could faintly hear the ring of my mobile phone I had left on the porch. I had given up carrying a phone years ago when we moved to this place but today we were waiting to get the latest update on Michelle's mother. She had been diagnosed with cancer and results of her latest treatment were due today. Michelle got up quickly and raced to the phone. I could hear her say, out of breath and almost frantically, "hello-. The rest of her conversation was quiet and sullen. It was obvious the news was bad.
It is my natural inclination to seek out and come to recognize the pattern in the things that occur in my life. There are just certain things that I cannot seem to find the pattern in. Cause and effect seems so obvious in most cases. Statistics studied and taken in the right context can tell such a story. I don't believe in coincidence but it seems to happen so often. Back to the things I cannot find a pattern in. When I say something aloud, then it happens. How do I explain this? There are no patterns, statistics, reason, explanation
Go to sleep my little girl Close your eyes, close your eyes Close your eyes and dream Of what tomorrow brings Close your eyes and imagine How the sparrow sings How can these little words connect my daughter and I on such a profound level. When she looks into my eyes, an intent stare that reaches a depth in me that no other human being ever could. She looks at me as though I am irreplaceable, as though It sounds trite and I never thought such a thing could ever exist as I never experienced it with my own parents
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