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Would it have ever been possible for you to love me as I love her. For you to see the beauty, the life, the potential, the joy in me. To cultivate it, foster its growth, to encourage rather than devour. Would it have been possible for you to transcend yourself, your pain, your damage, your abused empty soul to see me, to simply see me as I so gloriously see her, hear her, hear her say da-dee. Feel her look through me, at me, fill me up with a immeasurable sense of purpose and humility. Could you have loved me
Seldom do I wonder how I got here, but my dreams lately ask me questions. They show me what I still hang on to, the guilt that resides inside of me, the regret, the need for redemption. They ask me what I want to be, even at this stage of my life, what I want to be. I am not sure I have the answer. I want to keep learning, keep evolving, hoping. I want to be a gentleman, exude the byproduct of inner confidence. Accept, stay open, see beyond the obvious. Understand my fears, never succumb to them, coexist
Thank you for confirming what I already knew. Confirming that you neither love me nor are you a mother. You will never know your granddaughter, never see her face, never hear her laugh, sing, call your name. I think you are okay with that, you can justify it, can convince yourself one more day not to take your own life. Let the blood drip slowly from your wrist, let your body slide down beneath the water and never come up, cure your damaged mind of its ills. For one last time fill those unfortunate enough to know you with guilt
I miss you most of all, a simple kiss on the head, made all my trouble seem so far away. You shared your expanse of love with the whole world around you even in the midst of your deepest sorrows. You lost so much but were still able to instill in me the ability to love, to empathize, to do the right thing despite the circumstance. You showed me how to see the good in others even when it seemed as though there wasn't any. I miss the twinkle always in your eye, I miss you most of all Grandma
Tonight we celebrated life, our life, despite the tragedies, the hardship the heartache. We celebrated one another despite our differences, our histories or our ages. Food, drink and warmth. An understanding that need not be spoken. We are in all ways a family. Full of love, disagreements, and want to be there for one another. We are what I have never know. I never expected this to happen. I thought my chances left me many years ago, then this came from nowhere. It is proven to me over and over that when I give up, I get what I need.
It is hard to imagine my life without you, there was one but it was hardly worth living. I was reckless, almost willing myself to destruction. I felt as though nothing would last, I would only survive. Survive in spite of myself. Survive because I simply wanted to die. And then there you were... You helped me see through your eyes, longingly stare at what was inside of me that few others bothered to see at more than a glance. You loved me in spite of what others thought to be unbearable, intolerable weaknesses. Gave me the chance to live
I am tired, so tired. I cannot close my eyes, cannot miss for a moment what is going on around me. What is new, what has awakened in me, what brings me to a new level of enchantment. I cannot sleep, a lullaby pours through me, soothing my soul but my mind and body won't cooperate. I have not yet learned that tomorrows hold more and more of what today had to offer. More brilliance, more first times, more enlightenment. I need to capture it all now , right now, today. Not waste an instant. Not give in to tired
I saw you standing above me, waiting for me to move to breath. You said goodbye in a hush tone and mouthed the words I love you. I felt you even while I slept. I remember even though I shouldn't and when you closed the door behind you I said my own goodbye. And when I sat on the porch and watched the two men I had never seen approach me Thunder growling at my side the whole world in front of me quit still but exploding in red. I realized we had said our last our final goodbye father
I miss you both so much already. I haven't even left you yet but I long for you. Attached to no one, never let anyone in, trust only me. Keep you on the fray, this always worked for me, open spaces between you and me, I sat outside the world and feeling like these. Vacuumed up fear, fear of you and me, fear of being the same. A long view of intimacy. But you both overtook me. Made me care, threatened my isolation. Deferred my agenda of alienation. To bring me what? A sense of belonging. Congregations of open space
I have to leave my wife and my baby. I never thought so long ago that the notion would bother me but it does. I never though one person much less two could hold a piece of me. Make me feel incomplete without them by my side. I played with love in the past, pretend, convinced myself that I was in it. It is one of those things that you can fully comprehend until it is truly in your life. So long chancing what I believed did not exist and now it is here and it envelopes me, captures me
My eyes are wide open but I have been asleep for hours, hours of missing you. Hours of an unbearable yearning. I talk to other in similar situations but they can't understand me, they can't relate. They think I this should be easy but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hear the sadness in your voice, the distance this has caused, it is killing me, I am lost without you. Find a way for me to get back to you, to be by your side, to take you in fully, to taste you, now
I am on my way to you, back to the two people in this world I love most. The two people I can not live without. This weekend unequivocally proved to me that I am a better person when I am with you, when we are doing thinks together. When we are sharing a life, our days our nights our hopes, dreams. I look forward to everything we have planned, raising our daughter, growing our business, moving to Jamestown. Building a creative life of meaning. Contributing to the our community in real and meaningful way. I once thought this trite
I fully expected to die this weekend, to have my life end, to finally realize what I though each day would bring. I expected my body to shut down violently, my heart to explode, my limbs to flail about and even detach themselves from my body. Instead, instead I lived but my expectations died. My expectations of what I am, what I want, of brilliance manifested in the mundane. Mostly I died to myself, the saboteur, the one with faith in faithlessness. Hidden in my wreckage was the glimmering hope of renewal, an idea, an expression, a point of view
If you tell me to write I will write. I will write the prose no one wants to read. The drivel that froths and seeps out of my mind. I will tell you of my damaged family, my damaged heart, my emptiness. My path of destruction, the fear the held me under, breathless. Replaced with redemption, fulfillment, depth, richness, texture and the conspiracy of contentment. I will give you what I have and I am finely ready for you do with it what you will. I will not analyze your face, attempt to understand your thoughts, I will simply write
Was she this insane when you married her, did she still have some grip on reality, the world around her. What you saw when you looked in her eyes, I will tell you now she is empty, vacant. You must have seen something; something about her must have given you hope you could save her. Was it your ego or was it your need to make up for something in your own experience. When did you realize she was beyond your help, beyond the help of anyone? When did you decide to try and escape? Death, you gave in to
Being a parent has brought on so many new emotions and concerns. I now think of your well fare before my own, your health your needs your desires make my own insignificant. The fear of anything ever happening to you pervades my thoughts, disease, heart break, loss, the dregs of society honing in on you. All of these things scare me but now I worry that something may happen to me or your mother, that we will not be there for you. I am sure these are common feeling for parents, they are things I never thought I would experience.
I want to tell you everything, tell you what happened, what it was like. Do you want to hear it, what she was, what she is. Do you want to have your perceptions, your notions of what she was destroyed. Can I tell you with your mind and heart open? Will you be able to get past your loyalties? Why were you ever loyal to her, why was it not me, aren't I yours, yours before her. Why was it so difficult to believe me, couldn't you see it in front of you. Couldn't you see the pain and torment
Stay away from me stop looking inside of me, there is nothing left to find, I am empty again, my head pounds, my body aches. I need you to go away. You have filled yourself up with me now run along and spit me out as you trample down the rose bushes. An appetite for ipecac will help you along. Shovel me into the atmosphere, babble as you do, babble promise of a different result, a new way of looking at things. As I burn up, incinerate mark the spot in your heart that oozes with self loathing drivel, nonsense
Why is it so difficult to relinquish control, to give in, give up. Why do you hold on to antiquated ways, the past gold standard, the things that were once avant garde. Why can't you understand your time has past, the minimal glory you once enjoy has faded beyond recognition. You have been surpassed, left behind, others are faster,stronger, more adept, more talented, skilled. Sit back enjoy the rest of your life, know that you contributed, used what talent and ability you had. Now it is your responsibility to allow those in their prime to excel, no jealousy, envy, remorse
If I am not there for you, if I don't make it as far as I have planned. If he simply laughs at me again, takes away my everything. Takes away my ability to be your father, Then I need you to know you are my purpose, my reason for existing, you may not understand the gravity of this declaration. As you grow, learn, experience. As you have successes, failures, as you begin to understand who you are, why the world around you is, You will understand that perfection only existed in my world when I looked into your eyes.
I have seen so many movies read so many books that I start to believe every occurrence in my life is foreshadowing. Every trivial argument with my wife, every ring of the phone, knock on the door. A glaring sign of impending disaster. I used to imagine everyone I was with leaving me, dying. I wondered with excitement what it would be like when they were gone.. Now I fear my own death wonder what will happen to my family if I am not there. I continue to watch the foreshadowing knowing that my greatest fears could be reality, over
The worst decisions I ever made was to hire my brother in law to do renovations on our home. It wasn't dealing with his horses ass personality but rather his complete incompetence that made it a bad choice. Seven weeks from "completion"almost every part of work is falling apart or still left undone. I have holes in the cabinet doors, My shower is actually detached from the wall. The faÃƒÆ'Ã‚Â§ade of my house has been scraped but not painted, bare wood just in time for a major rain storm. He needed money to support is family I see why
I get asked why I don't believe in god. Which must be the case if I don't subscribe to a religion. If I don't consider myself Catholic, Buddhist, Hindi, Christian, Morman or a druid. Don't go to church, temple, don't perform pagan rituals naked in my backyard. I don't find the bible sacred, Joseph Smith does not strike me as prophetic, the Dali lama is simply a monk, a man born in the middle east does not have to be a blue eyed white male for me to respect him. God is simply within my and I am within god
My mind is racing with everything I have to do. Three days of family, friends and food. I started cooking and preparing a week ahead of time. We picked and pressed the linens. Polished the silver, choose the perfect dishes. A platter to display every one. Aromas of the delicate mixture of freshly ground spices and herbs. Slow cooked meats, ripe fruits and vegetables. Soon the house will be filled with voices and laughter, the contentment of good food and conversation. First year of my daughters life and everything has changed for the better, a life of traditions starts now
Ungrateful, Thankless, Unappreciative, Disingenuous, Duplicitous, Insincere, Lubricious, Shifty, Sneaky, Underhanded, Treacherous, Guileful, Disgusting, Repulsive Ungrateful, Thankless, Unappreciative, Disingenuous, Duplicitous, Insincere, Lubricious, Shifty, Sneaky, Underhanded, Treacherous, Guileful, Disgusting, Repulsive Ungrateful, Thankless, Unappreciative, Disingenuous, Duplicitous, Insincere, Lubricious, Shifty, Sneaky, Underhanded, Treacherous, Guileful, Disgusting, Repulsive. Ungrateful, Thankless, Unappreciative, Disingenuous, Duplicitous, Insincere, Lubricious, Shifty, Sneaky, Underhanded, Treacherous, Guileful, Disgusting, Repulsive. Ungrateful, Thankless, Unappreciative, Disingenuous, Duplicitous, Insincere, Lubricious, Shifty, Sneaky, Underhanded, Treacherous, Guileful, Disgusting, Repulsive. Ungrateful, Thankless, Unappreciative, Disingenuous, Duplicitous, Insincere, Lubricious, Shifty, Sneaky, Underhanded, Treacherous, Guileful, Disgusting, Repulsive. Ungrateful, Thankless, Unappreciative, Disingenuous, Duplicitous, Insincere, Lubricious, Shifty, Sneaky, Underhanded, Treacherous, Guileful, Disgusting, Repulsive FUCKS. I'm Done
Friendship is one of the greatest gift I have been blessed with, when my family failed me, when they could not support me and give me the encouragement I needed. When the could not help me grow as a person. When they where not there at my darkest moment and for my greatest triumphs. When they where not there to for me to share the little things with or to share the overwhelming my friends were always there. And I know in the end they will be the ones that continue to be there. My friendships, bonds that are irreplaceable
When you creep around the corners lurk behind closed doors, planning scheming, figuring out how to get your own way, how to twist and turn your words in order to get us to succumb to your whims. When you talk behind my back, ask other to do your bidding, when you talk through my daughter, use her voice. When you think you know me, understand me, have me all figured out. When you don't listen to me, don't heed my words, don't let them sink in and affect you. When you live only for you. I indeed, will hate you
I am nothing, I will never be, never be what I wanted to be, worthwhile. I will never have anything to give to this world to my daughter. Nothing will ever be written about me, I will have nothing to look back on when I am old and nearing death. I will simple have to grasp on to the little victories in my life. Something I did well for a few people, faint memories of compliments for the triviality I called my life. I will only be able to talk about what I could have done. I should've died already.
When I see you what will you say to me, will be proud of me, disappointed. Will you explain, answer all my many questions. will you help me understand why you abandoned me, set me up to be abandoned by everyone of importance in my life. Will you explain the pain the heart ache, the guilt, the self loathing, the feeling of being completely inadequate that you overwhelmed me with. Will you tell me why you filled my up with things I would never have the capacity or opportunity to use. Will you tell me what I want to hear
What is it you want from me, what you want me to be. You want me to forgive, forget, pretend it never happened. You want me to feel compassion. To invite her to do it all over again, give her the opportunity to do the same things to my daughter. You want me to see past her faults and look at the good you perceive she has done. You want me to see things your way; you look for that glimmer of hope. Hope, will have what you think we once had. Let your loyalty go, or let me go
There is a place I dream about. A place where the three of us live our lives. Peace prevails; our family does not extend past three. We can watch you grow up in tranquility. Surrounded by people we choose to invite in, friends and neighbors and no one more. We can start again, no preconceived notions or expectations. A place with seasons, with character, with heart. A place to belong, to call home for you to come back to. This is not a place to escape to but I place to begin the life we have always imagined. Very Soon
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