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Today's gonna be a good day. I'm not the oger of a mother I sometimes make myself out to be. Shit happens and then you deal with it. Today I'm taking Missy Lou on an adventure. We are going to have fun at two amusement parks in two days and spend the night in a luxurious Hotel suite with all the amenities. We will order room service, watch movies, talk girl talk (she has decided she is a "girly girl" now) and why? To celebrate a milestone...yesterday, on June 30, 2004 the braces came off!!! Smile, you are beautiful!!!
The "luxurious suite" turned out to be two tiny rooms, each equipped with it's own television. It didn't cost much, so I wasn't really surprised. We ordered dinner and a movie..."Cold Mountain." It was good, but had a sad ending. Rene Zellweger was the best part. Missy started to cry because she missed Daddy. This was the first time we've done anything without him. She made me cry too. Just us two chickens, bawling like a couple of idiots. She ended up sleeping with me. It was a moment I'll always cherish...just the two of us being girls.
I am in a bit of a quandry. I don't get much e-mail. I've never corresponded with anyone on a regular basis except for one brief time. So now I have this box full of e-mail that I don't know what to do with. I can't read it because it would be too painful and I can't delete it because that would be even more painful. So it just sits there in cyber space collecting cyber cobwebs. I wonder what happens to cyber mail? Does it just hang in limbo forever? What happens to it if I never delete it?
As Mike, the customer, and Michael, the singer, and I, the only souls left at 10:00 PM, sat and chatted, the discussion turned to politics and religion. Until this point, Michael and I had gotten along rather well. Then he started the Bush chant. But it was a fun and lively conversation. When he railed against Clinton and his bombing of the aspirin factory, he asked, "Where were all the protestors then?" I said, "Those details were buried under the headlines that he had his dick in some chick's mouth!" "I like it when you talk dirty," he said. MEN!!!
The last thing I ever expected to happen on the fourth of July happened. What a kick! It would have never even entered my mind considering it was a block party teaming with families...couples and their children. I assumed I would be the single in a sea of marrieds. But the universe had other plans. I fucking got laid!!! That's right, let it be known that last night, the tide turned. Fucking unbelievable. One minute we were just laughing and talking and, then, all of a sudden, he kissed me. Now he wants me to visit him in Phoenix.
You can have my voluptuous lips for long, deep kisses; you can have my soft skin to caress and explore; you can have my ocean eyes to look into; you can have my arms to hold you; you can have my hair to run your fingers through; you can have my passion, sexiness and sensuality in the bedroom; you can have my vivacious personality and spontaneous laughter on interludes in the Arizona sun or the cool ocean breezes of California. All of these things I can give you...but I cannot give you my heart, because it belongs to everyone.
My horoscope said I've been having trouble making up my mind about something. That is quite true. It actually said that I needed to find a third voice. A third voice!?!?!? I got too many freakin' voices in my head these days...that's my freakin' problem!!! I need to focus and I can't focus when I'm bored out of my mind. I need a job and for school to start. Curious thing about me...I get more done when I have less time. I'm a weird one, all right. A third voice indeed. That's got a name, you know...schizophrenic.
I must be insane. I'm going to drive 400 miles for those kisses. I said, "If you kiss me any differently than you did on the fourth, I'm going to turn around and drive right back!" "That's a deal," he said. So, this is going to be interesting. He wants to get to know me, he says. He's on cloud nine, he says. I'm on cloud seven...but I'm climbing. We'll see how next weekend goes. I've gotta be careful. I am not going to jump too fast and get my heart trampled again. But, goddamn, those kisses are fine!!!
My heart filled with joy as I read this story in the local section of my paper today: "Offering gay-friendly expertise." Deborah Gordon and Nancy Levy are angels from God. They are hosting the first ever Gay and Lesbian Wedding Expo in Anaheim, California. When they decided a few years ago to have a committment ceremony, they were laughed and scoffed at by everyone from the florists to the ministers. So Deb decided to become a minister and she and her partner are now wedding planners for gay and lesbian couples. I just love watching Heaven progress!!! God bless you!
She always comes in alone. She sits at the bar and orders dinner and/or dessert while chatting in a friendly manner with the bartender. She orders a glass of wine or a Corona, depending on her taste for the evening. Sometimes she has iced tea, when not feeling the call of alcohol. She listens to the music and clearly shows her enjoyment. They wonder who she is, this mysterious woman. They wonder why would someone so friendly and, quite frankly, beautiful, be dining all alone on a weekend night? They don't understand...she's not alone at all...she's with them.
Greg Laurie, Harvest Crusade founder, states: "The question is not, "How can I live forever?" Rather, it's, "Where am I going to spend eternity?...Which way are you going?" I've got a better one, Mr. Laurie. The question is "What is eternity?" You still insinuate a "place" we go when we die. Heaven and Hell...yeah, sure. Don't you see that eternity is NOW. The question is "Where are you right NOW...in Heaven or Hell?" People are so caught up about where they are going, they don't stop to enjoy this life NOW. God is truly sad about that.
Dear Married Nice Guy at the Pool: Now I know why you flirt with me. I didn't get it at first...thought you were a weekend Dad. When I realized you were married, I thought, why are you flirting with me like that? Now I know why. I see how you're a really good Dad. The way you play with your kids in the pool and hold that beautiful daughter of yours constantly...I can tell you are a nice guy. But I see how she looks at you and speaks to you. My heart goes out to ya, Bud.
The drive over was so lovely. I'm so glad that my best friend moved "over the mountain." Now, when I go for a visit, I always take the scenic Ortega Highway. The two-lane highway that snakes over the hill through the trees and shrubs is one of my favorite drives. The destination is even sweeter...me and her, shopping, lunching, sunning in the pool and talking girl stuff the rest of the afternoon...well, it just doesn't get any better than that!!! On the drive home, happy and feeling cocky...taking those curves with confidence and speed can be exhilerating!!!
My mother is grief stricken. I know how much she loves her cats. Fritz was her favorite. Now, she is mourning his loss. I wish there was something I could say to ease her pain, but it is through the pain that we know how much we loved. We understand when we love, losing that love will be painful. We don't want to think about it, but it's there. A life without pain is a life without love. I'ld rather feel the pain and have love in my life than feel no pain and have no love in my life.
Reason and Desire. I stood looking at the car. I could have it. All I would have to do is trade in my old car, write a check and it would be mine. For the first time in years I didn't have anyone to hold me back. Why own a 2002 when you can own a 2004? It would have been a huge financial mistake. The numbers just didn't add up. Reason won out in the end. Sometimes desire isn't worth the price you have to pay and I couldn't think of one good reason I should buy that car.
As I sat in the hot Arizona sun, I was pissed off!!! Just fifteen minutes from Phoenix, my long drive almost over, and now stuck behind a major traffic accident. No movement whatsoever...dead stop. Over an hour I sat wondering why the Universe was delaying my arrival more than it already had. Then that little voice began to speak to me..."Perhaps your delays kept you from being the one in the helicopter." As the guilt of my wretched selfishness washed over me, I sent all my best wishes to the fella who needed it. Ah, redemption is sweet!!!
Well, it is now official. Since I began taking walks every day, I have now walked in four states...California, Nevada, Louisiana and Arizona. I felt a little guilty this morning because I took another dog for a walk. My beloved Beagles would be so jealous! Tasha was a very good walker. She kept me company as I pounded the pavement and got lost in my head and listened to my music. Afterwards, Tasha walked over to the pool and stepped in to cool her paws. There's nothing like a dip in the water after heating up from the sun.
The beauty of Arizona is breathtaking. As we traveled through the mountainous terrain, he spoke of the history of the area. The Indians would come through on horseback and follow the Salt River, which is dry now. He marveled at how it must have been back then. As we followed Apache Lake, he spoke of all the places he camps with friends and family. The lake is surrounded by red streaked canyon walls. It was an absolutely majestic sight! I told him that if I didn't get an invite to the next camping trip, somebody's ass was gonna get kicked!!!
"Mom, will you watch "The Body" with me?" she asked. A Buffy episode...Buffy's mom dies. Since I had been out of town recently and I had missed my daughter, I sat to watch what I had seen so many times before. Sitting on the sofa with her head resting on my shoulder, our arms around each other, I felt wanted and needed. "Did you miss me?" I asked. "Yes," she replied. As I tried to break free from her grip, she held tight and wouldn't let go. I relaxed back into the sofa and decided the tea could wait.
I truly saw the little boy in you. I already noticed the twinkle you get in your eye when you're up to something mischievous which usually involves some advancement toward me like when you looked around the elevator and asked if there were cameras in there and then laid that big fat kiss on me or when you teased the kindly little waitress at lunch about the hole in your glass...but standing there holding the hose over your head, drenching yourself when you have a pool in the back yard was priceless!!! You are too cute when you play!
Well, I am finally going to meet people who have had a similar experience to mine and I won't have to feel so all alone in this world. I am so excited about who I am going to meet and what they will have to say. I am also very excited about being able to talk about my experience with people who will be understanding and not want to lock me up. Angels have a hard time in this world because nobody understands us. Thank God we can find each other. Meeting Neale will be the icing on the cake!
How much more boredom can I stand?!? I need to go to work...I need to go to school...I need my boyfriend to live in the same general area as me!!! This is not funny, Universe!!! You finally hook me up with someone and they fucking live a state away. I know he's contemplating moving here and that would be great, but you have to do your part and find him a job here in California because I don't want to fucking move to Arizona!!! OK??? Do your job!!! Make it easy on him. I've fucking done my part!!!
He finally called me. I was wondering if I had done something to rub him the wrong way. I thought the weekend went great. I couldn't think of any reason he wouldn't want to talk to me. I called him twice since I got home...both times with reason. Then this morning, he calls and sounds happy. He says he hasn't stopped thinking about me, but he's been so busy sending out resumes and job hunting on the internet, he may have seem distracted before. Having to look for a new job is no fun and stressful. I forgive him.
What is it about me that makes people feel compelled to speak to me and invite me into their fold? I know I never meet a stranger, but they don't. I knew it wouldn't be long before I would make friends here. The pool is the hot ticket. Now, I'm one of the gang. Drinking Tecates with my new pals, watching the kids play. They know mine are nearly grown and I'm alone here, so they don't mind if I "adopt" their kids at the pool. They can just call me "Aunt Fish". Yeah, that's gotta nice ring to it!
Are we ever fucking satisfied??? Are we ever perfectly content??? When we do get what we want, we always end up wanting more. Fucking human neediness and greediness. I need this...I want that. But the problem is you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need and if you can't be with the one you want, love the one your with. Songwriters tap into some incredible wisdom that us mortals can only dream about. I'm trying like hell to listen and put it into practice.
He stood there ranting on about women...making fun of women who just want you for one thing...they use you and abuse you and take all your money and, worse yet, break your heart...all the while he's glancing over at me with that mischievous twinkle in his eye knowing that he knew that I knew that he was just teasing. "Women...yeah, I'm done hanging out with them!" I looked over at his brother and son and quite calmly said, "Didn't he tell you? I'm a transvestite!" Oh, Mr. Rogers...you have no idea who you're dealing with...
I really, really like you. I know you really, really like me. We're a couple of fucking Sally Fields on Oscar night! I don't think I can use "in love" to define it. I've grown to hate that term. What the fuck does that mean anyway? In love? The opposite of "in" is "out"...so it seems to me that if you're "in love", you can be "out of love" by the very definition. How about I just dig you...a lot. I think I could dig you a lot longer than I could be "in love" with you. K???
The Prodigal Son had some good news for me today. He is finally going to be working forty whole hours a week. WOW!!! Forty hours a week!!! I can't fucking believe it!!! He's twenty and for the first time he is going to work forty whole hours in one week. He'll be exhausted by the end. He'll probably be ready for a nervous breakdown. When he gets his first paycheck for a forty hour work week, with a dollar an hour raise, I might add....he might just think this work thing is pretty dandy!!! God...one can only hope!!!
TOO MUCH FUN!!! That's what Karaoke is like with a fun group in a fun place where everyone is there to have a good time. I sang "Beautiful" by Carole King. He sang "I Can't Help Falling In Love" by Elvis. I sang "Cabaret" and Elsie died! That song is just no fun unless Elsie dies! He sang "In the Ghetto" by Elvis. Kim and I sang "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morissette. We picked that song just so we could say FUCK!!! We sang "Summer Lovin'" as a female duet...we knew that would turn the boys on...hehehehe.
He's like a kid in a candy store at the world's largest organ. The Organ Stop Pizza House is definitely one cool place. He reminded me of an excited little boy showing me around, telling me it's history and how all the instruments are controlled by the organ that rises from the center of the stage in all it's ornate glory. The organist takes requests and entertains as you eat really good pizza. I requested "It Had To Be You" as a joke. He didn't know the song. "It's real old, so I thought you would know it," I laughed.
Well, Universe...in a few short months I've been through a whirlwind of change. Yet every time I think it's getting better, there seems to be a kink in the plan. I can't help but wonder what amazingly wonderful thing is waiting just around the corner. I have no job. People I care about have no job. It seems as if this is a final hurdle to jump before I get to the finish line and I can't even imagine how sweet that will be. I love surprises and I have a feeling this one is gonna rock my world!!!
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