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Well, this is a new one for me. I haven't cried. I would like to know who has taken possession of this body. I can't believe I haven't cried. Me, the queen of tears, hasn't cried one over the divorce. Now, the tears have stayed away for the big move. I have moved out of the house that I have lived in for almost eight years. The old me would have been wailing by now. Yet, when I search myself for some form of regret, sadness, or just plain fear...I can't find it. I do like the new me.
Three generations sitting in one room with Clapton playing on the big screen, the sounds of the live concert being witnessed vibrating into our very souls from the kick-ass sound system that Carlos has set up with his high definition television. The years of birth were 1960, 1973, 1983...me being the oldest. But here I was, literally rocking out with two generations younger than me listening to and watching Clapton. It was way too cool for words. The experience was awsome! Then Carlos invited us into the garage for some serious pot smoking...what a fucking great day!
Well, I have to admit it. The master bedroom is my favorite room in the house. I'ld stay in there morning, noon and night if I could. My new bed is like sleeping on a cloud. I confess, I splurged on down feather pillows, but they were worth it! The comforter set was a steal and couldn't have been a better match for my favorite picture if it had been custom designed. And the drapes are the icing on the cake...deep burgundy soft cotton with embossed roses. Light moss green walls. All roses. All mine. Heaven on earth! Sweet!
Well, the baby boy next door screams at the top of his lungs most of the time. His parents like to sit outside in the evening and talk very loudly. The cars whiz by on the somewhat busy street under my bedroom window. The doorbell rang today, but it wasn't mine. It must have been the next door neighbors' bell. This is taking some getting used to. After living in a house for the past fifteen plus years, townhome living is something entirely different. The noises are the hardest part to get used to. Otherwise, it's a piece of cake.
What can I say about Cynco de Mayo? Well, it's a holiday! It's not OUR holiday. Heck, it's not even THEIR holiday. Yet, year after year, we Californians make a big deal out of the fifth of May. Why? Because we like to drink Tequila and Corona! The Guacamole is free flowing as well, along with the Carne Asada, Salsa and Chips! All good, all the time...but WHY do we celebrate Cynco de Mayo? Because a small band of Mexicans defeated the French in Pueblo, Mexico a long time ago. So just shut up and have another Corona already!!!
Once upon a time, there was a girl who dreamed of Prince Charming coming to rescue her. But every time she thought she found him, she would lose him to another. Still, she had hope. Once, she married someone she thought was a prince, but he turned out to be a frog. Like a worn out record, as it turned out, his heart belonged to another. She had heard frogs sometimes turn into princes, so the next time she married a frog. Sadly, she was mistaken. He never turned into a prince. He just got froglier as the years passed.
One day the girl decided she was done waiting around for fucking Prince Charming. She decided she could rescue her own ass. She started taking classes at the local college. She worked hard, all the while waiting for the right time to spring it on the frog that she was no longer in need of his services...she was done waiting around for him to turn into Prince Charming, so "Hasta la Vista, Baby". Now, she's content to create her own happiness, and if Prince Charming comes along...GREAT!!! If not, what a waste of a great piece of ass!!!
It has always been fascinating to me that against the blue sky, the sun's rays are completely invisible. Yet when there are clouds in the sky, the rays break through as beams of light against the opaque clouds. Today, they broke out in so many directions, you could never count them all. Then, on the evening stroll, the setting sun lit up the evening clouds of the sky creating shades of pink, blue and white. The sun is truly a master at creating extremely magnificent visions for our eyes to feast upon. Also, without light, there would be no color.
What can I say about Mother's Day? OK, so after a reminder from Daddy, daughter came to Mother and gave her a hug and a kiss and said "Happy Mother's Day"...to which Mother replied, "Thank you...even if you were coerced!" Wink, smile, chuckle. "Oh, Mom, I do mean it." "I know you do," I say. Then, the Prodigal Son arises from his slumber...."Oh, it's Mother's Day???" he proclaims as he heads to the beach with friends. Not to worry, he did come back later and make a spendid steak dinner for his Mommy Dearest...not too bad.
Something I've been thinking about for a long time. What does "the first will be last, but the last will be first" mean? I've been puzzling over that for some time now. I've come up with different ideas...from trees in my old yard that have odd patterns...the first to die in winter always comes back last in spring and the last one to die always comes back first. Odd. Then I thought of sand in an hourglass. The sand that falls in first will be last to drain but will be the first when you turn it over.
Each grain or tree is the "first and the last". Like the concept of time, the beginning and end superimposed on top of one another makes a circle and makes both the beginning and ending happening at the same time or, you could say they are one in the same. When I ponder how that applies to humans, it comes to me...I am the first "me" and the last "me". There will never be another "me". I am the first and the last. We each are. Be the best you can be, because there will never be another you!!!
The Universe, giveth and the Universe taketh away! It's really pissing me off! Now that I am finally getting some money in my pocket from the divorce, along comes fucking bad luck. First, I wreck my car. That cost way more than I had figured for. Then I lost my prescription sunglasses, so I had to buy another. The Universe must have been feeling generous that day, because the lenses were half off! Then I lost the keys to the pool and mail...both will cost me. Now I get a HUGE cell phone bill. Somebody, just shoot me, please!!!
Today, I wept. The paper was just too heavy for me today. Why, why, WHY??? How can humans sink so low and treat each other so inhumanely??? How??? Can they not see the HYPOCRACY...either side??? Can they not see that an eye for an eye only leads to the destruction of each other??? Do they care??? Where are their hearts??? Where is compassion??? Where is forgiveness??? Where is common decency??? Where have all the good people gone??? When will it end??? Why doesn't it STOP??? When will they LEARN??? Beam me up, Scotty...I want to go home now!
This was a fucking great night! I couldn't decide whether to go or not. Well, I did. I hadn't done this for over seventeen years. Gone out alone. This time it was different. I was going somewhere I'ld been before. I had heard bands there that I really liked. I knew I could just walk in, order a glass of wine, maybe have polite conversation, listen to some music and go home. Turned out, I met a great new friend, Kate, and got a big hug from a guy named Rodd. I'm home, sober, alone and happy! I feel GREAT!
Random sounds by children overheard at the pool today: "Arrrrgh. I'm mean...I'm a mean machine." "I didn't open my eyes." "Look, I'm wearing a bikini for the first time." "I want to be a mermaid." "I'm wearing a bikini...I'm wearing a bikini!" "I want to be a shark." "Ow...now that hurt." "Let's do it again!" "Woooohoooo!" "The water's warm." "That's fine by me." "Ok, here I come." "I got it." "(Scream...giggle giggle giggle)!" "I did it!" "Daddy, look at me!" "Can I go in the jacuzzi now?" "Pass me the boogie board." Music to my ears.
I tried not to let it happen, but it happened anyway. I am the queen of procrastination. I was very good at first, but now I've fallen a few days behind. But now I'm good and fucking stoned and ready to spew forth. I gotta lot to spew. Fucking diarrhea of the fucking brain, heart, soul...you name it, it's coming. I should have gotten some wine, but decided against it. Been having wine too much lately. Not good for me. But pot, now there's my weakness. Relaxed, into my thoughts and I won't feel like shit in the morning.
Damnit!!! The proverbial cat got let out of the proverbial bag, and now that cat is being a goddamned bitch to get back in. I can't believe I let this happen. What the FUCK was I thinking? Now, I've got this goddamned cat to deal with. But I'll get that cat back in the bag if it's the last thing I do. And I'll NEVER let that happen again. Oh, shit...there's that never word again. FUCK!!! I'm doomed, 'cause that cat is a fucking nightmare to get back in the bag. I can only hope the scars heal soon.
I only have myself to blame. I have a brain and I can use it. I always have in the past. I don't know why this time was different. I don't know why I didn't do what I always do...decline to become involved...period. I've never let it happen before. Why was this time different? I guess I'll puzzle over that one for a long time to come. I definitely believe that I'll never let it happen again...NO MATTER HOW MUCH FUCKING FUN I'M HAVING!!! I don't know if I could go through this again. Once was enough.
Ok, Universe, now I really have a bone to pick with you. I have taken this shit from you and survived...how much more do you want me to take!!! And I can tell you this, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BREAK ME!!! I mean, this is really getting ridiculous. I'm trying to keep my mind off certain things right now and you fucking do your voodoo that you do so well and...boom...there it is!!! I'm trying to NOT think about it, comprende??? Throw me a bone...wouldja? I'm ready to put my fingers in my ears and go, LALALALALALA!!!
It could have been Dallas. That's always been a frequent stopover on my flights home. That's my connection on the way. But with Priceline, you just never know WHERE they are going to send you. Last year, we stopped over in St. Louis on the return trip. That was kinda cool. I was hoping I could see the arch from the jet, but I couldn't. Now, I'm taking a little trip home and where do they decide to send me for my return connection??? Fucking Cinncinati, OHIO...that's fucking where! Keep dishing it out Universe...I can fucking take it!!!
Ok, I'm all caught up. I did it!!! I got through today. And every day will get better. I've had quite a whirlwind few months and now the storms have all settled and my world is quiet again. It's all right for now. I've got stuff I gotta do. I have my outlets and my friends and my education. This singles thing won't be as bad as last time. God, was I weak! I would never go back there again. This time I'm in control. I know my limits...I know who I am...and I won't compromise myself again.
I'm not a completely materialistic person. I drive a very conservative Saturn...and I do love my Saturn. But when I decide to go for a road trip, I like to rent something that I wouldn't normally drive. The last time I got a convertable, I was with Mr. Ex. So now that we're done, I decided to go for it again! And... goddamn...this car is HOT!!! I am going to be driving in freakin' Heaven for the next four glorious days. Me, free and breezy with the top down...fucking sky's the limit! Going gambling...wish me luck!!!
How did the band know she was going to be there? She sat at the video poker game nursing her Corona. She was not doing badly. At one point, she hit redeal on a shitty hand and got back four aces! "My luck's gonna change," she thought. Here she was, miles from home, all alone and not feeling lonely. She felt great about that. Then the band started playing PERFECT tunes for her mood. "I Will Survive" and the best, "I Ain't Got Noboby". Now, that one really got to her! Did she cry? No! She laughed her ass off!
He was all alone at the pool. She was all alone at the pool. They both knew they were the most attractive people at the pool. She sat there with her headphones on tapping her toes and bopping her head to the music. He was watching. She wandered if he would speak to her. It would be nice to have dinner with an actual other person. They ended up, quite coincidentally, swimming laps at the same time. Glances were had, but no words spoken. Maybe he was married, she thought. Then perhaps he shouldn't have been staring so fucking hard.
Well, I haven't had so much fun playing Blackjack in a long time. It was that good ole boy, DeWayne. He was quite a hoot. He was too much fun to hang with that night. And he started a streak of luck I had been needing. I was looking for someone to laugh with and they were at that Blackjack table looking like they were having some fun. So I walked up and said, "So, is she paying you guys?" "Heck, yeah," DeWayne said. So I sat, I drank, I laughed, I won and I had a fucking great time!!!
There are two souls that I admire and have a strong affection for. Those two people are Joseph Campbell and Wayne Dyer. These two have hit the proverbial head on the proverbial nail when it comes to spirituality. I know, because I had a tremendous spiritual experience that opened my mind to many of their ideas. But these ideas came to me BEFORE I had ever HEARD or READ anything they ever said or wrote. I feel as though I have tapped into what Wayne calls the "Source"...the Matrix. I recognize self-actualization, because it truly happened to me!
Kids!!! You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em and you can't kill 'em!!! People without children have no idea the enormity of taking on that responsibility. It is the toughest job on the planet and you get paid nothing for it. In fact, you pay an enormous amount of money for it. If any of us knew what lay ahead, we would never do it!!! Then, none of us would be here. Oh, the agony and ecstasy of it all!!! You can't have joy without sorrow, no life without birth. And that's the name of that tune!
I have a debate going with a friend. A male friend. He says there is no such thing as a romantic man. I say that is absolutely ridiculous. There are romantic men out there...there just aren't that many of them. He says they are only romantic in the beginning, but it all ends eventually. I totally disagree. If the two are romantics TOGETHER, then it will last. But if only one is a romantic and the other not, then it's a losing situation. So I'm taking a poll...MEN...who's right, me or him??? Please e-mail responses to me.
I have to clear something up. I am not a child hater. I am a mother who loves her children with all her heart and soul. That's why when they do something incredibly stupid or act in a way that completely bewilders you...sometimes we vent. Venting is an excellent way to purge the soul and love does not mean never feeling anger. Love means getting past the anger and letting forgiveness take over. At the same time, the forgivee has to suffer the consequences of their actions if they are ever to learn a lesson. That's the hardest part.
Does true love exist? If so, can it exist with several different people over the course of a lifetime or are those just stepping stones along the way? I sure thought I was in love a few times. But I have never experienced the "take your breath away, I can't live without you" kind of love...passionate love...the kind of love you see in the movies or read about in novels. Is there really a "one"? And if so, how do you find him? I've decided not to settle for less! Been there, done that! I'ld rather be alone.
Well, dang it!!! Why did I have to lose that goddamn pool key??? Here it is, Memorial Day...it's hot...I'm all alone and the pool is just across the way. I can hear the children laughing and playing as I sit here typing this last day of May. I can't believe I made it another month. I got featured already. I can't believe how great I feel about my life right now...taking some down time. DAMN IT!!! I wish I could go to the pool for a dip and some sun. I gotta call that freakin' association TOMORROW!!!
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