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My life has become bliss. I found the man of my dreams. We had a worldwind romance. He swept me off my feet and we married just a few months ago. Did I mention he's loaded??? Yes, filthy rich. We now live in a castle by the ocean and drink pina coladas all day, that is, on the days we aren't golfing. Oh, and the vacations we take? Why, it's downright heaven on earth. Or the fact that he's simply gorgeous??? Did I get lucky or what??? I never dreamed this could happen. Can you believe it??? (April Fool's Day)
It's been some time since I've written. I have been on a writing vacation. I have spent my time playing poker with Big M, painting, working, still trying to find the love of my life. That has been a fruitless search. Just more of the same. Will it ever end??? Will I finally find the "one"? Sometimes, I just don't think I can go through another start only to have it stop in it's tracks and leave me with skidmarks. But then I meet someone who makes me believe again. I'm so tired. I need to take a long hibernation.
He got it today! I am so happy right now. My very own personal Leprachaun got the special package I sent him for his birthday. It makes me so happy to make someone else happy. What did I send him, you ask? I have taken up painting again. My favorite was of a creek running through the countryside with brush and trees on one bank and rocks on the other. I called it "A River Runs Through It." He loves to fish. And I knew he would love it. So now my art hangs in a house in Ireland. Sweet!
I've had a headache all day. What a sucky day. Had to take my car into the shop for maintenance. I didn't get to sleep in. My head started to hurt early on. I have done nothing all day but watch TV, work on my jigsaw puzzle, listen to music and write. I have begun to see a new man. He seems to be very busy and can't make time for me this weekend. That's two weekends since we've been seeing each other. Wonder how long this one's gonna last? Well, at least I'm not being pushy. He appreciates that.
I have news about the Prodigal Son. He landed a very nice job a few months ago. Then a room opened up at his friend’s house and he moved. Then he went and bought himself a car a couple of weeks ago. Can you imagine? The long wait for him to grow up and be on his own is over. I cannot be more proud! Yet I have to admit. My place is awfully quiet and just a little lonely with him gone. Am I complaining? Not on your life. So I’m broke all the time. What else is new?
Why can I not get a break? I have gotten tickets over the last few months that have cost me precious food money. My son moved out and I no longer can count on his help with the rent. (This is not a bad thing per se) I have an astronomical phone bill because I wanted to talk to Ireland one night. I didn’t realize it was going to cost me that much! Now my car needs a new transmission. FUCK!!! It looks as though I may have to say goodbye to my beloved convertible. Life just fucking sucks sometimes!
I bought a new car. My beloved Volvo convertible was becoming a money pit. I was informed that it was in need of a new transmission which would cost approximately $3000. Thank God for moms! She mailed me a check for the cost. Then I thought to myself, why put the money into the money pit? Why not just put it toward a brand new car? Duh!!! So I am now the proud owner of a 2009 Hyundai Accent. I love it! I wanted to sleep in it the first night. I just love that new car smell, don’t you?
Lolipop was the same old same old. When will I ever learn? Am I that stupid? Ireland saw it coming as well as Jules. Are there any men left that want a relationship? I haven’t found one in five years. The only thing men want is a good fuck! I’m not opposed to a good fuck, mind you, I love a good fuck. I also love to go out to dinner, movies, beach, golf, etc. Why is it that I’m expected to lie down and spread-em but when I expect a little dinner in return, I’m the bad guy??? HUH????????
Do you know how much I fucking LOVE talking to you??? I wish it wasn’t so goddamn expensive! I would talk to you at least once a week. You make me smile so big. That accent just sends me to the moon! That laugh just makes my knees buckle! You have brightened my dull, boring life so much since I met you. Thank you for responding to an e-mail from someone you hardly knew and taking a chance on making a new friend. I can’t imagine not having you in my life. Happy Belated Birthday…my Irish Leprechaun! XXX OOO
Friday night. Alone again. It was just two weeks ago that I made Lolipop the most exquisite Italian dinner. I only had one request. Please take me out to dinner next time. I also voiced my opposition at being a “booty call.” He said that was no problem. He wasn’t into that either. Yeah…sure bud! So he texts me that he wants to swing by for a good bang bang. I text back that I already had plans. And dinner before I cook again. He didn’t like that. He was gone in a flash. Will I ever fucking learn???
When are the self-righteous, religious fundamentalists, fanatic homophobes gonna wake up and realize that gay people getting married has no affect on their lives whatsoever? So it offends them. Big fucking deal! Since when is being offended an issue that should be legislated? And all that crap about “indoctrinating” their children. Give me a fucking break! Teaching children not to ridicule, tease, harass, etc. those that are different from them is not a bad thing. And ask any homosexual who was raised by straight, religious parents if they were “coerced” into being gay. It’s not something you can “catch” people!!!
Easter Sunday. Nice day all around. The food was terrific. I ate until I hurt. Considering my financial situation these days, having a good meal is something of a treat. I stuffed myself until I felt like a beached whale. Prime rib, salmon, sweet potato casserole, fresh green beans, mashed potatoes, deviled eggs and rolls. MMMMM….yummy. The icing on the cake? Literally the icing on the cake…carrot cake with two cans of icing and 4 layers. I made it myself. And I decorated it with carrots on top. I had heard through a bird it was Bald M’s favorite.
I am mad at the Universe again! I have been through the ringer for five years trying to find a fit in my love life. I have had booty calls, short dating romances, longer dating romances leaving me heartbroken, lived with one for a while only to find out he was an alcoholic abusive asshole! So now I find myself corresponding with a man who could quite possibly be the love of my life! Why am I angry??? He fucking lives in Ireland!!! Could you make it any harder for me, Universe??? Could you give me a break just once???
I had a pain. The pain generated from my lower left side. My first instinct was a cyst on my ovary. One of my best friends from childhood died just a year ago from ovarian cancer. She had a cyst, but it turned out to be malignant. I decided not to take any chances. I made an appointment with my gynecologist to have it checked out. After the ultrasound and $120 later, I find out that there is nothing wrong in that area. The pain has also gone away. I’m going in for a regular check-up next. One word: colonoscopy!
Tax Day!!! My favorite day of the year….NOT!!! How do the powers that be expect us to live and save at the same time??? I owe Uncle Sam $2600 for 2007 that I am currently sending $100 a month for. Now it seems I owe them another $2000. Can I ever get a break??? Is it too much to ask that I can afford a roof over my head AND food. It seems that if I want to eat, I have to be homeless and if I don’t want to be homeless then I can’t eat. Decisions…decisions. FUCK!!!
RIP Brice: I hope you are happier now. I hope you found a place where you can roam with no pain. I can only imagine what inner turmoil you must have been going through to give up on life. What demons possessed your soul so much that the only solace you could find was in the needle you put into your arm? Was that drug so good to you that it was worth losing everything you treasured dearly? Now it has taken the most precious thing…your life. Your friends are left with the empty space you used to occupy.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Seriously!
The sound of silence. My cell phone lies dead bleeding from open wounds inflicted by my fate. The dingle buzz always brought a little piece of sunshine to my heart. I knew that on the other end would be some tantilizing gift waiting to be opened and cherished. Now it is silent. No Ireland. No Lolipop. It lies dead, like the carcass of a dead whale washed ashore on a lonely beach forgotten. The sunshine has been replaced by darkness. Oh, if I could will it back to life. But when something's dead, it stays dead. The silence is deafening.
Come back to me, please. I miss you so very much. Things are so different now. I still love chatting with you...that will never change. But I miss the way things were for just that brief moment in time that was so beautiful to me. I miss the sweet things you used to say to me. I miss the way you would say my name and I Love You. I miss the easy feeling I had with you. Now, I feel I can't be myself and say what I want to say. Come back to me, please? XXX OOO
Why do things have to change? I know that change is the only constant in life. I know that there are good changes that raise you up and make you feel so happy. I also know there are changes that you were not expecting that bring you down and make you feel so sad. The one that gets me every time is the one that comes with relationships. Whenever I start feeling comfortable and happy in a new relationship, inevitably it changes. I wish I could just accept it and move on immediately. Lots of tears come with the change.
Ireland: I wish there was something that I could say to convey the deep remorse I feel. You were one of the best friends I have ever known and I screwed it up. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to speak to me again. I deserve it. I always let my emotions get the best of me. This time it was fatal. You are right, we live too far apart to get so close. Now I have to go on knowing that I damaged the most precious thing to me...your friendship. I truly hope you find happiness.
Just when I thought I was on my own again!!! Missy has informed me that Ex is kicking her out when he and Two-Face get married. Where else is she to go??? Know what the really shitty part of the whole deal is? The reason is because her two teenagers are moving in. They need the bedroom. The irony is that kicking out my son, his first step-child, was the final nail in our marriage coffin. Now he’s willing to kick his own daughter out to make room for two new step-children. I’m so angry I want to kill someone!!!
Her eyes are sad. Her eyes are cesspools of the pain she has endured throughout her life. Even when she smiles, her eyes are sad. The hard life she has lived is etched in her wrinkles but it’s her eyes that carry the weight. Now I see those same eyes reflected back at me when I gaze into the mirror. Sad eyes. Lonely eyes. I never wanted my mother’s eyes. I used to have happy eyes. I cry far too much now. My heart is heavier than I’ve ever encountered. The pain of being single again has taken a toll.
She never learns her lesson. She continues to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. When will she just stop??? Why can’t she handle disappointment with more eloquence? Why does she let her emotions get in the way? When she adds alcohol to the emotions, watch out!!! She opens her mouth and blasts the nearest target. She has hurt people with her vicious tongue lashings. It hurts her to the core because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone, she doesn’t set out to hurt anyone. She’s been hurt so much you would think she would know better.
There are two times that I feel preaching is inappropriate...at a wedding and at a funeral. Today it was at a funeral. The preacher in question began a tirade of hellfire and brimstone beginning with Adam & Eve and following through to Revelation. Thank God we were a little late and had to sit near the back. I was feeling so uncomfortable with his rant that I had to get up and walk out. He went on and on for an hour. Bryce would not have been impressed. I swear I saw the casket jump just a little bit.
Is someone trying to play a practical joke on me? I decided to go on to one more dating site, a pay site, and join for one month. That’s it. If nothing happens, I quit!!! While I was at my lowest low mourning the loss of my friendship with Ireland, I received mail from Mr. Italy. He was interested and asked if we could chat and get to know each other better. We chatted only a few times and he’s already saying he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me…in Italian no less.
I am treading very cautiously. I don’t think anyone has ever come on so strong so soon. Either he is the real deal or I am the most gullible person on earth!!! Seriously, I’m not buying into it. We have to meet before I will ever give my heart to someone online again. The crushing blow to invest so much energy and affection into a relationship only to never meet is devastating. I will proceed with the utmost care of my heart. It simply cannot take one more man making a fool out of me. Heaven help me…pretty please???
This is getting very interesting. I can’t quite figure out his game, but I’m on it. I missed my calling. I should have been a detective. I have been corresponding with Mr. Italy for less than a week. A lot of what he says seems to ring true, but there are red flags. I’ve searched the number he gave me and it does trace to a land line in Santa Rosa. A search of his name online only reveals a soccer player, cardiologist and photographer. A search for his name in the United States comes up empty. Who is he???
Why is he playing games? I can’t imagine anyone going to all the trouble to pay for a dating service and then lie about who they are. The first red flag was the poem and letter he sent me just after we met. He got very personal very soon. He said he was taking a new picture of himself and sending it to me, but it was one I had already seen on his profile. He professed his love for me and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We haven’t even met. Fishy indeed!
Why can’t I be gay??? Men have used me and abused for the last time!!! I will never understand men!!! They aren’t looking for love, they are looking for fun. Well, I am here to tell you that you can have fun and love at the same time!!! Why would a man go to the trouble of setting up a phony name with phony pictures on a phony profile just to play some elaborate hoax??? I have had enough of the silly fucking mind games!!! Isn’t there any man out there, nice and nice looking, who wants a lasting love???
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