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01/01 Direct Link
I ATTEND A CONTROVERCIAL CLASS known as Human Sexuality and Inheritance. This class seems to be populated solely by giggling girls and high-fiving guys. By attending college, you are claiming adulthood and are beyond childish tittering. Apparently, I was misinformed. During today’s lecture about the epididymis, a structure of the penis, one of the girls stated that the vagina has 9,000 more nerve endings. Her source for this data - a Broadway musical entitled “The Vagina Monologues.” Toss your opinion into the crucible of the scientific method; don’t just say that it is true because you “saw it on TV”.
01/02 Direct Link

‘DIE’+‘T’

I have been blessed - or cursed - with a user-friendly metabolism. This apparently makes me horrifically unpopular. If I had a nickel for every time I hear "You’re eating WHAT? I hate you!" I could retire to Jamaica and spend my days sipping umbrella-topped fizzy beverages.

Because of this healthy affliction, I have never seen the need to embrace a diet. Even the kooky and fun ones, such as the all-protein diet - all the steak you can eat, just ignore that baked potato.

Death comes knocking on everyone’s door, and I’d rather be found with a Porterhouse than a parsnip.

01/03 Direct Link

But...!

I was taking a poll for my controversial college class and asked a question of a tattoo-encrusted woman with so many piercings that any pincushion would feel naked by comparison. "Oh," she replied, dripping with sarcasm, "you mean that I should do all of your work for you?"

This cannot be! Such a grave insult must be avenged! In a voice like that of Zeus booming from atop Mount Olympus I spake thusly:

"..."

I have never been one for a snappy comeback; mine are more come back later.

"My poisoned pen is mightier than the sword!"

Sure, kid.

01/04 Direct Link

Vacuous Vegetarians

I am an advocate for looking before you leap. If you want to be an "X", consider the "X" position from all angles and (gasp) do your homework. Having a conviction intelligently premeditated strengthens your character. I know a gentleman who advocates socialism. He claims an answer for every ill - and is a delight.

However, there are those who cling like barnacles to the latest fad that makes an appearance. Vegetarianism is apparently the latest.

"I would never harm poor defenseless animals just for food!"

"That’s nice. What did you have for breakfast this morning?"

"Yogurt and toast."

"MURDERER!"

01/05 Direct Link

God help us...

K-Mart placed an $850 million dollar order for goods - on credit - then denied the allowances to their creditors.

K-Mart obtained a $24 million dollar loan - and spent over half of it on new corporate jets.

K-Mart started Project Bluelight Always to undercut Wal-Mart’s prices. Wal-Mart’s response was to lower their own prices further, undercutting K-Mart.

K-Mart CEO Charles C. Conway was paid $5 million to deny that K-Mart was insolvent.

K-Mart is in serious financial trouble.

So what do the people of Kimball, West Virginia do to help save their local K-Mart?

They hold a prayer vigil.

01/06 Direct Link

Wriggle Gum

Would any long-standing producer of Americana dare to change after the spectacular failure of New Coke? The WM Wrigley Jr. Company tempts fate with abandon.

Aspartame and acesulfame K are now being used to artificially sweeten Wrigley?s gum.

Thousands of people are highly allergic to these potent chemical additives, with severe reactions. I personally experience headaches, coughing, swelling in my throat, and difficulty breathing. Research is offered that links aspartame to medical maladies ranging from headaches and seizures to malignant tumors and testicular cancer.

Is any food product that requires a warning label a good idea?

Mmmmmm....... no.

01/07 Direct Link

Meritorious Moratorium

When asked what you wished to do with your life, you answered unashamedly. You then devoted your every waking moment to this thankless task.

That you are possessed of the fanatical pursuit particular to your goal is self-evident. Long hours committed to studying diligently while keeping isolated from everyone around you have paid off handsomely.

Your chosen field of study is a hard one, combining sociology, anthropology, and - from what I have heard - some crude biology.

You should be proud of your accomplishments, for few have spread to the plateau that you have achieved.

Congratulations, Asshole!

Well done!

01/08 Direct Link

Roll over, Beethoven

I have never given much thought to the humble roll of toilet paper. I know that it exists, of course, but it's hardly on the tip of my mind. That was before my marriage.

While purchasing a package of rolls that is - I'm not kidding - larger than our refrigerator, I think to myself, adieu 'no tissue' issue.

There are no rolls left! How did this fluffy quilted hemorrhaging go unnoticed?

I think that women go to the bathroom in packs as a cost-cutting measure. One acts as lookout while the others make off with the precious TP.

01/09 Direct Link
Rhesus Pieces

We did the Blood Phenotype/Genotype tests today. These tests determine which agglutination proteins are present in your blood - either A, B, both (AB), or neither (O).

The second test we performed was to detect the Rhesus Factor. If the Rhesus Factor is present you have Rh+ blood and if it is absent your blood is Rh-.

Of course, in order to test your blood you need to obtain a sample first.

It was very interesting to see who "whimped out" and simply would not do something as simple as prick your own finger.

The cowards received an "F".

01/10 Direct Link
Geomextry

While sitting at the table, I had a revelation. It is something so shockingly obvious that I never noticed it before.

Mexican food is just shapes!

Feeling cylindrical today? Have a burrito! We can deep-fry it for you and now it's a chimichanga. If we roll them really tightly they are taquitos.

Circles float your boat? Big ones are called quesadillas and the small ones are tostadas. If we fold the circle in half you get a taco.

We have spheres for dessert made of bread dough called sopapillas. Want a scoop of ice cream? You got it - deep-fried!

01/11 Direct Link
Dem Bones

Carrie lived with us for a while a few years back. She made jewelry and was on the road constantly selling her wares leaving her dog Chuck behind.

I thought that the dog was in need of some attention so I found a recipe that I was sure would be a hit with Chuck.

I went to the homeopathic herbalist to find the esoteric ingredients listed in the recipe and even used a bone-shaped cookie cutter. I ran errands while the biscuits cooled. When I returned three of them were missing.

Munching, Carrie said "These cookies taste funny."

01/12 Direct Link
Cellular Phony

I recently acquired a cellular telephone. I consider this a mixed blessing. It is true that I am able to summon assistance in case of emergency. If the car breaks down on a lonely stretch of highway, AAA is only a phone call away. This is to provide Peace of mind.

But now my time is no longer my own. Any activity in which I engage can now be interrupted by anyone at anytime from anywhere for any reason. I can be offered aluminum siding and magazine subscriptions while camping beside a mountain stream.

My solitude, sold cheap.

01/13 Direct Link
Bronzed

Eddy! How ya doin' Ed - can I call you Ed? Sit down! Sit down! Now about this posy that you gave me... prose, right! Now Ed - can I call you Ed? - this never... never... whatever has got to go first thing. It's repetitive.

Yeah, I can see that it's all dark and gloomy - sure. And this Leonora babe is missing. Punch it! You gotta get with the times - people like rhymes! Hey! That's pretty good!

Listen Ed - can I call you Ed? - free advice: lose the blackbird.

01/14 Direct Link
Prince

Our friend Ryan originally cared for Prince. I did not say "owned" for one does not own a cat. Ryan belongs to a medieval re-creation group and is an Olympic-level fencer. He is so good with his rapier that the royalty of the group decreed that he is The Queen's Champion. With his new royal title he fought an heroic battle to defend the Honor of the Princess. Victorious, he was presented with a gift... The Princesses' Pussy.

We inherited Prince when Ryan moved into his ladylove's apartment. You guessed it - NO PETS. He traded one pussy for another.

01/15 Direct Link
Orange Crush

I love Cheetos! I am inexplicably drawn to these deep-fried "dangerously cheesy" (and nutritionally bankrupt) crunchy extruded snacks.

Of course I know about the food pyramid and the absence of The Cheetos Group, however I consider a bag of Cheetos a rather satisfying lunch.

The Nutrition Information panel states that my "lunch" contains 1,700 calories - 1,000 of which are from fat. The sodium content exceeds the Recommended Daily Allowance by more than half and there is more sugar than fiber. Oh, and you can't forget the artificial "shock orange" colouring agent.

I don't care! I love Cheetos!

01/16 Direct Link
10111101
if ( ideas == 0 ) then
writers_block = TRUE;

if ( writers_block ) do
{
listing()
{
call garbage_out();
};

freewriting()
{
RANDOM( on );
};

looping()
{
call looping();
};

boomerang();
{
set TRUE = FALSE;
set FALSE = TRUE;
set YES = NO;
set NO = YES;
set BLACK = WHITE;
set WHITE = BLACK;
};

clustering();
{
call draw_circle();
call write( circle );
while (room_left_on_page)
call clustering();
};

cubing();
{
call describe();
call compare();
call contrast();
call free_associate();
redirect --> freewriting();
call analyze();
call argue( for );
call argue( against );
call apply();
};
};
01/17 Direct Link
Wondering Wanderer

I wonder about a lot of things. I seem to be capriciously cogitating of late. No I do not dwell on unanswerable Buddha cliches such as "What is the sound of one hand clapping."

I have been wondering why. Why are people cruel when they could just as easily be kind? Why are people rude when they could just as easily be gracious? Why are people greedy when they could just as easily be charitable? Why are people lost like me and when will they discover where they are and where they are going? And why would they?

01/18 Direct Link
Poem Mope

I walk inside the shopping mall Presumably to make a call To my dear wife, who is at home (she sent me to endlessly roam within this monument to greed to get a few things that we "need".) And gifts for friends we don't hold dear Like the Postman and Bombardier.

Buying gifts for greedy people Who've ne'er seen altar church or steeple "Buy me this!" "Buy me that!" "I want a train!" "A Truck!" "A Hat!"

Consumer driven avarice Succeeded here to gather us. And in this glorious holiday You'll pay and pay and pay and pay!

01/19 Direct Link
Money

When you have it, people want it.

I consider myself a kind, compassionate, and generous soul who gives when I can, but the shear number of those approaching for a handout is overwhelming.

I have made a commitment - I will never give money to anyone who asks for money. I will, however, give food, clothing, gasoline, and assistance.

My friend is awesome. She filled her trunk with a wide assortment of useful things from blankets to can openers to meal packets. When someone begs from her, she opens the trunk and says, "Help yourself."

Beggars sneer and walk away.

01/20 Direct Link
Not tonight, dear...

I had a test today in Human Reproduction and inheritance. It was not a fun day.

Name the three major external parts of the penis and their functions in detail.

Name the chemicals secreted by the prostate gland and list their properties.

Construct a chronological diagram and describe in detail the process of penile erection.

Explain in detail how the timing of sexual intercourse can "tip the scales" favoring the siring of a male offspring over a female one and vice versa.

Compare the processes of Oogenesis and Spermatogenesis and explain whether they are similar or different.

01/21 Direct Link
Simpler Times

Was it a good idea to come down from the trees? Have we made our world a better place? I look around me and think that it is not. Perhaps we should return to a more pastoral existence. Do your really need a bigger car? Will you live better in a bigger house? Is a $500 dollar shirt warmer than one that costs just $13.99?

We have paved over the grass. You cannot rub your toes in the blacktop. Well, you can but it isn't pleasant.

That is how I feel about our unchecked progress. It isn't pleasant.

01/22 Direct Link
Gulp with Gusto

The typical American diet is terrible. I know, I know - I'm one to talk, but - do you see it?

Fast food restaurants on every corner are pushing grease and empty calories. Salt licks and beeswax are more nutritious. Soda is the #1 drink - and dentists are ecstatic. You can have deep-fried food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

The best advertisement that I ever saw concerning fast food displayed a picture of someone emptying a tray full of used wrappers into a trashcan. The caption read "The real garbage is in your stomach." Do you wanna supersize that?

01/23 Direct Link
Careful...

In our consume-or-die society the war between the "haves" and the "have-nots" has gotten ugly.

Even if you are reasonably well off you can be reassigned as one of the "nots" for even the slightest monetary mis-step. Being late on even one payment can place an ugly black splotch on your consumer report that will haunt you for seven years or more. You are turned down when applying for a job.

Welcome to homelessness.

New York mayor Rudolph Juliani routinely rounded up all of the homeless people downtown and arrested them en masse. When did homelessness become a crime?

01/24 Direct Link
Publishing Planetary Phases Proof Positive Pagan Perspective Perseveres

Every moonth, on Moonday, I feel a little loony. Once in a blue moon I may even howl at the moon, but that desire comes in phases. When I am happy I feel as though I am riding on a moonbeam. But my periods of melancholy when I discover that it's only a paper moon drive me to drink. When my mood is as deep as a crater, I share my homemade moonshine with the man in the moon. We sit for many moons watching the tides while nibbling on green cheese.

01/25 Direct Link
Know what I mean (nudge nudge)

Do you know what I find interesting? When you are "on the make" anything - and I mean absolutely anything - can be interpreted as sexual innuendo.

In a restaurant when the waitress asks "Would you like whipped cream on your pie?"

A grocery store's shelves are full of them. "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." "Good to the last drop." "Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee."

Want to have some fun at the checkout counter? Place a cucumber, a jar of Vaseline, a box of condoms, and a "D" battery on the conveyor belt. Smirk.

01/26 Direct Link
Support the College Fund

This is the slogan for the UNCF. They are calling themselves "The Fund" these days for the same reason that KFC changed ther name - they want you to overlook what one of the letters stands for.

"...with liberty and justice for all."

I am an underprivileged college student with a >3.8 GPA who is taking 16 credits this semester. However, I am an Irishman who needs SPF 6,000+ sunscreen before even thinking about the sun let alone going out under its rays. Will the United Negro College Fund help me not to terribly waste my mind?

01/27 Direct Link
Hunter Gatherer

Don't go out to eat with her unless you have a very strong stomach The way that she eats BBQ ribs is disturbing.

She licks them until they are so clean that any museum would be proud to put them on display - and then she sucks out the marrow! Bone marrow is something that you transplant to save one of Jerry's kids - not a tasty treat!

I love my anthropological throwback of a wife. Let me tell you something though - this is a survival trait. If disaster strikes I know one person who'll be still standing... and foraging.

01/28 Direct Link
Hmmm

I have no idea what to write about today.

Do I complain about the space program and how we haven't been back to the moon in almost forty years? Politics is always a hot topic. Oooo... celebrities and who's doing what to whom and how often!

Nah.

Discussing religion in America - "the land of the free" - is likely to get you stoned to death, so that's out.

How about a sordid tale of social unrest with a human-interest twist ending? Check the nightly news - those stories don't sell. Is it wrong to write about writing wrongs? Apparently so.

01/29 Direct Link
Nudity'd Off

Men and women are treated differently. Naked men and women are treated very differently, indeed.

A college couple participated in the time-honored tradition known as "the streak" - removing all of one's clothing and running all together too fast in the all-together. A bit 'o harmless fun.

Not according to the Georgia State Police. Although they were both stopped only one was arrested. Go on! Guess which one!

The male was incarcerated - the female wasn't even charged. The reason? "Nudity" is legally defined as showing one's genitals. The judge ruled that hers were internal and therefore not visible!

01/30 Direct Link
Pornograph Record

There is a difference between being privileged enough to bear witness to the consummation of boundless unfettered love between wholly committed partners and sweaty bodies grinding in reckless abandon.

You won't see it in any modern pornography, this understated affirmation. There is no money in it, and money drives the pornographer's drives.

It is a subtle thing, something easily overlooked or dismissed as unimportant in the mad rush toward the faked orgasm and the unnatural ejaculation. It will never be displayed on the front covers of the assorted sordid magazines kept behind the counter. They will never...

kiss.

01/31 Direct Link
Art

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art?

Art has been used on the symbol of life - one's own body. This corporal artform has been a part of life as far back as recorded history and then some.

Cave paintings depict warriors slathered in coloured pigments. Papyrus scrolls reveal elaborate eye make-up designs. Mummification and corpse painting were also Egyptian traditions. The aboriginal bushmen tattooed themselves with intricate designs. Circumcision in males and the stretching of the labia in females - the very genitals are arranged artistically.

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art?

Art is life.