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The phantom of new year's day...that is how I will choose to remember him. Hours spent with a stranger; battle of wits like an electrifying tennis match...ping...pong...ping...pong. Questions asked, some were answered, others left suspended like a hypen in the mind. I remembered a song I'd heard recently...I could really relate to that song, or rather a much younger version of me could...perhaps, somewhere in the labyrinth of me, this edited version still believes in, hopes for and relates to what is underlied in those poignant lyrics...but only just perhaps.
He's living in a garage...that's what they told me. He's made a makeshift hideout, they said. He is most unwell or so I've heard, never quite so bad in almost twenty years of junking. It's been a while since I last saw him; a three year while, in fact. And yet, time and the absence of visual contact or any other form thereof does not diminish the intensity of feeling that comes my way every time he relapses. He'd held the world at his fingertips once...many moons ago...but that was then.
On new year's eve I'd prayed to the goddess of surprises...please... a man with no past/present/future, just for this night, shared beginnings; fleeting moments; no strings. It's true what they say...be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. The goddess of surprises was sursprisingly receptive to my pleas - for once. One hour into 2006 and I'd met him. Unsurprisingly, however, the goddess didn't get it quite right - three days later and I find that the phantom of new year's day is still here... inside my mind...
I sent a text message to his cell yesterday... I would like to see him, I said...no reply. It does not augur well, but then I knew that already...living in a garage means you have reached the pits of your darkest domain...living in a garage means you have kissed rock bottom, living in a garage means you have given up. This is the ghost of many Christmases past. Ping...pong...ping...pong.... My thoughts flit to January 1, to the first seven hours to be exact and I recall the ghost of the man of the present...
Complacency, contentment...I've such an aversion to these words...at 38 I should settle, they say. Bullshit....I don't want a nine-to-five life, I don't want a husband, 2.5 children, a house with a fence, although the dog would be nice. I'll go it alone for as long as it takes...I'm waiting for my lion, my mate, for the man who feels compelled to be with me for me, for the man who's ready to bungee jump into new experiences..who'll share life with me...who dares to freefall...
The song pops up in my head, unprompted, trying to remind me, trying to resuscitate the unjaded in me... "When I was a young girl I used to dream of a lover... Who'd be my shining knight of strength one day... He'd take me to a castle in the heavens... And battle all my dragons on the way... And he'd ride down on a great white horse... He'd give me love I'd been longing for... He'd bring me joy and lasting peace... And on a great white horse he'd ride away with me...-
The adrenalin's kicked in...I have my reasons...have you ever felt something so strong? Ever had a feeling that something would happen, something you'd really wished for...felt that it was about to unfold...perhaps it's because I've willed it...perhaps it's just wishful thinking on my part...maybe it's a figment of my imagination...maybe it will all come undone... a few hours away...come what may...I've always subscribed to the philosophy of carpe diem...seize the moment if the moment is there to be siezed...we'll see...tonight...
Everything happens for a reason; there is a pattern to the crazy paving of life...in retrospect things make sense and our understanding of any given situation appears clearer with hindsight. There is a reason as to why paths cross at a tangent with a particular person on a particular day at a particular time in our lives...We might have a lesson to learn or a lesson to give, a test to partake or one to make...somehow in the grander scheme of things we are all connected and intertwined...a human jigsaw puzzle...an ongoing game of chess...
I was lying in bed, yesterday afternoon, totally hungover...the price you pay for excess, when the wrought iron chandelier I'd been staring into started to swing...I blinked and inwardly groaned, "ah man way too much tequila consumed last night...tmust have done sumfing to se senses..." I got out of bed (great effort this when head feels like it's stuck to pillow and pillow appears stuck to bed) only to feel the most unsteady of floors...dang!!! earthquake?? Earthquake!!!! Shit oh shit, my aptartment reduced to smithereens and I haven't even finished paying my mortgage...
It's been three years almost to the hour, since she passed away...it was windy and dismal then as it is now...I'd buried her at around this time...it's 16.42 here... She'd caught a cold and wouldn't recover although she tried. She died in my arms and as she was leaving she looked at me with such confusion as though to say, "Hey what's happening here, tell me, I feel so strange..." My feline friend...I miss you every day; Mack does too...the spirit of Apache...little bundle of grey...you...
The unbearable lightness of being...such loaded words. Awareness of an inner core, the Me inside Myself...the undefineable essence of I. To just be...so light...allowing Self to savour the frisson of life...too much lightness can infact become unbearable to contend with because there is a sense of detachment...and detachment overrides control...the surrendering of control is in turn uncomfortable...a floating sensation...anything is possible...but do I really want Pandora's box left unattended? Keeping busy becomes a must...oblivious to the fact that I am in such a hurry to go nowhere fast...
Reality is a killjoy. The perennial party pooper and I have a personality clash. I need to grow up, dad says. 5'6 and 75kgs I think I'm grown up enough already, thank dad very much, if you see what I mean. Probably means mentally...what's worse is probably he's right. Okay possibly...probably sounds too damn sure of itself. I don't like reality...she really is a grim kind of gal...you know the type, right? Pinched features, pursed lips, spectacles perched on tip of nose, always watchful, mindful... ready to slap your hand...ha...!
This evening...10th anniversary of a line...a reunion...several precious people I hadn't seen in years. I was younger then; it HAS been a decade. There were pictures on a board and I featured... I looked so fresh, so wholesome; I glowed. That is when I dished out trust like a buffet for the taking. I'm somewhat wiser now, there are lines on my face and I'm seriously considering botox but then again maybe I won't...these lines have been very much earned...a reminder of everything that was...a testimony to everything that is...
Astrology...horoscopes...star signs...whatever...scoff as one might, I know there's got to be something there... take Leo, for instance. All my leonine friends and I have many traits in common...by right we should be arch enemies if leo's reptuation of being a prima donna is to be believed; one might be forgiven for thinking that two leos would vie with each other for the limelight, this couldnt't be further from the truth; surprisingly for those not in the know, leos do not compete period. We just don't...besides, we don't need to...
I am allergic to mornings. I am a creature of the night and staying up all through the hours of darkness is a luxury for me. However, the ageing process has an irritating way of bringing even the most bohemian of us to heel. Sleep becomes important, waking up for work the following morning tends to put a dampener on the night before; you start thinking that maybe a tequila binge is not such a great idea, after all, because you have several people to meet in just a few hours...horrific as it may sound, you start to conform...
My funeral will be strictly by invitation only. Come on, lighten up, you've got to laugh! Let's face it, you can wreak a lot of having from beyond the grave...tee hee...so amusing. No humdrum affair will my ultimate send off be, oh no, on the contrary there will be much ado and hullabaloo. Going up the aisle in horizontal mode the strains of "oh when the saints go marching in..." will resound and everyone present will break out in fits of uncontrollabe giggles and an epitaph on my grave will say "I did it my way..."
I go through phases and these always precede changes...not superficial or inconsequential ones but those that reinvent a life. Whenever I feel that I am getting stuck in the cog of the wheel that spins routine I somehow always manage to make a comeback where I will myself to start over and give myself a high five. There are those days, weeks, months, sometimes even years where I allow myself to recede to has-been mode but just when it appears that I have given up, I find it within myself to pick me up at the eleventh hour...
Forrest Gump's mama used to say... "Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get."I'm going to get philosophical now...is our sojourn here on this big blue marble just a funny or not so funny twist of fate? Destiny? Has it all been mapped out so that we are helpless to change the course of our lives? Has it all been written in the stars or the will of one god or another?? Are we really just puppets on a string? Ventriloquists' dolls? Actors on a stage? Masquerade? A Charade??
I have always enjoyed that brief respite when delving into a world made up of words...word after word creating another setting; another time; another life... Worlds, lives, personalities, eras, mindsets... all sitting on a shelf...stories in a book. I love to read words and I love to write them. I am...so I read. I am...so I write. That's the way it's always been with me. It's the healthiest form of escapism, the most effective therapy, the greatest medium ever for self expression, the clearest mirror, the most intoxicating detoxification...for me...of course...
An ancient house in a village...long standing friends and a guitar. A great comedian who had everyone in stitches. Much laughter and the comfort of knowing each other so well. There are certain nights which will remain engraved in memory and which you are aware, even as they unfold, that one day when you grow old you will dig the particular evening up from your archive of 'nights to remember' and smile fondly. And the jukebox inside your head will play..."When I was younger so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way..."
Watching a documentary on wildlife featuring the big cats, I always find myself smiling secretly, like I know something that everyone else does not... that is because I relate. Just like a lioness, when wounded I become a force to be reckoned with, my roar gets louder, but then after all the song and dance has been performed I will take off to a secluded place beknownst only unto me where I will lick my wounds and shed a tear or two in solitude's privacy... The lion's mark (in my case lioness's) is really very much felt...
Please allow me to introduce myself...have some sympathy for the devil...the angel... in me. I'm never a pastel colour...in between...pretty pink not me. I'm bold gold, brazen red, stark black. I am not easily compartmentalised; I do not fit into a given slot. I am very individual, sometimes paradoxical...extroverted, introverted, sociable and solitary - I have my quirks and I acknowledge them.I am fiercely independent, spirited and self-sufficient, but not to the exclusion of intimacy or love. I do not compromise on integrity or loyalty and am generally extremely comfortable being me...
Too many friends have crossed over to the other side...the list is getting longer...the ones that come to mind...six guys and a girl.... gone before age 40. Sometimes I sit and wonder what it must be like in their dimension...what kind of place it is they're at....I really sit and wonder and would like to think that they've re-met. A singer and a drummer, an artist... priest in the making, a hotelier...a goaler too...They were also sons and daughter, sister and brothers, husbands and wife and three were fathers too...
This is the year for change...I know that already. I'm ready to inject new life into what has been a rather mundane existance of late. There is so much I want to experience before I exit world stage and I am going to set it all in motion. In these last twenty four days I've covered a lot of ground...most importantly, I've separated the wheat from the chaff...I know what it is that I do not want but even more significantly, I am gradually coming face to face with what it is that matters...
Christmas day is one month old...the passage of time is such a fleeting matter...now you see it...now you don't. Should I stay or should I go? Now that is the question, dear Watson...and if so where to?? I wouldn't be asking you, dear Watson, if I knew...some illumination is desired; required. An actual journey or one that takes place in the mind?? The heart, dear Watson? The heart, did I hear you say?? What a strange suggestion! Why take this stance?? Do you know something that I am not privy to...Watson... perchance???
The kiss that changed a friendship...it's what happened tonight. We've danced around each other for long enough (more than a decade ) and it finally happened. It's funny, isn't it, that we're never too old to get drawn in by a kiss, admittedly a very long one but just a kiss nevertheless. The mind may grow wise but the heart will always succumb to that adrenalin rush which comes about when a potential love interest shows...well...interest. Simple as that sounds the mating dance (don't you just love the imagery!) is anything but...
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return...that's what they say in the Moulin Rouge...the movie. Love seems to elude me...oh I've been loved and I have loved...there were many men who loved me...until they stopped loving me...get my drift? But what about the one love that lasts forever?? I used to believe in that once upon a time; I believed that love could overcome any obstacle...once upon a time I believed in fairy tales...I guess my problem is that I still do...
Writers' block... I sit and stare; I type and delete; maybe I'm just being way too private about what it is that I actually do send out into space. Writing is like offering little bits of yourself...sometimes I'm fine with that...sometimes I just feel exposed. Sometimes feeling exposed is not a bad thing...sometimes it is. What is it that I am trying so hard to hide?? Maybe it's just the knowledge that once something has been verbalised; put down in words, it's going to stay there, spoken words can later never be unsaid...
Somewhere out there on the other side of the world there lives a man whom I once loved with all my being...mind, body, heart and soul. Somewhere in here there are the words that he once told, written down on paper...spoken words can later never be unsaid...I found them yesterday...love letters. Somewhere out there, just half an hour's drive away there lives a man in a garage who I love in a different way...I also found his words on paper and those of others too...spoken words can later never be unsaid... can they??
Stayed up all night chatting with a dear friend...nothing is more therapeutic than girl talk when the friend is someone you really trust and are on the same wavelength with. We chatted for 12 hours solid without any pauses, commas or silence. My cats, all seven of them, looked at us in awe and every now and again joined in with their contributions mainly in the form of mews and purrs. We spoke about men of course...we became analysts and dissected and bissected the species from Mars with a rigour that would have put Freud to shame...*chuckle*
The intricate art of self respect is a long winded process...its learnt by trial and error, by tribulation and at a personal cost. The good stuff never did come easy . I've earned my self respect and because of that I earn respect from those around me.Self respect sometimes means taking the longer road, it means delaying gratification, it requires patience. It also means biding my time; refusing to sell out; it requires the strength to resist temptation; it means knowing what I deserve and not settling for one iota less...january has been a good month indeed...
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