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“there must be some way to purify you and not destroy the wonderful tussin within.” He pleaded with the bottle. “if I were to tell you that, then you wouldn’t appreciate the wonderful insights I can give you.” Retorted robitussin. The boy shifted in his chair, scratched his chin and was about to talk when he jumped to his feet and ran out of the room. returning with his home chemistry set, he shouted “I’ll find out the mystery to your synthetic construct and share you with the rest of the world.” And so the first utopian civilation was founded.
After midnight, I let it all hang out. Oh yeah, eric and I get down every single night aftermidnight, it starts with the phrase and then the notorious butt dance, then progresses into every action or word I say, getting more and more funky until it all hangs out. Funky like george clinton or p-funk, not like marky mark and the funky bunch, nor like my never before washed neoprene caving socks. However, before I realize it I am sitting, jamming, and writing my one hundred words for the day. I love to just let it all hang all out.
Let me take you down, cause I‘m going to strawberry fields. Avoiding work by all means necessary is crucial to college life and from this point on. To be sucessful you must learn to “delegate” your work to others and take as many and as frequent naps to interupt your daily-life as much as possible (except to obtain food or other desired bodily or mental stmulus, eg. sex, food, playtime, chill-time, etc.) If you can do these two seemingly simply tasks then you too can live a completely non-productive yet amazingly satisfying life. So don’t work and sleep equals bliss.
I am beginning to think I need to leave the country. I can’t live where I have no rights nor support the government. Before the Bush administration it was tolerable, but since the whole attack on the trade center, I don’t think I can handle living with this guy in office. What kind of people are we to elect this man into office… oh that’s right we didn’t. What a farst. This country has gone down the shitter and no one seems to give a damn. I think I am going to bail soon. I can’ stand it here anymore.
This political thing has really been getting to me recently. All the bombings and Ashcroft on the news. Why doesn’t anyone realize its fascism? We live in a fascist state pushing war like it is going to be the next craze. I think everyone needs to read up on their “brave new world” or watch starship troopers and note how the government posts advertisements for the war. It is truly sickening. And worse so, everyone seems to be going along with it. Where are the protestors we need to unite? They are getting quashed. There is something dreadfully wrong here.
I sure am glad that my rights as an American were recently curbed. I truly missed fearing the government could come and kick down my door for no reason in the middle of the night. I’m glad they can search my house and tap my phones on a whim. What the fuck are Americans thinking? Don’t let the government use a terrorist attack to tighten the grip of big brother. The government is taking advantage of the people and the people don’t seem to realize its happening. Why are people so stupid? American is acting like a herd of sheep.
What is happening in Afghanistan is a massacre of innocents. America has no right to decide who makes weapons and who hides “criminals”. The fact that the US can go and raid and bomb another country and then make a list of countries it is coming after next is absolutely frightening. Can’t anyone see that the government is overstepping its bounds? Because of a terrorist attack on the US, the government claims the right to go and bomb thousands of people to destroy the mysterious and elusive “terrorists”. Doesn’t anyone see anything wrong with this picture? The revolution is near.
‘Why fight yourself?’ Asked the half-monkey norweigan gnome. ‘But I don’t understand’ cried little Otar. ‘just do what ever comes naturally, do that an you will be happy. Don’t mind what others say. They may try to stop you from living how you want to or even attempt to kill you for what you believe in.’ Otar’s eyes grew wide. ‘why would they want to kill me’ ‘because you are different. They can’t phathom why you would want to be different. And to allow you to live a life other than their own is inconceivable.’ Otar’s eyes welled with tears.
What are all the little puppies doing in the yard? I thought they all went in for supper? Oh no, the gate was left open and they all ran outside. How am I ever going to round up all eight floppy puppies by myself? I know I will ride my big wheel out and put them in the front basket. Then I can hold as many puppies as I can get a hold of! But first I will put a blanket down in the basket so their little bottoms don’t get cold. I wish I could scoop up puppies everyday!
Stress is a great thing. You work yourself up real nice like then you have the motivation to ignore all self cues that you are hurting yourself. The override of all negative alerts for lack of sleep, pain, and hyperactivity. Fortunately this high lasts about a week before you have to crash and let your body heal all the bad things you have been doing to it. It ties in nice with finals week. This is the beginning of my stressful week. I suppose it all started yesterday. But I am ready for the rest of the week, I think.
I sit lounging on my couch in my living room making the window in the room stretch out lengthwise and sideways. Using my hyperactive mind to warp and twist my vision is only the beginning. Hieghtened preceptions is not only a good stress induced physiological change, it’s a really fun one too. I like to sit and psych my mind out too, get myself all paranoid and borderline losing it then resolve myself and laugh about it. I suppose it is just something to occupy my mind while it is racing, taking in all the information I cram in it.
Today was the last day of finals. It’s a pretty good feeling, knowing that I only have to go through finals week one more time for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I love finals. The stress and everyone around you feeling stress too, it all compounds and everyone is on edge. Its really fun I think. I personally enjoy the insomniac side of me that comes out and flourishes in such high level stress environments. Then at the end of the week you can just crash since your body has been heightened for an entire week.
The day after, started with a hangover and an early, morning cold shower. After selling books for beer money and a brief visit to work I will be off to explore the great underground realm. I can seek solace and cleansing from my stress filled past four days in a nice cool, damp cave. Where else would I want to be on a day like today? I can think of few other places I would like to be. One might be bear heaven in West Virginia. What a beautiful landscape. And who would have guessed… there are caves nearby also.
My mind is numb. I was thinking too much and getting too depressed, I had to stop. I unplugged my mind and plugged into the internet. A few quick emails, visit a few websites to fuel the ideas for my own page, then I am set for bed. I really am lonely, I miss being together. I miss holding hands, kissing, talking. But the one thing I do have are my feelings for you and they are what keep me going. They let me know how much you care even though you are so far away. I am in love.
I just realized that there are three hundred and sixty five days a year. So that means I get to write thirty six thousand and fivehundred words a year because of this hundred words a day thins. Fuckin A that’s a lot of words! I don’t know if I know that many words. I mean can I actually write that many words? I don’t think I have done it yet. That’s like thirt six, thousand word essays. I think I have done about 15 maybe. And I don’t right much other than that. But still that’s a shitload of words.
Having nothing to do and nothing to worry about is a great thing to have. I think I am beginning to fully appreciate the lack of desire to do just about anything. To some it may be a curse, they cant accomplish anything. To me it’s god sent. I mean how can you not accomplish anything, when you have nothing to do? It frees up the whole day to go meander along and do as you please. Yeah this whole nothing to do and so much time to do it in is really cool. I’m obviously not a motivated individual.
There is just so much time I have to spend! Nothing to spend it on what am I to do. I think this nothing to do thing is getting to me. I understand that nothing to do can be wonderful. But once you have nothing to do for a long period of time it gets hard trying to fill in the spaces with SOMETHING. I mean I can only sleep so many hours of the day. At my best , which is really poor, is twelve hours then what am I to do the rest of the twelve? What next?
For some reason I think I am getting stressed. Now I know what you are saying, how the hell can a twenty one year old college student during winterbreak sitting at his house all alone be stressed? Well I cant figure it out either. I think I function better when I am doing stuff with people in my life. I mean put me with Sacha and I swear I can get anything done. Leave me alone and I am going to work at two and back home by five and I still have accomplished nothing. Yeah I’m a team player.
Only eleven more days of me being stuck alone in my house. In just eleven days I will return to my house with Sacha. I am so excited. I think I will just have to kick back and enjoy myself and the complete lack of things to do before I go back. I will try to be productive but fail miserably. Yes this is my plan. If only I can find the motivation to lose all motivation and accomplish nothing… perhaps I can do it. But sleeping more than twelve hours a day is a task in and of itself.
I am pretty damn excited over this non-functioning laptop I just won on ebay. All I need to do is buy three components and I will have a fully functioning pre-pentium computer! I suppose this is what pushed me over the edge. I was living in denial, I am a loser and I don’t know how to help it. The laptop sealed the case before I thought that the random computer cards and removable drives was all in good suspect. But all suspicions aren’t needed, it is official. I lost it, the only help for me now is the sanitarium.
Its might actually feel like Christmas after all. Until this morning it hasn’t felt like Christmas at all. Nothing magical in the air… and about seventy degree weather? Nope not Christmas to me. But now that it is thirty something degrees out with the highs in the twenties for next week. I think it might turn out to be a good one. Today riding my bike around it began to not only flurried but actually snow. I got to ride through windfuls of snow raining down on my face and body. It was wonderful. I think I like this season.
My first day at my parents, away from the vacant building I have come to know as home in the past four months. I have grown quite attached to my new residence and it has easily passed the transition from place I live to home. What is it that makes the difference between a place to live and a home? Is it the fact I call it that? Is it somewhere I would long to be if I were away from it? Or is it home because I associate that with where the one I love is? This is home.
This Christmas thing really is lame. All it is, is a nice excuse for everyone to go out shopping for loved ones and spend entirely too much money on mostly lame gifts that half of the people will go and return the next day anyways. I really don’t see the point. If they really are loved ones then why do you have to get them something on Christ’s birthday anyways? Damn the consumerist society that we live in. I wish we just didn’t celebrate Christmas. As you probably can tell I have yet to find the perfect gift for someone.
I should be all geared up for the season now but I just am not. I have separation anxiety or something which I am having trouble controlling on top of the fact that I finally concluded my Christmas shopping this morning. Now one may think that shopping for one person is relatively easy, well not for the perfectionist in me searching for that one gift. The gift that will bring enlightenment to my Pollyanna recipient. Well I was finally able to let go of my perfectionist telling me to hold out and went with some other instincts dug up inside.
‘So this is Christmas’ I bet you Santa cant stuff what I want in his sack. And the birth of Christ wont be able to touch it either. I think that if I honestly could get anything for Christmas it would be a world at peace. Not for a day. But for ever. To instantly transform the world into a group of caring, not hating or bigoted, individuals set on helping one another. And along those lines maybe fate could erase religion. It seems to spew forth the aforementioned. Just have everyone sharing and caring for one another. Novel, eh?
I am really glad that I didn’t get much as of presents this year. I really don’t need anything. I have enough money for food and shelter (which is much more than many of the Afghani families have right now) and love. ( oh I definitely have that) so everything else is pretty much padding. I definitely don’t need the latest in clothing designs offered by Abercrombie or J. Crew (sorry for the shocker Dennis) My present to myself this Christmas was realizing I don’t need these things and that I am glad I don’t. Well, that and a laptop.
Why don’t people appreciate what they have and who they are? I think if everyone appreciated themselves more it might enlighten them to extending that joy or contentment in themselves outward to those around them. Before you know it the entire world would be brightened by billions of people happily interacting with one another and enjoying their diverse communities and accepting all the good things around them into their lives. We are hurting ourselves when we don’t embrace one another and I just don’t understand why it is taking people so long to figure this one out. Its not working.
The duality found between focusing on the good things of life and the bad things of life is astounding. It brings me back to my initial thoughts on many Buddhist thoughts and some of the samurai code. Focusing on not just the good or the bad but just accepting what is actually there. Opening up your mind to all the possibilities at once and just realizing that it all is around you. So I wonder time to time if I am ‘happy’ because I focus on only the good. Or if I am actually just accepting all that just is.
I am sick of work and not enjoying my life with the one I love. I miss frolicking between classes or just down the street in general. I am sick of driving this silly car back and forth to work, I would much rather walk… oh that’s right there are no sidewalks where I live. I am so glad I live in a community concerned about the lives of the people in it. Well I know life isn’t in reality much better when I am with her, but it sure as hell seems it to me. I could scream now.
Not being able to see, touch, hear, or taste something you love is horrible like a terrifying nightmare. Escalate that idea to living it day in and out, it becomes a living hell. The torture of being away from what you desire is definitely a horrible thing, yet sometimes we willing put ourselves into these positions. Though mind you once it has happened before the willingness to do it again goes away. It partially reminds me of burning your hand on a hot pan. You do it once, but you don’t do it again until you forgot about the experience.
Reconnect to the mother ship. I believe that George Clinton’s words somewhat fit. Reunion with that which I longed for has finally come. And oh how wonderful it is. It was even very hard for me to find the time to write this today as not to draw a single moments attention away. Even now I look with a smile upon my desire and soak in the beauty that is now tangible. No more imagining or hoping and wishing. Its here, mine now and I wont let go. The shades were drawn open and I rest soaking it all in.
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