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08/01 Direct Link
Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt. Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt Pain pain pain pain pain Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP Please
08/02 Direct Link
Dave. Big, loud, loving, confident, happy, determined, funny, adventurous, hairy, big smile, safe, unmotivated, dedicated to his work, capable, strong, average size member, understanding, does not understand what I want, pigheaded, immovable, stingy, cheapskate, WalMart lover, fabulous lover, smart shopper, garage sale hound, sale maniac, knows what he wants, not very street smart, uneducated, mean, bossy, cheater, dumper, obstinate, tall, big round tummy, loves to have his nipples sucked, knows every inch of me, can start me up with one touch, passionate, Christian, ornery, single-minded, beautiful, soft, able to throw me across the room. He is everything I ever wanted.
08/03 Direct Link
Clutter, Clutter, Clutter, Clutter, Clutter, Clutter, Clutter, Clutter In my lifetime. In my life. In my room. In my house. In my mind. In my heart. All around me. To clear the clutter I need to let go. Let go of my heartache. Let go of the past. Let go of my fears. Let go of my shields. Let go of control. My responsibilities are to myself, my husband, my family, my job, and my community. To clear the clutter I need to start inside me. Go away clutter, leave me alone. Let go of clutter Let go of clutter
08/04 Direct Link
Imaginings My dreams. I dream of visiting Alaska, Ireland, china, the lower forty-eight, and revisiting Germany. I dream of being a great teacher, a wonderful, caring wife and mother as well as a generous person. I dream of adventure. I dream of traveling the world. I wish for more time, money, and children. I want to develop myself and grow with those around me. I dream of being surrounded with beauty, respect and love. I do not want to wake up from this dream. Hit the snooze one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time please.
08/05 Direct Link
The noble eight fold path and me. To follow the path I've chosen I need to be guided by eight simple rules. Right understand Right thinking Right speech Right action Right livelihood Right effort Right mindfulness Right concentration To better myself along this path I need to: Develop a routine Read my meditations daily Write daily Study my books about the path Determine my core values Develop a system to check my devotion to these values To be true to myself and my path I need to be true to my feelings, core values and show everyone that I am.
08/06 Direct Link
What I learned in group therapy these last few weeks. I found kindred spirits, peace, guidance, strength, wisdom, how NOT to deal, who to turn to when I need to deal, when I should deal, not to judge- myself or others, and communication is the key to all relationships. I am working on not isolating, not judging, not shutting down when triggers appear, and letting others know when I get a trigger. I hope these will help me to grow as a person. I have strived to be my best not knowing what my best was. Now I can try.
08/07 Direct Link
My master's degree! I just learned I was accepted into my master's program. Yah ME!! I am excited. I am just as scared. What if I am not good enough? What if I cannot do the work? What if I cannot find the time? Or make the time? How will I do this work all on line? I kinda like the traditional "classroom" idea. Just show up, listen & do the work- get an ‘A'. How hard can it be, really? I have tried the freebee classes from Barnes and Noble, did not finish one of the four I started.
08/08 Direct Link
Work. I work in sales- the shittiest job ever! What I wouldn't give to teach! I love to sell most of the time. But I hate the pay and the customer service issues. Some people should have to take an aptitude test before applying for a cellular phone or purchasing a satellite TV system! If you are not sure of what you are purchasing ask questions! I would rather you thought about what you are getting into than have you come back and bitch at me. Remember this: Read the fine print, ask questions & say "no" if you want.
08/09 Direct Link
Today is my birthday! Woo hoo! I am old. Older than I ever expected to live to be! When I was young I figured thirty would be the oldest I would ever get. Damn, thirty-seven! I even have 4 kids! Damn. I never wanted any! How do I deal with these mistaken beliefs? I guess I should replace them with ones that are more along "mainstream". I will probably live to be 100 and die a lonely, hermit lady! Wouldn't that just be a barrel of fun? Life goes on with or without me, whether I am active or not.
08/10 Direct Link
The picture of a healthy relationship: Accepting of one another's good and bad points. Love one another. Open, honest, easy communication. Help each other out. Have things in common. Show one another trustworthiness. Be supportive. Give positive encouragement. Who do I know like this? How do I rate? Well, I have very few "friends" and I guess the one I would compare with was not a friend but I am a big flop as a friend. I expect them to actually love me back! How silly and selfish of me! How could anyone love someone as stupid as me? Huh?
08/11 Direct Link
Clinging to relationships and things leads to of that relationship or thing. Clinging causes suffering in that it stiffels the very thing you grasp. By holding on too hard it slips away. Rejecting things or relationships also causes suffering. You miss opportunities by not allowing that thing or person in. Only by learning to enjoy and experience everything in all its transience will lead us to happiness. The profoundness of this was too great for me to pass up. I have held onto my past like a shield or even a badge. Wearing it proudly to defend against the future
08/12 Direct Link
The interrelatedness of greed, desire, clinging and rejecting the hunger for things, people, relationships or power causes us to become dissatisfied, bored and disinterested with what we have and to start looking for the "newness" again. The excitement of the "new" is almost taught from birth in the west. Here is a capitalist country which breeds capitalism into us. Commercials on TV, radio and in print taut something as "new and improved" which generates excitement so we cannot live day to day without that fix. "The American microwave mentality." "Instant gratification. " "I want it now" "I want it yesterday!"
08/13 Direct Link
"Greed and desire are the links in the continuous circle of excitement and boredom. They are the cause of suffering. It is for this reason that we strive to practice mindfulness in our daily lives. Through mindfulness we will learn to experience our lives without constantly and hungrily grasping for more." I read those words and was kicked in the head! The article spoke to my soul. It talked of how we become bored by relationships, how we constantly shop for things, and instant gratification. All my vices exposed. Who let them into my life? How? Now I am paranoid!
08/14 Direct Link
Be in the moment. Live in the now. Focus on the task at hand. Forget about yesterday's troubles. Do not fantasize about tomorrow's possibilities. How the hell do I do that??! Monitoring my thoughts makes me think too much. My thoughts right now- those are beautiful roses Stephany got from her new man. I hope James does not come home too soon. I wish he would develop amnesia and loose his way home. How random are those thoughts? Weird. I wish I would learn to concentrate on the task at hand at least. I need to try harder. Try Harder!!
08/15 Direct Link
I am not "OK". I don't feel "OK" I am insane- I must be! Do sane people think like me? Do they act like me? I feel insane! Why else would I want to hurt myself? I cannot stop the pain! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! The only way I know to make the heartache go away is to get rid of the heart. How do I remove my heart? I cannot ask a Doctor to do that or to replace it- THEY would think I* was insane! I am insane. I must be! How do I stop it?
08/16 Direct Link
Confusion, confusion, confusion, confusion, confusion. Betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal. Confusion, confusion, confusion, confusion, confusion. Betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Go away, Go away, Go away, Go away, Go away. My thoughts run away without me. I struggle to gain my life back. My path is laid out before me. I must put my best foot forward and follow through. My skewered heart, frazzled brain and wary body must proceed. I'll strive not to harm anyone- physically, verbally, or mentally.
08/17 Direct Link
I go to the Buddha for refuge. I go to the Dhamma for refuge. I go to the Sanjha for refuge. "Try to do everything with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little you will have a little peace. If you give a lot you will have a lot of peace. If you let completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggle with the world will have come to an end. I go to the Buddha for refuge. I go to the Dhamma for refuge. I go to the Sanjha for refuge. Let go.
08/18 Direct Link
I touch my lips and remember our last kiss. I gently run my fingers down my neck and over my breast. It sends shivers through me. I fantasize you are here touching me. I hear your voice whispering sweetly into my ear. I remember the last time you touched me. I feel you next to me in the bed. I remember the last time we made love. I remember every sweet second. How I wish for more kisses, more touches, more time wrapped up in your arms. I want to be with you day, night, weekend, whenever, where ever, however.
08/19 Direct Link
Suicide. I want to die. It's not that I want to escape my life or some temporary problem that "suddenly" appeared. The thoughts have been there most of my life. I have tried to kill myself many times. Some were not serious. A few were serious enough for me to be scared. The worst part is that I cannot get away fro these thoughts. I want to die. I want the pain to stop. How do I get away from the pain? Who will help me escape? Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, PLEASE!
08/20 Direct Link
May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Serenity- a noun form of serene meaning quiet, calm, peaceful, placid. Peaceful- freedom from disturbing thoughts or emotions. How baffling. The meaning I interpret from the serenity prayer is one of letting go to find peace and wisdom, but when I define the words "officially" (according to Webster's) it is just about peace. What about finding your wisdom, strength and center in these words? Do meanings really "mean" anything? I am so confused.
08/21 Direct Link
I sit here and write these 100 words each night. I find my soul, my heart, my peace. Then why do I fear them being read? Will I be judged? What about when I reveal my faults and deepest thoughts? Will they be used against me? Will they hurtful or offend others? I use these words to work through my confusion and pain. Why should I be afraid? Who cares about me anyway? Who wants to know what I think or feel? I guess I am not sure that I really care who does. Why should I care about you?
08/22 Direct Link
Jealousy is a horrible thing. It is an awful feeling. I found myself jealous today. Jealous that she is able to talk to him, that she is with him in his house and that she has his name. Their marriage license was in the paper Saturday. It has been hard to get past this. The key components to the 3rd noble truth are renunciation and compassion. Compassion for others leads us to greater renunciation, as we see our own greed and attachment as a danger to others. Renunciation impels us toward greater compassion; it trades narrow greed for boundless sympathy.
08/23 Direct Link
Enter into the domain of inquiry so you may face what you fear most- yourself. You must face your very sense of self, your personal identity. With this you must penetrate the dilution and misbelieve that has keep you within your own little world. The more we look into ourselves into our self-perception the more we alienate ourselves from others and close ourselves off to the liberation truth. So to emerge from suffering we must face our true selves and honestly see it in all its painful truth. Honest self-assessment is vital but difficult. This is the path I started.
08/24 Direct Link
Trust is a big word. It has such power. The power to hurt and to uplift. The power to crush and to save. The power to shatter a life or to build it back up. How do you prove to me you are worthy of my trust? How do you prove you are worthy of my love? How do I know that if I entrust myself to you I will not be sorry tomorrow? What can you do to build my trust in you today? What can you do to help me stop building walls today? How do I trust?
08/25 Direct Link
I looked around 100 words and decided it should have a few things different on it. This seemed like the perfect place to voice my opinion. I think the search options are limited. There should be an option to search areas or countries to find people by you. I think the way they list people should include failed attempts. Say how many days in each month they tried to write. It may help to motivate one to finish a few months. Maybe even put the mug shots on the profile. These are just my ideas and opinions. What are yours?
08/26 Direct Link
I am not supposed to talk to you. I am not supposed to see you. No hugs, no kisses, no handholding, no longing-for-you looks. No walking into your work, no showing up at mine. No email, no phone calls, no text, no mail. Complete silence. I am not good at silence. I need a connection, a voice to talk to me, Arms to hold me and ears to hear me speak. I need my connection to you to be open. I want to scream through this closed door so you know that I am still here. Can you hear me?
08/27 Direct Link
Happy vs. Happy. I am not truly happy here. I am not sure I would be there. Can I be content enough to be here? Would I be happier with him? How can I be? He is very frugal. I am not. He is very stubborn and so am I. Here I get just about anything I want or need - no questions asked, but I am not allowed to be myself or to have time alone. What makes me happier-money or freedom? What is worth the effort - love or happiness? How do I choose the one I want?
08/28 Direct Link
I am not supposed to talk to you. I am not supposed to see you. No hugs, no kisses, no handholding, no longing-for-you looks. No walking into your work, no showing up at mine. No email, no phone calls, no text, no mail. Complete silence. I am not good at silence. I need a connection, a voice to talk to me, Arms to hold me and ears to hear me speak. I need my connection to you to be open. I want to scream through this closed door so you know that I am still here. Can you hear me?
08/29 Direct Link
I miss Cindi. I have not seen her or spoken to her in almost two months. That hurts. She calls HER mom now and that cuts me deeply. I wanted so badly to be her Mom. I wanted to watch another little girl grow and mature. I wanted to teach her about life, see her first love and see her graduate from high school. I miss her a lot. I want to hug her and read to her, listen to her as she reads, help her with her math problems and help her with spelling words. I miss her much.
08/30 Direct Link
Polarized. The world is so separate. Income- rich or poor or a six-figure salary or welfare. Cars- big and safe or small and fast. Living- a castle or a shack or a five bedroom, four bath house or a studio apartment. College education or ignorance or books in every room or illiteracy. Technologically advanced or no electricity. Light or dark, cold or hot. Fat or thin, healthy or sickly. Short or long, curly or straight hair. Athletic or sedentary. Mobile or stationary. Protected or vulnerable, protector or attacker. War or peace. How do we go on any longer like this?
08/31 Direct Link
Saran wrapped You cling to me like saranwrap. So tight I feel like I cannot breathe. I cannot get away, you follow me everywhere. "Do you love me?" "How much?" "Are you sure you love me?" "You're not leaving me, are you?" "You don't need a boyfriend now do you? You've got me." "Aren't I the greatest thing sense sliced bread?" How do I breathe with you smothering me? How can I be me if I have to be a part of you? Where do you end and I begin? Wrapped up in love I am mummified by you.