REPORT A PROBLEM
I walked through the door into a large almost empty room.
Ahead of me lay the only object, a casket.
As I approach tears run down my face.
I did not notice if anyone else had entered the room, I focused on the casket and the body inside.
I do not want to look at his face; I want to see his hand, his left hand.
I want to hold the two fingers he always extended to me as we walked together.
The middle and fore finger hold so many memories.
This is my last embrace.
My last good bye.
Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear.
Run, run, run, run, run.
No, no, no, no, no.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Please, please, please, please, please.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Here we go! No stopping now.
Music, music, music, music, music.
Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Look, look, look, look, look.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
Oh, my I did it!
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin.
Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance.
Toast, toast, toast, toast, toast.
Smile, smile, smile, smile, smile.
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
Now it is done!
Today I opened my eyes. Just like every other day.
I got out of bed just like every other day.
I took a shower, just like every other day.
I eat my breakfast, just like every other day.
I dressed and walked out the door, just like every other day.
The day seemed to fly by, just like every other day.
Work, eat, drive, just like every other day.
I turned on the news to mindlessly watch the outside world, just like every other day.
But it was not like every other day. You were not here with me again.
Oh, my, god.
They are nuts, insane, crazy.
They are driving me crazy.
Make them stop.
What can I do to make it all go away?
Why did I want this?
Who in there right mind would?
One would have to be blind or silly to plan to have any.
You would think we could tell our children not to do it.
But then again we want are children to have some.
Is it revenge? Or is it our own greed?
They are so cute with others, when you get them home they change.
Kids! Why have them?
How do you heal a broken heart?
The mind knows the heart is down there but the heart knows nothing of the mind.
To bring the two together is the key.
Think of a healthy, happy heart; Dream of a happy time.
The mind knows how to fix it.
But the heart knows nothing but pain.
How could he do that to me?
How could I be that gullible?
What do I do with out him?
The life after the break is long, slow & limp.
Get off your butt and live for he is without you!
Do it today.
Ok, I was stupid to think I could live a dream.
I thought he was the one, the only, my Mr. Right.
Why did I not see the signs?
Why did I let my heart get carried away with this fantasy-come-true night?
Someone please slap me.
I have been down this road before.
I have lived this pain before.
One would think I would know better.
Why risk myself?
Why risk what is left of my heart?
How did he do it?
A life without love, without risk is not a life.
That is existence.
Live it outside your heart.
Ben, Jim, Doug, Scott, Mac, Travis, Casey, Bruce, Darv, Ken,
Mike, Ross, Brian, Robb, Bob, Dean, James, Chuck…
The list goes on.
Men. Damn men.
Why did god torture us with them?
They are useless, lazy and boring.
Who has a better solution?
Same-sex relationships are just as bad if not worse.
So what is our third option?
Why do we need relationships?
How does one live without them?
They are our existence to begin with.
Family, friends, community, school
They are all relationships.
Why does love hurt the most?
What can we do to change the way we live?
How many years have gone by?
With so many words unsaid,
So many moments missed?
All the memories of happy times come back,
As reality kicks me in the face.
I don't want you to go.
I want another 34 years.
What am I going to do with out you?
I may not have been perfect but you still were there.
You may never have said you loved me, but I know.
I wish there were more words we could share.
I want to reach out, give you a hug and say those words,
I love you, Dad.
My apologies to life should begin now before it is too late.
To my little sister, I am sorry I was such a mean person all these years. I have had many reasons not to like you. You told him things that were none of your business. What a betrayal. And never once have you said you were sorry.
To Scott, how much do I need to beg you? I never meant to hurt the one I love. I just thought you would never truly love me back. I just did not see you loving me in your own way.
To my mother,
I wish I could take back All the hurt and pain I caused you. I wish I could be A happier, better daughter. I always felt lost in the crowd, even at home. Once the stories ended, I wished just to hear you say I love you, daughter.
Why wait until I was already hurting to say it. It did not help as much then as you wanted it to. I may have taken a long time to find myself, But I have found happiness with myself. Smile and say I love you once before I go.
To my children,
I wish I could give you back those missed years. I wish you could have grown up next to me and felt the love I have for you.
The three years we have had, are the happiest of my life. I found my strength, my soul and my calling. I wanted only your happiness and love. You know I love you, don't you? Can I possibly say it more often? Thank you for your trust and the lessons you have taught me. Where ever you go in life, remember I will always be there in your heart.
To my heart,
I am sorry for the years of abuse. I know I cannot make it better just with words. If I could mend you, I would. If I could never hurt you again, I would. But I am only human and full of faults. I want to be happy and still be loved by someone other than family. Do you see where I am coming from? Together we can overcome this tragedy. Together, my heart and I can be a winning team. Do you forgive me? Can you see your way to joining me once more? Just once.
Now that I have let go of my sorrows
And apologized to my life mates.
How do I move on? Where do I go next?
I found myself, my destiny, and my light, but where will it lead?
How will I know it is the right thing?
Now I am more scared than my last 30 plus years on this earth.
Work hard, first.
No, love my children first and love a man later.
Off I go into the sunset or is it a sun rise?
Which way am I facing?
I have no clue.
Courage, what is it? How do I get some? How much will it cost? Just why do I need it? I want to have the courage to open myself to him, to stand in front of that class and sing, and to get out of my house and meet new people. I need to be more courageous in my life. I need to face myself every morning and smile. I need to face myself every night and accept all my faults. Just once I would like to leave the light on and not hide under the covers. I need help.
When the day breaks, where am I?
When life calls, what do I say?
When I finally get out of my cocoon, where will I go?
I open my eyes and breathe in deep.
What new challenges will I face today? Will I fall on my face and quit or will I get up and dust myself off? What a sill way to live.
If I open my eyes and find you there, what will happen next? If you stay in my life, will you be mine forever?
Why do I have to ask so much?
What did I learn in the 80s?
Ok, let's see…
Funky hair, weird fashion, Bad relationship skills. The time of the "me" generation. What did I learn in the 90s? Hmmm, I am not too sure. I learned to stand on my own. I learned to use the system to benefit my family. But what is good about all this? Why does it matter what I learned all those years ago? You look at me and see the shell, look deeper. I look at you and see nothing. I am blind to the outside world.
That is who I am.
Bills, Bills, Bills…what to do about bills.
Win the lottery, get an awesome job that pays big and requires little effort. OK, OK…maybe I should just quit shopping. Malls, internet, catalogues, mail order, and the shop around the corner. Who needs to buy THINGS anyway? They are just material possessions which collect dust and take up space.
Reduce your stuff…clear your mind. I heard that somewhere. I am not too sure I believe it. I emptied my house and now I am more irritable.
Where did it all go?
Why do I care?
It is just useless junk, garbage, stuff.
Ok, I have bitched about my past, my love life, my bills, my kids and all my other problems, what next? I need a positive subject that does not bring me down. Love? Nope, been there…not too much good. Life? Ok, that is lame. Water under the bridge, now on to the good stuff. Learning is an everyday kinda thing. You have to learn to do new things; you learn to break bad habits so here I go! No more negatives. Get out and see the world. You, get out there.
Carpe de im.
Get up and turn this off.
Music is one way in which we can communicate.
It may be cryptic and sometimes confusing, it works. What culture has no music? Be it drums, flutes or pipes or even string instruments. We all enjoy some type of sound. Classical to rock ‘n' roll, Jazz to country. It is all music. We may not have similar tastes but I can relate to mine and you relate to yours.
Life without music would be boring and stale. What can I do to make my music heard? Open up my ears and go.
What is a friend?
What is a lover?
What is a relationship?
What can I do to fix me?
Where is my life going?
Why am I so self-centered?
Why does no one love me?
Here I go into the self-pity mode again.
The questions I ask are not answered by a simple, one word statement. These questions are ones that always hang in the air while I am awake. They rattle around in my head while I sleep. They drive me insane because I cannot find the easy answers.
Can you make them go away?
As I throw my endless words out into the abyss of the internet, I wonder why I am doing it.
Damn, more questions. Stop it.
The best way to go I guess is back to the letter format. That will give me less to ask. Well, maybe not, I asked a lot of questions in my letters. Ok, how about a simple format that bans these words:
Why? Where? When? How? Who? Will that work?
Damn, another question. Hmmm, no other way to state that one. That does it, I cannot do it.
There are just too many unanswered questions
Memories lost in the fog of the past.
Do you really want to know?
I prefer to have nothing to do with that person or particular time span. What is so important about something that happened more than 10 years ago? Do you not love the person I am today? Would you prefer that I was 13 again?
I prefer to be an adult. I was not an angel, nor was I totally defiant. I was a troubled teen, with the usual teen problems. You can profess to having been a saint to someone else.
I don't care.
This distance is not fun.
I cannot believe that everything sounds ok until I hear her laugh in the background. You still act like you did when we were together. You still have that smile in your voice; you still hug and kiss me when I visit. It is so confusing. I love you dearly, but you seem to be stuck between here and gone.
I want to be with you or be free of you.
But I really just want you to be with me forever.
How do I get you back into my life?
Please, please, please, please.
Country, Rock and roll, Jazz, Rap, Rhythm and blues, Classical, Baroque, Opera, Folk, Metal, Acid rock, Alternative, World, Reggae, Celtic and Big band. So many different types, all f which speak to your soul. All symbolize someone's dream somewhere. They pored their heart into the music just for the world to notice. So many composers go unnoticed until they are dead, or near dead. How sad. We need to celebrate all music. Expose the young to all the different ways people communicated their ideas over the years.
Go out into the classrooms and give them the boost they need.
It is an endless circle. Life.
You go through it either looking to your death or giving life your all.
What causes humans to choose?
Nature or nurture?
Your genetics provide a base while your upbringing forms many experiences to grow from. When you see the negative reinforcements you think toward negatives. But if you see positives after all the negatives, does that change you? The eternally happy, positive people drive me nuts. But the depressed, unhappy are just as bad.
Where is the middle ground?
How do you now what to teach your children?
Who are we to choose?
The months flow past in such a way that if you do not look up you miss them all. How many years have passed since I closed my eyes to the outside? How many missed opportunities have I overlooked or ignored? How can I get them back? DO I really want to? If I choose another path would I still be me? Can you go back and just undo one instant and not affect the rest of your life's progression?
Would you want to?
I don't. If I didn't make those choices I don't think I would be me today.
Today I celebrate me. I celebrate my body, my mind, my life. This has been an experience I would not want to trade. How can I not be proud of myself for my dedication, stubbornness and success? The years of struggle, sweat and blood have finally come to fruition. I see the light. I can feel the relief as I open the door for the last time. I walk with my head talk toward the crowd, my black gown flowing around me.
My arm around the most important person.
This was worth every penny, tear, those moments of doubt.
Drive on into the night. Drive on into the day. Drive toward the big city. Drive out into the country. Drive up into the mountains. Drive away from you. Drive myself insane. Run away from life. Run into the arms of a stranger. Run away from you. Run to my hiding place. Run as far as my feet will take me. Run until I cannot run any more. Stop this insanity. Stop before it is too late. Stop playing with my heart. Stop being a jerk. Stop trying to be someone else. Get your shit together and go away, now.
Drink a toast to the last of us. Toast the beginning of a new life. Toast the end of an era. How on earth did we get this far? I cannot believe the time has passed so quickly. What are we going to do next? My god, how did I get this old. I remember when I thought 30 was over the hill. Now is a distant memory. My kids even insult me by silly things they say. What do they think is old? 35. How old am I? 35. The youngest thinks I am 40. Damn this really sucks.
A is for apple, actors and animals.
B is for babies, bugs and benches.
C is for cars, cats, and cattle.
D is for dogs, deals and Denver.
E is for everything else.
F is for finally finished.
G is for gone and good.
H is for here ya go!
I is for the idiot who made me do this.
J is for just a few more words.
K is for keep on typing.
L is for the last few words of this marathon.
M is for many, many tries.
N is for no way I can do this again.
Damn, I cannot believe I had the words to write this much. I can talk this much but not write about anything and everything. Gee, who thought this up. What a way to test your creativity and ability to stick with something. Only 31 days of 100 words and they mean nothing to anyone but me. The people who browse through do not know me. Maybe after reading all my entries they will feel like they do. I hope in my 15 minutes of fame I have impacted just one. This was worth the time and effort put into it.
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