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It's funny how people can focus on what others have and get caught up in destructive self pity. Focusing on how the grass always seems greener on the other side, will not do anything to help change your life. What it will do is irritate you and cause you to miss all of the blessings in your own life. It's amazing when you actually sit back and think about all of the things that you have in your life that other people do not. All of the seemingly little things add up to make a truly unique life, your own.
How a day changes things. It's suprising how talking with someone can help to clear up misunderstandings and set things right. Lack of communication is a big reason for misunderstandings and can be so easily overcome. Mud slinging and interfering in another person's life has been averted. Being afraid to tell someone how you really feel usually just comes back to hit you in the face, so it's better to be open right from the beginning. It may hurt, and may not be easy, but definitely the right thing to do. You'll feel a whole lot better afterwards as well!
Starting your own business can be risky business and takes a real leap of faith. Your time and money are on the line, and there are no guarantees. On the other hand, when you work for someone else, there are no guarantees either and you are at someone else's whim, under someone else's thumb. With your own business, you call the shots and have control over your own destiny so to speak. Being your own boss can be a very fulfilling venture, but also very stressful as well, depending on your personality. How would you be with running your own business?
Frustration can be a very paralyzing emotion, at least for me it is anyway. When other people don't do the things that we expect them to do for us, it can be a source of anxiety. Of course I am talking about spouses. I can appreciate the fact that I can ask for help, but it just gets a little tiring, especially when they're willing to help someone else before you. The responsibility for taking care of a house can become overwhelming and monotonous at the same time. I wouldn't want to nag though, because no one likes a nag!
The day started with a degree of anxiety, which lasted throughout the day. It was broken for a while during an outing to the local skating rink. I have not skated in about twenty years, so this made me a little anxious. I think I did ok, I didn't fall, but someone told me that I should not be afraid to fall. I replied by saying, "well I guess that's a problem then, because I am afraid to fall-. I guess we have to fall in order to learn is the moral here. We don't always want to fall though.
Trust is a very delicate thing. Once it is broken, it is difficult to re-establish, I can appreciate this. If a relationship is going to work though, there needs to be trust, or else you have nothing. If you don't want to trust or are not willing to trust again, the relationship is in serious trouble. Both parties have to make an effort or it is not going to work. I think that I speak from a little first hand experience on this topic, unfortunately. Not being trusted is a horrible feeling, one that I would not wish on another.
You never quite realize how lucky you are to have a healthy child until you meet someone who doesn't. I met someone yesterday whose fourteen month old has eczema, asthma and sleep apnea. The scary part is, she wants me to care for him while she is working, which is my job being a childcare provider, but scary just the same, considering his condition. The responsibility that comes with caring for this particular child is a little anxiety provoking for me, considering he could stop breathing at any time while he is sleeping, so he needs to be watched constantly.
I had a dream last night that I had gotten a job at a new store, and during the course of our training, the store was robbed. There was guns and yelling and it was all very real. After the robbery was over, we were informed that it had been setup, to see how we would respond. I was flabbergasted, I had been afraid for my life and these people were testing how I would respond during a robbery. I attempted to find a manager to let them know that I could not work for them because of this incident.
I decided not to take on the little boy who has sleep apnea. I just didn't feel right about the fact that he didn't have a respirator when he slept or some type of breathing monitor. His mother just expected me to keep continual watch over him, like I have no other children to watch. I just could not take on the responsibility, but I feel bad that I could not take him on. I wish the circumstances were different. I'm just getting started with this business and can use the money, but the risk would just be too great.
I found a note in my stepson's backpack this morning about a project that he had not completed and has consequently received detention for. I did not say anything to him about it, I want to wait and talk to his father to see how he handled it, since his signature is on the note. As per usual, I have been left out of the loop or so it seems. Is this because they know how I will respond? That seems like a plausible reason to me. It's disappointing to see that he has inherited his father's attitude about school.
I went for a job interview last night, for a part time job. I'm not looking for work anymore, and of course I get a call for an interview. I thought it would be a good idea to accept the interview and the job if offered, in the event that things are slow with the childcare business, so I have some sort of secure income. It seems like it would be a good match for me, with the focus on natural products for health. It's something that I would enjoy learning more about and feel that I could prosper in.
Another night of restless sleep for Hannah, sometimes I wonder if she will ever sleep through the night without crying. Of course, her restlessness is my restlessness since I have to go and comfort her and get her to go back to sleep when she awakens crying. At some point I'll get a full night of uninterrupted sleep, I think. This morning it's beautiful outside, even though it's winter. It's calm and bright outside, the sun reflecting off the snow, making it look as if there are a million little diamonds in the snow. What a lucky find for me.
A gift given, then taken back. Circumstances have changed, but feelings remain, and it happens on the day before Valentine's day. Life goes on, but the past has a way of trying to get back in, a sort of test you might say. Learning from the past and leaving it in the past is painful, but necessary. Dwelling in the past only keeps you from living in the present and experiencing all that it has to offer, and it has much to offer. I believe that everything happens for a reason, we just don't always know what that reason is.
It's just after midnight, and since I couldn't sleep, I thought that I would come to my computer to look something up, and decided that I'd write my hundred words for the day. I'm enjoying this exercise, and feel that it's getting me into a routine with my writing, which is exactly what I want. I am frustrated with myself for not being further along with my writing, meaning that I don't have more articles or a book published. All in time I guess. It will happen, because it's my dream, and I'll work at it until I accomplish it.
Is frustration my middle name or is it just my imagination? Something about this relationship seems to always be troubling me. All I really want is respect and support, is that so much to ask? Some days it certainly seems to be. Valentine's day started out good and ended crappy. A decent night's sleep would be helpful too, I always feel tired these days, and it's getting tiring. Okay, so I'm not on a very positive note today, I'll try again tomorrow. Life doesn't always go the way we want it to, no big surprise, just hard to remember sometimes.
I'm reading a book right now entitled, -If Life is a Game, Then These are the Rules-. It outlines ten rules that humans should live by to reach a level of fulfillment and be at peace. I'll be doing good if I can remember half of what the author says in the book. One concept that she outlines is that we are presented opportunities to learn lessons everyday, but only if we are open to them. If we are not open to them, similar situations will keep resurfacing until the particular lesson is learned, like patience or humility for instance.
What will it take for me to get focused with my writing, beyond this hundred words per day exercise I mean? Will it take a good bonk on the head or some sort of tragedy for me to get my act together? It's what I want to do and I have certainly had the time with not working, so what's the problem? Lack of ideas, lack of motivation, fear of failure? It could be any or all of these things. What it comes down to though really is just deciding to do it, making and plan and following through, right?
I had a very disturbing dream last night. All of the details of my dreams are not always clear to me in the morning, but here is what I remember. I was spraying someone with gas because he wanted to be set on fire, but at first he could not be set on fire, but when he finally was, something went wrong and I was held accountable. I remember being paraded before people like a criminal and feeling quite guilty, and also being judged by people. It was all a little surreal. What would a dream like that stem from?
This morning when I went to feed Hannah's fish, I discovered it floating on the bottom of the bowl with a white film on it. We have other fish, and when they have died they've always floated on the top of the tank, so I found this morning's incident a little odd. I could have hid the fact from her and just sneaked in a new fish, but I thought that I should just be honest. Of course she was upset and I explained things the best I could. We took him to the frozen ditch for his modest burial.
I had another odd dream last night; this one was regarding my health, and hence a little scary. In this dream I was at a medical facility and had been diagnosed with a low white cell count. I am not sure what that actually means, but in the dream there were concerns about my health and more tests needed to be run. There was a conference with doctors and I recall being panicked because I hadn't received a precise answer about my condition, although it didn't seem good. Is this a message that I should be concerned about my health?
I'm having a debate with myself right now about whether or not I should send my daughter to junior kindergarten this fall. She'll be turning four in the summer, but I just think that four is too young to be starting school, she still seems so small. Of course she really isn't that small, she has grown substantially since she was born, but she's still my baby. She's very shy and I just wonder what impact starting school this fall will have on her. I don't want her to associate anxiety with school and carry that all through her years.
Yesterday was a rough day. I allowed myself to get caught up in self-pity and had a mostly miserable day. Dwayne sensed that I was having a rough day and did a few things to help pick me up, which was a nice surprise. First, he suggested that I go to visit a friend in Florida, which I thought was a good idea, and he also brought me home some roses after work, which he doesn't do very often, but I really appreciated it. That was a nice pick me up. Sometimes he just suprises the heck out of me.
I'm tired of things that I start not working out for me. It seems that whenever I get an idea to try something new like a new business or a diet, I start out all gung ho and then just lose steam as things don't go my way. I'm really tired of this trend and want to make a change. I need to learn to be patient and persevere to have a greater chance at success. There was a time when I was successful with what I did, school, volunteering, etc. Somewhere along the way I lost my gusto though.
I'm actually feeling okay today! I got a decent night's sleep last night, was able to lounge in bed for a bit this morning and enjoy the sunshine and also the quiet! Hannah slept in her bed by herself all night, and when she woke up crying, I let her cry for a few minutes and then she went back to sleep and so did I! Of course, it was easier for me to do that because Ryan was at his mom's and Dwayne was sleeping downstairs, so I wasn't so concerned about her waking anyone else up. How refreshing!
Have you ever been completely disgusted with your significant other? I'm sure that we've all been at one point or another. Yesterday I became painfully aware of just how boring my other half can be. This was his day, on the couch all day watching movies. I don't mean a few hours, I mean all day. Sorry, but I need some activity in my life. I have a hard time sitting through one movie let alone four or five of them. There are things to do around the house, and someone has to do them, and guess who it is?
Yesterday was the ten year anniversary of my grandmother's passing away. Wow, has it really been that long? It has and I still miss her incredibly. I never realized how much of a friend that she was to me until she was gone. I felt really comfortable around her, loved visiting her and could talk to her about anything. I think what was so great about her was that she was not judgmental, and always made me, and everyone else, feel welcome. I wish that I could have told her how special she was to me before she was gone.
Peachy day, what I'm going to put in Ryan's lunch isn't good enough, Hannah says I'm not very good at skating so daddy is going to take her. I'm wondering, will I ever be able to do anything good enough for anyone? It seems that everyday I do something that isn't good enough or not right, generally pointed out by my loving family. This on top of the fact that I'm out of work and can't seem to get a simply home business off the ground. What's the point of continuing to try when you just keep getting knocked down?
Today is going to be a much better day than yesterday. Wallowing in self- pity is going to do nothing to improve my sitiuation; I have too many blessings to be sitting around moaning about what I don't have. Sometimes it's easy to focus on what we don't have instead of what we do. Perseverance is what is needed and something will come through. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I'm not on the right path, or just a challenge to try harder. Whatever the case, I will keep on trying and remember to count my blessings.
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