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How can a single thread tie itself at the end without someone's hand? It's as much a mystery to me as I'm sure it is to anyone but it does happen. Could it be that God is lubing my inner gears up for the coming year? Making sure that all the rusty and broken springs are being replaced? Changing out my clogged logical filters?
Certainly some of them need to remain broken as it's been done intentionally but God I'm sure knows the difference. I mean I don't take this thing to Larry's quick fix and lube for a reason!
He wore thick glasses in kindergarten and it was uncool.
He wore thick glasses in grade school and it was uncool.
He wore thick glasses in high school and it was uncool.
He wore thick glasses in college and it was uncool.
He wore thick glasses to his first job and it was uncool.
He wore thick glasses on his wedding day and it was uncool.
He wore thick glasses at his retirement party and it was uncool.
He wore thick glasses even from within the casket and it was uncool.
When it does become cool, don't mistake who changed.
What was the first thing they ate out of you? Was it your eyes?.......Your thoughts?....... Your personality?........Your words?
Whoever doubts that cannibalism isn't running rampant hasn't walked down Main St in an awfully long, long time. Everything and everyone there is set up simply to take from you. And man is no longer content with flesh, bone, and blood. The cannibals have moved onto your self-esteem, compassion, virtue, and your love.
But where is the last bastion to be found during these times if we are unable to even trust one another? We have made an enemy out of ourselves.
I constantly feel that creatively my next day could be the last of my ideas. It's comparable to being lost while driving when the fuel light kicks on. You have no idea what direction you should turn to restock your supply so that you can keep on going. All possible outcomes are debatable into infinity so in the end you must take some action. And that's when you have already started to refuel before you reach the station. By choosing to go into the experience yourself without the aid of another to carry what you are unable to yet accept.
About five years ago one night I found a women online that I had been rotten to as a boy and I apologized to her. That sparked me in going and apologizing to about three or four others who I had picked on in high school. One of them had made a comment that I'll never forget: "I finally found a place where I belong.-
I'm just getting over a brief stint of seeing people whom I haven't had any contact with in years. I never had to say I was sorry, as I too have found where I belong.
"Do you ever fear that you're turning into your father?"he asked
So if my father is unaware of a problem and I see that this is the case, it means that I have recognized a problem that he is unable to. Now, if my father has some problem and I don't know that it is a problem, than I certainly could repeat this negative behavior without knowing it's consequences. So it's not really that I fear turning into my father, as I would say it's a fear of not being able to know what the truly best actions are.
If we can agree that 100% is never attainable then what do we settle for? Is it the closest to perfection but yet still undeserving of being called the absolute? Or do we look at it the other way and negotiate how much suffering we can tolerate so we can subtract from it?
Well whatever percent your sacrifice is, does it matter? In the end aren't we just searching for that missing part to make a whole? How did we get suckered into thinking that there was a perfect and imperfect? Can anything be complete while working under this idea?
The savior has returned!! He has ditched the white robe that was sooooooo 33AD and instead had a top designer put together his new ensemble. Solid gold hair now grows from his head daily and he's agreed to donate this back to the people. So we're setting up barbershops all through town to take a clip. His footsteps beget the sound of heavy dollar coins falling into a thin tin bin. Very catchy!
However there is one thing hidden by his robe. It's the shackle on his ankle, which is attached to the wrecking ball that went through our lives.
My deepest value is my commitment to helping others. But would I take a bullet for the H-head who just beat up the paperboy for his route money? I don't think I would and it's not because I have the illusion that it's a just world. I just don't have a value so deep that I would sacrifice myself for it. And maybe that's pathetic but it's true. But what's even more horrible is that I think it would be easier for me to kill for a value than to die for one. I would make a good little soldier.
-----I've---been-pullingÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€on-the-same---pieceÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€of-string-for----years. But sometimes it takes a back seat. Existence during this time is vapid. So then I return----to---the---only---actionÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€thatÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€sustains---my-interest-----yet-the---work---and---the-goalÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€seemÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€so-separateÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€from-one-another----soÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€I---quit again as I have done so many times before. Frustration increases, as I would like to be able to focus myself completely on the string. But in living I divide myself upon the request from others. Why does the pursuit to achieve our highest ideal-----have---to-----separate----everything?
"You know.....your mother asked me how I thought you were doing."
"Oh yeah, what did you say?"I replied
"I told her you were in it.-
I kept my eyes focused on the road ahead even though I knew every turn.
"What does that mean?"I asked
"Well, I think we all go in and out of it our entire lives. And even in talking with you I've become invigorated to return.-
That was the end of our only conversation on the analysis of my life. But I've been reflecting on this moment as it clearly illustrates some personal responsibilities.
How much time passes on the average day before a reference is made about the genitals? Today it was about ten min after walking into the office. Tomorrow....It shall be ONE MINUTE!! Yes that's right, I am going to make the first genital joke to start the Friday off right.
Fellow Americans I call upon you. We must take back the right to use explicit language in the office place. And if your boss gives you any guff you lay the fucking law down with a swift punch to the junk! It's the wild cubical west and tomorrow, WE RIDE!!!
Oh poor child, you are not the center of the universe anymore. I have come along and replaced you. I am your physical three-dimensional doppelganger. Constructed out of nothing more that the sum total of your clipped fingernails. Something you thought was just such a pointless action has now really come back to bite you in the ass has it not?
Anyhow, we should hang out sometime. Tea for two and two for tea. Do you take it hot or cold? I live right above the cafÃƒÆ'Ã‚Â© so afterward lets go upstairs and try to get in each other's pants.
Your noxious gases bulldozed their way right into my personal cabin without warning. Soon I was dizzy but this could have been due to the autosuggestion of my own unfettered thoughts. But you don't care now, just the same as you didn't care to begin with. And I'm still stuck with your smell.
Phase 2: Accelerate to high speed, pass you on the right, no turn signal, and spook you by slowly drifting left. Anxiety is to be your punishment for "What's behind me, not important."attitude. So don't give me any guff about this "freedom of the press"baloney.
Safe secure solid redundancy how come we are not married? Haven't we been together for enough time already? I approach you on a daily bases about this yet my advances are consistently met with contempt. Do I have dandruff? I do wash one a day and brush my teeth twice a day. Am I too neurotic? We went to counseling together. If I can't change the internal for you and I can't change the external for you what's left? I can't see it.
I hear by regretfully inform you redundancy, I'm leaving you. I just don't think it's working out.
Peril is not my enemy to be feared. It is also not my friend to walk in stride with. Long before I wandered this place it was present. And so it remains as a byproduct of the thought of our head on the chopping block. So goes for myself.
But what is the use of just another complex internal opinion? So my ego can ejaculate out through my thoughts, words, and deeds? I'm sorry to disinter the fact that I've been dispensing intellectual semen. So here is a tissue.
I cried when I realized I replaced my mother with technology.
We've been showing up at the same place at the same time for about a year now. Yet I have never seen your face. All I know is that you drive a white car and you have red hair. I would like for it not to be this way but I can't muster the will to leave my vehicle either. Fantasies about us sitting on the benches talking are as close as I can get to you. And maybe what keeps us apart is that you have the same apprehension.
I can't shake the soft regret as I drive away.
Elaborate tricks and traps of my own day dreaming deviancy have been set for you. Procuring your consciousness to a sudden halt is the objective. It is only then that my words may meld into you and self-replicate.
These are not the ramblings of a single person but observable in the most mundane conversations of others. Lulling opinions to bed so they may be blanketed and tucked in by another's. Who is on deck now?
Oh that's right, now it's you....tomorrow.... it's you again. Thank you for allowing me to control your voice and for admitting your own secret shame.
I don't want to be pigeonholed into a stone statue of a classification that you assume I belong in. I am not that, and it will do nothing more than frustrate the both of us. My individuality is not a bearded, beer gutted, fifty three year old man in a trench coat randomly exposing himself to anyone willing to give him attention. It's something sacred to me that should not be flashy or put together in such a way that it should be shocking. Maybe it's all for a good reason since I would just induce laughter instead of gasps.
This has been and continues to be a wild month for me. In short, my right lung collapsed for the second time and I had to have surgery done again to correct it. I am ok now but still not one hundred percent. Many days have been missed in writing this month so I will have to scurry to try to complete it to have it posted. I felt that I completed more personal entries in January than any other month so far and also had written two of my best pieces. I do not want these to be lost.
I've always felt that any fool can crank out one hundred words in just a few minutes. Now I am to play the part. I had suspected that it would lose meaning if a person was just to rush through the process. But there are things to learn and be filled with in it as well so long as I can remain open to be poured into, which seems to be the most difficult part. Staying in the vessel like state is extremely more difficult. At any rate, it's another one down and I don't feel guilty in my accomplishment.
If I could gather up all the soap boxes of the world I would. So on that night I could have one of the biggest backyard bonfires ever to be witnessed. Thousands of fuel tankers would empty their bellies to keep the blaze running hot. Songs of peace and love would be sung by the same people who also brought marshmallows and hot dogs. Try as they might they just never seem to get it. Because in the end it really wouldn't mean a damn thing anyhow, since the state of matter had just changed instead of being completely destroyed.
The chatter of the ER doctors was interrupted when one looked at me and spoke.
"How are we doing Ian?-
Talking between the two then resumed for about another minute or so before the attention was shifted to me again.
"How are you Ian?-
"I feel pretty good......Wait......Is there someone behind me injecting something into my IV?
"Yes there is.-
I realized what was happening and my eyelids started to become like lead doors sealing up a chamber in NORAD. I fought against this for as long as I could but in the end the curtains fell.
It's either the superbowl or the war. The bathtub of conversation has been drained and to bad nothing had drowned in it. I'm ready for the Steelers to carpet bomb Detroit because insurgents have set up camp in Ford stadium.
Three hours, that's it. It's a week long extravafuckenganza over three hours and a bad halftime show. God forbid if the plane would have crashed with the entire team on it. Life wouldn't be worth living anymore! Now what am I supposed to do with all these razorblades I was going to hand out?
Blue collar isn't glorious, it's pathetic.
The hurdy-gurdy teleprompter manipulates his visage with no iambic fluctuation. Play another one Mr. Lehrer! We've got a full house tonight. And so the mothership waits in the wings for pick-up since it doesn't do delivery. How we got these prawns I don't know. I do like a good shrimp ring circus that comes with its own cock to tail sauce.
Wordy-gurdy prosy ontology. Dear God someone take out the trash. Maybe I should do it and get the stink blown off me in the process. I've never put air in this head; this is the same air since 1981.
Six in six
The list of things to do moves forward in strange shape
Sometimes, seven in three or two in five
We attach our own suffix to the numbers according to our lives
Eight pills to take in one hour
Time's barbed wire is what curtails our dreams
Keeping us tied to the whipping post
And so finally ten looks down on nine
Since it's the first to multiply
With half standing firm and erect next to nothing
It's more of a joke than a hero
I asked four what for
All for you he said with a grin
In the time scale of technology two weeks are years gone by. I had talked with a fellow once who said, "That man is always eight months ahead."To which I posed the question, "Is that the best we can hope for? To only be able to stay eight months ahead in the tech market?" But according to the time scale thirty four weeks could be uncountable years.....
Bah, this really isn't going where it needs to. There is a good idea here but it's just not coming out the right way. More refinement is necessary. Better luck next time.
What is it that you are talking about? This compared to that? That seems to be all we ever talk about. Give it a rest, if even for five minutes. I'm not thrilled with the idea anymore. In fact I'm bored sick of it. But I tire easily. So go on and run yourself out of gas while driving on the road of my emptiness. Just do it quickly. Three. Two. One. Ding! And you're still not finished. I'll wait impatiently. Isn't this noticeable to you? Have I not made myself obviously uninterested? Let us both stop being so self-obsessed.
While on the highway driving myself to the hospital I began to fall short of breath. It felt like I was breathing through a heavy liquid and that it was slowly filling up in my windpipe. Panic set in for the first time.
"Well, this is it, I'm going to drown internally. I guess I'll find out what it's all about.- I didn't reach for my phone or try to find a paper and pen. I just came to grips with the fact that this could be the end. Then for about three seconds I became absorbed into the nothing.
Repetition among artists is not uncommon. Obsessions with subject matter for reasons unknown are the source. Tree roots, minotaurs, cubes, landscapes, and humanity area all attempts to touch the godhead.
Frustration over unnoticeable progress is an obstacle to overcome. But only if treated as such. My father has told me that all obstacles are phantoms. Understanding this then makes for good practice when facing them. Whatever it is that we are to face.
What Nietzsche said about the void is true. It has a consciousness that will consume you whole and not even let out a silent burp of gratification.
In just two weeks I've been left behind, eating the wake of life. Yet the cats still come out at night to mate and the sparrows still sing in the morning. Attachments? I aint got none. The tether didn't break; I cut it while looking directly into your inconsequential eyes. Yet I am sill not independent. I've been assimilated into the big empty. So the next time you pass a faceless stranger on the sidewalk that doesn't affirm your existence, know that you'll be here soon. God has put up a sign and it reads: "Come see the great egress!-
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