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01/01 Direct Link

magic is happening
two nights now in a row leg angels are at it and if I remember to work my leg like a leg that a the my knee bends then I am as in can do leg things that is my leg can do leg things if I shutdown the once manual now default override that for so long has been the norm

busting through scar tissue and damn if there isn't a knee cap thereunder ha and a tidy scar is making itself known as the raggedy steri-strips are starting to peel away happy new year indeed
01/02 Direct Link

thing is it's gray been mostly gray for days and I suppose it would color a mood too I'm missing the mauve somehow trapped indoors and then I'm caught in the bucket of shit model when in fact it's more on the score of reclining princess zones...it all passes it is all passing it's all in passing like now when I climb off the bull the sense of undulating stays with me, ha it's all waxing and waning it's all ups and downs

and when I asked what he looked like he told me the shape of his future
01/03 Direct Link

the sun is wondering
I am wondering how it is we so quickly forget about kindness&warmth and the difference the big difference the big dent it makes not even just between one&another but to the self about the self disrespecting others come first from no self respect perhaps no sense of self, not in a psychologically sophisticated way neither but rather in the common sense not very common sort of way got to say more than her petticoat is showing and theverysame more than that is getting hung out to dry, she wasn't one of the good guys very long
01/04 Direct Link

okay bucks&buckaroos or dudes&dudettes here's a heads up newsflash feeling suicidal feels suicidal and is inherently about disconnection about going over a known slippery slope about going past a known boundary and it is interpersonal as in fundamentally and especially the minute you tell me so and if among other things you are already feelingso abandoned why or how would you expect that your buggering off would engender me to extend myself more, anyway not me, it's a trick and a waste of time certainly a wasted appeal and this old gray mare ain't what she used to be ha!
01/05 Direct Link

...reason is a word I always associated with bureaucrats, paper shufflers, and people who formed committees that were never intended to solve anything...another dave robicheauxism (jamesleeburke)

and I'm thinking here of players of those who show up to be counted who have opinions and who are able and willing to see it and tell it like it is

it's been surprisingly still these last few weeks ha since he swept the courtyard we've not had a single blow, no wayward leaves to trip me&mybelovedStreet up

what good are we if we aren't expecting the best someone has to offer
01/06 Direct Link

and I'm remembering all ofa sudden sitting here at the table like a normal person not even thinking about my legs that are acting like real legs that don't even need thinking about drinking coffee and looking out the window and writing that all things even sitting like a normal person at the table not even thinking about my legs that are acting like real legs that don't even need thinking about takes practice so I'm practicing the sitting here like ain't a damn thing going on and ain't nothing going on except me sitting here like a normal person
01/07 Direct Link

she'd called with the dose and I'd repeated it and exclaimed mygodinheaven and she'd said it'll be okay dear itwillbeokay and I took the 7.5 in the shape of 3X(2.5) and then so I wouldn't forget I promptly wrote down 7.25
and allofasudden I'm thinking ohmygod I overdosed! I took 7.5 &then I thought na'aw what trick is this I've played &especiallyso when I made the change sotospeak 5+2+1/4(1) it surely didn't seem likely but the MA's gone for the day I'm on my own here and I'll have to wait until tomorrow to speak to theoncalldoc *teehee*
01/08 Direct Link

so as anyone including myself might have figured they don't do quarters...a perfectly orchestrated erroneously carried out action cut short ha soto speak, and for the minute I'm feeling good

anger as a way as an armor a distraction a configuration as a get up as a front as a waste as a righteousness an arrogance an egocentricity it affords us very little and it robs us blind

meanwhile asked about stir crazy housebound impatient not so much I'm just tired of the pain as it turns out, simply tired of the pain talking about robbery highway or otherwise
01/09 Direct Link

shitbucketredux

so thingisofcourse I know what a shitbucket I'm in but I haven't signedon for theblues because it doesn't needto and for that matter doesn't infact look sound smell or taste like a shitbucket and canbe and hasbeen decorated and dressed up to look like princess reclining zones so that the ambient feeling isnot necessarily stuck in a bucket of shit at all which doesn't mean I don't know I'm in a shitbucket it just means as long as I'm in a bucket of shit for the nonce I'd just as soon it be more on theorderof reclining princess zones
01/10 Direct Link

shadowcolors

his bed not mine warm welcome not always safe, in the garage behind the abandoned house smoking cigarettes the first time as if it were true love, in the canyon no phone half mile in half mile out mostly on foot I found my home there the first time

blue the color of eggs and sky
rain heavy bamboo
juncoes on the prowl
hope just after morning coffee

rest, the sound of prayer is seamless isnot whitelight ice cold against my skin

bones talking amongst themselves
the information is not all in one place
now, pain in abeyance
isyellow
01/11 Direct Link

so one foot in front of the other is not soeasy notso straightforward notso mindless as it seems another one of those things that we're good at with practice another thing to relearn same as pacing and enough is enough so one foot in front of another slow and steady and pacing is part of the learning curve now
&balance&patience
and finding another job there it is findinganotherjob however it breaks down into smaller parts I'm terrified she'd said of having to take care of other people which just means I'm not ready, I wonder how I'd say it otherwise
01/12 Direct Link

he's bunching up he sounded *different* today denseintense humorless too many words too much to do too much planning too much coming and going so headlong so much all ofasudden on his plate, she got it right maybe, back to the having a hard time with change, plain and simple keeping busy to bypass just that
like I sometimes in the midst of working so hard on just moving my leg like it would be prone to move if I just got out of the way forget to breathe he's forgetting to breathe so busy being all worked up ohsigh
01/13 Direct Link

full up into managementmode he is, asif it all needs tending &fixing&rearranging and he's TheOnlyOne who knows all there is toknow...meanwhile I too amhaving tolearn again the fine art of walking one foot infront of the other justso thinking about all the separate steps but pulling it off asif I'm not asif I don't have a stick up my ass and remembering that even though the heel strikes leg straight it is not the same as straight legged as though it were locked in and cemented there is breathing room

even though there's always a senseof somuch to do
01/14 Direct Link

they each, the cats, have their own understandingof relationshipwith my walker my extension The Beloved Street, hudu paying it the least nevermind walking under it as if she were simply underfoot or walking between my legs not seeing it as any thing other than another part of me gus and woodrow leary and wary hate the noise the unseemly rigidity of it and it being neither fish nor fowl not having a sense of it they steer clear not hissing or pissing just keeping the hell out of the way

& one of theotherhusbands wondered what name I'd given my newknee
01/15 Direct Link

tensor fascia lata
so much to make good on so much undoing so much learning; rolling forward on the ball of my foot bending my knee and lifting insteadof turning it out straight-legged and hiking my hip; feet flat&forward at work&rest andfinally having figuredout the new messages I realize it's not somuch bone pain as it is the whine of muscles in a constant stretch their fibres having for so long been accommodated out of a job so that exercising and demanding ofit that it do what itwas designed for soothes it tires it, but renders it justthesame more honest
01/16 Direct Link

visions of me
sun has come and gone come and gone as has the fog or clouds or mist come and gone and come and gone through the course of the day or the day has come and gone through the course of sun and fog I turned around another bend
dawns on me in some way Street is might nowbe fostering bad walking habits and that I'm forced to be more honest and attentive with Abel though theminute I left her behind, the phone, hooked to Street, rang like a grand ha ha but nonetheless there will be light
01/17 Direct Link

portal
there is light albeit tendered through the morning mist a used but accurate description nonetheless does it matter, he in spite of it all didn't play fair reserving the right now to oust theother from his apartment as if it were that simple
colors in their own right absent the need to be representational ha I wonder how that translates into words so to speak (sounds in their own write)though he used the ball in his abstract works hesaid to keep himself grounded and to provide the rest of us an entry a way tosee a way tobe
01/18 Direct Link

hope
reason enough for one foot infrontof the other and now I can fall inlove with him all over again he's going to save my ass good to see you he said more than once and I knew what he meant asin wow was it ever good to see him aneasy familiarity a comfortable shoe right to work and he put my sorryass licketysplit on the bike and damn& hellyes and there was full revolution and my left leg wasn't just there for the ride neither yessiree

reason enough to put one foot infrontof the other

and now I'm pooped
01/19 Direct Link

they all talk about the new mechanics, the shifting landscape, of my knew knee ha and the shifting responsibilities of the muscles I think often of learning their names on the order of proper invocations&and incantations

speaking of magic&landscapes he is frightfully naive and brings to mind magical thinking when it comes to the whys wherefores and the simple hows that are at play in a twosome and that simply being together how ever full of magic that might be doesnot render what is otherwise wrong right

there it is again, the spending time alone thing first and foremost hooya
01/20 Direct Link

another milestone gone by the good the reliable the beloved My Beloved Street still parked by the bed but put out to pasture just the same now in favor of the my cane Abel and it renders prescribes describes a more mobile me

the mist skirts the mountain again this morning but ha you I can see through it it will vaporize in the time it takes for the sun to come up over the hill east meets west indeed

and so not only am I feeling better I am getting better, there is better in the air, holy shit
01/21 Direct Link

caught between can do and can't and I guess I'm not the only one "...safety experts suspect older motorcycle riders with a lot of disposable income are buying more machines than their aging, out-of-practice bodies can handle..."it's a sassy thing, a twixt and tween a wanting willing opening heart thing a way as in when there's a will there's a way thing, ah but the visioning ain't yet perfect

and I've not missed the fact that the camelias have bloomed and the crocuses have broken ground

gastrocnemius; vastus medialis oblique; soleus

now, pain is on the hinterside of 6
01/22 Direct Link

I don't have heart for it any more, a vast landscape

after her fall, peekabo street lost her nerve, her fearlessness, her immortality, reckless abandon no longer the currency, the struggle was to embrace the fear as a way to not give in or up but to reinvent a sense of self

disrespect dishonesty perfidy malice shirking
pain affliction torment bane discomfort
care taking

none of it am I willing to embrace am I able to embrace, any is too much, yet
I am willing to reinvent my self

I don't know how to talk about pain, nevermind embrace it
01/23 Direct Link

reformulation
late afternoon and there's no hint of dark, the days are getting longer the minute has room for hope without expectation or disappointment but instead a simple generosity of spirit, I've gotten past pain as the barometer the mediator of all things, no longer the first or last thing I think of, I've no stomach for it any more; no way to decipher it anymore, no patience for its hold on me its dampening of my spirit or the way it tarnishes hope

in the last few days I've regained hope, this is the surest sign I'm betting better
01/24 Direct Link

dark gray gray light gray
mist haze dust far away sun the sound of rain before hope; Sunday afternoon empty solace not on this week's vocabulary list; blue jay cacophony uncertain memory tangled in the bedsheet; orangegreen with a tug of mauve surrender out of reach; love misspent uncertainty the inertia of wanting the tarnish of pain

walking beyond yesterday I noticed this morning while making coffee that standing there at the kitchen window with the new coffee filter I've have the same thoughts of thanks since I first stood at the window making coffee lo those many years ago
01/25 Direct Link

tempting or easy or a downhill slope, defining oneself formulating oneself understanding ones importance in terms of his job, to see oneself as redundant unimportant or easycome easygo when the job is undercut &the same temptation to be rocked asunder to have ones life ones sense of his life its attendant shape and perpetuity rendered meaningless or moreso mute but it's all false
justas the sense of importance related to the job was in the first damnplace, we'll see how it goes

I felt a fleeting first response stomach hit now I'm more sanguine, going for we'll morethan manage tyvm
01/26 Direct Link

so we each hear from our own quarters by devices of our own making she got the message from god finally when she broke her finger so she couldn't goback to work eventhough she already knew that but hadbeen making plans asif anyway, me I think I'm equally stubborn

and the vine slow but ever sure offeredup another one of us fallen and I realize the statue of limitations for connectedness isnot simply day in and day out and is another one of those what your made of measures

so cleared todrive, toswim, towalk totake motrin; good for sixmore weeks
01/27 Direct Link

I've been struggling with the reluctance to write about notonly thepain...I get sotired and it's sohard and nothing comes out quite poignantly enough...but now as it dissipates as it's dissipating and I'm cleared to start taking motrin again and havecome toneed less narcotic pain relief I now amneeding to come to grips with the emotional fallout *ha feelings ha pain* which had been equally depersonalized by the analgesia and evenmore the loss of the caramel bubblewrap
and I get in a new way *ha personally* howcomplicated howinterwoven howmessy drug overlay *ha managing* asinfeelingthosedamnpeskyfeelings is
how outofpractice I am
01/28 Direct Link

drugofchoice
*ha* that was a good trick, for allofit though I'm still struggling with realistic painmanagement ha listen to thisshit but justmaybe part of theproblem isthat there aren't twenty words for *pain* in our language nevermind *buzz* and bynow pain is so not simply what I'm referring to that being said when the botheration in my knee is not adequately mediated then it totally disrupts the relearningbusiness at hand but justnow not knowing the wholenothingbut TheTruth I opted for neither themotrin or thenorco and went instead for the television HA

he simplysays I should quit obsessing would that I could
01/29 Direct Link

time
"I'm going 80 for chrisake-, he says, on ourway to TheCity to see the retirement wizard, "and everyone's still passing us, amazing!-
"Any idiot can go 80..."I said, thinking the of the guy who slambamkilled the wholedamnfamily just yesterday driving 100 lalala down a local deserted countryroad in the middle of the night and then needed tostop now &didn't.
"Na'aw, these cars, this car aren't built to go that fast...-
"We don't need to go that fast and if we do,"I said, "it's time to get out of that.-
"Or time ,"he said, "to get a new car.-
01/30 Direct Link

on the road again
I came to a startling incontrovertible conclusion in the middle of the night sleeping ornot in the other room *there's a fungus amongus sts* that I don't want to be a nurse anymore ha there it is that said I can nowdo any damn parttime thing I want that will earn me approximately 700 smackers a month

and in the allthings dynamic department itseems when I can understand the mechanics, the sum of the parts I can understand the pain and godhelp me even embrace it or at least interpret it as in work with it
01/31 Direct Link

one
tailoredironed&early came to visit today in her dreams but she got the irony she'd come I guess to say goodbye and thanks and makes so clear in all her glory that knowing our foibles ain't enough it may be a start but it ain't enough

two
it's a silver orange red dawn just the other side of the morning mist which hangs like a cape on the mountain's shoulder

biceps femoris, sartorius, popliteus, tendons

three
no pain,

how many words are there for that

four
sun over the hill, sky purples
&goddamn if he ain't just the perfect wizard