08/01 Direct Link
playing with the idea of and then actually fabricating asif it were a fabrication a suicide note was probably not the swiftest thing she’d ever done, and then having left it on the diningroom table and unexpectedly going out of town was she hoped not a portend, but how was she to know he'd come home in her absence, sneak home after going on the lam because he’d found out something she’d known all along and had thought he’d known which he hadnot because both the women who might have mentioned it assumed the other had
08/02 Direct Link
--pretty damned amazing you tell yourself you never needed to talk to him because you you thought I would
-- I could say the same
--it’s not the same at all, you had his baby for god’s sake
--and he was your husband; you never thought it important to talk about how his kid would fit into your life, oh I get it, if he didn’t know then it wouldn’t be a problem
--don’t make this my problem, it was never my story to tell
--and how do you live with never having told him
08/03 Direct Link
“You slept with her, you lousy fuck--” Amos said, not quite beside himself.
“You wish,” Solomon slung over his shoulder, not even bothering to look at Amos.
“That’s all you have to say, you lousy asshole?!”
“Very clever, I thought,” Solomon said, finally turning to face Amos, “since it’s either an admission or a denial, you’ll never know for sure, which face it, you squirming sack of shit, is what really bothers you, that I could and do, or even worse I could and I don’t, a choice too rich for your blood…”
Now, yeah how he was beside himself.
08/04 Direct Link
"I should just knock your sorry ass on the ground,” Amos muttered.
"Which since you’re broadcasting it you’ll never do, you know Amos, you’re fuckin’ pussy whipped man, and you don’t even know it.”
“Me, you deskflying piece of shit!”
“Yeah, you,” Solomon said, getting out of his chair and before Amos knew what hit him, landed his foot in Amos’ solar plexus knocking him on the ground. “Besides which Amos, I’d kick your ass before you knew what hit you. You really don’t know me man, you should have studied the scouting reports.”
“Christ, Solomon! Why’d you do that!?”
08/05 Direct Link
“Let me ask you this, Amos said, still on his back.
“Not sure you’re in a question asking position,” Sol said, standing over him. “So, instead, let me ask you, what it is you really can’t live without--”
“Christ almighty! You’re just like your damned wife! I don’t know what’s worse being pussy whipped, or being twinsies!”
“At least I’m man enough to call her my wife, never mind treat her like one.”
Amos sat up. “And look where the hell that got you!” he pointed out.
“Ante up, Amos!”
“Or what?”
“I’ll know you for the coward you are.”
08/06 Direct Link
“You know, all that principled bullshit, Maggie, about not telling him because it wasn’t yours to tell, is just smoke&mirrors--”
“Not really, Caitlin,” Maggie said.
“Maybe so, if you’re talking about friends, but not when you’re in love...” Caitlin looked out the window. Her office was on Fillmore Street, and there were lots of people. She watched them, letting what she’d said sink in. Or, at least, letting Maggie argue the point with herself. She sighed.
“What?” Maggie asked.
“Did you ever love Sol, I mean did you ever really love him, or was it always just about you?”
08/07 Direct Link
“Righteous is easy on someone else’s dime,” Maggie said.
“I think you’re mistaking me for someone else,” Dawn said. “Righteous and all the trappings are not my bent, but you’re not off the hook for being two-faced, or said otherwise, sweetie, you’re a bitch.”
“Why?” Maggie asked.
“Because.” Dawn said.
“Glad we cleared that up.”
“Like you never called anyone a bitch!?”
Maggie looked at her nails.
“It’s not like your shit doesn’t stink, Mags, or that you’re less likeable--”
“Oh for god’s sake don’t coddle me!”
“Self-serving, stingy, critical, snobby, putting yourself above the rest of us…”
08/08 Direct Link
Solomon wondered if he could live without Maggie any better than Amos could without Sophie, if it came to that, and for all his pecking he wasn’t sure who held the prize for duplicity. It wasn’t as simple as love. There was plenty of that going around, sex or not, it was at this point in life about being able to sleep at night.
He nodded at Marty, the bartender, who for third time refreshed his glass with a drought of the best scotch on the shelf. It glinted in the light.
There were lots of sides to the story.
08/09 Direct Link
He was going through the junk mail. Count it as a salve. Or a tic. Maggie, his wife, who had her own irrefutable sense of ordering, make no mistake, thought it was cute, But, as the saying goes, rain or shine, in sickness and health he, without fail, did it and had done it every Thursday since he opened his first law office twenty-five years ago. If some lived by the maxim, ‘you never knew what kind of psychotic killer you were throwing your sandwich at,’ his charm was ‘you never knew what treasures were lost in your junk mail.’
08/10 Direct Link
“We’re none of us innocent here, Sol.” Maggie sat down.
“Little consolation I think, Mags, and too late for so small-minded a reckoning. Let me ask you, what is it you can’t live without?”
“You mean, like you?” She dipped her head from side to side. Folded her arms across her chest.
“I mean what is it you can’t live without?” He didn’t raise his voice.
“What can’t you live without?”
“It’s not a contest. Or, at this point, a game, or banter. There are important choices to make now.” He sighed. “So, again, what can’t you live without?”
08/11 Direct Link
“...well, at least it seems you thought about it...” He stopped. Closed his eyes. Grimaced, broke into a smirk.
“I guess you’re doing art,” he exhaled, “just like you’ve done me—”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“When the hell was the last time you did any art, though you were careful enough I suppose to only say art, not doing art, or my art...anyway I’m sure you meant it, but I don’t believe you. Maggie, my dear, I believe you’re full of shit, which does by the way, stink.”
“Fuck you Solomon.”
“Oh my dear, you have quite already.”
08/12 Direct Link
“Thing is, the woman I fell in love with would’ve told. Truth at all cost, was your trademark, was your strength your mission, you shouted truths not yours to tell from the rooftop, first time I met you you were going at it with, well Seiglinda now that we’re talking about it. How ironic. How sad. You fashioned a life to buttress your decision, and became that person. A person whose ethics I’m not sure I share.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Of course not. Why would you?”
“Since when are you so mean?”
“Oh, I’ve not even started...”
08/13 Direct Link

“You’re a cool guy, Amos, but not the coolest guy in the world, and fact is you are as full of shit as my wife. So---what great lie are you living?"

"You’re a jerk, you know---"

"You even know?" 

Amos shifted his weight. Not sure if Sol expected an answer, not sure if he knew the answer, not sure if he would answer.

Sol smirked. "What’s the matter big guy? Too close for comfort?"

A fair question from a friend, in a friendly conversation. Just more bullshit, if it’s a taunt. You looking for a fight, or an answer?

08/14 Direct Link

As if it were all my fault I know he’s thinking I was the reason Seiglinda never told him she was pregnant, never once mentioned she was having his baby, what did he want to do about it what did he think about it did he want to be involved. As if it was my fault she wasn’t prepared to have him be any part of it, any part of their life.

On the other hand, it is true I did not want that pregnancy, that child to be any part of our life. I will not apologize for that.

08/15 Direct Link

“You’re family Mags, for better&worse, but,” he shook his head, “more aptly, and, what we had is over. You’re off the hook.”

“Just like that!?”

He snickered.  

“Now what?” she asked.

“Frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn. You decide, but any way I look at it, as far as I’m concerned, you’re in no man’s land...sidetracked on a side line, Liebshchein. Neither in or out, and no free pass either way. Oh, and everyone knows the story. The whole story.”

“What about you?”

He smiled at her. “Better late than never, I suppose…”


“Don’t even bother.”

08/16 Direct Link

"I’m not a complicated man, I take people at their word, Sophie for better and worse. Don’t read in, or out. But I’m not naive—"

"Meaning what, Sol, at this juncture where any other man would have by now jumped my bones or suggested in any number of ways it was ok if I jumped his?"

"I don’t know you well enough to make love to you and I don’t know how just to have sex with you, don’t want to know how just to have sex with you."

"Not a product of our times?"

Not a free-love man, no."

08/17 Direct Link

"And then of course," he said, "there’s Amos."

"What does Amos have to do with it?"

Sol felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. Felt like he should have felt when he and Maggie finally starting talking.

"That hurt," he said.

"Amos and I aren’t—"

"Oh yes you are! May not be the usual thing but you two are definitely a thing, and no friend of either one of yours would step between, not after the fact."

"You are a romantic."

"Has more to do with self-respect, Sophie."

"Or righteousness."

"My self-respect. My call."

"And passion?"

"Lust you mean?"

08/18 Direct Link

"What am I missing here, Sophie?"

"Everything, and nothing," Sophie answered."

"I don’t always get this," Graciella said, drawing a circle in the air with her hand, "as if we’re not in love with the same man?"

"Ah!" Sophie said, "we’re not."

Graciella grimaced. Folded her arms across her chest. Snugged her hands into her armpits . "At another time I would’ve just knocked you on your ass, fucking cold-cocked you for talking smack to me. Disrespecting me like I’m a two bit whore. I asked a question, I expect an answer, not some high class you’re better than me crap!"

08/19 Direct Link

he had not necessarily intended to get wet never mind go in the water, but already wet and in the water and the fool for it with nothing left to lose and the all being a perfect metaphor for the cold slap in the face life already dealt he stood up and walked headlong into the ocean, 500 dollar suit pants belt, and starched white shirt he was saved by the yells which even in his to hell with the rest of you moment he could discern concern and god knows he wasn’t trying to kill himself was he, wow!



08/20 Direct Link

“ another time and place, Graciella I would have jumped your bones, and screwed the two-bit whore you were, and we would have laughed before the hair pulling was over and you still wouldn’t know what you were missing not sure you could take it for what it was wondering if I was disrespecting you or somehow getting the better of you and you would have sent your posse or whatever we called it back then to set me straight---” she laughed. “but there would have been no   Amos, he was already gone, not yet come back---”

“to you…”

08/21 Direct Link

maybe I was different when we first met, though I’m loathe to sign-off on that, and it’s hard to tell, the measuring rods and even the ground is so far from what it is now...the whole country has tilted right…yet I will give him the single point, when we met I was face to face with seiglinda arguing some fine political point about being at war and forgiving nothing, she was much more apologetic than I and in the end clearly right, and I in my arm waving righteousness about fine lines and sand was much less human

08/22 Direct Link

sol & I fought about a lot, well discussed heatedly, at the beginning the ins and outs of everything, he was more moderate, more circumspect, I liked that, liked that he responded to my passionate ranting, seiglinda was soft spoken, for that matter generally soft, she had no sharp edges, was not as I recall clearly defined, her art was like that too, pastels, oils...she didn’t take to acrylics, nor to the sharp straight lines everyone was toying with, she stayed true to her impressionistic heroes, we shared a studio, but never talked much, she didn’t really like discussing things

08/23 Direct Link

I need to say, you should have told me, someone should have told me." He put his hands up, "I don’t—"

"Stop!" Seiglinda said. "You’re right. I should have told you. And I meant to, every day for years, and then it turned into you’d be better off not having known, and then it was just a wrong I lived with. Too much time went by and then it was double the indemnity."

He was glad she didn’t dare cry. He didn’t even smile at her joke. "Why?"

"I don’t know."

"After all this time?!"

"That’s not what I mean, Solly."

08/24 Direct Link

more than anything now it’s just a matter of getting it right, making it right, getting it to set straight even if we don’t set it straight, it was so long ago, and each of our versions are self-serving, there is no nothing but the truth, there are facts though, which are some comfort, but they don’t come near laying any of it to rest, this was a woman I loved, who said she loved me, we made a baby, and she never told me, never giving me any of the decisions to make, feminist politics withstanding, that’s fucking wrong

08/25 Direct Link

he was amazed at the geography of the feeling, not love though the terrain and the weather were familiar, it was the light which was different, and the smells–

no sweet frangipani or lavender or coconut, it was sour and so pungent it made his eyes tear (no, he wasnot crying) and a shrieling (he wondered if it would be spelled with 2 ‘e’s like keening + wailing rather than shrieking & wailing, he rolled his eyes) was shattering the silence yet the fact remained the intensity with which this hate bound him to her was just the same measure as love’s

08/26 Direct Link

"’s not like it’s a secret her marriage broke apart because she slept with someone else, it’s just some details got left out like if all along Amos was her husband, then my dad and Amos don’t get along because my dad was the guy and maybe still is, since Amos and Sophie pretend they’re not married and my mom is way out of the picture, I sort of get all of that, what I don’t get is why it wasn’t ok to tell me but it was ok for me to get slapped with it in front of strangers..."

08/27 Direct Link

“I have to say, to all of you, you could have told me. You should have told me, I should have been told. It was my fundamental right to know, as a father, as a human being.” He grimaced. Closed his eyes against the anger. “I have no idea, you have no mad, I am head banging mad, I’m sorry to know all of a sudden what that feels like...” he sat down, methodically, on the ground, eyes still closed, the only way he had to maintain any dignity and separation. It’s good they were outside. He spat. 
08/28 Direct Link

"...he finally found out, I’m guessing otherwise why would you call me, especially since I said not to call until he knew, and I’m guessing you were not the one to tell him--""...well neither did you.""You swore me to secrecy which I can’t believe I went along with, but I did even at the expense of our relationship and my own integrity which i’ve lived with all these years, and you’re going to say that to me!? You’re a piece of work Maggie, honest to god, you embarrass yourself, and me.""What about her?!" "It’s not about her..."
08/29 Direct Link

she watched him come up on her, not sure about the look on his face, the way he was watching her as if she were disfigured, looking away didn’t help she could still feel his unwavering attention, not a gaze but a hard driven stare, as if she were mad, or in fact demanding it somehow, she slowed as the distance between them got shorter and more intimate, she overcame the urge to adjust her hair or straighten her shirt or to run either away from or toward condemnation or worse absolution,

not at all sure there was a difference

08/30 Direct Link

“I can’t say it’s not good to hear from you---”

“I wasn’t sure how you would respond.”

“I haven’t yet, you know--”

“Well, you haven’t hung up on me yet.”

“Way too much to say, to hang up, so, here you are, and I have to ask---”

“I know you do, knew you would.”

“Why? Why didn’t you tell him? The whole story. Then and now.” 

“I felt like she should tell him, felt like he should bring it up to me, not the other way around.”

“So why didn’t you duke it out with her? You always did before."

08/31 Direct Link

life is funny I said, they laughed, they thought it was a loaded statement, it was, she’d just said today would have been her 15th anniversary, and then we veered off to the ups and downs of our fates and she said it was the consistencies that allowed us to tolerate them, and I asked her as I have a wont to do as if it were her favorite nailpolish color if she could name them, realizing of course I could not

but I’ll start with hope, and love and knowing that faith is not hellbent, or dogmatic 

and us