REPORT A PROBLEM
I need to write. I need to develop discipline. I need to exercise my brain as it is getting mushy. I need to finish what I've started. I used to write well but have lost the ability through lack of practice. I was arrogant and now I have to pay the price of such arrogance. I have to start over and relearn. This is actually typical of how I live my life. I don't put in an effort and I neglect what is important to me. I neglect the people I love and I neglect myself. I need to change.
I sat at home all day. There were so many things that I could have done, but I sat alone. It was beautiful and I did not go outside. I have so much to do but I didn't do any of it. I was inside my head all day. It is good to just take a break but I am not sure it is healthy to withdraw from the world. I am creative when I am inside myself but it makes it hard for me to connect with other people if I allow myself too much time to be alone.
It was misty, wet and a little damp. No a lot damp. It smelt so fresh…. clean. I came there to climb to be alone in nature for a few hours. To tax my body; force my lungs to breath deeply. Try to cleanse them of the city grime, to maybe scare the cough that had plagued them for so long away. The slope was too slippery in the rain, it was too steep to attempt. Visibility was poor. I could not see the top and from the top I knew that I would not be able to see anything.
I feel my head throbbing. Woken five times during the night by little voices as left me feeling foggy. I have no patience today. Everything is dirty and must be cleaned. I cannot walk through the clutter. The world is too slow and too fast all at once. I need some quiet, alone time; no, maybe I need to be active. I don't know what I need but something isn't right. I'm not used to constant little annoyances. A quiet cup of tea makes the world seem beautiful again. I wish to stay in this moment a little bit longer.
He can give me a headache. I cannot allow myself to feel too much or it hurts. There is an empty aching when I let myself feel. When I feel it, I can't function so I must turn away from the longing. I remember how happy he made me feel and how miserable too. I need to fill my life with other things and then, after that, maybe I can look again at the hole in my life but not until everything else is full. I must remember not to make my life too full though. It hurts to burnout.
I neglect my creativity. I don't paint, write or take pictures nearly enough. I really don't look after myself properly either. I'm not outside enough, not exercising enough, I don't eat or sleep right either. I know better too. Why do I do this? Do I not think that I'm worthy? I'm drawn to people who do look after themselves, to people who value their self enough to indulge and caudle their inner child. Why do I watch and not do? I need to allow myself to play and to rediscover me, over and over again. Do I love me?
Schedules, requirements, this is the timeline, remember to smile… Yes, I love doing menial, mind-numbing tasks for a living. Why do you ask? Up early, rushing to catch the bus, remember to pack a lunch, do I have a clean suit? If I don't think too much, I should be fine. Remember not to make faces at people doing stupid things. Accept their laziness; accept that people fall into foolish routines. I'm not perfect either. Remember that too. Hopefully, I will get along okay. If I keep my attitude in check, this contract should go smoothly. New environments are good.
Am I a fake? I feel as if I claim all these things that I don't do. I'm not living up to my ideals. I am not the person I want to be. I am not the type of person I admire but I am the type I like at least. I just want to be more. I want to be a person that I love to be around: active, positive, resilient, happy, motivating. I have spent a lot of time trying to get to know myself and then I haven't used the information to change how I am living.
Tired. Oh so tired. Working a boring job is actually tiring. I need to sleep but I can't. I'm always so wired these days. I keep making plans for tomorrow. I have at least four people now that I said I'd get together with or phone and I can't possibly do it all. It is all or none with me. I don't go out for weeks and then wham, overload all on one day. How do I do this? Or better, why? I have to get organized as I am getting nothing done. This is definitely a pattern with me.
Nasty, mean and hurtful. I am nothing to you. At your convenience, I am there. When you are bored or no one else is around. You were not honest with me. You lied. You are not as you seemed. You are not what you say you are. Do you say you are someone else because this is who you want to be or are you so foolish as to not see that you aren't? You changed into someone I don't know. Why? You are so awful to me and yet I'm still around. Why do I do this to me?
I remember you. You made me feel warm. You excited me. I laughed with you when life wasn't very funny for me. I forgot my worries in our play. It was magic in the early morning light. The world was still asleep. You made me want to be a better person. I surprised even myself with who I could become. My joy was so obvious. I had forgotten the thrill of play. Thank you for reminding me, for giving it back to me. Thank you for still being there for me now. I hope that I'm there for you too.
I am not looking and you come. My life is happy and I have things to do. You are always around now that I no longer care. I never needed you but now I don't even want you. You missed your chance with me. If you aren't there when I am weak, I don't want you when I am strong. I want someone who will love me unconditionally not only when life is easy. I know that I'm attractive when I've got it all together but I'm looking for someone who finds me attractive when I'm mixed up too. Goodbye.
The rain comes down in a sheet and the wind blows. Rustling leaves ripple the air between the heavy drops. A car splashes through a puddle at the side of the road, water hitting the pavement with a loud smack. Then it is suddenly quiet for a moment. The silence seems deafening through its short existence. The rain stops and there are soft rustles now, the wind offers intermittent whistles in the night. The trees start to dance again with the wind. It is a lulling sound, hushing me off to sleep. Wrapped in its arms, I let myself relax.
I have to workout, go to the gym, to sweat and work off the fat. My lawn must be mowed, the garden weeded too, the yard might swallow me soon. I've not run in weeks, I've fallen far behind on the trails. The dishes are dirty, my floors are a mess, the laundry is piled in a heap. I have phone calls to make, letters to write. The papers are piling up high. I have much to do but don't do a thing. I wish I could say I've better things to do but really I can't say that's true.
Cute, fun, cuddly and very outdoorsy. Easy to talk with. Easy-going it seems. Maybe a good combination with me. We are planning a trip together. A play date. It is scary and so exciting at the same time. A new activity partner would be wonderful. A backpacking buddy is even better. I really hope that this trip works out, that it goes well, that we have fun together. We both have to drive hours to meet so I think that we both will have high hopes for it. This is so wild. Wow. A real adventure actually. I can't wait.
Happy, sad. Flying high or swinging low. It can change so fast. I absorb the atmosphere I'm in. I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see. Reaching out, I don't get a response. Ignoring those trying to reach for me. There is a void in the middle where we are all alone. Black boarders frame the picture. If you cross the line, you can't see where you are. Stay within the structure if you don't want to get lost. Do all tunnels end in light? Is there really a happy ending? I wish I were a glow-worm.
The yellow centre pops against the white petals. Proudly standing tall in the water. Standing with its peers, a group of four reaching towards the light. Green foliage as a backdrop completes the picture. Leaves laced in veins, coming abruptly to a point. The water catches the light, multiple colors glisten and swirl in gentle motion. Thin, brown grasses fill in the spaces. Bending in submission to the burst of color sharing the space. They move ever so slightly in the mountain breeze as daylight starts to fade. Heads bow in the twilight; the petals close protectively around their gold.
Smiling. I think of you. Of spending time with you. Getting to know each other. Our likes, dislikes, passions… Of being able to kiss and hold hands. Laughing and looking at each other over dinner. Coffee in hand, walking and talking for hours. Lying in each other's arms feeling all comfortable and warm. Oh to be able to reach out and touch you, to have you here and not so far away. To do things together. Share our favorite activities. Tease each other and giggle at our silliness. I hope that we have all this. This is what I want.
I say I have passions but are they really passions when I let them slip. Is a passion something you can live without? Are they mine or just things I want to be mine? Have I borrowed them, adopted them as my own but then failed to feed them? Are they starving for attention and nourishment? Are they trapped in a box? Have I closed the door on them, failing to give them air to breathe. Are they easily silenced? Why do they fail to speak to me anymore? Where did they go? What damage have I done to them?
Structure. Limiting, containing with sharp edges and boundaries. There are rules. There are guidelines. Proper places and timing for everything. Creativity is not encouraged. You can't just do what you like. There is a path to follow and a destination in mind. You know where you are going and how you will get there. There is a plan. There is focus. There is no need for questions or doubt. But, the soul cannot sing inside a structure. The notes echo back with nowhere to go. The colors are muted without light from the sun. Why must my life need structure?
Busy colors and lines, shapes everywhere. Black and whites, many shades of green, many textures. All this above yellow, golds, and oranges with silver edges. It is out of focus, moving in the wind, constantly changing. Wild movement. Is the message to be chaos? When the leaves fall, it will slow down. When the snow comes, it will be calm. Then all will sleep. Sleep until the sun calls them, urging them to rise slowly from slumber. Daintily, they will awake. Shyly the colors come out and grow bolder as the season progresses until again they explode in riotous color.
Beautiful people walking around with secrets on their lips, eyes looking far into the future, they do not see me as they pass. Rushing, they must catch their cab or train to important meetings and appointments. Instinctively they dodge obstacles and weave their way through the masses, intent on their destinations. Stepping back, I watch them go by in their suits and polished shoes, black briefcases in tow. They are busy. They are productive and successful, live in their own world. Are they missing something or am I? Is this where I belong, what I want? I was one once.
He needs something. He is busy, keeping busy. Busy to hide what is missing, so the empty space doesn't show. Filling up time with everything else. Gravitating to people then pushing them away. He needs something but isn't sure what. He hasn't found it but still dares to hope it is there, somewhere for him to find. He is scared to find it but wants it so badly. Not sure where to look, he continues to do what he knows: keep busy. Will he slow down enough to see it? Will he be able to stop when it is there?
That little smile gets to me. Your eyes light up and the edges of your mouth gently curve into a smile. You look so serious most of the time, so intense, intent on your task at hand. Always busy with so much on the go, so many distracts, fun things to do. I like it when you pause for a moment and are with me. When you stop, look at me and smile. It is such a gift when I see it. It means you are happy to see me. At day's end, I look forward to that little smile.
She raises her head, gracefully, slowly. Large blue eyes meet his full on. There is a confidence in the way she holds her mouth. It is not quite a smile but not a smirk either. She holds his gaze almost questioningly, interest in her eyes. A classic kind of beauty, slim, poised, long brown hair cascading down her back. Rising, she gathers her belongs. Her scent hovers in the air as she passes him. Her hand reaches and turns the handle. With one last glance over her shoulder, she walks out the door. Through the window he watches her leave.
Blankly staring, head heavy in her hand, trying to stay awake and focused, she reads, searching for information, searching for answers to unknown questions. The light glares off her glasses making her eyes ache. They feel the strain. For hours, she looks, for what she is not quite sure but it must be there. There's a dull pressure behind her eyes; a tightness in her back as she hunches over her work. There has to be something there, she needs to figure it out. Rising, she stretches to clear her head, to shake the clutter out. What has she missed?
Staring into the screen, she wonders what to do. What to write, which path to follow? The desk light casts an orange glow on the papers surrounding her, their colors no longer true. The mug throws a shadow across the desk its contents a murky brew. Objects of distraction, inspiration, objects covered in dust, are strewn around the room. Her wrists hurt resting on the keyboard as she waits to see the word gush from her fingertips. Warming her fingers on the mug, she takes a sip. Swallowing the bitter tea as she waits for the words. Her head aches.
The game is chase. One runs ahead of the other, dodging, swerving but never getting too far ahead. You must always let the other person think that they can catch you. You don't want them to quite playing or get discouraged. You must stay just a little in front; anticipate their next moves. If you screw up and let them catch you it is all over. No more game. A delicate balance must be achieved between taunting them, flirting, teasing and encouraging them. You must keep them interested. It is all about the game. Keep on your toes. Stay smart.
Feeling dumpy, I look around at the beautiful, hot, young things running around in bikini tops and surfer shorts. I didn't expect so many of them to be comfortable wearing next to nothing. I didn't have that confidence at their age; now that I'm older, I have more confidence but no longer have the body. It doesn't seem fair. With age comes wisdom but beauty is for the young and foolish. Maybe they aren't as foolish as I was; they are definitely more confident than I was. And maybe I'm still foolish to allow aging to bother me this way.
It felt good to spend the day just lying in the sun, enjoying the atmosphere, the busyness, the music and the company. Flaking out and getting sun burnt, dancing and playing, the sun making me tired and relaxed. It was wonderful to actually have nothing much to do, just sleep, eat, and wonder through the crowds. It was just fun. The wind cooled me in the heat and the eye candy kept me amused. People watching at a music festival is one of my favorite activities. Everyone was happy and relaxed, just a beautiful place to be. Smiles were everywhere.
I like watching you read at the end of the day, finally able to start to unwind. Stretching out and curling up on your side with a book in bed. The light golden, your body glowing in a mess of bedding, with head in hand, you try to stay awake. Turning pages, wiggling your feet, looking away in deep thought for a moment before returning to the pages before you. Fidgeting to work the aches out of your muscles after working all day. The cat jumps up for some attention then darts away. Then you turn and look at me.
The Tip Jar