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Postcard from Heaven
Read somewhere that every human being craves to be understood. That no matter who they are, people need to be listened to. They need to know that someone understands who they are; what they're going through. Doesn't matter whether anyone can help them out, people just need to understand. I'm wondering, what happens when someone goes through something no one else has before, would anyone be able to understand them? Does empathy come from having similar experiences or simply being able to imagine walking in their shoes? How can people understand someone else when they canít even figure themselves out?
To be honest, my life isn't interesting. It's boring as hell. I've never been one of the best and I never will be. Average, I'm stuck in the middle. Literally. Like Iím in a limbo, neither here nor there. I've long since ceased to belong in the place I call home and I definitely don't belong here. But Iím thinking, as change seems to be my only constant, Iíll just have to make it as good as I can while it lasts. Give it the best Iíve got and maybe one day, Iíll learn how to move beyond average. Right?
Need some Brain Food. I've read newspapers, books, anything I can lay my hands on. I get satisfactory results in school, but my brain doesn't work. I can't think and I'm so UN-streetwise, it's not funny. Considering the situation, I really shouldn't be this stupid. I'm trying, but it's not enough. I finally realise that (this is a
generalisation) Singaporeans don't think. We've been programmed to think that being wrong will banish you to the lowest levels of hell and as a result, we swallow opinions without comment; we haven't got the faintest clue how to think.
I never really understood what hypocrisy meant until I saw it in action. I suppose I just never linked the two things together - gossiping behind your back while being your best friend, I mean. You're complicated, different from everyone else. I never know what to make of you but whatever. You constantly take the person you claim to be your distinct best friend (if you had one) for granted, and though I love you for your cleverness and (sometimes) sincere personality, it doesn't work when you act this way. I'm getting tired of this place. You're one reason why.
I, am very wierd. I constantly smile, even when I'm expressing negative or angry emotions. Who does that? I try to make a protest and when, for once, my face is straight, I start laughing without really meaning to and others think I was joking. No matter what, I never seem to be able to wipe that grin off my face. It's good, but not when you try to make a point. I've tried stopping myself but I never seem to be able to; smiling seems the natural thing to do no matter what the emotion. Talk about strange children.
Heaviest snowfall in ten years! Never thought I'd EVER get to see it snow in England, of all places. And for the first time, I actually saw snow falling from the sky, thick and fast. It was great, screams and crazy dances; snow angels, and a BEAUTIFUL hockey pitch covered in virgin snow. If only we could play something on it. It was so amazing; it's hard to believe it actually falls from the sky. Snowball fights are the best way to get exercise. Haha, I'm SO glad we've got such a huge sports ground. Please snow again; sledging awaits.
I like my geography teacher. He's interesting, and the stuff he says makes sense. Sure, he
be slightly patronising but he makes you think. We talk about the most random things in lessons and I really respect his viewpoint. Anyway, I don't get why some people have such an aversion to gays. Maybe getting past that first, difficult year of growing up in a school that's supposedly swarming with lesbians has made me indifferent to their orientation. I don't know, it just bugs me when people go "eww" the moment they realise who they are Ė theyíre quite amazing people.
Just watched a typical Singaporean-style Chinese Drama - Holland V. HAHA life would be perfect if people only noticed the things you wanted them to and never took into account the things that would give you away. Mediocre acting, with the most predictable and unbelievable script you could ask for equals light-hearted albeit sometimes frustrating afternoon entertainment. Haha, it's crap to the point of being funny.
Anyway, lunch time singing to the soundtrack of
BEST film ever equals a natural drunkenness that makes everyone cry with laughter. It was great; Lion King still beats all along with Niiís Dance.
I realise I have yet to comment on the amazingness of this new 100words domain-site-thing. It's so beautiful, thanks.
Anyway, it's back to Matchbox Twenty, Lion King, Savage Garden, and Queen. The safe moments where we can hope for better tomorrows.
PSE today on miracles and faith. Every miracle we looked at had to do with some kind of God. Faithís always referred to as a belief in God. I have faith and I
believe in miracles but I don't believe in any God or religion. Hereís the question: does faith only count when there's.. some
to believe in?
Admittedly, I've never felt like I fit in or properly belonged. But considering how fundamentally different we are, I'm surprised I've actually managed to find friends. Amazing individuals I wouldn't mind occasionally meeting up with thirty years from now. It's only when I find out things like this that I realise how much this place's influence is slowly forcing me to grow up. Doing It just because you want to be the first to lose your.. Thing, eludes me.
I can't imagine growing up. Everyone's screaming for independence. Me? I've had enough of it. & I've only had a taster.
Today has been one of those days when I feel like there's something semi-solid stuck in the spaces between my ribcage, screaming to get out. The only problem is, I don't know what it is. It feels as though there's so much I need to say, but then I can't think of anything I need to .. think about. There's a space that's being filled up with some almost existent, and I just need to scream to let it out. Scream, on and on and on, until it all disappears. Bloody hormones, probably. Tomorrow, it'll be good. Count on it.
It's true isn't it, children never understand the impact their words and actions have, they don't understand how important everything is. They see things simply, without complications. Impressionable, wholesome, healthy kids would go with the flow. Unfortunates would try to make the most of their situation; they show the strongest survival instincts, sometimes without knowing it. Who wouldn't want to be a kid again? Only they can pull off their unintentional self-centeredness without suffering some form of repercussion. I'm thinking, being selfish could be fun and if I abandon my conscience, that's something I'd like to try. Haha, Maybe not.
Chinese New Year's almost here again. My second away from home. Can't believe how fast time's going. New Year's meant to be a time when we show our respect to our elders, a time to get together as a family, time to emphasize the importance of family unity. Two years ago, we skipped these massive celebrations - my unknown grandpa's death didn't allow it. Now, two years down the road, not one full family out of our large community of cousins, aunts and uncles are left in our hometown. Growing up, moving away. Growing up, moving away. Family reunion, huh?
Happy valentine's day! This place does it the proper way; outings with that special someone. I miss old school traditions - valentine's day celebrating friends.
was something. A day to love and be loved - kind of like Christmas. Regretfully, I only spent one official day celebrating this unofficial tradition, and even then I was unaware of it, being only in the first year. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw. I miss the surprises, the shock. Presents. Little things showing your appreciation. That rush of indescribable joy when you realise the support surrounding you. The spirit.
Massive school birthday celebrations tomorrow, they're going to be FANTASTIC! It's THE BEST way to end the most hectic term we've ever had. This could be the last school birthday we spend together as a form: I haven't been here since the beginning, but to repeat a cliche, we've grown so much through the past year or so - more than any other form. We DO have our little cliques and friendship groups but that doesn't matter when it comes to making a whole form effort. I was lucky to get into this class - might not have survived otherwise.
Look at anyone you see walking past on the streets. They're mostly adults, maybe middle-aged, with half their lives over, complete and whole, physically in front of you - they've survived the past twenty years. So you'll survive too, right?
I've heard of excessive idealism - is this it? I mean, whatever happens, you'll make it, time will pass. As I sit here writing this, time IS passing. Ten years are just going to go like
. It's not that hard surviving till whenever because it will pass and we can only make it the best we can. Right?
I've been reading Sean Covey again. HAHA and I'm beginning to understand the extent to which things have been sliding out of control, and how to improve them. Though I
been flipping through the book occassionally, I don't think I've ever really taken it in. But now that it's half term, I
taking in the stuff he's saying and I'm going to try to get back on my feet. I miss Me, the original. Me #2 just refuses to go. But that isn't going to stop me at this point; it's going to get better. Happy CNY Eve!
Happy Chinese New Year! Had the privilege of watching a Lion Dance, right Here, in England. Wasn't anything professional but it was interesting. AND the lion was ORANGE. That beats all.
Its strange celebrating the New Year and having reunion dinners with so few members of the family together. I've always loved our huge, extended network of relatives, even though we have had (and still are having) bitter arguments, fall outs and dismal whatevers. I dislike the narrowmindedness and closely formed opinions of certain members but at the end of the day, family's family and respet must be given.
The yellow pages LIE. So-called "publishing" house turns out to be some spiffy I.T. company designed to improve working systems in other companies - according to the website, that is. Damn, isn't that exactly what we're doing in lessons? Couldn't get anymore boring. But other than this, I haven't had any replies which means publishing house or not, if I get through the meeting with a good impression tomorrow, I'll have to accept this post. Riighhhht. Keep. An. Open. Mind. Who knows, if I do go ahead with it, this experience might change the course of my life!
We met again towards the end of 06 after 3 yearsí silence. Considering all the changes brought about by age and circumstance, it shouldíve been wierd. But no, it just felt natural. You would never have described us as close friends, we just happened to be in the same classes throughout primary school. Hardly a thought for each other and here we are, 10 years down the road, having the most random conversations. It's funny how the people you seldom give a thought to turn out to be the most loyal and endearing.
Billy Gilman (as a kid) was genius.
One child prodigy. One infamous writer, leader, saint. One intellectual, hell bent on the over-used route of the clever, ambitious and glamourous. And boring. Sacrificial. One almost-developed youth of the century, destined for the best. One boy wonder. Modestly arrogant. One genius. An individual, going through stages of belated rebellion. One intelligent, unmatched member of the elite. One brilliant, manipulative suicidal depressive. One almost-borrowed almost-angel. With hidden complexities. One extroverted, brainy communicator. One honest talent. Three closly-knit creams of the crop. Three largely different specialists. Two contradicting personalities. Two masterminds. One Brain. One Pinky.
One average klutz.
Welcome to my family.
I thought about something to write about, but then I forgot what it was in the time it took me to log in. Shikes, maybe this is what turning legal does to you.
It took me just about a year to realise I was 14. On the eve of my birthday after I'd sent off the last two visitors, I sat at my computer, replied some emails and blogged. And suddenly, my fingers stopped and I thought, "Bloody hell. I'm fourteen?.. Four..teen..?" Minutes before midnight.
I don't think I realise I'm going to be sixteen in a couple of days.
Time for work. Panic attack last night, realised how much work I've got to get through for the ending half term. Not to mention the constant reminders about the Big Ones Upcoming. Need to buck up so I did what I do best. Went to sleep. HAHA. What else? It was 2 in the morning. Right. If you want yourself to do something or to believe something, all you've got to do is repeat whatever it is to yourself over and over again. Before you sleep, or over a course of a few days. It always works. Time to mug.
You, are an insensitive bastard. WHO replies the way you've done to someone downhearted and disappointed? I hate the way you react, you never seem to be able get a grasp on the situation, can never let the emotions and underlying current of situations penetrate your thick skull. Also, how do you expect people to trust you when all you do is break their trust over and over and over? I'm a billion years younger than you in terms of experience, knowledge or anything else, really. But even I know that leaving things unsaid doesn't mean those things don't exist.
Lunch with a bunch of 1970s cousins and an 8 year old niece (all of whom I've never met before), speaking in a version of a language I can barely understand apart from the occassional snippets similar to my own dialect. What? It was the wierdest thing - it's hard to believe we're related. Family grudges can hold for ages but don't work when only half hold the grudge while the other half acts like desperate idiots, intent on attention. Anyway, tomorrow's the ninth day of the lunar new year. Time for Hokkien traditions - I want some sugar cane.
I've always said that the worst thing anyone can do is to let someone down. That's basically what I strive NOT to do every day. But no matter how much I strive to do so many of the things I do, they're
out of the norm, they stick out and are seen as nothing more than... sweetness. Because of their novelty, they're superficially appreciated. It's pathetic. Disappointing. We can all do better than this.
Options chosen are a
. I don't understand why I'm focusing on the sciences when really, I'd be better off with subjects requiring bullshit.
One day till the end of the month; 8 weeks till the end of school and effectively 2-3 months till the Big Ones. HAHA it's about time to start the all-dreaded mugging but who CAN be bothered? We've got all the coursework out of the way and it's almost as if we've put in
much effort into those pieces AND the mocks that we've reached our limit and we can't summon up the willpower to sit down and revise like we should. It seems almost easy, now that we've only got exams ahead. Can't wait till this is over.
And so, March begins (almost). Much of the school year's passed with only a few months left before a new phase of our lives begin.
Today, in that five minutes I take walking to school I figured: Letting Go doesn't mean not caring. You don't have to forget to let go. Similarly, you don't need to release all sense of attachment.
I remember We Will Rock You. Pure Queen Fest; was great, you could feel the beat pulsing through the theatre, the atmosphere was (almost) electric. And my brain, sluggish from endless mugging for mocks was finally awake. Again, please?
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