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Postcard from Heaven
New month, random thoughts:
Sometimes I think it'd be so nice to have a twin inside of you, knowing every thought that passes through your head, every emotion you feel, every experience you've had. Even if that'd lead to a loss of privacy and all such junk, with that twin, there'll always be someone there.
I wonder whether I'm a conformist. Just a thought.
I'd love to think I've got a positive outlook, do I? Haha, strange question.
You're never alone because we're all doing the same things. We're all looking for the answers.
Perfect is being who you are.
Back from St Pauls' open house. The keep-an-open-mind outlook helped. Lots. Hah, went there not expecting much other than posh, proud, upper classes. Impressed, didn't completely fit expectations. My school's quite lax compared to this but really, today's changed the impression I had of St Pauls. It's strange. Pros and cons. Decisions. Again. Hate it. But quite exciting I suppose, at least I've got the opportunities to make decisions. Think I'll just leave it to chance. If I get in, so be it. Probably will go there — I seem to always take the hardest path. Nothing's confirmed. Still hate decisions.
I've got people telling me 24/7 how amazing I am. That's beginning to wear out a little. (oh the irony) All everyone sees are the results, they don't see the consequences of the results or what it took to get me there. Results don't mean much really. I might have gotten them, but I might not be where I appear to be. If that makes sense.
The things about leaving your comfort zone, they aren't really true. Found that even after you enter foreign territory, you get comfort zones as well as
zones of no control.
Just a thought.
excited about work experience! Haha I really hope I get an attachment to toxicology/forensics. Maybe Law. Hah, I don't think I'll get the Real Deal but it'll be an insight. Always considered forensics as a future career, law's simply based on strengths. Never really considered it till now and I just want to know what it's all about.
Mum's finally agreed for me to take psychology next year. YEEEEEEEEEES. Time to work on the father.
CIRCLE TIME (!): One key principal I've stuck by through some of my lowest points:
Be the person you want to be.
Dial tone after someone's just put down the phone. The. Worst. Miss my mum. Every time she calls, it adds a little twinkle to my day, without exception. When she puts down the phone, I realise how alone I am in this crazy world.
Friends say I'd be so amazing if I go into areas of psychology. Hah, I really wonder why.
When it all boils down, I can't match up to anyone in everything that I'm doing — subjects/extra curricula. Except English. But English really doesn't mean very much to me. Hah, whatever. Be grateful for what you have. Sure.
Right now, I'm in the mood to stop. Do nothing. Lie on my back on solid, carpeted flooring (uncarpeted would be too cold) and go to sleep. Hahaha!
It's strange. Maybe opposites do attract. I realised that apart from one person, the friends I'm close to are complete opposites of me. We're like two ends of a pole. It's kind of a miracle that we're even friends. Haha, strange.
I hate it when people feel sorry for themselves. Even if it's part of the process of uh, recovery, it's gets too much if you do it ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.
"Don't say, "I can't do it". Because even when you don't really mean it, your subconscious will take your negative thoughts into account and put them into action. Your subconscious has more influence over your actions than you think. Though it might be difficult sometimes, say "I CAN" because whether you believe it or not, your subconscious will. So&
MAKE YOUR DREAMS HAPPEN.
Because as someone famous once said, 'You can't make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave butt-prints in the sands of time?'"
Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. That's true.
"What would you do if you'd all the money in the world?"
I'd help people to help themselves.
I never realised the truth in that until I said it. All the money in the world, and I'd give my mum a better life. I'd loan - the money she needs to fulfill her dreams - if she still wants to follow her original plans.
I realise that right now, I'm at the point when I'm more than aware of how young I really am but also how I'm so close to being an adult.
Regret is such a pointless thing.
It's all in the head.
Finally see the point of what my singing teacher's been telling me all along. I think, everyone's got so much more in them than they realise. That's why sometimes you get all that "oooh hidden talent!" junk. Haha YEEEES. It's all in the head. Haha, I
hockey. I don't know, it's just one of the only sport I can do properly if I focus enough and it's just.. great. :]
Faith, hope and glory. And friendship. And teamwork. That's what it's all about. Say hello to a new beginning. Everything's going to be okay.
Argh ill. Bleah. This is going to be one long, long year. Barely half a term and we're all buried under mountains and mountains and mountains. It's gonna get worse. But I can see the end, right now. Haha. Okay, maybe not the end. But the little milestone. Weeklong half terms, then a few more pieces of coursework set then it'll be a little little, TINY while until everything's cleared and we'll be home free for studying for the exams. I think. Haha. Gosh, exams. Os, As, University, Work, Independence, Adulthood. Time flies. You can't, because they fly too fast.
Careers with Mr. Richmond again. Haha! Did this test, it was SO accurate, it's scary. Everyone else who got the same answer as me found some fault in it, but for me, Every Single Thing it said was right. Haha gosh.
These past few weeks, everyone seems out to test my limits. I've had enough of people to be honest and I'm glad for half terms, week after next. I hate this easily annoyed side of me but I've had enough of people pushing the boundaries. I'm standing firm to what I believe is right, no matter what others think.
I'm not in the mood to 100word today.
I'm fed up with people and having to figure them out.
I'm exhausted and I really wouldn't mind spending half term alone at home, with the books/music/everyTHING else. No people. No pretence, no fronts, no appearances.
It's not all bad, I've just had enough. Sometimes I'm even annoyed with myself. This is bad. HAha.
Ironically, all I really want to do right now is speak to my best friend, on the other side of the world. She'd understand. With her, I am who I am.
Thank goodness for the long weekend ahead.
I'm fed up, I'm fed up, I'm fed up. For no obvious reason at that. Argh. Sometimes I just want to firmly whisper, Stop. No screams, no scenes, nothing of that sort. Just a pause. To myself, for myself. To others, for others. Others. Hah, I wonder what life would be like without other people around. It would be the loneliest thing and I'd probably go crazy. But then I wonder what if the only people who existed were those I completely trusted. Mum, brother.. friends. Then, I'd be safe. Have a safe place to laugh and hope and cry.
Just Push Pause.
Works very well. Hah, I've been so annoying recently, other people really shouldn't have to put up with my nonsense. I keep doing things that're really not.. me, and my normally annoyingly long fuse has become so short. Chloe thinks it's the stress, it really isn't. I'm definitely not exerting any amount of pressure on myself. It's just strange, I'm quite fed up with it and I have to learn to control it. Yesterday was pause day, so is today and tomorrow. Come Monday, I hope that I'll be back.
Lighter note, I've finished Geography Coursework! :D
Pause day #2, thought it was working, apparently not. Haha, maybe it's a form of running away or something, not a clue but argh. Pause. Pause. Pause.
I think too much pausing is my problem because I never EVER seem to voice it out to the person involved when I get annoyed, angry or whatever else. Plus, this is such a silly thing to be annoyed about, I really should stop. Argh. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
But anyway, thanks to yimin, who always makes my day with the unexpected things she says. Need to tell her that sometime.
Now's one of those times when I really want to but can't say what I want to because I'm afraid of jinxing the whole goodness/ whatever of it. HAHA Art's gonna be so, so nerve-wrecking, but fun nonetheless. (:
Read somewhere that your subconscious has much more influence over your actions than you think (well, duh, it's your SUBconscious) and I'm beginning to think that it's quite true. Hah, sometimes I find that though I never really make a conscious decision to do something, I do it, even if it was just a vague thought the day before. Haha, strange.
Argh, so tired. Not too much work to do, I'm just tired and couldn't seem to concentrate on anything today. It's strange but even when I really want to, I can't show people what I really feel. So around them, I'll continue smiling, being .. who I am. Even if I'm tired or, upset or scared. Or annoyed. Feel like so much of a sympathy searcher if I do show anything other than smiles. Maybe that's one of the reasons I like 100word. There isn't really any mention of who I am (i.e. names), guarantees some kind of anonymity. Haha.
I don't get really annoyed very easily but one way to make me really mad is to jump to conclusions. You once said that you could "see through me". If you don't remember, I never replied. I'm sorry, you really can't. Half the things you say, I nod then keep quiet because I don't want to say anything that might offend you. But seriously, you don't know me. At. All. You think you do, and it's getting on my nerves. You make a lovely friend. But stop fucking judging me. There's always a side of the story you don't know.
Nobody's got the responsibility to tell me what's going on. And when it slams you in the face, it's just too much. I hate the fact that I'm still so attached. It's been 2 bloody years. I'm so glad half term's coming, my engine's dying out and I don't really mind just not doing or thinking anything for the rest of the year. One of those times when you just want to scream, STOP. STOP. STOP. Call it melodramatic, but I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want the next second to pass. STOP. JUST. FUCKING. STOP.
I'm in need of inspiration. Hah, I'm always the one trying to cheer people up, always the first to let others borrow my things, always the one who helps when people want me to. At this point, I really need some .. help, from myself. I'm so so thankful for the half terms, time for some down time, relax, revision, coursework. Still tons of work, but tons of time, if managed well. It's been one hell of a term, it seems like years have passed. & it's only going to get harder from here. Nevermind, everything's going to be okay.
"You're one of the best, don't ever give up on anything, especially not on yourself. you were brave enough to follow your dreams, I'm glad. Continue being brave, I hope you get what you want from life, you sure deserve it. ... I'll never forget you, you helped me through so much, helped me grow, gave me faith when I had none left."
I think being a friend is simply trying your best to understand. I'm glad I've got the people around me, even if I keep things to myself most of the time.
Badly need some inspiration.
I need some motivation, something to tell me that everything I'm doing is going to be worth it. I know it is, 10 years down the road. Continue working as hard as I am, it'll all pay off when I'm older. But I find that I'm always the one telling people/myself that it'll all work out. That's not enough anymore. I need someone to tell me that it's going to be okay. Because to be honest, it's facking hard. Everyone PROMISES to be here, 24 hours a day, no matter what. But it really doesn't work that way, does it?
You could dream of writing a bestseller, be a world famous photographer. You could dream of bringing out the extrovert in every introvert you know. Or you could simply dream of
being the person you want to be.
Idealism goes a long way. Add a dash of realism and you've got the perfect package. Plain, hard realism equals too much cynicism. You won't get anywhere. Be realistic, sure, know your limits, know the extent of your ability. But if you stick too much to reality, you're never going to be able to push past your limits, are you?
I work too much. Enjoyed these past few days at my cousin's place, it's been fun, got quite a bit of work done as well. Made up this time table, not sure I'll really be able to finish doing what I've got to do by the time it starts though. Chloe's right, I do too much, make everything harder than they are. But then I don't see how I can really do my best if I don't do what I'm doing. To be honest, I'm not as smart, clever or quick on the uptake as everyone apparently thinks I am.
To accept is to take in and understand a situation, a person, a thought or feeling without question, bias or anything other than its pure form. Hate it when people make assumptions about someone or something simply based on what they see, or whatever they've experienced before. To me, every experience is a uniquely individual happening. Situations might be (tenuously) linked together, but jumping to a conclusion is quite simply, wrong, even if your conclusion was right. I think that by accepting what you see before making any judgments, you create so many more opportunities to gain a deeper understanding.
Eight things I want to do before I die (which is a long way of, but hey, it's never too early)(no order):
1. Make a difference.
4. Give my mum a better life.
5. For what it's worth, I'd tell everyone I know how much I believe that life's a bitch most of the time, but it'll take them wherever they wanted to go. That faith might be stronger for some people compared to others, but it's still there somewhere.
6. Leave a lasting legacy.
7. Help others help themselves.
8. Published something. Art, writing, anything.
"You're one of the best, don't ever give up on anything, especially not on yourself. You were brave enough to follow your dreams, I'm glad. Continue being brave, I hope you get what you want from life, you sure deserve it. ... I'll never forget you, you helped me through so much, helped me grow, gave me faith when I had none left."
Sorry, second time posting that in a month. I can't believe that someone actually wrote that to me. I'm really not good enough.
I'm thinking, everything's just going to change from here. For better or for worst.
2 years ago I made the biggest decision I've ever had to make. 2 years later, where do I stand? I see my life as an abstract spider web. Everything's linked and I'm right in the center, being pulled in all directions.
2 years later, that decision's still effecting changes. I've had enough of change to be honest. I don't know where everything's going to lead and for the first time I remember, I want to be selfish. I don't want to care what everyone else is feeling. I need someone to tell me it's all going to be okay.
I remember Swannage. We were talking about ourselves, each other, letting each other know what we thought. I liked that night. You could tell how everyone was being honest, there were no secrets. Everyone really cared. After that night, we know that whatever happens, we'll stick together. They aren't the people I or anyone else would consider my best friends. I talk to them, but I wouldn't contact them during the holidays. But strangely enough I can't imagine being comfortable talking so openly if anyone else had been in the room, even if it was someone I'm supposedly close to.
"A jewel's just a rock put under enormous heat and pressure. Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look."
"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
"If the world did not suck, we would all fall off."
"She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to."
"I might need you to say it's alright. (:"
"I'm stronger than you know."
"Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been."
"I love you for simply being who you are."
"Be the person you want to be."
This is one of those times when I imagine other people would be curled up in a corner, crying their hearts out. Or blasting Simple Plan at full volume. Maybe telephoning a friend, mother, brother, family. Maybe tomorrow they'll go to school all moody and depressed, acting completely out of ordinary. Everyone will ask, "hey, you alright?" Hah and I'm acting completely normal in front of others. Maybe writing this is my way of feeling sorry for myself, I don't know. I just know that today, it finally blew and almost everything came rushing out. Bottling up has adverse consequences.
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