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I thought about all these written days gone by. Do I really want to write this november batch? Or let it slide until next month? I can get back to my uncounted words in my little notebooks. Well it seems I've started now. Is it compulsion that will force me to finish this now just because I've started? Perhaps I'm not wrapped too tight. Or way too tight, depending on our interpretation of modern street psychology. Either way, these small challenges get into your blood. Then it's too late. My lovely muse just smiles, and takes me. Heart and soul.
Sunday was such a surprise to see her. We both got toasted on tequila and a couple of beers at the bar. The bartender kept filling our glasses. We kept emptying them as the early evening slid along. Lubrication by Jose Cuervo. It was a good time but neither of us could drive after that. We keep telling each other that we're not going to do these things anymore, but you know how that goes out the window pretty quick. Once you get started. Someday we'll figure it out and get control of our lives again. I just know it.
Whenever she's upset or depressed, it makes me sad. To not see her smile is in itself painful to my soul. I jangle with her moods like an empath. Needing her happiness for myself to survive these day to day encounters with the blues. If only I could cheer her up somehow. I was never good at telling or remembering jokes. I must find a way to make her smile because it feels so damn good. All of my totally selfish motives for giving her joy will survive within my love for her. She is my muse. My soul's inspiration.
All the silly misunderstandings we have together. A chance remark taken in the wrong way. Something said without thinking. I didn't mean it that way. Or was it a freudian slip? Who knows? I get tired of over analyzing every little thing. We hurt each other's feelings on a regular basis it seems. But I don't think either of us ever meant to once. Our emotions are so tangled up together, I'm surprised we can even function the way our relationship exists. I only know that I wish us both to be happy. No matter where our lives take us.
It's so special to have a pure affinity for someone. Someone who showed up out of the clear blue one day. Like an angel appearing in your life, straight from above. These things don't happen every day. No, not very often at all. A once in a lifetime thing. Maybe twice if you're really lucky. Or live to a ripe old age. I never thought of myself as being lucky. Then again, I have so much to both laugh, and cry about too. How different is my love than anyone else's? The love is the same. It's who it's for.
Our music floated in the air like bubbles popping here and there around the room. Sexy songbird singing her sultry song above the music, bucking and weaving funky low down groove we lay down in the night. Bottom pinned with short staccato beat bop bongo pop bop. Middle squeezing little cries and moans between the clusters harmonic and loose. I float up top near the ceiling somewhere, in and around diva songbird sounds. We fly together on the wings of melody and space. Held up there by the pulse of life beneath us. It feels good to fly with her.
Another friday night at the bar. Later night hanging around a friend and more, over drinks and laughing conversation. Sidecar warm and fuzzy on my brain, I smile at all the different levels of buzz spinning around the room. This old ancient room of some two hundred years and more, still in full tilt swing. A den of food, drink and laughter. Still serving the town well, I would say. After all these years, this old building still buzzes with life and cheer. They tell me people still have sex in the restrooms. And at times, on certain tables upstairs.
Saturday cocktails. Another weekend begins in this autumn chill it off good. My bar was fun for a few hours after work. I got a little buzz and went back home to see what was going on. We didn't feel like going out, so we had something to eat at home and stayed in. A quiet night of homemade burritos and watching the tube. There's a lot of things I miss in this life of growing older in these middle aged years. Things aren't as exciting as they used to be in the recent past. But I still love it.
Consumed by some form of displaced lonliness, I reflect on disillusionment and all my ambiguous failures of the past. What was ever accomplished by my hand? No stories to tell anymore. No tall tales of love and glory. Just a stupid, sad bit of nothing to be proud of. So easy to drown in vodka valley. So pathetic to feel like crying most of the time. Who did this to me anyway? I want to tear out their heart and make them feel like I do. Mea culpa. We all know the truth now. I did it all by myself.
Thinking about all the ladies I've known. The loves. The fooling around. The one night stands. I spent time getting over them all. Days, weeks, months, whatever. I find it ironic somehow that I can't get over you. After all we've been through, I just can't let you go. And I know I can't have you anyway. When we made love, even just fooling around, it was sacred to me. And I know that it was nothing you said or did. Now I realize that the difference was in the way that I feel about you. It's never happened before.
Poker night with the guys. Cocktails and beers. We played the win some, lose some kind of cards that passes the evening on a mellow note. It was a fun night after a long day at work. I lost a little money but I didn't care. Some of those guys need it a lot more than I do. Besides, in the long run, I'm still quite a bit ahead. The going around and coming around of everyday karmic wheels always spin their judicious circles where luck is concerned. And it's a good thing to forget about everything else for awhile.
I felt you here in my arms. Even though you were miles away. Perhaps in someone else's. I could see your face, beautiful and serene, at rest, right in front of my eyes. Sleeping, quietly dreaming in my arms. I've lapsed into my own internal eternity all about you, here with me. Lost in a fantasy of your scent and the soft sound of your breathing. I'd stay here forever with you. I found my very own heaven within your arms. Within your soul. Prisoner of my heart. I found eternity in every timeless moment I lived inside of you.
I call it the acid trip rehearsal. Everything was way weird. Pissed off bad mood and angry I decided to get blasted. Diva was already way ahead of me and nobody else really mattered. They were just talking too much for my liking. I wanted to play some music. I wanted to make some noise. We did get a few things done. A couple of tunes just for fun and one new song we won't remember at all next week. Sometimes I wonder why we bother to try. Another exercise in absurdity. Oh well, I guess every little bit helps.
Checking out the bar after work. I saw some people worth seeing and had a few enjoyable conversations. I really wanted to go out and hear some music but I couldn't find a venue to my liking. Hanging out with a few cocktails, and talking to a good friend. We didn't solve any world problems, but she was helping me a lot with some of mine. It's nice to get some input from people that you trust. It's good to have friends that care enough to want to help somehow. It's really good to have friends that care at all.
The end of the work week is here and now. I'm getting lost in another haze of vodka and nothing much better to do. Smoking too many cigarettes and wishing I were somewhere else. I saw all my loves. Some not quite enough. That's always the case with certain loves. I cruise it out. This haze of escapist mental chaos. One more time, we dust it off and try to pull it all back together. I have no regrets to pine over. Nothing I did or didn't do to keep on. I just wish that everything was alright once again.
Day of rest. Caught up helpless in ambivalent feelings towards everything. Love and hate dance together like boys and girls in my head. Dancing crazy sexy tango dances spinning and strutting moves across the dance floor of my life. Boys and girls. All the quiet rage of pushing and pulling in this nasty go round of give and take existence we live. We live for each other. I don't know what I would do without the tension and conflict. There is no greater purpose to these wanderings of the soul. I only wish to love and be loved in beauty.
Untold quiet nights of passed out too much vodka day off. I spin in a reverie of fond memories. The special times we spent together all hang in my heart, perhaps never to be lived again. My love will never fade, only displaced by other distractions I'll need to escape the pain of not being with you. Our illfated romance continues it's dance in the past, becoming immortal now that flesh and blood have moved on. My heart cries for you. It sobs like a child left alone in the dark. All the little things we did. Slowly coming undone.
Another evening with the guys. Sipping on good beer and playing cards. Win a little, lose a little. The typical gambling thing over the long run. It was good to be somewhere else for a change on a weekday's night. I stopped by the restaurant for a nightcap on my way walking back to the car. Probably hung out too long. Time flies in mellow conversation over cocktails at the bar. Even at one in the morning. All these diversions we live on in our day to day lives. None of them really matter too much. All smoke and mirrors.
She always seems so sad most of the time. I don't know how to cheer her up. It really bums me out, and then the negativity creeps in. I'm getting tired of being tangled up in feelings I have no control over. Tired of not being able to make things right, and make her happy. It's so good to hear her laugh and see her smile. It always pulls me up over the top of all the emotions swimming around inside of me. She can pull me out of the worst feelings and always put a smile on my face.
No music. No good times. I can't write about all of this anymore. Devastated lonely, I just want to carry on with it. Crippled heart. I can't continue like this, and I just can't say goodbye again. Lost in a trance of lost romance with nothing to hold onto now. Treading water drowning in my own sea of heartache. These times spill over onto my life. The memories softly forgotten in a haze of self preservation, I try to reinvent myself. Hoping I can pull it off and live to be happy again. With or without your love, I cry.
You've had the best of all my pathos. My anger and resentment over the sad and lonely recent past times. I'm not sorry for living this life. I've been learning a lot. But I do feel so sorry for taking it all out on you. Another time or place, things might have been different. Here in my own world, I survived in a shell of acceptance. Now I feel out in the open once again. And every time you back away from me, I feel so lonely all over again. Like sometimes I wish none of it had ever happened.
You always think that I'm pissed off when I withdraw. But I'm usually just feeling disappointment. I'm sorry if I wear it on my face. Sometimes I'm a lot better than others. I always expect too much. But I'm learning not to expect anything from you now. I'm just starting to understand it all. The pain of expectation. None of us needed it all along. I don't know what my problem is, but I've started to fix it already. It's just so funny to realize that life really shouldn't be that serious. It's easy to think that when you're stoned.
It's so easy to part when someone disappears or the scene changes. And memory slips away and emotions cool and move on. But to see you all the time is hard. Afraid to smell you because your smell upsets my balance. Chemical reaction. Chemical dependence. It drips off you rich and clean. Like I don't even know what that is. But it sends me into a spin every time. Hormones racing out of control, I just melt into a warm puddle and want to have it all for myself. Down here in a warm wet wallowing folly of love misspent.
I saw her a lot today as was my pleasure. I know I shouldn't have gone back so late but I couldn't help it. I always create my own disappointments. Knowing it doesn't help. But I guess it all takes time to sink in. Always thought I was smart, but the older I get....You know. I think I'm more afraid of her than even she is of me. And I know she is. But it hurts to be afraid. So all these spent moments constantly echo in my soul. Still learning about life, and the special things we share.
Some people, most people, live out their flat, boring lives without the pain so necessary for growth. I'll take the drama any and every day. To feel alive and electric like the current just won't let up. Swimming the rapids, it feels so good to be wet and wild. Worn cliches I try not to drown in. Like worn out emotions I've tried to leave behind. But they haunt me every day and night. Relentless in their own profound way. Getting there but not quite. I find myself laughing at my own foolishness. And wonder what the hell I'm doing.
Surviving this game of win or lose defeat, we play for keeps. Being so careful not to screw up, and then someday we just die. It's getting harder to justify this crazy life and the way we live it. Temporary distractions bide our time until the end. Elusive happiness slips through our fingers like dry sand pouring quietly into the dust of anonymity. Who designed this game of frustrated hearts? All lost now, not knowing where we came from or where we're going to. Is it just a play of illusions? Or is it god getting to know this creation.
Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. No turkey tonight, but thanks for letting me be alive. Electric crazy, I dance my own dance of disjointed arms and legs. I fly my own way into your arms or out and away. Quiet holiday. Nothing much to do, I lay back and talk to myself crazy stupid, and go out looking for you. Even though I know you're not around, I always think maybe...And then again, I always go home too soon. But every day has been a joy to be around. Even if the good times aren't always what they should be. I'm down.
Friday went out with a good friend. A best friend lover kinda used to be. Nothing different in the wind and whirl of our sudden friendship. Just so nice to be somewhere else for a big change of scene. I'd go anywhere with her. Walk through the gates of hell and come back out with her all in one piece of utterly lovely woman. I wax crazy now, just feeling it all the way I do. I only wish she felt the same way too. We have a perfectly ripe love, growing in this imperfect world. I want her madly.
At the bar I hung out hoping I'd catch her. Because what the hell, I wanted to see her for a minute, an hour. My god, I'd spend all my time with her until I bored her with my...Like as boring as I can be. But she was so cool like she can be to me. I melt and laugh, happy to be around in my spin of romance. Regardless of conditions, I take the chance everything will always be ok. A ride to my truck in all the traffic. I think she still loves me. I really do. .
I thought about all these past months and wondered what the hell I was doing. Going through some changes. Different harmonies for different times of life. I'm better now. Getting even better all the time. Not so compulsive, just a steady state of melodic rhyme. I spin the songs in my own heart of hearts. Dipping and weaving in and out of love. I dive in helpless and hopeless swimming upstream. Learning all about the heart and soul of you and I. A bottomless experience I can only hope continues. Futures uncertain, uncontrived by the past. We will find ourselves.
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