10/01 Direct Link
Somehow it feels like the first. October? The rest of my life? Recently, things started to move around again after a very long period of stillness. I was frozen in time and space. Marking time in a bucket full of glue. I'm breathing easier now. Not sure why,but I'm not asking too many questions about this particular gift horse. We'll go with the flow on this one. I accept my newly found freedom from emotional stasis and I will ride that horse into tomorrow next week, month, year. The first indeed. I think I really like these new beginnings.
10/02 Direct Link
There's an autumn chill in the air. So soon, too soon for leather jackets all the time. I wanted to squeeze just a few more nice warm weekends out of summer before it faded into the cool of fall racing towards winter. Now we'll all be hiding under layers of clothing for the next six months. I threaten to run away into the warm sweaty arms of New Orleans and maybe never come back. It's become a yearly fantasy of mine. Heart and soul. Oh man, I love that town. Steamy and slow moving. Like a good old blues tune.
10/03 Direct Link
We turned that corner a long time ago. Thinking back now in retrospect, I can't remember at what precise point everything changed. Hard left. How does frienship turn into hatred? I maintain a constant struggle to contain my anger and the get me the fuck out of here before I try to kill somebody kind of feelings which flow through my body like waves of heat. Or an orgasm. Have another drink. You weren't going to kill anybody anyway. Talking to myself in the second person now. Always good to be objective with our inner demons. How about that drink..
10/04 Direct Link
I thought about you. Your tenderness and your smile. The one where your cheeks rise up and hide your eyes behind two narrow slits of joy. I'd do anything for that smile because I need it in my life. Need it for the shaking my head chuckles it always evokes in me. That's part of my joy. I can be so selfish with your happiness. Criminally voyeuristic when you walk across the room or fool with your hair. I'm a junky on you. All the little things you say and do. I would crawl inside you and stay there forever.
10/05 Direct Link
She doesn't respond sometimes when I ask her things. Pretending she didn't hear me, I suppose. Or perhaps she was just off somewhere. Lost in herself. I'm not so fussy about these little blockades of thought and feelings. I just keep on keeping with what I know. Then again she'll tell me things from the bottom of her soul. Things I never asked about. Things I didn't know existed. I cherish all these moments of candor. They keep me up at night hoping she's OK. Always and forever. I know I'm going to love her for a long, long time.
10/06 Direct Link
Sitting here alone late in the night. This old house quiet as a whisper. I toss about my thoughts and feelings of what is real opposed to the fantasy. My life divided by wishful thinking. All the hopes and fears of dreams and desires gone out of control. I had my moments of shear joy. The pleasures and pain of love that come and go with such difficulty, catch you up in a limbo created by your own refusal to see truth as it exists. I can't let go of these dreams. They're all I have to live for now.
10/07 Direct Link
Sitting here at work in the afternoon. Running out of things to do already. I always feel like I'm milking the clock when I stick around for another hour unnecessarily. So here I write. Not a thought in this empty head worth sharing. Can't hit the bar too early. It's a bad habit that makes for an early pass out evening. Expensive too. If only I can make it until 4. The time crawls slowly here. This building must be situated in one of those fourth dimensional warps where everything goes slower than anywhere else in the world. Oh damn.
10/08 Direct Link
It was always difficult to hold her attention with only words, unless you were alone in the room together with no distractions. She would wander on you. A subtle ADD case on the loose. Music was one thing that would keep her focused for awhile. She loves to dance, and she sings like an angel. I could watch her bounce around for days. Right on to the very next thing. One thing after another. Like a butterfly gently drifting from flower to flower with no specific agenda. I've gotten used to her ways. Watching her butterfly heart. Gently fly away.
10/09 Direct Link
They took my best friend to the hospital today. His heart stopped beating for a little while they said. We are all freaked out. All of us friends. We cross our fingers and hope for the best in this crazy tasting of mortality. We just want our buddy back. Just the way he was. Always quick with a joke and a scotch on the rocks. He makes us laugh with stupid puns and stories he's already told us more than once. What are you gonna do? We love the man. And now we must place our faith in medical science.
10/10 Direct Link
Fridays always flow with an unpredictable regularity. End of the week disappointments and beginning of the weekend anticipation. I usually find myself caught up somewhere between the two for the evening. Once the weekend is really underway, everything fades into it's brief, over before you know it embrace. Another illusory trick of perception. Perhaps the flow of time itself is somewhat elastic when our observation of it is filtered through our pleasure and pain sorting apparatus. Mumbo jumbo for someone with too much time on his hands. All I really want from all this is to have a good weekend.
10/11 Direct Link
Here's to all the gentle people I've known. Cheers, with a hearty bottoms up. All the crazy maniacs, who never hurt a soul but themselves. I drink to you all. I thank you all. This life has been a beauty of a dance. I don't know just where we're all going. I don't believe in heaven or hell but for our own creations. We're doing all this at a wonderful time. I will stay at this party just as long as the laughter and the feelings are true. All of my tomorrows will be steeped in fond memories. And you?
10/12 Direct Link
Her hair has the feel of soft silk. Soft scented pheramone ripe richness I inhale deep into my lungs. My nose on the nape of her neck puts me in a swoon of dizzy sex drive shivers I can't control. A trembling madness of touch and smell I can't describe. She oozes what I want. What I need. Every stupid little thing gone out of sight crazy in the warmth of her body and soul. I've loved before. Enough times to know. There has never been anyone in my life before that has made me feel this super charged alive.
10/13 Direct Link
Today we do our chores around the house. Later on we'll head downtown and run a few errands. Pay some bills. Bleed the ATM for some cash. Hit the post office. Stuff like that. Exciting, these mondays. At least the weather is nice. A beautiful fall day. The local foliage is just starting to turn towards autumnal colors. Soon the whole river valley will be clothed in those shades of red orange and yellow that the lush greens of summer descend down the scale through on their way to brown. A falling rainbow of colors. Strange this mystery of life.
10/14 Direct Link
I miss her every time a day goes by without seeing her. What's wrong with me? I'm beginning to believe that I've been bewitched. By her beauty? Or by her plainness? All those stupid little things I'm always talking about. Round about. Ephemeral musings on hard to describe qualities of woman. Femaleness. Girlish tomboy lost in the sauce of life. Oh man, she does something to my being I don't recall ever feeling this way before I felt this way. She put a spell on me. And now she looks the other way. I think it's time to fight back.
10/15 Direct Link
I don't think it's a typical run of the mill kind of love. Or infatuation for that matter either. Something physical but not just sexual. So difficult to sort out belly feelings and spinal shivers. Those violent jolts I experience sometimes when she touches me on the arm or the back. Electrical animal. She's dripping with some kind of female stuff makes me just want to be around her all the time. I'm not really crazy you know. Maybe just a little bit out of control right now. But even with all this angst, it's wonderful to feel so alive
10/16 Direct Link
I caught her looking at me. She quickly averted her eyes when she saw me turn in her direction. Not quick enough. Busted. It's always the little things that can make or break your day. At least that's true for me. These pleasant moments of mild flirtation that happen all the time. I hope they always will. It's the stuff of life. Boys and girls making the world go round. It really seems to be the only thing happening here. Money? Power? Sometimes I really have to laugh out loud. To think any of that crap more important than love.
10/17 Direct Link
Ode to friday. Lovely my day. Let's all get the fuck out of here bye bye day. I don't really hate my job. It's just that there isn't very much to like about it. I suppose most of the general public would most likely proclaim the same. It's a shame. Is this what they mean by selling your soul? Your body of time? Your time body. Time for sale. Step right up and get some time. Two for one today only. Free tomorrow. Time for a cocktail. I think I've got time for three. Maybe four will save my soul.
10/18 Direct Link
It's 2 pm today time. I'm waiting out the hour until I can drive into town and grab a beer at the local hang. Perhaps I'll find some friendly faces in the crowd today. These early restaurant afternoons are crawling with tourists, lunching or sipping on drinks between walking around and looking in shop windows and more of the same. I'm very happy if I can find a place to park on days like this. And then the handful of quarters I'll need to buy enough time to enjoy myself. It's all a stupid ritual I continue for who knows.
10/19 Direct Link
There used to be a time when you came to me for comfort. Times when you just needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I don't know what happened to those times. The way we used to be. Maybe I drove you away somehow. Perhaps I'm just stupid and can't see that you simply don't love me anymore. You'd rather smoke dope with your friends than hang out with me and talk of life and all the things that make us rich or poor. Happy or sad. You make me feel sad most of the time. Missing you.
10/20 Direct Link
We did that Monday thing. Running errands and paying bills kind of thing. Had a very nice lite lunch at the bar. Salads and well chilled sauvignon blanc. And of course, the great service you get at a place where everyone knows you. Some of the good things about living in small town life. The niceties of familiarity make everyday life more personal and intimate. I enjoy knowing the people I do business with and all the staff at the restaurants and bars we go to regularly. Yeah, small town life. It makes me very happy to live around here.
10/21 Direct Link
I want her. I want to fuck her panties off. Such a little girl. Hair like pure silk. Small hands. Too many years between us. I'm not so sure that she cares about all of that. Not that sure that I do either. To touch her. To kiss her. In a swoon made of chocolate and booze. I fall once again. That little girl mother spins me around in her own orbit. To have her is wrong. I can't argue with all that. But it would be nice to stretch her out somewhere in the dark and give her everything.
10/22 Direct Link
I thought about all my special people. All so different in their very own way. Perhaps the only thing any of them have in common is me. My love for them. All for unique reasons. They each occupy their own private little piece of my heart. Our distinct relationships achieve a flow of give and take sharing and caring particular to our feelings for each other. The little things that make you feel like dancing down the street. Laughing to yourself when you're sitting around alone late at night. Missing them but knowing they're probably doing the same thing too.
10/23 Direct Link
I looked for her number. Petite little one I adore. I couldn't find it, and it was unlisted too. All for the better I guess. Still too young. Even though she turned thirty this year. That's not that young, I know. But I guess that means that I'm too old. Something I really don't want to admit or believe. Too old for her. And all the lust I have stored up in fond memories of the few innocent late night moments we shared in drunken accord. Stroking her hair and holding her hand. Hearing her life's story at 3 am.
10/24 Direct Link
She told me that she couldn't take it when I was mad at her. I wasn't sure exactly why she was bringing that up at the time. I wasn't mad at her at all. Was there something I didn't know about yet? You know, I can't really recall ever being mad at her. Maybe once. She's made me disappointed and sad. She's even made me feel pretty bad at certain moments in our emotionally charged relationship. But I can't really get mad at her because it just hurts too much venting that kind of energy on her. I love her.
10/25 Direct Link
Saturday out with friends. At their house tonight for dinner. A few too many drinks before it all. After work and all that. Everything was excellent and I was just a little bit too high for conditions. Another time. Another place is what it seems like now. Pleasant conversation into the night. Nodding out after dinner. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I guess I should get more sleep the night before. All these crazy nights gone outside on me and everybody too. But then again we're all getting up there somewhere. Somewhere better is what it's all about.
10/26 Direct Link
I'm broke down in L'ville. Too many secrets. Too many private things . Not my business. No, not really. Just the things that everybody needs to know. Just to carry on. Escaping into the vodka and the times. I'm so tired of all the disappointment I could cry. Yeah sure. You're my friend. And everybody else's too it seems. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before. But it hurts this time like I can't tell you. If I'm right, it's all over. Probably a big relief for you. If I'm wrong, then I'll just feel like a fool, and be happy.
10/27 Direct Link
My love for her has been nothing short of a grand roller coaster ride. Ups and downs ranging from so high to oh so low. All happening sometimes in the space of 24 hours. Emotional retrospect flips about my affinity for her. Just about every one of our problems were all misunderstandings. I say were, because I refuse to doubt her feelings and her love for me anymore. I refuse to be neurotic for no good reason. I'm still crazy about her. I can't imagine that will ever change. If there is such a thing as the soulmate, she's mine.
10/28 Direct Link
So that was fun. Over at Ehrin's and all that. I'm a little fucked up right now, so excuse me. Great time . I guess I won some money. Most likely lose it back next week. I adore you, as you well know. Or you should by now. Just saying hi hello don't you want to kiss me? I want to kiss you. Hope you had a good time on your day off with Dave. You stoners. I love you guys. Mostly you though. See you soon. Love and all the rest of that stuff. You know. I just love you.
10/29 Direct Link
I stopped by the bar after work. It was a wine kind of day. Some pleasant conversation and good music on the cd player made my early evening hours quite enjoyable. These middle of the week days have their own character. A much different feel than other parts of the week. It's so tempting to blur them all together out of sheer day to day boredom. There's always tomorrow to feel new again. To get lost in. To rediscover some detail of being that gives you a head full of freedom or joy. Like finding yourself happy for no reason.
10/30 Direct Link
It was a beautiful evening spent out with a friend. A few drinks here and there. A little shopping for Halloween. Tomorrow wraps up the month. Halfway point for the fall. Costume night for goblins and vampires or maybe just looking like someone else you never looked like before. Playing pretend. A child's game of make believe fantasy into the night. I'll look forward to being out and about. Having some fun trying to do a good job of playing myself for a change. Someone else indeed. We all hide behind our own masks most of the time anyway. Halloween?
10/31 Direct Link
Twisted indifference brought on by alcohol. Caught in the throes of a bipolar episode. I question all the actions I've taken and passed by. This lifetime has been so special in so many ways. I can't explain all the frustration and anger I feel at times. Tomorrow is a new month to get lost in. Maybe I can find my way past all this insanity I wallow in. If only I can pull myself through this swamp of defeat. I always thought I had something better to offer the world. I guess I only have to prove this to myself.