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Before applying the mixture any thicker please remove the pieces of my soul from inbetween your teeth, or watch yourself as you breath, you just might choke on me. the rest have agreed upon this conclusion: I'm easy going down. "Quite satisfying" they've all said Reminds me blind lovers are easy to fill- to fool- to fuck- to forget. but this mess you've made of me is simply because you've let me be. smiling as i sit here wedged and covered hoping you won't choke and be the first not to swallow and let the possibility remain that this never ends.
symbols of death mark the beginning of my confusion. time wasted consumes me. each line is different than the next, but my head is too cloudy to set them apart. the center of who i am has lost all feeling. i am not on a path. i am stuck in a cast. having burned all the beauty in my life- all that's left- useless reminders of the past. it's such a waste of tears to try and repair what was designed to remain broken. these effects will not differ from one day to the next. you can not fix me.
force the thoughts to extent from my mind to my finger-tips. on certain days, there's just not a whole lot to say. and if i try to think of something sweet...like a melody or a memory... there's always something sneaking in... like an unpaid bill or a broken heart. and i am this close to getting my ass-kicked by the hurdles in my life. it seems like everyone is sleeping. so let me take a breath deep enough... so that i can scream loud enough for you to hear me when i say...i need your help.
jacob's daughter entered my mind while on your bed this afternoon... the wind outside was sharp and burned our cheeks crimson... an angry woman's voice echoed heavy and thick within the walls of your room... but i was content just to have your breath upon my lips, and your hair inbetween my fingers...your hands on my neck... each sigh, a little sting, that reminded me how long it had been since our bodies had touched... but i could have lingered in that world of temptation forever, living off the possibilities... just you, me, white, and blood-orange tea.
They start like distant echoes... slowly they build to viable forces. Making clear aspects of your life you only half way realize... The beauty of truth sucks you in. Eventually they are all you hear and all you are capable of focusing on. Distracting you from your daily chores... they engulf your mind because they are the only part of your day that speaks to your soul. Nothing is left that holds such importance as this. Close your eyes and allow them to take over-- they will not go ignored...these haunting melodies that have made you a slave.
she weakens me with her words of emotion. her constant rumination, unending, unchanging, unknowing. she laments. i hide behind the laborious front of a bystander. but i nearly buckle under the pressures of truth. in a moment of social dyslexia, an outburst comes from deep within. i am irreproachable, victim of circumstance... the silence had made me irascible... i lacerate unnaturally and inhumanely at my own inability to cope. and as she is enfeebled by my rage, i panic as i realize-- now i have weakened her with my words of emotion... my constant rumination, unending, unchanging, unknowing. i lament.
I am not convinced this is the answer... I don't believe you when you tell me your coping methods... Throwing care and concern to the wind… Preaching about the inability of others to love so quickly and so deeply. Don't you see we have no control over these lessons? There is no balance in our lives. And if you tell me your path isn't always straight, Then how is it happiness you constantly retain? It's a debilitating lie to never acknowledge our goodbyes. Don't expect me to ask you anymore questions. Your mouth pours out answers that drown my hope.
This is a lesson on insecurity… aka the shitty feeling you cause yourself when other people's opinions and actions mean more than they should. Well I'm never going to get it right anyway. I thought I had a sword in my hand… it turned out to be a key. I thought I had a shield protecting my soul… it turned out to be lock. There is no armor… only my naked body… constantly being exposed to the world around me… to all the fucked up things we all go through. We must learn to be comfortable in our own skin.
she said to me... "everybody just hang out and shut up. no drama here. put something in your mouth. okay hunny you need to put something in your mouth. i don't know. that's what i'm afraid of. i really don't want to go into the bathroom and cry. i don't think he would have asked you to go. does that make sense to you? like i said, i don't think he's particularly cold and calculating..." she keeps saying she loves duncan sheik. and she's going to get duncan sheik... apparently he likes to go whale watching....and so does she.
here we go, again. no more. stop talking. stop thinking. i've heard enough. it's not okay. you are sucking me in. there's no eloquent way to say "fuck off", is there? and you keep looking at me like it's all okay... you're taking for granted that i must have some deeper understanding. well, i don't. and i can't pretend like it's not hurting me. you have me holding something too fragile for my shaking hands. you better take it away from me before it shatters... because it's quite clear... i don't know how to take care of delicate things.
I remember m&m's in smurf plastic bowls… and fraggle rock on Sunday evenings…our house on fisher avenue and the paint chipped on the doorway in the shape of betty boop…. I remember being tucked in every night… and my hair combed every morning… I remember not knowing dreams from reality or the sound of wind from that of ghosts.… I remember thinking my brother had some infinite wisdom (because he understood how to play dungeons and dragons…) and that my mother was the center of the universe (in the deepest places of my soul, I still believe this is true…)
effexor.... effects her…. effects or…. affects…. affects the causes… causes the reasons…. reasons and decisions… decisions and problems… problems and solutions… solutions and answers... answers and questions.. question the answers…. effect.... effexor…effective? evidence effects us... until it affects us… and eventually..…emotions… infect us.... infects me.... infections infect… me?… effexor...effects me. emotions affect… sickness infects me…... effexor... disease infects me… illness infects me… I infect you… do I affect you?… for the effects… of you…? for affection… for affection from you…. for affection….for affection from you… for affection….for affection… for affection from you… for affection… for affection from you…. For affection.
The remnants remain between the symbols of our worlds. Space once occupied by our love is now filled with the dusty thoughts of another. Everything is conveniently slanted for sake of operation, yet no one is happy and no one understands. But we keep plugging away. We are taught to just do it because the beat goes on and opportunity waits for now one…( something like that?). But I can't figure out if we are afraid to jump, or have we already?… are we expecting too much or too little? Are we incapable of loving or incapable of feeling loved?
The rain has ceased…. But a halt in progress has commenced. Attention: requesting mental and emotional relocation… another futile attempt to disentangle myself from this plight…. This 22 year lapse in judgment… My immaculate misconceptions… cognitive stagnancy. Non-existent perception… uninhabited souls never take up space. I wonder if I remain idle long enough, could I simply fade away. Or could I recover after suspended consciousness? Could sleep strengthen my heart again and reawaken my being? This indefinite process will leave a destination in its wake… a path I have to take. The recognition of endless steps is our only chance.
I try to gather a glimpse of his perception as the harmony of desire rises from our finger-tips. He doesn't sense my craving and smiles unaware of my faint-heartedness. Magnificent amounts of uncertainty pour from a mixture of tenderness and devotion…. It spills on the floor of the first room to ever embrace our laughter and tears. My soul shakes in fear of discovering tomorrow. The forthcoming ventures may bring incomprehensible pain… but this risk is inescapable. For now I attempt to push this misgiving aside and find comfort in painting this beautiful portrait of our entwined bodies and minds.
lacking all restraint i rally against the falling leaves. it does nothing but my frighten me. although i know its a natural cycle, with each sunset i become more cynical. my dissension goes unnoticed. my insides cave in on top of one another until i am one-dimension. the fire inside me has burned me to the ground. and now i am just the surface on which you gain your stability. footprints where my soul should be... filth and soil muffle any heart beat... i see you above me... walking over my remnants. my anger has put me where i belong...
i have read her words a few times. but only because i have this burning desire to know where this road leads. feigned understanding until the end. but will this fruit ever ripen? or will it rot like the ones before..... and i'll become numb with starvation.... these moments i stay silent, i see you perusing my mind, with wonder and concern.... i have heard her worry over the telephone. but these steps are my own... and the path is laid out in front me... and if my own elusiveness doesn't halt my progress, i hope to see you there....
In all my attempts to counteract our anxieties… I mumble "these pills can't be good for me". I used to think it was just a matter of dealing with our hostility… but those reflections have since disappeared. So please take a moment to clarify how you imagined such a resolution. Those words that readily shot from your mouth forced my spirit to crack in half and collapse… now that I am in a million pieces on the floor shall we try to make amends? You know you're the only one I let in… and I don't need anymore "just memories"…
I love you from the depths of my soul… but no mother, this can not go on…. I picked up the pieces of broken glass when your anger was unleashed … and I stood by you when you kicked out dad…. I called you to tell you your mother had died …. I sat on the steps and listened to you cry….and all the nights you had too much to drink… I put you to bed and cleaned up the mess… but now I am cutting the strings… no longer will I be your puppet…I will only be your daughter
your bmw convertible makes me want to vomit over you and those designer shoes that make too much damn noise. ca-click ca-click ca-click....pounds in my brain... only to be interrupted by the incessant ring of your cell phone.... your absent-mindedness makes my fists clench... and how many of you there are in this world just plain frightens me.... some how people like you endure generation to generation... and i dont mean just materialists... i mean people so lost and insecure they find an identity in high price-tags...how sad it is that empty souls can procreate so easily
Countdown. One month until my world starts spinning in another direction. My loved ones speak of it often... wish they'd shut up. I want it to come because I'm tired of these responsibilities… not because I wish to make anyone proud. Truth is, there's not much to be proud of. I dragged my ass through 4 ½ years of an education that cost too much and taught me too little. The things I value most from these years are the people I've met, and the parts of myself I discovered. The books, the lectures, the papers, the exams, … meaningless.
in four days it will be thirteen months since this world lost the best smile its ever held... but you never believed we loved you so... always felt alone and misplaced... and i was a terrible teenage friend ... never tried enough to appreciate... so selfish how i couldn't face your pain... cold attic bedroom.... fall of 1994... red walls that held our secrets... the redness covers me now... your love was a gift...complete devotion you lent to me... i never returned....and today my guilt smothers me... what i see when i see myself is the worst we were...
pride. wilts our time.... creates nobility and strength in our endeavors... what causes weakness? excessive waste of existence... tidal waves of insufficiency.. break down the wall he built when he left over and over again...... the wall that blocks any sight and enables my fear.... i've got to get over it... i've got to get on with this..... because none of it means anything to anyone but me. lonliness is deepest in the wake of misunderstanding... how does love come to be at the center of so much confusion and uncertainty? at least i haven't lost my ability to feel.
tell myself that it's alright... because i am what she is to you to many other men... just can't get out of their heads... haunting, teasing, forever reminding them of what is no longer there... forcing pride to fall...shattering egos that never existed... it's a giant pill... i swallow harder but it's still stuck in my throat... i should have known i'd be the victim with all these selfish decisions.... but let's take a look at this situation one more time again... usually when it doesn't work out i say to myself "it's not worth it" in the end.
illuminate yourself... do not wait for someone else to fascinate you for your inner flame to ignite... obscuring your perceptions may not be comfortable, do it anyway... i say: fuck the pleasantries.... let's declare a moratorium on the piles of bullshit we feed eachother everyday, before we all start choking on it... you have the choice... stay neutral and get lost in the grayish fog that permeates into the center of your iris.... or allow that fire to burn... orange... red... yellow... blue flames... warm the earth with the distinct inspiration and passion only you can give life to....
i fucked up tonight... i didn't know what i held in my hand... and as the water soaked through the picture... i felt your heartbreak and saw your anger. i'm sorry. i know you've been struggling with this for quite some time... haven't been able to tell you what's been on my mind... your guilt is only temporary... how he loved you so... everyone knows you're holding back... and we've all been waiting for you to react... i don't think any one of us knew exactly what we had....... i just hope we can start to lean on eachother... somehow.
today-- means the same thing .... forgotten faces suddenly appear... empty greetings spoken to the same eyes from years ago but we harbor different souls tonight... can't remember eachothers names... how you living? whatever... replies aren't heard... questions repeated... we pass the same smile onto every person we see... the truths are left at the back of our tongues... they linger.. until their taste leaves our mouths and we can breath a sigh of relief... swallow harder. no i don't want to talk to him... i didn't even like him then... what has time changed? my distain remains ... high school reunions.
.... while sleeping in my childhood room, i had a dream that i told you i loved you... laying in bed, i was paralyzed by emotion for hours.... i had to shake myself out of it... knowing all the while, how i wished you were with me..... to see my family after we've eaten too much...to hear my mother's laugh... and to share with them our happiness... grateful for these things... i give thanks knowing in my heart, one day, you will be here... until then i try to absorb these moments and keep my soul moist with the memories...
Perfect. Flawless. Never fails her. It has experienced so much and is still whole. How wonderful! Not the tiniest little mark of pain. Go ahead, inspect it. I dare you. I speak the truth, it's pristine! Oh no, she's not miserable. How could she be? It's like gold… like diamonds. It can cut glass. How could such a magnificent tool bring her sorrow? She's too tough for that! It's as solid as a rock. Nothing could hurt it. Dependable, consistent… No ounce of anger can penetrate… no drop of sadness can moisten… nothing can get through… it never has…it's nothing.
The madness of the memories coated my childhood and produced an unbalanced outcome. Fallen from a tree with no roots… how can I establish any sanity? I latch onto the stronger ones. I desire the beauty that comes with spirit The demons that live and breath within me… sing songs of hollow souls… all my crying has never been sincere enough to put an end to the taunting…and until now all my anger has never been strong enough to choke their melodies. But there is no determination stronger than that which is driven by love…. I feel that drive rising…
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