REPORT A PROBLEM
It has been one of those days where nothing is right. I'm out of sorts and not really sure which way is up. The hike today didn't happen, but that's not the problem. It seems that when I am ready to do something for myself, something always gets in the way. I am tired of everything being out of my control. I'm also tired of it coming down to the little things that get to me most of all. The peaks are fine but the valleys are cavernous and growing darker each time. "Gonna get me a little oblivion, baby."
These walls are too smooth to get a good hold on. There is no light coming through. No cries escape my throat for they will not escape this chasm. I search endlessly for some answer. Why do I find myself in this place? All I encounter is silence made all the more eerie by the echoes of my palms on the walls. My questions can only be answered by the empty thoughts of my racing mind which I can not begin to control. Hope seems beyond grasp and my arms are too tired to reach out for it. Two words.
Do I need help? Can I manage to dig myself out of this pit I am wallowing in? I can't answer that question right now, not the way I feel. How far do I have to drop before it gets too far to come back from? The scan was shit, the contrast was worse. I pine for the days before all of this was necessary. I am left constantly searching for something to fill that void now. Looking for more. Mingling pain with hope for rest that never seems to come. Asleep at the wheel down my road of life.
when julie was going through chemo and radiation she got to a point where she just gave up it was too much for her and she stopped trying and i was really mad at her for doing that i didn't understand how she could not want to keep going right now i understand the inclination because i am tired and i want all this crap to be over in one way or another i am ready to move on whatever that direction is and soon and i have to find someone who will show me some compassion are you there
i was trying to figure out how much promethazine it would take to stop my pain and i started thinking about what happens to you when you have the ability to save someone's life and you don't you just stand aside and let everything run its course as though you never existed that later in your life you start to believe that because you didn't do something then you somehow have exempted yourself from being part of a world that is allowed to live now as if that was the moment you decided whether or not life was worth it
I languish beneath the too hot water hoping the scalding downpour will wash or burn away these thoughts that consume every waking moment. When I finally shut off the faucet and sweep back the curtain they condense again in my mind like the steam on the mirror. That ghost will fade soon enough but my own continues on. Hourly you appear, beckoning my company, promising sweet, silent oblivion. I am quickly growing too weak to resist your advances. It is hard to know, at this moment, when I will be joining you. I need a reason to resist your advances.
when the promethazine finally kicks in i seem to have found what i was looking for i can't feel my arm and legs i can't hear anything my eyes are so heavy that i struggle to keep them open i'm dead on the outside and soon it will be the same on the inside for several hours the coma like sleep bringing so much needed relief that i'm not even groggy in the afternoon but when i wake it takes almost an hour to shake off the effects of the night i can't manage to make any progress until then
I am numb and floating. I can feel virtually nothing except for the nasty little thoughts bouncing around my mind and the familiar pain in my skull that will be finally found out tomorrow. The confining pinging clanking tube that probes the gray matter with ultra strong magnetic forces holds my life in the balance. Meanwhile, I toss and turn and sweat and fret struggling to get to sleep so I can be strong and lucid for the coming challenge. My fear now is stronger than that it was in March. This is more urgent, more present, possibly more fatal.
This is what I am concerning myself with right now. Arteriovenous Malformations are one possibility of what has been causing me so much pain and could be the reason I had to have the MRI today. There has been no diagnosis yet and I am sure that some people might say that I am jumping the gun but it is giving me something to do. It gives me something to focus on and puts me one step closer to being prepared when I do find out exactly what the problem is. If I didn't do this I would be crashing.
Everything is quiet tonight, the sky is almost completely clear and there is a wonderful cool breeze from the beach. It looks like Mars is shining bright over there, our intriguing little red neighbor. What secrets are you hiding up there? Can you tell me why my head is screaming at me? Can you explain to me why I feel so powerless over everything in my life? I know there has to be some hope somewhere but I am not sure where to find it. All I can do is stare up at you and steel myself for the fight.
It starts in the back of my neck as a dull throb, a thick ache and moves into the back of my skull, a piercing, pounding, squeezing pain pushing at my skull, scraping to get out.
It starts behind my eyes, maybe either, sometimes both, a sharp, gouging, pulse alive in my temples, plodding across my forehead, seizing my brain, blanking thoughts, burning memory.
My ears scream a dizzy, crazy, ringing notes, my vision blurs, limbs grow weak and my stomach churns out bile burned vomit.
Whether humbled over the toilet or balled up fetal I am human craving liberation.
The first no bull truth is nothing is ever what you think it is. The second no bull truth is you can not trust anyone, not even yourself. Never ever anticipate anything; never expect an outcome of any situation to be anything. Wait, watch and deal with everything as it happens. Do not plan, do not hope, do not dream, because every time you do and things turn out differently, a piece of you dies. If you do that for long enough there is no way you can survive. Everything will crush you and defeat you and you will expire.
How can I continue to hurt myself hoping that things are ever going to be any different than what they are? How is it possible that I have been so completely wrong at every turn? It's going to be a while before I can trust anyone again; what's more, it's going to be a while before I can trust myself again. This is more disappointment than I have felt is years and I don't know how I can live with that. I'm left aching for something I feel I have lost, for something that was never there to begin with.
When I finally fall to the mattress, I am empty. There is no company in the turbulent night and the tears form too quickly. Sleep pounds me, driving me further into the darkness. When the sun finally rises, my head is screaming at me, trying to convince me to come up with some relief. I am cracking open, spilling onto the pillow, staining the mattress through the sheet. I am becoming one with the infinite for a brief time. I don't know which direction the world is spinning, it feels like it is going backwards but I am laying still.
Open yourself up to me. Let me crawl inside to that soft safe center I know exists somewhere under the hard harsh shell. Let me touch you and hold you and make you feel safe. Let me feel you shelter me in return. I need to wake up and find that this has been a dream instead of the nightmare that I have been living. Out here, nothing is still and silent, there are no lullabies, only nails on chalk boards, escaping my throat in the night. I want to feel something protecting me, holding me back form the edge.
It is amazing how I can feel the tension in the air, even when we're not even in the same room. This has been going on for way too long and I am searching for a remedy. I am certain that there is one but I am also certain that I don't hold all the answers. You must help me, you must help yourself, you must help us if there is to be any chance of things getting better. I can't do it alone and I don't want to give up. I will try until I can't try any more.
I'm here and it is quiet for now. Soon the storm will be raging outside just like it has been in me for some time now. I have now way of knowing if it will be as destructive, I can only hope, for everyone's sake, that it is not. There is no way I can wish this kind of rage on anyone no matter who they are and what their possible crimes may be. I can only punish myself; I am the only being in my jurisdiction. So please beware the winds and rain from outside and keep yourself well.
Are we done? Do we just go back to being what we were before we met? I can't believe that to be possible. I am not the same person I was then. It is not possible for me to go back and what's more, I don't want that. What I really want is to know why it has become the way it is. I don't understand it and I am having a hard time accepting it. So please tell me what your side of this is because I will not be able to figure my side out until I know.
Maybe I would be better off if I didn't ever leave here. This beach is so peaceful at dusk, the pelicans all returning to their nightly roosts. I could bury myself in the sand and stay here forever. The next time Isabel's brother or sister comes by I would be washed out to sea. I just want to sit here and feel the breeze and ocean spray on my face for a few more minutes before I have to go. I could find some peace here; I could find some freedom here. I will close my eyes and drift away.
"No power! No gas!" the sign declares. So, I have to backtrack fifteen miles to wait in line for twenty minutes because I don't know what I will find when I get home. The highway was open but I could see where it had been blocked. There won't be any shortage of fire wood this winter. I saw a convoy of trucks from Florida coming to help with tree removal and power crews from Georgia attempting to restore service. Everyone is willing to help everyone else no matter who they are. It helps restore faith in the kindness of strangers.
When my eye starts twitching I know it is only a small matter of time before my head explodes into a screaming shower of sparks. For brief periods, an hour or less, I struggle to resemble something human. Once it passes, all I want to do is sleep, close the door, extinguish the burning light, shut out all the sound and slip away into a restless coma. Whatever is going on inside my head, the Zithromax does not seem to have helped. Maybe I need to give it more time, or maybe the infection is more than it could handle.
I suddenly find myself behind the wheel barreling down the road at top speed. It's a dangerous place for me to be right now. I have no guarantee that I am going to arrive safely at my destination, not in this state, not in this frame of mind. I am having some difficulty keeping everything straight as the tears stream down my face. I am broken and it is going to take an immense amount of healing to pull me back from this brink. I long to be home, in the dark, on the couch. No more tree hunting tonight.
As I lie here, not sleeping, I am imagining the life going out of your eyes. I can not be sure when it happened but I know that at some point it did. I haven't thought about it for years but now, for some reason, I am haunted. You fucking asshole, how dare you come back now and force me to feel something. You were gone, you are gone and yet you float through my mind. I hate you and I refuse to let you make me hate myself because we were nothing alike and that pulls me too close.
Whoever decided that the laxative should be Ginger and Lemon flavored should have peanut butter and honey spread on their genitals and tied to a fire ant hill. That shit is nasty, but I suppose it is very effective considering I've spent the whole night on the can. Hopefully this will be the worst part. I'm actually looking forward to the sedative tomorrow. I can't wait for the warm numbing sensation to flow into my veins and eclipse the rest of the world. Then a nice deep sleep through the afternoon. That's all I want to do anymore these days.
Now that wasn't so bad. The worst part was the hunger and all the air they pumped into me. You'd think there would be some kind of bleeder valve so there wouldn't be so much discomfort afterward. It's a good thing I had the injection. It was just what the doctor ordered. Actually, it was the doctor that did the injection. The afternoon was what I had hoped for too. I slept so well that I am not even very tired right now. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. I am looking forward to another visit with the sandman.
I went to the beach to die. I sat in the ocean front room and stared at the sand until the sun went down. After dark, I opened the room up to the stiff breeze off the water and started on the vodka. It didn't take long to find the courage so I ventured out to the boardwalk to see if I could find the magic piece. I never made it past the first bench I came to. I sat and watched the people until the world started spinning. I woke to a stray licking my hand. I went home.
This stuff sucks, it is all adding up. More fucking medication that has annoying side effects I am tired of all of it. I seem to be saying that a lot lately and I am even getting tired of being tired of it. Today hasn't been such a good day. I have been sitting here staring blankly at the television for hours on end except for when I was struggling to sleep on the couch. My head has been pounding and my eyes have been burning through tears. When will this all finally end? When will I find some peace?
Shadows and dust, that is all I am, all I will ever be. I am blown away by the wind, tethered to nothing substantial. I float through the world, wraithlike, ethereal, rising to nothing. When the sun disappears, I fade away, taken by the soft breeze at dusk.
Tons of pig iron strain my joints, pull at my limbs and rip my body apart. I have lost the will to struggle against it, I am heavy with my own self loathing. I feel no desire to stop it from dragging me under, I have lost the will to stop it.
When I'm playing this game I can focus on something, it takes up my concentration and helps me forget other things. It is just a simple game, matching blocks of colors and clearing rows of hexagons for points. The mindless action is a delicious distraction. I turn this piece and they explode. I turn that one and match up the stars and they explode taking even more pieces with them. Pow and pow and pow, there go some more pieces, my score goes up and I smile. It's a simple little thing, nothing much, but it takes up the time.
This hasn't been a very good start but I am hopeful that it will get better. I need sleep and I need food. Maybe I will be able to get at least one of those and what would be even better is if I could get both of those. I just want some chicken soup or something and then some uninterrupted sleep. That might go a long way towards making a good day tomorrow. I could use a good day, they have been few and far between lately. I am going to head for bed. No tossing and turning please.
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