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BY Natasha

01/01 Direct Link
So, I've come crawling back to this site, realizing that I've never been as creative as when I wrote these entries. With this realization also comes the realization that I can't remove any of my other entries from the site—should have read the fine print, I guess. I don't mind so much that they're up, but it is—not embarrassing so much but strange, strange to look back and see that all of my pathology is still up. Luckily I've grown up a bit since then. I'm not such a liar anymore, and I certainly try to refrain from personal whining.
01/02 Direct Link
Listening to Johnny Cash. Missing college. "That's the thing about me, I don't need to be with you all the time, but I need to know what you're doing at all times."Have I slipped further away from this sanity thing? Lyn Hejinian type of consciousness. On New Year's, I drank too much, made out in an alleyway, vomited when I got home, drunkdialed someone I shouldn't have, woke up the next morning with bruises covering my thighs. Fiona Apple is the voice of my generation, or, I want her to be, which is just the same.

I miss you.

01/03 Direct Link
Dear C,

Wow. I am perplexed as to how someone can be so large a douche—it almost seems comical. As if you aren't a real person at all, but a caricature of a person who is supposed to be a huge asshole. Even your voice is assholish!

Your roommate was kind enough to tell me all the things you used to say about me, just a few being: your ex being prettier, you not liking my chin (what the fuck?), and wanting to bang me in different positions. These things were all lovely nails in the coffin.

Sincerely,
Me!

01/04 Direct Link
I'm going to join a nunnery, and when I die, the nuns can eat my body.

Well. I choose loneliness over heartbreak for my life at this point. That place in my life my best friend warned me about—where all of my past finally jaded me, took away that gullible blindness? Here it is. And the scary part is I don't mind it. I don't mind it at all.

Why now? Why now, as I start my second half of freshman year of college? Shouldn't I just be so ecstatic? But, I've been used, and hey—that hurts a bit.

01/05 Direct Link
When we started, we started so magically. I watched traffic come and go, you pulled me across streets safely. We aimlessly traveled to the Kennedy Center in the rain. You kissed me there, and in a small grove of trees, and underneath the Watergate Hotel. You gave me my first hickey. You promised me we'd be together in the snow. You made me cry in a good way that first morning after, and in a bad way from then on out.

And we stood, we two lazy eddies of a strongly moving current, swirling around. We were flummoxed by possibility.

01/06 Direct Link
Everything else is just a bore,

i'm going crazy,

i feel so detached some hours and then so connected the next few. i feel like i'm losing my mind and not gaining anything for it, at least maybe i should sell it and make a profit

ok crazyness! do you see it? sometimes i just start crying and don't know why. sometimes i just start laughing and can't stop. either way something is going terribly wrong and i do not know how to stop it.

i cannot let this thing break my life, break me, and yet i can't move,

01/07 Direct Link
It makes me sick to think of you with different girls, in different places, in different positions. I can always see you—your face is always so painfully sharp. It's always racked with ecstasy, it's always so much happier than it was with me. The girls are all different, but they all have one thing in common—they're prettier than me. Even though their faces are blurry and they are usually bent in some contorted way—I know they're prettier.

I don't conjure these images, you know. I wake up with them already in my mind, and then I am nauseated.

01/08 Direct Link
I don't think it's wrong that I want to retract into myself, and be alone for a while. I think it's normal—I don't think it's unhealthy to shut down for right now. The thing is, I want everyone else to be alone, too. I don't want to be reminded that I'm alone, because then it will never hurt.

So I want my roommates to break up with their boyfriends, and I don't want anyone around me to hunt for or even think about romance. Let's all just pursue intellectual studies and get drunk a lot until I'm ready again.

01/09 Direct Link
"talking to you is like hitting myself in the head repeatedly with a hammer.-

You know that moment that makes you realize someone is a huge tool? And you laugh to yourself because otherwise you'd cry over the fact that you could have cared about someone who is that much of a pretentious asshole? And then you're just relieved that you never have to see them again, and they are very easily cut out of your life, and thank God?

That moment came to me in the form of a five-minute voice mail about the state of his computer connection.

01/10 Direct Link
I went to the city to see a former English teacher's son's band play. I went with my tragically hip indie girl friend and her mother, who is charming and flighty. We were driving through Manhattan, talking about shoes vs. salt, ninjas vs. pirates, and the kind of children's book we'd write.

It was very nice. I was reminded that there is life outside of relationships. I am gullible, insecure, more than a little crazy, lacking in common sense, histrionic, easily excitable, incredibly undateable. But guess what? I'll never be yours again. And that's something I get to take with me.

01/11 Direct Link
so I wounded his poor little ego, and he tries to prove to me that he can carry on a conversation by talking to me for 3 hours. ridiculous. who are you trying to impress? me or you?

What a stupid question. The answer is always you.

we can dance around this as much as you want— we're both coming back to GWU this weekend. what will you do then? pretend to want to see me?

bebe, I got you a Nazi hat for Christmas, and you deserve it. you can come get it, and then...I really don't know.

01/12 Direct Link
Thunderstorm. What do I think? Well I think that sometimes when I'm scared, I miss you. When I'm scared I'll be alone, I miss you. When it's suddenly loud, like now, outside in this storm, I miss you. And I can deal with that because being scared is temporary and passes, and so I know that this "missing you"too shall pass.

But sometimes I miss you when I'm happy. Sometimes I laugh at something and I reach for you to show you, to tell you, to share it. And I miss you then. And that scares me the most.

01/13 Direct Link
So no one wants to hear that once again, I feel uncreative and without merit. I haven't written in a very long time, and worse, the quick little phrases and thoughts that come to me randomly, that make up my usual writing, haven't been coming.

I never even had a muse before this year. I did so well without a muse. I just wrote, whether or not I knew anything about what I was writing. And it seemed to work out. But once I got a muse and then it was taken away, it seems it took my writing too.

01/14 Direct Link
Tomorrow I'll be back at college. Tomorrow I'll be back in the insta-peer group that is my dorm, that are my classes, that is my campus.

[Lightning flash. These storms this past week have been insistent, persistent. Almost like my favorite, those lovely summer storms, but these are...colder. meaner. ruthless.]

I want guarantees. I want it in stone that I'll be okay when I go back. I want my plans made. I want to know I won't have to think about him if I don't have to.

[What is that literary term for when the weather reflects the protagonist's mood?]

01/15 Direct Link
I feel sick. All the strength that I thought I had yesterday is gone. Maybe it's the stress of coming back to both my roommates having boyfriends, or maybe it's just me not being over him, but I chose to freak out the first night back. Why?

He wasn't online, and his ex-fuck buddy wasn't online either. All I could think of was him rushing back to her, and them hooking up, and I've been up all night and into daylight hours. No matter how many excuses my brain provides, my stomach is retching, and that's never a good sign.

01/16 Direct Link
Quiet. It's not like they will hear—no, not like that at all—I'd just like some quiet. Peace. Sssshh. Who will hear us? No one's listening, remember? Just...stay quiet. If you lie still enough, maybe you can calm this queasy feeling I have. Maybe you can make me more at ease, just by your silence.

That poem, by Neruda. Me gusta cuando callas. Is it about the peaceful nature of a strong relationship, or the crumbling walls of an ending one? Interpretation this, interpretation that. You could give me a definitive answer and then I'd know where you were coming from.

01/17 Direct Link
I felt like an idiot today, running around hectically, trying to fit a 5th class in my schedule somewhere, avoiding the rain (badly). The worst I felt was after Critical Methods (literary theory), a class required of all English majors.

I literally understood not one word that came out of the professor's mouth. I was absolutely astonished by what seemed to be a foreign language issuing forth, and the fact that the rest of the class seemed to understand what he was saying. It was awful. I felt like I knew nothing, like my knowledge had been taken from me.

01/18 Direct Link
I haven't felt this disillusioned since the time I first ate a coconut, something I had created an entire mythology around because I'd just read a survivalist book extolling coconuts. The coconut disgusted me. I never trusted anyone again. Like the time in third grade I heard we had a school psychiatrist, and I wanted so badly to see him that I made up some psychotic breakdown in class one day. He was just a middle-aged man with black pants and brown loafers. Even then I knew he didn't match. Even then I knew he was a letdown— normal, safe.
01/19 Direct Link
January is always so bleak. It's always so depressing, and so cold, and so miserable. And I always think that each January is as bad as it is because of extenuating circumstances, individually so. I've finally had to realize that it is January that makes things bad, not things that make January bad. In light of all this evidence that January is the reason for my misery, I propose that we just do away with the whole month. We can get along just fine with only 11 months and I'm sure we will all be a lot happier for it.
01/20 Direct Link
I am a big girl. I tie my own shoelaces and everything. When I say that I want to leave, I want to leave. When I say that I can walk home alone, I can walk home alone. I know that a group of guys feels they have control over girls, especially when it's 4 guys and only one girl. But I don't appreciate being physically restrained by you guys when I want to go. Not only do I not appreciate that, I don't appreciate then being ignored on the way home. I can take care of my goddamn self.
01/21 Direct Link
YOU. You drive me batshit insane. You string me along. You toy with my heart and my mind everytime you look at me with those dark eyes and that wry smile. You offer me your jacket and it ruins hours of me getting over you. You brush against me in the movie theater and I can smell your cologne mixed with your spearmint gum, and it undoes me. You are happy because I got you a present you wanted, and I am happy because I have made you happy. You kiss me, and. I can't do anything to resist you.
01/22 Direct Link
If you are not happy,

I could—I will—never mind.
I can't do anything to make you happy.
You spit in my mouth;

You string me along.

I will take you outside in the summer rain
And I will lead you into indecision.
I will perform a masquerade;
I always twirl and turn for you.
And you will kiss me somewhere underground.

You promised me snow.

It's worse that I can speak to you just the same way
As I used to.
Nothing's changed—
Except now you feel tense when you look over at me

and I am not smiling.

01/23 Direct Link
Umm, men. Can you fix yourselves? You either have too many feelings or not enough! What the fuck. We've been friends for going on 6 months now, and all of a sudden you have a lot on your mind and need to talk to me? And then the TALK. the dreaded "I have feelings for you"TALK. Those talks are awkward for everyone involved. You know I feel incredibly bad about it, but I don't feel that way about you blah blah clichÃÆ'© fishcakes. I am so apathetic toward being with anyone right now, it's a little ridiculous. And boring.
01/24 Direct Link
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through

listening to cheesy bryan adams music and i'm just not over you. my best friend is annoyed at me and my roommates are bored of the drama and frankly so am i.

if you're feeling lonely don't, you're the only one i ever want

is it so much to ask that you feel that way about me? all i can think of is how am I going to find anyone else with your sense of humor, with your pale cracked-out demeanor, with your intelligence and elitism and i'm driving myself crazy still,

01/25 Direct Link
i want so badly to believe that one day you will wake up and miss me, one day you will realize how much you loved me all along, clichÃÆ'©

i am missing you, i am thinking of so many ways to ignore you or talk to you or be with you and i know you're not thinking anything like it. but you do have feelings for me, right? i didn't imagine that—i'm not imagining it now. right? where are you. oh you're right online. i convinced myself you weren't with her and then just as easily i convinced myself you were.

01/26 Direct Link
Today on the DC Metro, I was foolishly leaning against the doors of the subway. They of course opened and I lost my balance. When I regained it, I looked around quickly to make sure I hadn't been seen. I of course had been, by the handsome guy across from me. He laughed, a full laugh, his eyes sparkling. I don't usually like blue eyes, but I liked his. He said, wryly, "Don't lean against the doors! You were caught unawares."I smiled and thanked him, and secretly I thought that I could absolutely fall in love with him.
01/27 Direct Link

Observations from the Metro:

There is nothing more beautiful than a woman smiling to herself, especially if she looks around at you while smiling and you get the forceful effect of someone else's happiness.

The man who gives up his seat to someone else is an example of true altruism, and I don't care what psychology says about there being no such thing.

The guys that panhandle know what they're doing, and they're not fooled when you pretend to be asleep.

Someone who is short and breathing directly on one's hand through all of her exhalations is utterly and completely gross.

01/28 Direct Link
worst fears? realized. along with some new knowledge of her biting nipples, and shoulders, and 3-inch gashes down the side of his neck. wtf. that is seriously not fucking normal. clearly they're meant for each other.

i hate that i was right all along, but now there is a possibility for moving on. because i may be able to get past some weird insanities like being an asshole or not having emotions or even being schizophrenic. but i can't get over you being with another girl. that just ends things. i guess that's sad. right now i just feel sick.

01/29 Direct Link
Remember a month ago, when I said that I would eventually get some sort of closure, one way or another? and after that I wouldn't want anything to do with you? This is it. Doubtless, you don't actually care, considering you have your work and your whore and your vodka and the voices in your head to keep you company.

OK. Best of luck. I regret having met you, and that I guess is the most frustrating part of this whole long thing. Feel free to answer this however you wish to, or just ignore it. You're good at that.

01/30 Direct Link
Today—the kind of weather that makes you excited to be outside, because you know and feel something that people indoors do not. Do I feel better or worse knowing she's a whore? Do I want to let myself think that they have actual feelings for each other?

No, I don't. It's better to think they're simply using each other for sex whilst drunk. It fits with their personalities; it lets me be repulsed by them.

I saw her—a good stalking endeavor. She's mousy, pale—has a little boy figure. If he prefers her, he prefers her. What can I do.

01/31 Direct Link
January concludes with a definitive ending. I have put my foot down and separated myself out of the cycle of heartbreak that has been turning since September. What I was doing was never allowing myself to heal. I continued to pile on hurt after hurt, pushing new ones on top of old ones and crying about all of them all at the same time. And that would have broken me eventually, because how can one person stand up under all that pain? So with a little push, I just...ended things. I ended them and I'm okay with being alone...for now.