BY Natasha

06/01 Direct Link
The decision was made. I am to go along with my entries until I run out of things to say. And hopefully that won't happen—because people without words are no better than the trash that litters the driveways of Staten Island, no better than the hopelessly catatonic people like Terri Schiavo who are gone forever.

I asked my boyfriend today if he ever felt bad, being older than me.
He said, "I only feel bad if you want me to."

I suppose it's a testament to our relationship—we've only been going out a week and I love him.

06/02 Direct Link
What the fuck was that last entry? I love him? Damn, I am glad Tom doesn't read these entries. There's something with him I can't deny, something more than physical (by the way, we haven't done it yet, which is a real accomplishment for me, thanks), but I can't quite put the finger on it. I want to say love, but I also don't want to shoot my feminine word wad all over him and spoil the euphoria we have right now.

Also, if he read these he would know about Josh. I don't think he would like that.

06/03 Direct Link
Today I'm lying with Tom outside and he's doing that Ben Affleck in Armageddon thing, where Ben4 runs animal crackers up and down Liv Tyler's body, except Tom's doing it with his hands. His hands…are powerful. They are big, one of them wraps around my forearm with no problem. His hands are definitely one of his more beautiful attributes. If I could draw, I would draw them. One of them on my back, on any part of my body, sends shivers through my body. Clichéd, but it's electric. With his hand, he could send me flying…but he just touches so softly.
06/04 Direct Link
I keep spending all my time with Tom. Josh is getting annoyed, and jealous, because he doesn't know about Tom and Tom doesn't know about Josh and thank God, but…Josh has orals to attend to. He has to conduct all the oral examinations in class, and I'm next and I know both of us are absolutely dreading it. First, because I'm bad at Spanish, and second, because it's been tense. We haven't had relations since…oh I don't know, May 17th? And he's tense and I'm tense.

What can I do? Josh is not my priority anymore. But he keeps calling…

06/05 Direct Link
Today I might have been a little meaner to some people than I would have liked. It's what I'm known for, I guess, but I can't tell where I cross the line. I don't even want there to be a line. I want to be able to say what I want, dammit.

So I asked Tom, "Do you think I hate people?" And he said, "Absolutely not. You love people, Natasha. You love the idea of people. You just hate them individually, because no one can ever measure up to your expectation of how wonderful people are in your mind."

06/06 Direct Link
Ronald Reagan died yesterday afternoon. He was 93 years old, and he died of complications from Alzheimer's.

More than anyone else, he was my hero. He was my guiding light, my beacon, my foundation for all that I believe and know. His charm, his spirit, shone through his smile and his words and reached me. His legacy has touched my life and has given me a safe America.

I am proud to be an American because of you, Mr. Reagan. Thank you. You have done so much for all of us. You have been and will be in my thoughts.

06/07 Direct Link
My problem is that I can't say no to men. I don't know how I ever thought I was bisexual, because I can shut a girl down faster than anything. But if a man possesses one ounce of charisma in his whole body, I am melting and I surrender quicker than fuck-all. Tom and Joshua are both such men. Tom uses his for good; Joshua for evil.

So that's how I found myself at Josh's house again, having sex with him, again…but this time I watched him. I watched his face, and imagined it transposing my face with his wife's.

06/08 Direct Link
I need to tell Tom about Joshua. Our relationship has progressed to the point (about three weeks now, I can't keep track of time or anniversaries though) where he deserves to know this isn't exclusive, as much as I want it to be.

Something about Josh sucks me back in every time. When I am with Tom, all I can feel is Josh's lust and sweat on me, like he has stained me. Like I am his. And all I kept thinking was that Tom would somehow know it just from my face. And I still feel like I'm Josh's.

06/09 Direct Link
I need to tell Tom about Joshua. Our relationship has progressed to the point (about three weeks now, I can't keep track of time or anniversaries though) where he deserves to know this isn't exclusive, as much as I want it to be.

Something about Josh sucks me back in every time. When I am with Tom, all I can feel was Josh's lust and sweat on me, like he has made his mark. Like I was his. All I kept thinking was that Tom would somehow know it just from my face. And I still feel like I'm Josh's.

06/10 Direct Link
I saw Reagan today. Went down to D.C., all the way from NY, to see him off. I got on line around 11, and I got into see him at 3:30. It was a little crazy. Volunteers were passing out water to people in line. I was so proud of our country.

His coffin in the Rotunda was such an overpowering sight. The guards stood stiff, at attention. I waited 4 and a half hours for 2 minutes but it was worth it. I was overcome and I cried. I don't know for who. Probably for me and my hero.

06/11 Direct Link
I can't bring myself to do it. Three people know about me and Josh—me, Josh, and my best friend, Cyndy. She knows because otherwise I would go crazy, but I can't tell anyone. I cannot tell Tom. Tom knows my sexual past has been weird, but he doesn't know that it follows me into my sexual present.

I want him to believe he's redeemed me, because he really has. It's just that I couldn't escape Joshua with an Uzi and a pickup truck. And he can't escape me either. We are bound to each other, with something too strong.

06/12 Direct Link
My entries this June have been more about people than school because basically school is over for me…and people mean more to me now that I have school out of the way.

Thankfully, in about 3 days, I will be free of Joshua. I will not see him this summer, he lives a good 20 minutes away from me. Tom lives much closer. I will see Tom every day except the ones I will be in Europe. Tom does not, will never know about Joshua because he doesn't need to. It's over, and finally I can have a normal relationship.

06/13 Direct Link
A guy was online today that I've wanted to say something to ever since he graduated. I sent him this IM, word for word:

Hello, Cary. I am sorry if I ever hurt you. I know that you liked me and I may have liked you too, but last year I was so royally fucked up that I could not have been normal if you injected me with normal serum. I am so so sorry. I never meant to brush you off or make you feel like you weren't important.

A couple of seconds went by. Then he signed off.

06/14 Direct Link
When things are going too well for me, I get frightened. It's strange. I can't concentrate—right now, it feels like I'm emerged in a world that isn't my own. I'm going through the motions but none of it's real. It can't be real because things don't go well for me, especially relationships.

Can things be going too well? Is that even possible? I just want to shift backward into his arms once without analyzing the way he accepts me. I don't want to think about every word he's ever said to me in fear it might be hiding something…malicious.

06/15 Direct Link
Oh, God. It's all so fucking real, isn't it? Everything comes down to being real. Life isn't sugar, and sweetness, and cupcakes. Life is gritty, and in your face, and a pervert that you would walk to the other side of the street because of.

Josh quit today. I'm moving to Vermont with my wife, he told us as he passed out the final. Angie told me before class otherwise I would have fainted. Instead I just watched him as he walked by me time and time again. We didn't say anything to each other. Well, honestly, how could we?

06/16 Direct Link
Josh found me to explain. "I don't like Long Island. I hate its money mentality."

I wanted to kill him at that moment, not ha-ha "I'll kill you" thing, but really, brutally kill him. Tom's upset because this is all I've talked about and I'm ignoring him even as Josh talks, because Tom called my cell-phone.

I don't care. My Josh is leaving me…my totally inappropriate relationship is ending. Josh said, It's not you. She might suspect, but she doesn't know. Don't worry. I love you.

He loves me? How dare he say that to me.
....I love him, too.

06/17 Direct Link
Bad things happen every minute of every day. Look at the clock, faithful readers. For every minute that goes by, imagine everything from the wallets lost to the hearts broken, the women raped or beaten, the lives taken unjustly and prematurely.

It's not a great way to pass the time, and one that will give you a headache quickly. Surefire way to get on the depression train, too.

Bad things happen. John Doe gets mauled by dog. Sara Jane has a heart attack and abruptly dies. He's leaving me and I'm reminded of it whenever I look at the clock.

06/18 Direct Link
School's out…to celebrate I went into my room and cried. I'm so glad that with summer comes fantastic emotions.

I feel alone. I mean, if being deserted isn't the kind of thing people write about, what is? It's perfect for angst, and suffering. God, this all feels so…personal. I know I could pick up the phone as Tom worriedly calls my home, my cell, and is repeatedly ignored.

I forget that only last year, I was terribly suicidal. I totally thought dying was a great way to leave. When it comes back full force after my "good periods", it hurts.

06/19 Direct Link
[As she squeezed the soap out, she looked at the shape it formed in her palm. It was a perfect little heart, pristine and rotund. It scared her. She would never come out like that…she was a product of a bad tube, one filled with inconsistencies and deformities that would make her shape strange.

She pushed her palms together and rubbed. She lathered, then washed. She walked out into the living room and like clockwork, he had arrived home at five of six. His eyes turned to glance at her, then past her. She slid by him to the kitchen.]

06/20 Direct Link
I need to get over this. So what Josh is leaving. I have a boyfriend, someone expressly designated to be my helper, my romance. I love Tom, I don't—I can't possibly—love Josh. It's wrong, and it's weird, and it's taboo…etc.

I just realized that this is stupid. What I'm doing is I'm writing that I'm over him.

I doubt that's true. But if putting it in words, at least, will make it real, then good. This is not going to take over my life, like Titanic did when it came out and I saw it a million times.

06/21 Direct Link
I was sleeping with my eyes open when Tom picked me up today. He had to beep to get my attention. And when I came to, he was looking at me with that amused expression he has…but this time it was full of something I hadn't seen before…it was full of love. I thought I saw love a couple of times before, but I was dead wrong. That was lust, or attraction, or just good feelings.

What Tom had on his face was something inside him too, and it was shining full force at me. And that felt really good.

06/22 Direct Link
I felt this urgent need to see Josh again, so I took Angie with me to see him at school. We stopped by for lunch with him. To an extent, I loved making him feel uncomfortable at sharing what should have been our time with someone else.

He clearly had to adjust, had to watch his words while talking to me, rethink them so that they would include both me and Angie. Even so, he paid much more attention to me, and, well, why shouldn't he? Angie didn't bang him, for chrissake. She's very intelligent. She definitely saw something there.

06/23 Direct Link
Today was a stay at home day. Generally, I like these very much. I have the chance to sit down, evaluate myself, think, and then watch loads of TV.

Internet, TV, music, video games…I felt like a normal kid again. I went and got ice cream from the ice cream man, who gave me a little perk of free Airheads. I watched Last Comic Standing, which made me laugh. My Playstation2 wasn't working so I couldn't play Harry Potter, which annoyed me. I checked it for the problem.

Too much dust in the system.

No, that was not a metaphor.

06/24 Direct Link
So far, I've gotten three college applications by mail. Harvard, Dartmouth, and Colgate. It's frightening me. Holding them in my hands gives me a certain kind of relaxation, but thinking about the ridiculous amount of paperwork to fill out come this September sends shivers down my spine.

Georgetown is my first choice, even though it's not an Ivy and I realize that if I can go to an Ivy, I probably should. NYC is amazing, and I would thank my lucky stars to get into Columbia. Something about the openness and cultural aspects of Georgetown just gets to me, though.

06/25 Direct Link
For today, just links I like:

Okay, it's all counting these as one word each so I'm going to have to say something of import…because I could post 100 links but wow, all that < br> html would hurt my head.

My favorite link has to be Not only is it a great conglomeration of funny in the universe, it has these fantastic forums. If you sign up, you will likely get a taste of STFU, NFSW, tubgirl, goatse, and if a girl, "show us your tits".

06/26 Direct Link
What is it with me and older men? When it comes to guys my own age, they have no interest in me and I rarely have an interest in them. I like older men. My boyfriend is an older guy, he's 21.

My stepdad's best friend from Texas showed up for stepdad's birthday today. He was really cute years ago when I was 11. Now he's chubby and excessively hitting on me. At first I thought I was reading too much into it.

When he asked for hugs that went on too long every other minute, I got the idea.

06/27 Direct Link
I struggle very hard to be funny, even when I'm feeling like shit. I always want to make people laugh.

Not laugh in that sissy sort of way, at stupid jokes that anyone could tell.

I want them to laugh in a really awkward way, wondering to themselves if they should be laughing but not being able to help it. I want to get to the very quick of their beings with my wit. They should shake their heads a little bit after they finish laughing, then glance at me to see if I'm looking back.

Laugh at me, world!

06/28 Direct Link

This is the first sentence. Hope you like seconds, because THIS IS ONE. Hey, here comes a third! Start the post with this fourth sentence and colon:

Expression of discontent at upcoming senior year.
Statement of belief that said senior year will "bite the big one".

Indignation at not having a good schedule.
Further indignation at mother for thinking that she can control senior schedule.

Wish to shut her up.
Wish to sneak behind her back and do something terrible, like always.

Extreme desire to be away from all of it.
Realization of that cliché.


06/29 Direct Link
I'm tired, I can't move, I don't want to see Tom, I'm angry with Josh, my mother, other people…

I can't do anything about it, obviously.

I went shopping today, for my Italy trip. I reinvented my personality with clothing. I had my mother spend far too much money on me. I felt good, for a while.

I liked my report card. I liked watching TV, though Jon Stewart angered me. He usually makes me feel better, so I yelled at him. Lots of buzzing in my mind…for the first time in my life I don't want to fight anymore.

06/30 Direct Link
I loved Spiderman 2 so much I didn't want to end. I was sitting there, crazily enjoying it, it was exhilarating…the whole time I kept thinking, don't end. Don't end.

It ended. After a while though, and three bathroom trips from me. Tom thought that was spectacularly funny.

Everything ends. These entries end now, today. I am relieved and discomfited, as I was at the end of May. There will be no July or August entries…I'll be on vacation, and won't have computer access.

This has been a turbulent month. It's easy to say I'll keep trekking…so I'll say that.