I asked my boyfriend today if he ever felt bad, being older than me. He said, "I only feel bad if you want me
I suppose it's a testament to our relationship—we've only been going out a week and I love him.
Also, if he read these he would know about Josh. I don't think he would like that.
What can I do? Josh is not my priority anymore. But he keeps calling…
So I asked Tom, "Do you think I hate people?"
And he said, "Absolutely not. You love people, Natasha. You love the idea of people. You just hate them
individually, because no one can ever measure up to your expectation of how wonderful people are in your
More than anyone else, he was my hero. He was my guiding light, my beacon, my foundation for all that I
believe and know. His charm, his spirit, shone through his smile and his words and reached me. His legacy has
touched my life and has given me a safe America.
I am proud to be an American because of you, Mr. Reagan. Thank you. You have done so much for all of us.
You have been and will be in my thoughts.
So that's how I found myself at Josh's house again, having sex with him, again…but this time I watched him. I
watched his face, and imagined it transposing my face with his wife's.
Something about Josh sucks me back in every time. When I am with Tom, all I can feel is Josh's lust and sweat
on me, like he has stained me. Like I am his. And all I kept thinking was that Tom would somehow know it just
from my face. And I still feel like I'm Josh's.
Something about Josh sucks me back in every time. When I am with Tom, all I can feel was Josh's lust and
sweat on me, like he has made his mark. Like I was his. All I kept thinking was that Tom would somehow know
it just from my face. And I still feel like I'm Josh's.
His coffin in the Rotunda was such an overpowering sight. The guards stood stiff, at attention. I waited 4 and a
half hours for 2 minutes but it was worth it. I was overcome and I cried. I don't know for who. Probably for me
and my hero.
I want him to believe he's redeemed me, because he really has. It's just that I couldn't escape Joshua with an
Uzi and a pickup truck. And he can't escape me either. We are bound to each other, with something too strong.
Thankfully, in about 3 days, I will be free of Joshua. I will not see him this summer, he lives a good 20 minutes
away from me. Tom lives much closer. I will see Tom every day except the ones I will be in Europe. Tom does
not, will never know about Joshua because he doesn't need to. It's over, and finally I can have a normal
Hello, Cary. I am sorry if I ever hurt you. I know that you liked me and I may have liked you too, but last year I
was so royally fucked up that I could not have been normal if you injected me with normal serum. I am so so
sorry. I never meant to brush you off or make you feel like you weren't important.
A couple of seconds went by. Then he signed off.
Can things be going too well? Is that even possible? I just want to shift backward into his arms once without
analyzing the way he accepts me. I don't want to think about every word he's ever said to me in fear it might be
Josh quit today. I'm moving to Vermont with my wife, he told us as he passed out the final. Angie told me before
class otherwise I would have fainted. Instead I just watched him as he walked by me time and time again. We
didn't say anything to each other. Well, honestly, how could we?
I wanted to kill him at that moment, not ha-ha "I'll kill you" thing, but really, brutally kill him. Tom's upset because
this is all I've talked about and I'm ignoring him even as Josh talks, because Tom called my cell-phone.
I don't care. My Josh is leaving me…my totally inappropriate relationship is ending. Josh said, It's not you. She
might suspect, but she doesn't know. Don't worry. I love you.
He loves me? How dare he say that to me.
....I love him, too.
It's not a great way to pass the time, and one that will give you a headache quickly. Surefire way to get on the
depression train, too.
Bad things happen. John Doe gets mauled by dog. Sara Jane has a heart attack and abruptly dies. He's
leaving me and I'm reminded of it whenever I look at the clock.
I feel alone. I mean, if being deserted isn't the kind of thing people write about, what is? It's perfect for angst,
and suffering. God, this all feels so…personal. I know I could pick up the phone as Tom worriedly calls my
home, my cell, and is repeatedly ignored.
I forget that only last year, I was terribly suicidal. I totally thought dying was a great way to leave. When it comes
back full force after my "good periods", it hurts.
She pushed her palms together and rubbed. She lathered, then washed. She walked out into the living room
and like clockwork, he had arrived home at five of six. His eyes turned to glance at her, then past her. She slid
by him to the kitchen.]
I just realized that this is stupid. What I'm doing is I'm writing that I'm over him.
I doubt that's true. But if putting it in words, at least, will make it real, then good. This is not going to take over my
life, like Titanic did when it came out and I saw it a million times.
What Tom had on his face was something inside him too, and it was shining full force at me. And that felt really
He clearly had to adjust, had to watch his words while talking to me, rethink them so that they would include
both me and Angie. Even so, he paid much more attention to me, and, well, why shouldn't he? Angie didn't
bang him, for chrissake. She's very intelligent. She definitely saw something there.
Internet, TV, music, video games…I felt like a normal kid again. I went and got ice cream from the ice cream
man, who gave me a little perk of free Airheads. I watched Last Comic Standing, which made me laugh. My
Playstation2 wasn't working so I couldn't play Harry Potter, which annoyed me. I checked it for the problem.
Too much dust in the system.
No, that was not a metaphor.
Georgetown is my first choice, even though it's not an Ivy and I realize that if I can go to an Ivy, I probably
should. NYC is amazing, and I would thank my lucky stars to get into Columbia. Something about the openness
and cultural aspects of Georgetown just gets to me, though.
Okay, it's all counting these as one word each so I'm going to have to say something of import…because I
could post 100 links but wow, all that < br> html would hurt my head.
My favorite link has to be pointlesswasteoftime.com. Not only is it a great conglomeration of funny in the
universe, it has these fantastic forums. If you sign up, you will likely get a taste of STFU, NFSW, tubgirl, goatse,
and if a girl, "show us your tits".
My stepdad's best friend from Texas showed up for stepdad's birthday today. He was really cute years ago
when I was 11. Now he's chubby and excessively hitting on me. At first I thought I was reading too much into it.
When he asked for hugs that went on too long every other minute, I got the idea.
Not laugh in that sissy sort of way, at stupid jokes that anyone could tell.
I want them to laugh in a really awkward way, wondering to themselves if they should be laughing but not being
able to help it. I want to get to the very quick of their beings with my wit. They should shake their heads a little bit
after they finish laughing, then glance at me to see if I'm looking back.
Laugh at me, world!
This is the first sentence. Hope you like seconds, because THIS IS ONE. Hey, here comes a third! Start the post
with this fourth sentence and colon:
Expression of discontent at upcoming senior year.
Statement of belief that said senior year will "bite the big one".
Indignation at not having a good schedule.
Further indignation at mother for thinking that she can control senior schedule.
Wish to shut her up.
Wish to sneak behind her back and do something terrible, like always.
Extreme desire to be away from all of it.
Realization of that cliché.
I can't do anything about it, obviously.
I went shopping today, for my Italy trip. I reinvented my personality with clothing. I had my mother spend far too
much money on me. I felt good, for a while.
I liked my report card. I liked watching TV, though Jon Stewart angered me. He usually makes me feel better, so
I yelled at him. Lots of buzzing in my mind…for the first time in my life I don't want to fight anymore.
It ended. After a while though, and three bathroom trips from me. Tom thought that was spectacularly funny.
Everything ends. These entries end now, today. I am relieved and discomfited, as I was at the end of May.
There will be no July or August entries…I'll be on vacation, and won't have computer access.
This has been a turbulent month. It's easy to say I'll keep trekking…so I'll say that.