REPORT A PROBLEM
I saw the old him in the library today. My heart was in excitement, but I can't help but think of the newer him. The recent one that I've been thinking of recently. Then there's another him. I don't think I would be able to get over this him completely. There's just something so compelling in him that I can never get over with. He is and will always be my dream man, but he will also be my number one-impossible-to-be-with man. Perhaps one day, when I fall completely in love with someone else, I will still think of him.
I hate this yearning. I hate being so used to talking to him that I feel as though something is missing when I don't. I hate being so relient and dependent on him that every problem that I have in my mind, I would go looking for him to talk about it. I hate waiting for him to message me, call me or just simply to talk to him. I hate fighting the urge to want to make a grab for his hand and feel how it's like to hold again. I hate wanting to give him a hug everyday.
I keep having these crazy fantasies, it's like as if I'm going nuts just thinking about him. Whoa, how come I didn't feel this the first time round? He is different and he keeps me in constant suspense and curiosity. I want to know more about this guy. No wait. Correction, I want to know everything about this guy, down to the very last time he'd visited his family doctor. That's how much I think about him right now. And it happens every single day. I can't believe I'm missing him now when I'd just seen him a while ago.
Oh god, this is so damn difficult. Imagine liking someone so much and having that person liking you back. Yet, you are so bloody stubborn and adamant about your decision that you are literally torturing yourself. And it's all because of a past moment's folly. Yes, I do regret sometimes, but I know that made me learn and I'm grateful for that small amount of experience I'd gained. I am careful now. And I'm also suffering. I know I'm doing us both injustices actually. If he doesn't want to wait, I know I will regret this more than the last.
Am I selfish, thinking the way I'm thinking right? Making him wait? But then again, he hasn't even had the balls to come clean with me and get it right. I feel as though I'm in limbo- not that it's such a bad thing. After all, rejection is the only path he will ever walk with me, at least for the next year it'll be. That is why; I can't expect him to wait for me for a year, can I? That's just utter cruelty. I know I will be depressed if otherwise, but what will you have me do?
It's not easy to wait but it's hard not to wait. I think he finally got the idea. Oh god. Tau was right, guys do get hints and sometimes, you really have to be a tad more obvious! Ahah. I'm feeling so much better now that I know he knows what I want. He's worth it; I know there's more to him than meets the eye and I want to stick around longer to check out what he has to offer exactly. I'm excited, anticipative and happy about this. At least, next year, I have something to look forward to.
I don't understand this at all. Why is he hesitating? I believe my response has been rather outright and obvious. What is he playing exactly? I hate the fact that we seemed to be communicating via messengers. God, it's palavering and vexing! He is a man for crying out loud; doesn't he have the balls to admit his feelings? I seriously can't believe this! Is he expecting me to make the first move? When I see him, it is like invisible trains of words are chaining and linking us up, the only problem is the fact that they are invisible.
I answered the phone, half expecting my heart to be palpitating but it was not. It was shockingly calm. Disturbingly calm. I feel awkward; I do not know how to start this conversation. It seems that I may be able to do presentations but not be able to initiate this conversation. I clear my throat and try my best not to say anymore ers. So —er- do you like —er- like me, -er- in a more than friends way? I start awkwardly. Yes, I do It sounded too much like a question and answer session, and I'm hating this formality.
I'm having massive trouble picturing this. I feel like an inebriate, I can't seem to relate to any vague sense of logic. What did he just say? Personally, I am unable to see anyone having the slightest amount of fancy for me. I mean, I am uncouth, vulgar, I am definitely not demure at all and I have such a wretched laughter. He loves it, he says. I am amazed. In awe even. This stunningly new revelation is completely novel to me, but I could get used to this. I am not him, he says to explain his previous comments.
I feel like a disgusting yo-yo thing. The back and forth motion is driving me nuts. I need resolve; I need determination. I need these things that I know I cannot possess. Why is moving away so difficult? I'm seriously going to ruin something that is so much better for something that obviously is not going to progress. This is sickening. I'm sickening. If I don't move away, I am going to be stuck in the past and in the process, losing my future. I hate not having control of my mind, my thoughts and my emotions. I hate wavering.
I'm sorry. I don't know exactly whom I'm apologizing to but I know it's either him or myself. It has to be him. He is not a substitute, no, he is an individual; a separate being. I realize that ages ago and that other him. Well, he deserves to be forgotten. The only problem is whenever I see him; all those old emotions come rushing back. Even as he mouthed, Hey, Michelle. I knew what it was. Elation. I was happy that he remembered who I am. I am inexplicably sorry to the current him. I have done him injustice.
Just as long as I do not see him, I will be fine. From a friend whom I had sought advice from: feelings get eroded overtime. I guess it is only the matter of how long it takes. Apparently, this one is taking one hella a long time to get eroded, probably going against all the laws of physics and geography. Damn him. He needs to disappear from my life, but somehow, I know, I don't want him to. Regardless, I have to ignore my inner desire. I have a direction now, so let's stick to it, shall we eh?
I guess you would know who is the one when you are willing to take the risk and give him a chance. That's how I feel right now. I want to give him a chance, because I see the potential in us - together. Seriously, I am eating my words now and as much as I hate to say this, I cannot help myself. I just keep thinking about him everyday. I think about him the first thing I wake up and he is still on my mind just before I sleep. That is why; I'm giving him this chance.
I am contemplating and weighing the various chances and possibilities of us succeeding and overcoming this ordeal. It is a test of endurance and commitment. Sometimes I feel certain and affirmed, other times, I feel unsure and tentative. I want to go to him so badly, but I am afraid. I will not and cannot withstand another setback, especially one of such magnitude. I cannot take the chances because I have too many things at stake, too much to lose. Call me a wimp, a loser. I don't care. I just cannot stand to lose him, not now; not yet.
I am beginning to subtly regret my previously, supposedly rash decision. But it has been decided, and no matter how tough it will be, I have to stick by my choice. Especially now that I know I am not the only one waiting. Maybe it would have been better for him not to let me know. It was a mistake to him apparently, however, in my opinion, I thought it was one of the best moves he had ever made. Otherwise, it would prolong the torture for him. Yeah, it was definitely appropriate for him, and I'm glad he did.
I think I am going mad. Or perhaps even crunked. Crazed and drunk. That intense stare, what was that exactly? I keep thinking about it and replaying it over and over again in my mental theatre. Was that lust or yearning, or innocent concern in his glaze? Oh god, thank goodness I had barely managed to look away. Otherwise, I might, just might have gone a little closer and parted my lips a little wider& it was that intense. Somehow, I want that moment again. Indeed, I do amaze myself on several rare occasions and this is one of them.
He is far from perfection, albeit nowhere near my ideal guy or perhaps within the vicinity of the previous one. But guess what, I still want him just as much as he wants me. All these imperfections, they are merely physical thresholds that can be easily overcome. I await that day, no doubt but nonetheless, I will not stand to lose him. I guess that is the main attraction, as ironic as it has become. His numerous imperfections are making him more alive and closer to reality. I don't want to promise anyone anything, but at least I am sure.
I wish he could be my neighbour. It is a silly mentality, a wishful thinking actually. A childish desire. It seems as though the world is against us because he literally needs to cross borders at two countries just to catch a glimpse of me. Is that fair for him? I do not know, it will be difficult but he is positive, I cannot comprehend his rationale. Perhaps he has been through this before, but I have not. There are fears of course, but at least, it will be easier this time round. Provided this time ever comes around &
I am missing him so much, that this has exceeded my wildest imaginations. I know what this is and I know I would not be able to hold back for another year. It will be a near impossible task. It was either this year or the next, next would mean a lot more of those dreadful internal turmoil battles and I really do not need that kind of distraction. I guess I'm one of those 'absence makes the mind grow fonder' type of people, and I'm glad to say, he is too. Out of sight, out of mind? Not us.
Sometimes I wonder if I was too driving, I seemed to be taking the controls for everything. Since the beginning of time it seems, it was always me calling the shots, making the first move. Is this right? I am not committing some treason like crime, right? I mean, it's true that some guys seriously do need a lot of probing and prompting. But surely this cannot go on interminably? I guess if I didn't catalyses the reaction, then perhaps the reaction wouldn't happen. But I guess I'm not just a catalyst, I'm one of the key reactants as well.
The tide has changed. It is true, I'll soon be going back on words. Very soon, all I need now is for him to have the balls to ask me that same question one more time and the conclusion can be drawn. But that is exactly the problem, the balls I mean. He does not have them, sad to say. Unfortunately, this is one of those things that the female should not take the lead. As was against the norm, I'd already stepped over my boundaries for him. Actually, this isn't my first time, but that doesn't mean I should.
I cannot believe I have to keep dropping one hint after another. I mean, there is only this amount of patience I can have and mine is running thin. The tiresome issue here is that I have to keep making my supposedly subtle hints, more and more unsubtle. So what is the point of me hinting if he isn't going to take the bait or the hint rather and get on with the action? What is the point if I have to keep hinting and hinting, down to the point where I should have just tell him straight? What is?
I feel like such a total loser. It was all my fault. Why am I such a fickle-minded freak? I wished I could make up my mind easier and be adamant about my decision. But being adamant may not always be a good thing. If I choose to remain stubborn, then already the middle section of this tale will turn out twisted. No, if I had been stubborn, this tale would have ended prematurely. Which is really quite a pity. So yeah, I should be glad now because of my fickle-mindedness I have saved this tale? But it's just me&
I am nervous. This is peculiar. I am even more unease when I was about to do my graded presentation. The only reason I could think of is perhaps the fact that this was the first. The first chapter to this tale. Having said this, I guess my hundred words has to end soon. Most unfortunate. I realized that I will be doing a lot more writing and there is really no point for me to keep repeating my ideas over and over again and harp of the same issues. I've a new aim now and that's all that matters.
We left the eatery in embrace of the crisp weather. It was humid yet cooling. A good day for a long stroll indeed. I love walking a lot. The air was fresh with dew but the ground laid slippery beneath my weather-worn sneakers. But that didn't matter, because I have a safety handle — his hand. Somehow, it had slipped subtly into mine and of course, I had gladly embraced it, albeit after longing for it for such a long time. It felt so good, those hands of a man. I missed it for so long. It just feel so good.
I feel like the man in command. I seem to be initiating all those moments. But god, I love it so much. It just feels so good to be loved; to be cherished. It is something that I had been yearning for such a long time and now, it's like seeing a mirage in the desert. No, maybe it is an oasis. I enjoy the way our fingers intertwine and interlock into each other. Okay, I'm probably getting the Early Lovers' Syndrome, but hell, I'm having so much fun. The touch of his hand and the smell of his body.
It seemed to be an awkward moment. One minute we were leaving the eatery and into the damp pavement, the next, we were holding hands. I guess it was truly nothing I had imagined. It was slightly anti climatic though, but I mean, I know him, and this is how he is. Give and take, that's how my mantra goes and that's how we're gonna be. I am thankful that at least, he has that bit of intrepid quality because I was seriously going nuts — trying to curb my mad desire to make a grab for him. Yes, thank god.
Ah. This is so different from the usual relationships that I'm so used to lament about. This is like an entirely new level of relationship, of mental and emotional connectivity. Is it just me or is it true that everything that has to do with me always have to be out of the norm? Everything, and I'm serious, everything I do. I do miss him in the day time but somehow, I can curb these feelings and stop myself from smsing him because I know if I'm too used to talking to him, I'll die if I don't. Queer eh?
I wonder if I'm the only one in this two-way traffic facing this issue. Am I normal? I guess my approach to this issue is really different. But I hope it helps later on in the year because I really don't want us to be sticking to each other like elephant glue. This is what I've trying so hard to avoid. Once you get to that stage, you're an absolute goner. There can be no turning back and no pretending those feelings and urges aren't there because they are there and hell, they're strong. Is this what they can maturity?
I am running out of things to whine and lament about. So this is it, my last hundred words. Personally, I have a lot more to write when I'm depressed or have some negative vibes whirling in me. Fortunately, things have changed for me and I'm having less and less of that negative energy now. Hopefully, I can stay away from hundred words, because the moment I return, it means that my happy ending has just turned into a melancholic beginning and yeah, there will be the doubting and apprehension going into and out of my mind all over again.
The Tip Jar