03/01 Direct Link
These biographical entries are boring me, and possibly you. Iím overfull and sleepy. Regina Spektor is crooning ďEditÖ editÖ editÖ editÖĒ

My mind is on power save mode and Iím slightly dreading going in to work tomorrow. What is the point?

Snow falls silently, steadily.

My daydreams are always of the past. Rarely of the future. Rarely of an imagined reality that never existed. Instead, Iím always wandering around in the nostalgic fields and gardens of years past. Usually alone, as though time had frozen and I was the only alert, awakened one, observing and contemplating in silence.

Times change.

03/02 Direct Link
Is it wrong that I havenít yet ďsettledĒ for anything thus far in life? I havenít ďsettledĒ in terms of a career path. I havenít ďsettledĒ in terms of a life partner. Iím still drifting above it all, looking here and there, and treating the world as though it were an endless realm imbued with infinite possibilities.

Thatís the idealist in me, still very much alive and asserting itself. It may also have to do with the stubborn streak in me. Or perhaps the explanation is inexperienceÖ or sheer stupidity.

But talking time is over. Itís time to prove myself.

03/03 Direct Link
I should like to lie at your feet and die in your arms. Voltaire.

Impetuous me, reading those words, feels. Ineffably effervescent. A flower bud waiting to bloom. Spring, right around the corner. A peacock displaying the full glory of its plumage for all to see.

Crazy, crazy love. The gloriously myopic hazy vision of youth. Allow me the breadth of a single day to be irresponsible, immature, insane. Giddy laughter, an impossibly clear blue sky, sunshine pouring across our bodies as we lie, intertwined.

And the sand slips through the hourglass, and your face fades, and my vision clears.

03/04 Direct Link
FINALLY finished unpacking. Cleaned my room pretty thoroughly today. Having a thousand dollar vacuum really does add extra motivation and make the process a bit more fun.

Iím sipping chamomile tea right now and feeling at ease. Aesthetics does impact moodÖ in the Sims and IRL.

Spring is nearing and Iím a tiny bit sad Iím not going to be in Chicago this time around. I took a ďWhatís Your CityĒ quiz for fun, and lo and behold, my city turned out to be Chicago! Itís a bustling city, but alsoÖ humane and charming. I love the different ethnic neighborhoods.

03/05 Direct Link
Iíve been tossing around the idea of medical school. Again, thereís the commitment issue. What do I feel passionate about? What do I want to devote myself to? What am I willing to expend the effort to pursue?

Itís just that I would really like to acquire expertise in a closed system of knowledge. Itís something I could devote myself to and become good at and enjoy.

But those are all reasons that sound good on paper and in my head. I just donít know whether my heart will follow this logic. What does the heart want? Iím still experimenting.

03/06 Direct Link
Tired and reclusive. Itís been an event-packed day. Iím slowly righting my tilted world. Listening to 8mmís ďLiarĒ, lying on my back, Iím slowly forgetting youÖ I can recall fragments of our conversations, snapshots of our happy wordless moments.

But the pain of the aftermath has faded. Keeping busy really does help. I have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind. Iím still struggling valiantly to get into some kind of rhythm, some kind of groove.

Itís just that... although I maintain a tough external faÁade, inside Iím a kitten tangled in a ball of yarn.

03/07 Direct Link
Watched an interesting movie tonight: Li Shaohongís Stolen Life. It was suitably grim and surprisingly good. I enjoyed the handheld camerawork, and the cinematography in general was first rate. Beijingís underground mall seemed like the most alien of places, and there was a suitably mythic netherworld quality to the setting.

My mom kept saying that ď2007 is a dark yearĒ... her company announced a mandatory company-wide meeting for tomorrow, and rumor has it that layoffs are in order. My response to that was that rumors are rumors, and who knows what the purpose of the meeting will be? Premature speculation.

03/08 Direct Link
Iím in a strangely ambivalent mood. Was invited out for coffee and confectionaries, but only felt a 50% desire to go. I just donít feel like going out and being social and entertaining. Like Jack said, ďyouíre one depressing chickÖĒ

Misery loves company, I guess. Right now, I would much prefer a familiar presence to join me in commiseration. Iím not fully up to the task of being sunshiney and impressive to a strange new presence. He seems like a nice enough guy, sure... but Iím nowhere as attracted to him as I am towards Cage. Cage is hot stuff.

03/09 Direct Link
Not bad for three hours of work. I set four appointments. My only ďissueĒ of the day was with the secretary. She wanted to leave early, so she robbed me out of an hourís worth of work (and an hourís worth of pay). She could have easily signed off on my time card to give me that extra hour, seeing as I had gotten plenty done already. But... no.

And sheís always questioning me on menial issues to demonstrate her superiority. Who the hell does she think she is? Sheís just some middle-aged smoker with a stick up her ass.

03/10 Direct Link
I gorged on food, and I gorged shopping, and I gorged on studying today. It was a very hedonist day, beginning with a lemon-raspberry cupcake topped with white chocolate frosting, and accompanied by a cup of Mexican hot chocolate, piled high with whipped cream.

The food lust continued with a trip to Whole Foods, as I gratified myself with some favorite items. Dinner consisted of seared wild-caught tuna over mixed greens tossed in a sesame shitake dressing, mashed potatoes made with half and half, gravy with fresh parsley, grilled cheese made with whole wheat French bread, and tomato soup. Mmm.

03/11 Direct Link
Aside from foodÖ Iím leading a somewhat ascetic life. Itís helpful in terms of keeping distractions to a minimum and allowing me to focus on what I need to do right now. I feel as though Iíve gone into hibernationÖ or that Iíve gone on an instanced quest of some kind, temporarily separated from the ďreal worldĒ.

If only it were that simple. There are a few things that are helping to keep me sane: tennis, wi-fi, and Arabic. The first and last items at least get me out of the house. And work-wise, Iím feeling tentatively hopeful. Fingers crossed.

03/12 Direct Link
I need to plan some pay-offs for myself so I donít get discouraged down the line. Right now, Iím still feeling somewhat inspired and driven. But with the coming of spring, the lazy days of summer arenít far around the bend. I hope I can keep my energy level high and my spirits up.

With Arabic, the pay-off (reward) is built in. As long as I keep up with class, Iíll be making progress, and by the end of the semester, I will have achieved something quite remarkable. I would never have gotten that far by myself. Reproduce this achievement.

03/13 Direct Link
So tiredÖ tennis was fun, as usual. I got really pissed at myself for missing shots left and right. Itís hard though, because I hit every shot with the same full stroke, and itís hard to time my shots because of the balls given to me by my classmates. If I were to hit like them and just sort of swat at it and lob it over, perhaps I would exhibit more control.

But I donít want to develop the bad habit of shortening my strokes for the sake of competition, and only hitting with the proper technique during practice.

03/14 Direct Link
Iím in a good mood. Training went really well today. It was more rewarding and informative than I anticipated. Donít get me wrong, I was excited about starting the training process and certainly the subject matter interested me. But it still surprised me how much I really enjoyed the role-playing.

It was also a very self-affirming process. I liked being back in a classroom setting. I really appreciated being able to interact closely with fellow classmates. A bit of camaraderie started to build. The last time something like that happened was back during Princeton Review training. I feel energized, positive.

03/15 Direct Link
I feel a bit crazy. A lot of things are happening in my life right now and inside Iím a mess, but on the outside, Iíve got to act like Iíve got it all together. Socializing is hard enough for me on an average day, but the stakes have been raised and the pressureís on. I donít have a choice in whether or not I ďfeel likeĒ interacting with others and making my best effort and putting on my best front.

My future depends on it. So I have to give it my best shot. I have to keep going.

03/16 Direct Link
A lot of stress in my life right now. I know what I want to do now. Iíve made up my mind and I have a goal. I feel prettyÖ whatís the right word? I feel like Iíve locked myself into a course of action, and nothing is going to stop me. Very gunner-ish.

It probably doesnít help that Iíve managed to find a forum of folks who are definitely a subset of the test takersóa select group of bright individuals obsessed with making it. Hell, half of all test takers donít even break 24! Itís a sobering thought.

03/17 Direct Link
A lot of stress in my life right now. I know what I want to do now. Iíve made up my mind and I have a goal. I feel prettyÖ whatís the right word? I feel like Iíve locked myself into a course of action, and nothing is going to stop me. Very gunner-ish.

It probably doesnít help that Iíve managed to find a forum of folks who are definitely a subset of the test takersóa select group of bright individuals obsessed with making it. Hell, half of all test takers donít even break 24! Itís a sobering thought.

03/18 Direct Link
I wanted to dislike Dayyan Engís Waiting Alone. The dialogue tried hard to be ďcoolĒ and the cinematography tried hard to be humorous. I wanted to dislike it, but I couldnít. It was too likeable and I couldnít stop watching.

Itís a movie ďdedicated to the one who got awayĒ. At its heart, itís a very simple film. About liking someone who isnít worth the effort, and overlooking someone great who has been by your side all along. Li Bingbing really surprised me in her role as the ďpopular girlĒ who laughs coyly and looks at you with that look.

03/19 Direct Link
An exhausting day. But itís the first day in a while (well, since last week actually, when I last had crisis training) that Iíve really felt much of a desire to really gab about my day and my experiences instead of dwelling on internal ruminations.

Long story short. Being a canvasser for a ďcauseĒ is one half sales and one half cult. There were a lot of unexpected similarities between canvassing and selling vacuums. My experiences with both have definitely been interesting. Iíve met some memorable people that I will remember for quite a while yet. Life experience, man. Yeah.

03/20 Direct Link
I hope this job ďsticksĒ for a while. I can envision getting along with the GM and various managers. AndÖ I would love to be a projectionist. As far as grunt jobs go, this is one I would not mind doing. I am a technophile and it would be fun to get good at something like this.

Of course, weíll have to see how actual work goes and I have yet to test out the waters.

AndÖ I need to move out. AndÖ I donít have enough money. AndÖ Iím not ready. Sigh. Sometimes, things feel and seem so hopeless.

03/21 Direct Link
I wonder if Verdant ignored me and put me off because I would have just brought him added stress the way Jack is doing to meÖ by caring too much. By being too needy and caring too much about my reaction to him.

Itís ironic. Iím always in the mood to talk to Verdant. Not that I always know what to say to him. But Iím happy to see him online and Iím happy just to be ďwithĒ him or near him in that sense. Itís pathetically loyal or canine-like of me. Iím usually much more of a standoffish cat-personÖ

03/22 Direct Link
My writing professor wrote to me today. I was really impressed and touched that she cared enough to write to me and ask me how things turned out. Granted, since she helped me with a letter of recommendation, she had more of a vested interest in me than say, Verdant, who didnít get involved to that extent.

Still, I found it really sweet of her to write and I think back to the time we spent together in class with fondness. We were all very different. Yet we shared things about ourselves with each other in a very sincere manner.

03/23 Direct Link
Pressure cooker situation, but I donít need to be reminded of it. I hate external pressure. I can withstand the pressure I put upon myself. I can even withstand societal pressure, to some extent. But I hate that feeling of ďletting someone downĒ. I hate feeling like someone cares about me and worries about me so much and Iím letting that person down.

I would rather not have that kind of emotional connection than take this crap that goes along with it. Gosh, my current living situation is depressing. ButÖ all this crap builds character, right? I surely hope so.

03/24 Direct Link
Chemistry is frustrating. So many concepts are just handed over with little explanation except by way of vague hand waving. Iím always asking why, whatís the basis for XYZ? And when I donít get a clear answer, it bugs me to no end, and I canít move forward.

I get caught up in the little details and canít follow along or continue on. Sucks. Iím so glad there are online forumsÖ hopefully someone will have some insight. I do actually enjoy torturing myself with this neverending study. Neverending nights.

I hope I can keep this up and stay motivated, focused.

03/25 Direct Link
Had a productive day today. Hours and hours of studying. Iím almost done with chapter oneÖ lol. I feel like Iím mounting a huge, insane effort. Itís a good thing though. I have a goal. I have a written goal, in fact. Thanks to Buddy, I have a post-it note reminding me of the importance of having a written goal.

Another thing I learned from selling vacuums is the importance of willpower. As Vince Lombardi said: ďThe difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but a lack of will.Ē

03/26 Direct Link
Training was really invigorating and reaffirming tonight. It felt good to have people evaluate my performance. It felt good that so many people had comments immediately after I finished. To me, it showed that their comments were sincere and bespoke of their natural, instinctive reactions to my performance. There was no awkward moment of silence, followed by sympathy comments.

Bathing in the afterglow of that small moment of affirmation really makes me realize how much I thirst for that feeling of doing well and exhibiting mastery. Until tasting it, I didnít even realize how much I had been missing out.

03/27 Direct Link
Weariness is kicking in. I was all amped up for much of the day, beginning with tennis, continuing on through work, and finally class. I felt so behind in class today, after a weekís off due to spring break, then another week off due to work. Finally, finally, I got back into the thick of things. I hope the position will work out and I can find some stability in my life again.

It was all go, go, go. I enjoyed that feeling for much of the day. It felt productive.

Time for some reading and then itís lights out.

03/28 Direct Link
I feel shitty. Training went poorly and I felt like I severely underperformed this session. Iím sure it wasnít as bad as I think it went. And anyway, I will have plenty of opportunities to make up for it.

I am, however, disturbed by something else. Something that was brought out and illuminated in sharp relief tonight. My attitude. My attitude toward others is a bit lacking. I donít appreciate people enoughówhat they do for me, how they care for me. Iím too self-absorbed to notice.

I miss him, but I donít know that he still misses me. History.

03/29 Direct Link
I havenít read or written anything fictional in a long time. I hope Iím not dreadfully out of practice. I still ďwriteĒ a bit, if online posts countÖ if this semi-blog counts. Itís better than nothing I suppose. I suppose I did manage to make an adequate effort for my grad school application essays.

ÖIt was a good day. I enjoy the physical labor of my grunt job. I get a bit of exercise, Iím on my feet, and yet itís not over the top busy. I like it. I just have to pace myself. Begin with one good day.

03/30 Direct Link
I love how my mom says crap to me under the cloak of ďIím just saying this to help you; Iím just saying this to show you how your problems with me are really reflective of the social problems you have with EVERYONE.Ē Itís hard not to let barbs like that do damage.

Iíve developed a very ice cold exterior. Very logical, very unperturbed, very self-centered. I have to be this way, in order to handle the crap thrown my way. I would rather be this way than to open myself up to a world of hurt. Not too healthy.

03/31 Direct Link
Studied a lot today. Didnít wake up too early, then spent most of the rest of the day with my nose buried in a book. The most eventful thing I did was go out to the store briefly and walk around. But, after Fridayís chaos, followed by long hours in the observation room, it was a welcome change of pace.

Iím really enjoying studying. Torturing myself with verbal, dredging up my ancient knowledge of chemistry from the cobwebby recesses of my mind. Itís fulfilling and I know Iím working towards something important. Itís for the sake of my own future.