12/01 Direct Link
yesterday I was lost inside my own mind trying desperately to remember this is not how I normally am trying to remember how I normally am discovering my life like I'd never lived it before dreaming with my eyes open I fall and look at my knees, poking up naked from the holes in my jeans this is not how I normally am I see my mind turned inside out the patterns of nature repeat themselves over and over and I become lost in the twisted passageways in my mind going in circles this is not how I normally am
12/02 Direct Link
yesterday I was lost inside my own mind trying desperately to remember this is not how I normally am trying to remember how I normally am discovering my life like I'd never lived it before dreaming with my eyes open I fall and look at my knees, poking up naked from the holes in my jeans this is not how I normally am I see my mind turned inside out the patterns of nature repeat themselves over and over and I become lost in the twisted passageways in my mind going in circles this is not how I normally am
12/03 Direct Link
lying in my bed with my eyes closed and the lights turned off like a good girl I grapple with myself feeling like my soul or my mind or both have been wiped clean and I try to remember what I normally think about lying awake at four o'clock in the morning but all I can do is lay there with my eyes closed my mind a blank waiting for sleep like a warm cloud to envelope me but soon I see the darkness in my windows fading slowly into blue and what if this is who I really am?
12/04 Direct Link
more than anything I hate being ignored when you block yourself from me all I want to do is scream (and perhaps scratch your eyes out with my fingernails) and I try to explain my side of the story but you ignore my words and the quiet little chores I do around the house as some way of reconciliation but maybe you don't want that…I know you love me and I feel the same but I try and I make mistakes I'm only human and if you only knew the story…but I can barely understand it myself…so it goes
12/05 Direct Link
this morning I woke up to rain—I love it pattering on my window but running to the bus I got soaked some things are better viewed from afar…I want to rise up like a phoenix from the gray ash that is my life which isn't bad really just uneventful I want to soar in the sky on wings of fire and rubies watching the world from above I want to find where the world made just for me is hiding I want to make life interesting again like in the days when I painted my thoughts on the walls
12/06 Direct Link
In all the history of the world one of the greatest tragedies is Jesus. Not because he died for our sins, (I can't make myself believe in that anyway) but because his word has been tarnished. What did Jesus preach? Love and forgiveness. I think that if he came to earth again he would denounce half the Christians I know, who definitely do not love their neighbor. Imagine if the bible had actually been written by Jesus. I bet there would have been a lot less stuff about how you can't have sex, because, after all, Jesus married Mary Magdalene.
12/07 Direct Link
today in chemistry class I found magic again as fuchsia blossomed from the water in my glass tube and maybe I have discovered a path my mind can follow, into equations and elements, where there will be peace…one mole of hydrogen weighs one gram no matter what and maybe all I need to do is find the patterns in the universe that repeat themselves over and over in my eyes and imagine the magic of a place where the temperature is always absolute zero and all matter is silent…but all I want to do is look for the philosophers stone
12/08 Direct Link
When I was younger I could never sleep Christmas Eve. Looking back on that now, I'm almost ashamed. What did I look forward to? Presents. At the time a new stuffed animal seemed more important than anything. I guess I am truly a child of the material world. I think looking a children will really show you where our society is. Little boys love guns and first person shooter games, and not one kid isn't excited for all the stuff they'll get at Christmas. My dad's Jewish, so we celebrate Chanukah too, but I'm not sure if that's any better.
12/09 Direct Link
this is the time of year everything starts to fall apart my friend just tried to kill herself, I got arrested and maybe all it is is the cold that seeps into your soul making you forget the reason for life…my dad says the sun causes happiness and the loss of sun causes pain…I don't know I don't know I am strong I can survive we can all survive if we try and falling is hard but rebuilding is harder and today I am not sure if I really even want to try tomorrow maybe I'll think a little differently
12/10 Direct Link
all I want to do is remember my dreams the missing pieces of my life maybe if I knew what my subconscious did as a sleep I could learn about myself and the places in me I don't know but now all I can remember is the color of my dreams the feeling the floating thoughts and I once had a dream of the place where I could live forever this world away from mine with sun-drenched fields that went on forever and sometimes I know that I dream as I walk and I start to forget where I am
12/11 Direct Link
everyone knows a person that is just too good too beautiful too talented too loved that in the end is often disliked because of their talents and beauty and we are such jealous creatures by nature or by culture and I always feel a tug when I see her walking across the room rebelling against her poise and humor to be someone she hates and someone who is immune to her powers I make excuses saying she's mean and snotty but really all it is is my desire to step into her skin and command all the love and respect
12/12 Direct Link
my little brother is screaming at my mother I don't need to ask what is involved it doesn't matter I listen to the slammed doors and the tears and wonder why growing up hurts so much and thinking about the fight I had with my dad over cigarettes and booze and I didn't slam any doors and I kept my voice down but inside my head I was screaming screaming screaming and I know its not all the same but I just want to sit in a nice warm bath playing with my rubber ducky letting my mommy wash me
12/13 Direct Link
I want to create a world where everything is right and the seasons change seamlessly in a burst of flowers where the sin of miscommunication is forgotten I want to create this world mould it with my hands draw it out from the depths of my intestines and from the minds of everyone around me my world will explode covering up history as if it never happened changing our thoughts but leaving still the essence of who we are…I can make a world I will bear it in my womb and it will leave me naked and screaming, screaming, screaming
12/14 Direct Link
I realized today that writing is the only thing I do purely for myself. I never brag about it to anyone, I never let anyone read anything I write. I don't win any awards or any brownie points with my parents. Actually, that's kind of a comforting thought. Lately I've been worried that I am who I am because I'm trying to be someone who I'm not. Although I try to hide it, I definitely have a certain image I am trying to attain. But at least in my writing I am actually myself, actually doing what I love most.
12/15 Direct Link
lately I've been resorting to baking cakes cookies creamy confections that rise up like icebergs and melt in your mouth like snow needing to do something to make me feel productive considerate strong…yesterday I baked a pie for my city apple pie and I left my apple pie on the steps of a building and I watched until a man with hair down to his knees picked it up smelled it examined it looked around and took my apple pie away with him… I have never been so happy as the day that my pie was sucked into my city
12/16 Direct Link
I see out in front of me all the ways my future can go…I know it sounds corny but today I sat on the floor with college catalogs all around me and I wonder if my plan will work my plan of life a picture in my mind I've had since I was ten a picture of class and glamour and above all art and I wonder and I wonder who I am and where I'm going and I wonder if maybe I should major in agriculture instead and just grow marijuana I can smoke until I die of laziness
12/17 Direct Link
rereading my childhood stories I find myself again in the pages of myth and wonder and maybe everything I need will be found in the next old wardrobe a world of magic whose pain can be solved by the actions of four little kids… I want to be that small thing that ends the pain of a nation, of a world, I want to have the power of those children and melt the eternal snow to the spring that has never been seen before… I'm only one person in this whole big world but that doesn't really matter at all
12/18 Direct Link
I want to be a princess in a long silk dress with four dwarves to carry my train I would walk with my head held high (even allowing my nose to stick up a little higher) I would drape myself with jewels that cost more than it takes to feed an entire African country I would smile and flash my white white teeth and wave a gracious hand in the air while meeting with the prime minister of Japan…I don't know what else princesses do even after the countless years I've wasted wanting to become one…it doesn't matter at all
12/19 Direct Link
each day my mind explodes with epiphanies after epiphanies hard to explain hard to remember I know I think I found the reason my best friend cries when she sleeps at someone else house, why my brother often reverts to speaking only in grunts I think I found out the truth inside myself but it comes in flashes and now I remember nothing of the truth but must patch it together like a little dead moth, crumbling in my hand to be saved only by a miracle, so it can fly away into the green field where the truth lives
12/20 Direct Link
I can no longer tell the difference between dreams and memories, dreams and stories…all I can remember is the color of an idea a situation something on the tip of my tongue but maybe more like a dead butterfly in a display case and I try sometimes to distinguish what I know from what I've been told what I believe from what I want to believe and I can't wait for sleep for dreams which I probably won't remember and I am at a loss for words in face of all the possibilities which will come in a few hours
12/21 Direct Link
Sometimes I feel as though I'm wasting my life. That I'm running out of time, as they say. Like all my opportunities to create to write or to draw are getting used up. Then I think about it, how old am I? Fifteen? My life goes out far into the conceivable future. But whenever I think about my life, I somehow end it at about twenty-two. It's not that I think I'm going to die, but it's that I can't imagine you can actually live after a certain age. That once you get to the "settling down" age, you're fucked.
12/22 Direct Link
I haven't written in my journal for so long. It makes me guilty just thinking about it, so I push the thought out of my mind. I have that problem. When there's something I need to do, I don't let myself worry about it. A good idea, but I always end up putting my worries so far out of my head that I never do them at all. And then I end up with some little tickle of worry in the back of my head that I can never quite place. I probably have some repressed memory I'll never know.
12/23 Direct Link
I like to think that I have turned decorating Christmas cookies into some sort of art that they way I vary color and texture puts them above food…I drew a sunset on a bell this year with a tree silhouetted (in brown, not black…I don't trust black frosting) against the sky…every year since I can remember I've painted cookies even last year when the food coloring gave me hives and I couldn't go to the beach when we stayed in California because I had huge welts up and down my legs so bad it looked like my parents beat me
12/24 Direct Link
I never used to sleep the night before Christmas I would stay up past one dreaming of the mountains of toys I would get and the mountains of food I would eat and now I don't really care about the presents and tonight I will get to sleep easily (and if I can't it will be because of insomnia not anticipation) and I wonder if I'm getting less shallow or more shallow and what changed in me that made Christmas look different in my eyes but I know the answer and I'm not even going to say it, I can't
12/25 Direct Link
so I did end up not sleeping last night despite all my claims to the contrary I stayed up until far past midnight plagued with nightmares of my brother's death of my mothers tears but I woke up early the next morning with a shiny new face to give my family my gifts, even my love, and I realize that last Christmas I had no expectation of being alive being real this Christmas but I am I am and I will always be and when I'm not it won't matter anymore and visions of sugar plums dance in my head
12/26 Direct Link
today I made a book…sewed the pages together glued the binding (careful not to make any wrinkles) and I wondered if maybe I was going the wrong way if maybe my true path in life was to sit by a fire sewing pages and pages together to store all the knowledge in the world even though I know bookbinding is a disappearing art, now we have more than enough machines that make a hundred books an hour machines tended by dirty-faced children who are so close to all the knowledge in the world but can never reach it…but so close
12/27 Direct Link
i can't find love maybe i am searching for perfection in an imperfect word maybe i should marry the christian god like the nuns and adore his perfection from afar but i just want someone to hold and go on adventures with into my imagination or theirs and lie together watching the stars and making out in the moonlight and whenever he touched me i would arch my back like a cat and know THIS IS RIGHT and we would be in love but i know that's impossible i am too indecisive too inconsistent not to mention not lucky enough
12/28 Direct Link
i have decided that the only way to deal with things is not to deal with them at all(my shrink would probably tell me how unhealthy that is but frankly i would rather be happy and unhealthy than the other way around)so anyway when life sucks or even if it doesn't all i have to do is close my eyes and imagine a fantasy castle and i am a princess or a knight in shining armor or i could be a mouse hiding in someone's pocket living their life but not responding i feel somewhat unwell today for some reason
12/29 Direct Link
I think everyone has a kingdom for them somewhere. When I was younger, I used to imagine a place, a group of people, that would be at home with. We would be similar to each other, but different from the world. Or I would dream of some mountain on the other side of the world that I would have as my own. Just complete solitude, complete fulfillment. I used to pretend that I could exist as a single entity. Now I know I need people to survive, that I need people to tell me who I am if I forget.
12/30 Direct Link
I think I am going to take January off and crawl into a small dark place and just sleep and sleep and sleep so don't be surprised if you don't hear from me next month I need time to care about nothing to fall into depravity and ruin my mind and body without caring for the consequences—maybe I will get pregnant and get cancer like this girl I know who is so sad I feel like I can see her insides eating her up and leaving nothing nothing nothing but hunger and fear and sometimes a little loneliness somewhere
12/31 Direct Link
spending the last few hours of the year in a another state of mind altogether seems such a weird custom, that instead of a night of contemplation and ideas—on new years eve so many babies must be conceived so many people must get alcohol poisoning and it just seems strange to me but what do I know tonight I'll smoke all I can and have a great time but right now I wonder if I want to introduce myself to the new year with a head full of smoke and no memory of before and no idea of after