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I went out and got a little tipsy tonight. It didn't help. I still feel like a son of a bitch. I don't know why though. My life feels like a cosmic joke. The funniest part is here I am at twenty- seven and still feeling like that. I thought this shit was supposed to stop after high school. Just goes to show that I'm just as socially retarded as I thought. What kind of life is this? I don't know anymore. The feelings of self loathing and hating grow these days. I don't know if I can stop it anymore.
Sleep? What's that? I don't know these days. With work and school, I am so wrapped up I don't remember the essential things of life. If there is one super power I would like to have it would be the ability to not need sleep. I think it would make things easier. I would have time to do all the work I need to do as well as to do the things I enjoy. But what do I really enjoy anymore? I can't really think of too much. I liked hanging out with friends. That doesn't happen much these days.
This sleeping stuff is highly overrated. I'm not sure who decided that we needed it but whoever they are, I have a bone to pick with them. I keep having a reoccurring dream about a cop who takes me hostage. I don't know why he does. In the end he winds up shooting himself in the head. I never get to see his face or talk to him but by this time I've grown fond of him and scream out every time he pulls the trigger. I used to think he shot me but this time I didn't wake up.
The days are getting longer so they are going to steal an hour away from my weekend. Bastards. Oh well. Deadlines are starting to catch up with me and I've started thinking about life after college. I'm scared to death. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to make a living. I'd love to be a writer but just reading over some of my stuff I have to wonder what kind of talent, if any, that I have. I'm also feeling old here. I guess that's the life of the 27 year old college student.
Men are strange creatures. I speak from experience. I don't understand myself at times like this. There was a moment of beauty that just passed and I can let it go now. He was special and caring and wonderful. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be with him the way I would like instead of the way it has to be? I'm no closer to finding where I'm going but I do feel like I'm moving on. I guess I'm moving on whether I feel like I am or not. Time does not allow one to back-peddle.
Something odd has been happening with me. For some reason I've been in a relatively good mood for no good reason. Maybe I've gained a new and better perspective on things? Or maybe I've just decided that I'm tired of hearing myself whine and complain about shit. I don't know. I don't really care. It'll end soon enough I'm sure so I'm just going to ride it out for what it is worth. This project has been very helpful to me in that regard though. It has allowed me to pursue writing in a daily fashion. What do I know?
My friend Victor says that daylight savings time reminds him of grade school. It's like a practical joke played on the entire nation. Everyone leaves the room and suddenly the clocks are set ahead an hour. Ha ha freaking ha. Speaking of Victor, I've been thinking about my current circle of "friends" if I can be said to have any close friends here. I am beginning to develop some closer relationships. At least I think so. I don't know what they think. They are good people but I can't help but wonder if I'm not trying to recapture my youth.
A passage from my offline journal dated April 8, 2002: Is this the daily bread of the writer? The writing? Our prayer is the never ending dialogue in alphabetic. Is there nourishment in our words? Maybe for those who consume them but what about us who produce them? We gain by loss. We give up the internal and paste it on the page. Is that how the writer lives? Could s/he be starved by being clogged? With no means to produce can the writer simply live with the nourishment of ingestion or will they die of saturation? End of entry
I'm tired. Real tired. I shouldn't wait until I go to bed to write these things. My day has been all in all pretty shitty and I don't feel like writing anything. It's not like my writing really does anything. I looked over my offline journal today and just can't make heads or tales of what is going on. I feel like I just go through the motions these days. There isn't a whole lot that feels entirely real to me anymore. In fact, I can't think of anything that does outside of my general tired feeling. I don't know.
As with all good things, so too has my good mood, come to an end. I feel so lonely and I don't know why. Sometimes it just hurts so much I want to cry. But when I try to, I can't. I want to know what's wrong with me! I get so frustrated with myself and with the life that I've created. And then I feel like a baby ranting on and on about this. No wonder no one wants to be with me. All I have are my looks and little else and even those aren't all that spectacular.
I figure it's time I pull my head out of my ass. I've been on this big depression kick for a while now. I don't know if it's clinical or not. I refuse to see a doctor because I don't like the idea of having my emotions managed for me by means of medication. I may be fucked up emotionally but at least my feelings are "real." I've decided that I'm going to turn back to the teachings that moved me what seemed like forever ago. The wisdom in those words helped so much then. I must find them again.
I've been experiencing silence a lot these past few days. Not the silence of no noise but of no voice. The only time I've been actually talking to another person has been when I am at school. When I am at home, there is no one to hear. Jeff is always gone at work. Charlie is pretty much living with his fiancé. I find myself dreading coming back here at times. But now there is nowhere for me to go after I am done with classes. Only two years ago there was Victor and apartment 13 downtown. Nostalgia is me.
I've been doing the thing that I always recommend against. I've been fighting change. The funny thing is that I wasn't even aware that I was. I've refused to let go of old patterns and cycles that are obviously painful. I have caused myself and possibly many others a great deal of hurt and sadness. I've become the worst of men and no one has realized it. I hide behind humor and masks and personas. I have to let them go. Let them all go, if I am to stop the pain. I must not do this just for myself.
This weekend I decided to get drunk. Oh so drunk. I’m not really worried anymore about becoming my father. I managed to have a good time and not make too big of an ass out of myself. The big downfall though was my friend’s roommate. He was making some serious eye contact with me so I was unsure if he was interested in me or not. I tried my damnedest to figure out if he went my way or not but I really couldn’t tell. I can’t imagine him not being straight. It fits in with my going track record.
Why? I see you and I smile. Why? I want to talk to you but I cannot say what I want. Why? I've felt this way before but each and every time I am in the wrong. Why? I cannot seem to find the love that I long for. Is it really that important? Does a person really need a thing like that that badly? I just want to hold you in my bed and see your face in the morning. Eyes closed, mind dreaming. But I can't get that from you. I can't get that from anyone. Why not?
I want to say that I still can't figure myself out but I think that's a lie. I'm pretty sure I have a good idea about what's going on. I'm lonely. I want someone. The situation is as easy as that. I also feel like I don't have any purpose these days. I feel that once I'm done with college, that's it, I'm done with life. This all goes hand in hand with me thinking about growing older. I'm towards the end of the downslide to thirty. Not that thirty is really that old except when you are in college.
Surprise, surprise! I really can't think of anything to bitch about tonight. It was a pretty okay day with the exception of the heat. I remember this thing called spring. It would act like a buffer between winter and summer. The temperatures wouldn't get too extreme one way or the other and a person had a change to get used to the change. It seems that nature has given up on that idea recently and has decided to go straight into summer. Not much of an entry, I know. Oh wait, I found out I forgot more from the party.
It's the end of the world already, don't you know that? No, I didn't. I don't get it and I'm not sure if I ever will. Sun Ra is going to come and let it all blow up and I can't even say why. What do you do to find out though? How do you prepare yourself or how do you find understanding? I move from the point of not knowing but I can't say where I can go to bring it all together if there is anything to bring together. It saddens me and makes me feel like less.
Work, eat, sleep, school, work, eat, sleep, school… What am I doing? Even with the semester coming to an end I still feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life. I have to admit that there have been a few variables but I'm not sure if the life I live is my own or someone else's. Eh, that all just sounds like a crock of shit. Of course it's my life. That is what life there is for me to have. I've been in a sleepy haze and I've forgotten how to wake up. Time to move.
I need to get away from the computer. I've started becoming one of those horrible addicts that we've been talking about in class. Granted I'm not thinking I am someone I am not but I spend so much time in front of this box and get so very little done. I just chat with people. Not that that is a bad thing but I'd like to be able to get out of this apartment and away from the computer and engage in real situations with real people. Then again, part of it is my responsibility to get out and around.
I went to Players tonight thinking that somehow it wouldn't be that bad. I was wrong. I love my friends and would do what I can for them but there are some things I just don't want right now. What happened tonight reminded me of just how terribly alone I can feel. I don't know if I want to go out again, at least, for the time being. I met someone really nice tonight that I wouldn't mind getting to know better. I just don't see it happening though because I don't have any other context outside of the club.
I hate money. I have having to have it. I hate having to manage it. I told myself I wasn't going to get new Star Wars toys when Episode 2 came around. Now I'm planning a run to the store to "see" what they got. I know what that means. It means I'm going to broke this time tomorrow. What the hell is up with me? I have a crown that needs taken care of that'll cost $500 but I'm too put off by the so I'll just buy an asinine amount of toys. I can really be stupid sometimes.
The big reaction, the initial attraction. What does that even mean? I sure as hell don't know. I've been thinking about love and hate a lot lately. I wonder if anyone, myself included, has really felt hate. I mean a hate that consumes. A hate that preoccupies every waking moment of a life. Just about everyone says that they've felt love or given love but do they really know it in comparison to hate? Doesn't hate define love? Aren't they one and the same then? They are different points along a similar line. They reflect one another in each other.
I keep wondering about what I'm going to do after this is all done. School that is. I have no plans or any ideas. I want to be a writer but if this site has taught me anything it's that I am not that great. What do I hope to accomplish. I do not see my writing as going anywhere or doing anything. Maybe that's what I want from my writing? Maybe I don't want anything more serious from it than to be an outlet and a release. It's a shame that I have to torture others with it though.
The question of being alive or not has come up often in the past couple of weeks. That is, it has been something I've been thinking about. Am I alive or not? What is happening with my life? What kind of life am I creating for myself and is it a real life or just make believe? I thought I knew what I was doing but I was wrong. Isn't that always the way though? You think you've got it but that is when you don't. When you are aware of it you really don't. I am driving myself crazy.
Well, I went out with my friends to go see Jason X tonight. It was a very good time. I was surprised to find myself and others clapping and cheering. I know it is a complete throw away film for the most part but it reminded me so much of my youth via its predecessors. I can't believe I got all nostalgic. But I really don't have a big problem with that. As long as nostalgia doesn't come back to bite me in the ass like it does in Bradbury's The Martian Chronicles. God, I'm such a dork. Go me.
This is the first party I've had here at my apartment. I'm so god damned drunk. I don't know if this counts. I'm editing as I go so I'm not sure. I feel so much like someone else. Maybe my father, he was a drunk. It killed him. Should I be doing this? Does it matter. I didn't know I could be so stupid. Am I walking a path that was already laid before me? Will I be condemned to the Billotte death? I don't know. Maybe. It's all death anyway, it's not like I've got any other option. Shit.
I'm not sure how to work this out since I've not slept yet since my last entry. In any case, I've been up all night working on a paper and now I have a short story in front of me that needs writing. This is what I get for waiting until the last minute. God I'm an idiot. Oh well, at least part of this is done. Soon I will be finished with this semester and summer break will officially be underway. Hopefully this summer will be a lot less stressful than the last 4. I'm looking forward to it.
Well, my part in this project is almost complete. I don't know what to write anymore and all I can say is that I feel like I've done nothing but produce meaningless words. No one will read them though, so that makes me feel good at least. But if no one will read them what was the point? I guess I just wanted to give in to the mental masturbation of it all. Maybe I thought I'd find that "inner writer" or something stupid like that. Hell I don't know what I am anymore or what I do truly feel.
And so this is it. Where have I come since a month ago? Anywhere? Probably not. I'm finding that I'm still just a fucked up person who can't seem to make heads or tails of what he's doing. I've longed for love. I've hoped for death. My piece of mind comes only in dreams. Even now my head is a jumble and I can't think straight. Maybe I never could. I've always been this screwed up it just takes the right circumstance to show that to me. To give me a true reflection on my situation. What am I saying?
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