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So it's April Fools Day. Who cares? Not me, I've decided. I'm having a bad week, again. Galen used to drop by, unannounced and I still find myself looking out the door to see if he's coming. I've moved so many times that I don't even think he knows where I live now, but I still dream. I have to get over him. I'm disappointed that things didn't work out with Mike last week. If we lived closer, we'd be dating right now, I'm sure of it. But we're too far apart. He's in Chicago and I'm here – in Kansas.
Today was actually a fairly good day. I got my rather lengthy midterm back today and I got a perfect score. That made me so incredibly happy. I had a test this morning that I know went extremely well. And I was home in time to see Little Steven on Regis & Kelly this morning. I hate Regis and Kelly. It was actually rather painful to watch. I'm not sure how I made it through the entire hour without throwing something through the TV. Hopefully tomorrow will be good too. I know I won't see Galen, so that always helps.
I woke up angry at the world this morning. Why? I really don't know, but I was. So I picked a fight or two with some people, watched a lot of TV, drank a little bit and now I'm feeling better. I'm tired through. I'm tired of Kansas. I'm ready to try a new life in a new state. I have one more year here though, so I have to grin and bear it for another year. Besides, I'm not sure where I want to go. Some place warm, that's for sure. I can't take anymore winters. I hate cold.
Today wasn't too bad. I saw G and I actually spoke to him. I'm quite proud of myself. He's still going to great lengths to avoid speaking to me so I like to talk to him and make him uncomfortable. Last night, I did some anti-death penalty tabling. That went pretty well. We got cold and packed up an hour early, but that was kind of my idea because I forgot to set the VCR to record Friends so I needed to be home at 7 so I could watch. I was kinda disappointed that it was a flashback episode.
I did some anti-death penalty tabling at a Dar Williams concert tonight. That went well, considering I tabled alone. It's better when you have more people. But I got to see a free concert so what do I care? Towards the end of the show, Dar even mentioned I was out there. I was so excited. I talked to her for a moment after the show and thanked her for mentioning I was out there and we started talking about Steve Earle and…I talked about Steve Earle with Dar Williams...when did I become cool enough to do things like that?
I did more anti-death penalty tabling today. Towards the end of tabling, someone yelled "Andrea!" at the top of their lungs. I looked over to see Ed driving by, leaning out his window waving at me. The girl that I was tabling with asked who that was. "That was Ed. We used to date." She was impressed that we could still be friends (or whatever we are). I didn't tell her that it took us a few years to get to be friends. So I guess it gives me hope that Galen and I will someday get to that point.
Tonight's episode of Six Feet Under just had this amazingly beautiful moment. This woman was standing over the casket of her dead husband. She was screaming at him that she was glad he was dead and she hoped it hurt when he died. Then she just paused for a moment and softly said, "He can't hit me anymore, can he?" It was one of the most amazing moments I've seen on a show that's full of amazing moments. It was just powerful to watch this woman realize that her twenty years of hurt and pain and misery were finally over.
Open letter to Pete Yorn: Pete, dear. I just got home from seeing you and I had a great time. I love your music. I think you're incredibly talented and I think you put on one hell of a show. I think you're beautiful, so please turn off the damn smoke machines so I can actually see you when you perform. It's always a bad sign when your audience is asking, "does he have a drummer?" because they can't see the drummer through the smoke. Also, please don't mumble. We know you spoke between songs but we couldn't understand you.
Emmylou Harris was great. I was front row center, so it was all good. She put on a simple, but beautiful show. Buddy and Julie Miller were an amazing backing "band" (it was an acoustic show so there wasn't anything but a few guitars and some odds and ends that Julie played). Julie and Buddy also got to play two of their own songs - "All My Tears" and "Forever Has Come To An End" - and that was beautiful. "Forever..." left me crying. Emmylou did a nice mix of old and new songs. She was great. I was happy.
Some days (like today) I just don't understand why I have these horrid mood swings. One day I can be so happy and cheerful and the next I just want to yell and scream and cry. It all started when I was walking to campus this morning and I saw someone who looked just like Galen going into an apartment that I know he doesn't live in. Granted, I was a block away so it may not have been him but it looked just like him. And seeing him always upsets me anymore. I'm just so tired of all this.
I lost in the elections tonight. I knew I would lose because the social welfare seats typically go to the other coalition, but I just wanted to win. I also knew I didn't have time for senate next year, but I wanted to win anyway. Our coalition didn't fare well this year and there were lots of tears at the "victory" party, so I left. I didn't want a room full of strangers to see me cry. (That and they were out of the good alcohol) Sitting here listening to the rain makes it easier to cry for some reason...
The new Steve Earle and Patty Griffin albums finally came in the mail today. I've been waiting for these for a few days now. Unfortunately they were delivered to the guy below me and not me or I would have had them a few hours ago. But it's all good because I have them now. Yea! I'm just starting the Steve Earle album - looks cool, but I know most the songs already. It's just a collection of random songs – soundtracks, b-sides, rarities, etc. I haven't started the Patty Griffin yet...but the liner notes smell funny for whatever that's worth.
I'm going to take a moment to set the record straight on a few things about living in Kansas. First, I do not have a dog named Toto. It's not even funny. Don't say it. Second, I am not a redneck. I do not drive a pickup truck. I don't live on a farm. Third, I'm not depressed because I live in Kansas. (Someone actually told me that) Fourth, we do listen to something besides mainstream "country" music. Lastly, not all of Kansas is flat. If you had to walk up the hills I do every day, you'd understand this.
So the other day, when I said I thought I saw Galen going into a strange apartment. Yeah, I don't think it was Galen. I saw him later that day and he was wearing different clothing. So that made me feel a little better, but then at the same time, I saw him, which never makes me feel better about anything. Some days I really wish he would just go away, but at the same time, I don't want him to go away because then I wouldn't see him anymore. Is that masochistic or what? What is wrong with me?
So I saw Kasey Chambers "Not Pretty Enough" video this weekend and it irritated me. The whole video was shot to hide the fact that Kasey is pregnant and gigantic now. Why is it that pregnancy has to be hidden like that? Who cares if Kasey's pregnant? I think it would have made an interesting statement in the video, but no, we had to hide the pregnancy...why? So she looks kind of sort huge right now - that kind of comes with being pregnant. It irritates me that this was hidden in the video. Seriously, why do we hide pregnancy?
Tonight Tommy and I had one of the most interesting & most explicit conversations ever...we were out with Amanda and Cory (husband & wife) and I think we made them blush a few times... Anyway, on the way home, I told Tommy that in five years, we'd be married. We were entertained by the idea. I went into the office this morning and Amanda had left me a note, "So did you get any last night?" I wrote back saying that I wouldn't tell but made it sound like I did just to mess with Galen. God, I need help.
I was watching Sex and the City reruns tonight. But If I woulda known tonight they were rerunning the episode Carrie and Adian got back together, I wouldn't have watched. The episode pisses me off because in real life, they don't come back. At least in my own experience, they don't come back. I mean, I wished and wished for Galen to come back and he never did. But that's probably a good thing. I suspect he would have just broken my heart all over again and I can't go through that pain again. The first time was hard enough.
I'm still thinking about TV shows and relationships…I loved Robert Downey Jr. on Ally - as I watched those episodes, I kept thinking, "Where is my Larry? I want a Larry." (Maybe I spend too much time watching TV) Then Galen and I finally got together. I was so happy because he was so perfect and so much fun. I had finally found my Larry. Well, I later realized I got my Larry in every way. Smart, funny, handsome, wonderful and he left without ever saying goodbye. And he crushed me. Hmm…why exactly do I want to start another relationship?
I did some volunteer work at the local soup kitchen this morning. Except it wasn't a soup kitchen per se. It was like a restaurant in that the patrons came in, sat down and I waited on them. I don't wait tables. There's a reason for that. I'm horrible at waiting tables. And while it felt good to do volunteer work, waiting tables isn't my idea of ideal volunteer work. I'd rather do something more…helpful, I guess is the word I'm looking for. I don't feel like I really made a difference because anyone could have done what I did.
This is a boring weekend. It's cold and rainy and I had to work today. I have no desire to go out tonight either. So I'm going to spend my Saturday night watching Tv and knitting. How awesome am I? I don't really like going out anyway and my friends suddenly do. I think the difference is that I started going to bars when I was 17, so turning 21 wasn't that exciting for me…but for them, turning 21 has opened up a whole new world. I've been going to bars for too long to get excited about it anymore.
a commercial for "About A Boy" just came on and it's already pissing me off. Will (the main character, played by Hugh Grant [ew]) is this huge Nirvana fan and he meets this kid, Marcus...and Marcus starts listening to Nirvana because he has a thing for this girl who's a huge Nirvana fan...the Kurt Cobain kills himself and...well, a lot happens. Anyway, in the movie, Nirvana isn't even mentioned. What the fuck? How can you leave Nirvana out of a movie based on a book that's all about Nirvana? This is why I hate Hollywood. They constantly ruin great books.
I finally made it down to Liberty Hall tonight to get our tickets for Robert Earl Keen, a kick-ass alt-country singer...and as I'm standing in line, I'm listening to this kid tell his friends about REK and what a great blues guitarist he was and how they should all go to the show if they wanted to hear some great blues music. I didn't tell the kid but he's going to be really disappointed with the show if he's looking for blues music. Pete Yorn's cover of "New York City Serenade" is possibly the most beautiful things he's ever done.
I heard a speaker today and halfway through her presentation about child abuse/neglect, she stops and says she wants us to pair up and discuss our first sexual experience with a partner. Then our partner has to stand up in front of the class and share with everyone the details of our first experience. This look of horror swept across the room as we realized that we were going to have to describe one of the most personal moments of our lives to everyone. After the moment of panic, the speaker said we weren't really going to do this exercise.
I'm kind of scared about today...it's been weird. When I woke up, I was laying in bed watching "Mad About You" reruns on Lifetime and Helen Hunt was singing "Copacabana"...then I check my e-mail and my mother e-mailed me to say that Barry Manilow tickets go on sale Saturday (she seriously wants to go and I agreed because I want to see Curtis Stigers) and then I was gone all day and came home just in time for the second episode of Sex and the City...and Aidan was singing "Copacabana." I'm scared. Why does Barry Manilow keep coming back up?
I broke my oven Monday. I called my landlord Monday and told him. Today is Thursday and I still don't have a new oven. How exactly am I supposed to eat? The pilot lights are out on the stove – the oven doesn't work and I hate microwave dinners. I need an oven. I also need new steps. I was supposed to get a new ceiling fan a long time ago. I haven't seen any of them. I can live with my old scary steps, I can live with the dying fan but I need my oven. I love rental property.
I don't know what I want to say today. Some days there is so much to say that I don't know where to start. Today there's just nothing to say. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because I'm bored with my life. Nothing is new and challenging anymore. It's time to move again, I think. Besides, Mr. Perfect will be waiting for me in whatever new town I move to, right? (For the record, I'm thinking Austin this time) It doesn't matter because I can't move for another year and who knows what will have happened in a year…
Saturday night and I'm pathetic. I'm sitting here alone. Nothing to do, no one to see. I think next weekend, my friend Colleen may come visit. I hope she does because I could use the company. I may also use her visit as an excuse to have some Green people over Saturday night. I think that would be interesting…that's if anyone would actually show up…which I kinda doubt. I can think of one or two people who might show up. The rest wouldn't, I'm sure. (Can you believe how boring this entry is? I can't. Why are you still reading?)
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. I am bored today. I have nothing to do and no one I feel like seeing. I saw Galen today – he was out playing tennis with a friend of his. He was easy to spot as he was the only person on the court playing in jeans and a t-shirt. It was weird. I was leaving to go to Kansas City and I went a totally different way than I normally go and that's the only reason I saw him. It was like something pulled me to him. This has happened before too. It's odd.
Had my interview today and it went well. I think they had already made their minds up that they wanted me long before I got there. That made it all easy. Then I saw Galen again tonight. He sat in the row behind me at a speaker that we saw tonight. And then Tyler was there. I kinda like Tyler. I'm intrigued by him. However, we didn't say much to each other tonight, but that's ok, I guess. I don't know. I don't have time to worry about him right now. I've got too busy with other things right now.
So my cat will be a year old tomorrow. And at some point over the past year (I actually got him when he was 7 weeks, so I've had him just under a year) I became a mother...I've spent the past couple of days looking at pictures from when I first got him and it makes me cry...I miss him being a baby. He was just this little white furball when I got him (weighed less than a pound)...now he's this gigantic white cat...he grew up on me. It's so sad. I want cry just thinking about it. I'm pathetic.
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