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Last night when I curled up on my tiny little sofa without unfolding it, I pulled my green thermal blanket up to my face because it was so damned cold, and I could smell my friend on it. He smelled so damned good while he was here, and he is beautiful, too. Maybe I am biased. I held the blanket to my face; it was like still having a little bit of him with me. I feel so empty rattling around here without him, without someone to comfort me after last night's horrible dream. The universe is an unfair place.
I feel sick. It's not the sick of bodily illness, it's the sick of frayed nerves, insecurity, unsurety, paranoia, fear, and a whole host of other things besides. I hate these moods, because I never know what to do about them. There's really nothing you can do but sit through it, and hope it passes more quickly than the last. This time, though, at least this time I know what the source is. I am unsure about my friendship with my houseguest of last weekend. I keep going through mood swings of good, bad, ugly, ill, paranoia, certainty, and calm.
I'm trying to make cd covers for some stuff I'm burning for a friend, but all the programs I've tried are either too complicated, don't work, or print a huge "unregistered" across your printout. So, I'm doing it all via a graphics program. It's not so hard, you just have to measure a cd cover size and create a graphic in those dimensions. I'll tell ya, though, 12 x 12 centimetres on screen, really doesn't look at all big enough. It is when you point it out though. I'm hand colouring (with crayons!) for fun, and because I've only got black ink.
I made a conscious choice today. I choose to be the calm, zen centre of my universe. I refuse to allow someone else's barbs take something beautiful away from me. I am not going to be poor in spirit, or robbed of warmth, because of someone else's disgust. I am not disgusting. Nothing I do is disgusting, except smoking. I made a choice to treat a tough situation with calmness, and it paid off. I will 'win' by peaceful means. Nothing will be stolen that I do not myself give away. I am the calm, zen centre of my universe.
I am still the calm, zen centre of my universe. I am also adopting some techniques used in cognitive behaviour therapy for dealing with stresses. I will talk in terms of I, and not in accusatory "you" tones. I will talk in terms of when things happen, not in terms of when you do this. I think it's going to be a tough haul, though my mother says it's easier than I think it is. I have my doubts, but my mood is already improved because of one simple act. I am improved because of one simple act, or non-action.
I am embarking on that which will be a herculean battle. I am going to struggle, but enjoy the struggle. I do not do this to win or top the mountain; I do this because it will be good. It will be good for me, and for my friends. I do this because I need to heal, and I realise that healing is an active process. Sometimes there are miracles, epiphanies, but sometimes those miracles and epiphanies have to come from yourself. I do not mind the journey, it has its beauty, and any triumphs will bring their own beauties.
I realised that labels are limitations. I do not want to be limited. While some labels are gifts and compliments, they still sort of force a person into a box. I colour and think outside of the box. My niche is in having no niche at all. My label is labeless. My place is placeless. I am indefinable. I am who and what I am. This would sound to most like someone with no direction or tether, but that's just it; I am throwing off the shackles of old tethers, in favour of a future full of freedom. I am.
Today was an extremely stressful and agitated one. I attempted a little meditation, which seemed to relax me a little. I wanted to go outside to do it, but the weather and minor illness conspired me to make do with the middle of my livingroom floor. It seems today will be no different; for it rains again, and it's not a nice rain like you get during warm weather, it's that depressing cold rain that makes your body clench up inside and out. I sound very emotionally flat today, I know, I suspect I'm just drained, just biding my time.
I did not do very well at being the calm, zen centre of my universe yesterday; at least not outwardly, but that's okay. One of the great noble truths is that nothing lasts forever. Everything being like a wheel, I know (even if I can't always deal with it emotionally) that it will pass. I am struggling not to hold on to negative things like a drowning man to a life preserver. They are not the only things to live for, and because of. There are good things too. Moment by moment. Enjoy the moments; treasure them like precious beads.
I have found a beautiful thing that's been right in front of my eyes for years, yet I never saw it before. Every time I see it now, I smile. It even gives me a bit of a fluttery feeling, which is good for me, because it's helping to dig me out of the rut I've been in. I wish I could hold it close always. It's like listening to Beethoven's "Ode To Joy", which never fails to make me feel better when I'm stressed, depressed, or upset. Even thinking about it now has brought a smile to my face.
The trouble with having headaches and migraines is not just the pain or the nausea, it's also going outside for some fresh air in hopes that will help ease it off. The problem with going outside is that there are people out there. The problem with the people is that some of them wear vanilla based perfumes. THe problem with that is that they wear too much of it, and you can smell them ten feet away. When you are somewhat chemical sensitive, particularly affected by smells like vanilla, walking past a gaseous cloud of it makes you feel worse.
I've been letting go of hurts, of obsessions over things that used to hurt me. Why in hell was I so deliberately exposing myself to things that would help corrode my self-esteem, self-respect, faith, belief, trust, and happiness? What is it about us that makes us want to damage ourselves that way? It's some sickness, some demon that drives us to want negativity more than positivity; something that keeps telling us the bad things are more true than the good ones. I know part of it's the comparison game, not being able to be without balancing myself against someone else.
I was thinking, today, of all the silly adages you get brought up with; all those lines fed to you by grandma. One of my favourites, one that sticks out the most and leaps to mind even now is this: "If your nose is itchy it means you're going to kiss a fool." I like to think of fool in a more pleasant light than is probably meant by that. I've also never had an opportunity to take advantage of the adage, even in jest, until a couple of weeks ago. Riding in the car back from the airport I said it, and later on I did it.
Today's lesson, same as yesterday's was, is learning to realise and accept that nothing lasts forever. I am not talking about things, people, or relationships here, I am talking about my uneasy or negative emotions. Some of them are making me feel very disquieted, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with them, but I am. I know there is more to life than this. I know that they are old demons and I must learn to let them go. I know they aren't really the right signals. I know that they will pass. But I still fear them.
I have come to some startling conclusions about myself. One being that I do have some dignity, and that I can stand up for it. I do not need to sink to the level of that which I find repugnant. This used to be something I did without thinking, and I would invariably end up feeling like garbage because of it. I must, and can, take a stand and stick to it. I have done so. I have crafted my manifesto, and will craft another. I am sticking to decisions, for the sake of honour, pride, and all that's good.
I am in the midst of a very ugly personal crisis, that also involves the ugly personal troubles of others; it also involves having to sit by and watch people sling a lot of very skewed, untrue shit about me. I could make my "side" of the story public, but I'm not going to. I realised that anything I say would make the situation worse, and that - in the end - i really don't need to. I don't need the recognition, approval, or proof. My actions stand right on their own merit. If others don't see that, too bad for them.
Sometimes you get to those points in your life where you make those "most difficult decisions ever". I am having one of those moments now. I have realised that, when it comes to personal relations, the first thing you need to do is fix whatever is broken within the self. The next two things you need to do are to realise your own motives, the real ones, and to decide what it is you truly want. If you want something, right or wrong, you go after it ruthlessly. As the proverb says: Take what you want, but pay for it.
They're doing some "top classic rock albums of all time" countdown on the radio over the weekend. I really don't buy the whole countdown thing, anymore than I buy into the awards show thing. Countdowns are only good for one thing: ratings. They're playing two or three selections from each album on the list, which is good when it's someone you like, but not good when it's someone you find as dull as ditchwater. Countdowns on rock stations around here end in one of three ways: "Stairway To Heaven", "Let It Be", or "Hey Jude". It's very predictable, almost funny.
There is some jackass outside lighting flares and fireworks, by the sound of things. Now, this wouldn't be quite so bad, if it weren't well after midnight and the wrong day. I think someone needs to go out there and remind this person that the holiday is *tomorrow*. The holiday in question is Victoria Day - the British holiday that Canada celebrates, but not Britain. I have always found that amusing. It's to commemorate Queen Victoria's birthday. I wonder how old she'd be if she were still around to even celebrate a birthday. Born: May 24th, 1819. Guess she'd be 217. Happy Birthday, Vickie.
I was telling some people earlier, how I'd had a dream about the Duke last night. Yes, that's right, I love John Wayne movies, and I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Maybe it's just the simplicity of his westerns that you know will always end on a happy note, with everything solved and everyone in good cheer. I don't know for certain. All I know is that I enjoy them. I think my favourite is "Angel And The Badman". You need to see this one, if for no other reason than to see the parallels between it and Harrison Ford's "Witness".
It's all common sense.
If you have a question, ask it.
If you have an opinion, state it.
If you have an emotion, express it.
If you have a desire, seek it.
If you have a response, supply it.
If you have erred, explain it.
If you have a compliment, give it.
If you have a demand, declare it.
If you have a wish, live it.
If you have something new, introduce it.
If you have passions, spend them.
If you have broken dreams, mend them.
If you have a spirit, lift it.
If life is too settled, sift it.
If you could boil a list of adjectives to describe yourself down to less than 100 words, or 100 words exactly, what would they be? I sifted through what others have said of me, and came up with the following: intelligent, bent, bitchy, weird, bratty, rude, controlling, imperious, amusing, sarcastic, talented, bright, not too bad looking, plain, pretty, agressive, passive-agressive, wise, intuitive, loving, cold, affectionate, loud, abrasive, quiet, kind, impatient, patient, pretentious, bloodthirsty, too forgiving, unmotivated, intense, deceptive, honest, worthless, priceless, friendly, vicious, delusional, clear-minded, frightening, easy, agitated, and comfortable. Not much difference between me and anyone else. Same building-blocks, different results.
If you want to be treated as a person, that's how you must treat people. You can't treat them as an extension of your own needs or like a symbol for something, be needy of them for your own self-gain, or think that everything they do somehow involves you. People have thoughts, feelings, motives, and actions, that have nothing to do with you. We forget that something a person does that hurts us, often has nothing to do with us, but deals with them and other people. We just feel some effects. No one's universe should revolve around us alone.
I've had a lot of bizarre dreams lately, some of the "message" sort. In one, I lost some of my teeth, and when they came out of my mouth they were immense and rotted. In another I had been left the entire estate of John Wayne (though I'm not sure what message that sends). Some of the dreams I've had could certainly make good scripts for an episode of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". The teeth dream seems to suggest that I had lost my voice, that I had something important to say that I felt I couldn't utter. How apt.
I don't condone physical violence against another person except when you are in need of it to defend yourself or someone who can't defend themselves. That said, though, I also don't approve of the idea tat you shouldn't hit girls. If some woman belts you, she should jolly well expect payment in kind. I've known women who not only physically abuse their mates thinking they can get away with it, but they also find it FUNNY, and they're proud of it too. Those sorts of women make me sick. Some of them throw the race for gender equality back decades.
I hauled out my dusty old turntable for the first time in years today; and the first thing that went on it was "Abbey Road". After that came "Let It Be", "Revolver", and "Rubber Soul". I own one hell of a metric fucktonne of Beatles stuff on vinyl. It's possibly rivalled only by how much U2 stuff I own, and how much Pink Floyd stuff I have. I listened to a lot of things I haven't heard since I was 18 years old (including the Hoodoo Gurus!), and the warm, nostalgic fuzzies were a welcome boost. Sometimes I really do miss the 80's.
I used to play this game with my friend Jacob, where we'd take a common phrase and alliterate it in such a way that it still carried as much of its original meaning (intent) as possible. It's a lot harder than it sounds, because you'll always get stuck on that ONE word that you just can't find the right equivalent for. Here's an example: "Fiduciary fawning forms foundation for fiendishness". Which is, of course, "The love of money is the root of all evil". It's a lot of fun, despite its sometime difficulty. I like the mental and semantic challenge.
Caffeine withdrawal, nicotine withdrawal, and PMS, all at the same time! How will I survive this? Willpower? I don't have much of that, but the past couple of days have taught me one very important lesson: I CAN quit smoking. It's really not that hard. The nicotine is out of your system in three days, and after that it's all psychological. It's all "kicking the habit". It's also kicking the oral and manual habits, but you can find compensations. The first day off ciggies is killer for me, but once that's over with, it's just a matter of saying "no".
Today is one of those days where I wonder how long it'll take my grandmother to call and say something like, "You know what today is, don't you?" It would have been my grandfather's 76th birthday today, if he hadn't fallen off the toilet in a drunken haze a few years back, and asphyxiated due to his own bodyweight pressing down on his lungs. She hadn't called on what would have been their wedding anniversary in January. Hopefully her busy day will keep her mind off the date. I'm sick of hearing about him. His death was somewhat relieving to me.
5:26 in the morning and my sinuses are already starting to beat up on me. This means, of course, that the humidity level today is going to be Very Damned High. I love warmer weather, but gawd do I hate some of the things that go along with it - like more sun, more sticky humidity, more sun... the sun and I don't get along, so we've made a mutual pact about it. We agree politely on our mutual dislike, and avoid each other as much as we can. Warm weather also means warm rain, and being able to walk in it.
I have some bits of advice to share today. They are as follows:
1) Before you accuse someone of having treated you like shit, look very carefully at your own actions as well. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
2) No one makes you do anything you do. You have a choice in how you act, always. Unless there are life-threatening circumstances or psychological imbalances involved, there are no excuses an adult can give that aren't just that, excuses.
3) Don't strip people of their dignity ever; either your own, or someone else's.
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